Depression

Depression is an interesting thing. There are lots of schools of thought on what the basis for it, cures, meds what to do, how to fight it. I can tell you this It is real. IT feels like like a cold snake like hand raeches into your soul and pulls. The voice is louder than your own. Your dreams and aspirations seem to fall away. The causes for my depression are I believe to be man made. An unfortunate turn of choices and successions that have led me down this dark path. I question whether I can pull myself out of this all on my own. Who would I ask for help if I asked? Where does my battle begin, When? How will I know if I'm winning? here is what I do know My relationship with my boyfriend, my kids dad will ultimately end. The path down into this darkness has been paved with attempts to please him, and being manipulated into believing that it was my failure that was hindering his happiness. HE led me to believe that I was truly the narcissistic, selfish one. The words cut deep and  I questioned and analysed and attempted to change my ways to please him. I feared his leaving me not because I need him or even because I love him, but simply because I want my family to be together. I want my boys to know their dad and to love him. My boyfriend is a great dad. He helps with homework and wrestles and jokes and watches movies with the boys. He plays in the pool for hours longer than I would want to. I am happy with the direction my kids and their dads relationship has gone. It would not have happened if I had not "worked things out" with him. He has many great parts to him. That is what is most difficult with mental abuse, narcissism and depression. It requires you to stand up to something intangible. concepts are hard to fight against. You feel like you are fighting with someone about religion or politics. Their side makes sense to them and they just don't care what you say. Just like a disagreement on politics you try to find other common ground areas and stick with those. The ugly part is when the other person is fighting with you they are telling you that YOU are not ok and you need to change so that you will fit into their description of what makes sense. The last three years have been paved with many predictable cycles of: me not living up to his standard; him giving me the silent treatment; him being out right rude, mean or condescending; me getting frustrated with being given the cold shoulder/asshole behavior; me forcing to come ro a head by asking repeatedly what is wrong and can I help make it better; to us having a fight where he lists off my failures in his eyes, what I do wrong, how awful  I make him feel, what I need to change about myself, what I need to do to make him feel better; followed by the threat of him cheating or leaving me if  I don't live up to his expectations. Moving forward all I now is I need to regain my fopting on who I am