The difficulty with having a full time job, kids, and a spouse is trying to find the time, energy and resources to cultivate the home life everyone deserves. In my home we have tried a few different avenues of time management. For instance I used to insist that dinner be made every night. I had a calendar that marked who was cooking, who was cleaning up and what we were eating that night. It served its purpose in the sense that we had dinner every night together. It also created alot of tension when one of us was too tired and we didn't or couldn't complete our assigned task. I am exhausted. I don't know why. I don't feel focused, or happy most days. The tension of life leading in a direction I didn't want it to go is overwhelming. I imagined a way of life, but didn't know what it would take to get there. Now I'm on a dusty side road freaking out because this road is veering further off the path I wanted and imagined. We stopped our dinner regime because we were both tired. I started cooking all of the meals on Sundays. We could all eat whatever we wanted during the week. This worked for awhile until the family got bored of the leftovers. We were spending money on fast food as our cooked dinners grew mold in our fridge. Lately we have moved even further from our original idea. Now it is more of a fendforyourself dinner style. With the exception of my 3 yr old on some days.
Part of my dilemma is that I had a grand vision ( long ago) that didn't include children. Then my vision morphed to include the kiddos. Now my vision is incorporating my kid's dad and that is something new. He is grown and has his own visions. I can't force my ideals onto him, yet we need to live cohesively. I struggle with frustration and jealousy regarding his help, and then the lack of it. I struggle with the reality of our relationship that is not what I imagined. I am technically doing what I am supposed to. I feed my kids, I bathe them, get them in bed, read stories, cuddle, buy them toys to play with. What am I missing? I need to create my happy home. This is what I struggle with. Why? Because I'm not sure what is missing.....or if I can fix the things that I do know are wrong. Today I will re- set my home vision. I will build a plan for the foundation of my happy home. Me. I am home. For me and my kids. My space around me needs to feel good. It doesn't right now, for a multitude of reasons. Some I have control over, some I do not.
Part of my dilemma is that I had a grand vision ( long ago) that didn't include children. Then my vision morphed to include the kiddos. Now my vision is incorporating my kid's dad and that is something new. He is grown and has his own visions. I can't force my ideals onto him, yet we need to live cohesively. I struggle with frustration and jealousy regarding his help, and then the lack of it. I struggle with the reality of our relationship that is not what I imagined. I am technically doing what I am supposed to. I feed my kids, I bathe them, get them in bed, read stories, cuddle, buy them toys to play with. What am I missing? I need to create my happy home. This is what I struggle with. Why? Because I'm not sure what is missing.....or if I can fix the things that I do know are wrong. Today I will re- set my home vision. I will build a plan for the foundation of my happy home. Me. I am home. For me and my kids. My space around me needs to feel good. It doesn't right now, for a multitude of reasons. Some I have control over, some I do not.
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