In The Heart of Me

Motivation: The drive to do something that comes from within. Lack of motivation is a major complaint about ourselves in a variety of aspects in life, from exercise to learning, to cleaning house. How do you or I overcome this lack of motivation. I think that there are different emotions that drive motivation or lack thereof. My lack of motivation to clean my house for instance stems from 2 things. 1 I am not happy in my life situation I feel stuck and and mentally exhausted. I also have been feeling like I shouldn't bother trying to do things because it is simply not I am simply not worth the effort. These words are difficult to type let alone acknowledge. I remember feeling at one point in time that my life was on the edge of excitement and new things and to be prepared for those things I worked really hard to ensure that the house was clean, My hair and makeup were done. Food was cooked. structure was in place. Now I look around  and feel like nobody cares. Nobody cares if I care. Is is worth it to do this? What is the point? I wish I could could rekindle that spark. That spark that lights up the corners of your world and makes you feel like you don't want it to go dark again. How do I get that back again? Where did it go? Why did it leave?What do I need to do to get it back? I need to figure out what got lost and created this void. I guess a part of it was when I was single I dreamed that I would meet a man that would love me and appreciate my efforts to keep my home clean and my children on a healthy schedule. The man I am just doesn't. I was alone with my boys when I did really well. I knew I needed to do everything because it was just me. now that I share my home I expect an equal partner to help with the tasks of the house. Unfortunately The man I am with feels he should do nothing and the things he is forced to do should be paid back, or he collects an imaginary coin of debt for every task he completes. But the tasks I do don't count. There is no option to collect a coin of debt. In fact all of the work that I do in his mind is not work so I do nothing. I have tried hard not to fall into the path of believing him. But the opposition is strong. If I cook dinner every night and wash the dishes every day and then ask him to vacuum or help with kids I am told that I do nothing, I start to question whether what I  am doing is actually nothing. What happens if I don't do it anymore? Nothing happens. No one says that was really great hen you used to do that. Nobody says anything. Even the man who complained that  I did nothing says nothing. It drives home my feeling that what I was doing didn't really matter to anyone. The interesting thing is before he got here the motivation was an unknown force ..the idea of being appreciated for this act in the future by some unknown person was powerful enough to motivate me. And ultimately I felt good about me. Now I feel worthless. I have let someone else's judgement of me change my perception of myself. When I wake up tomorrow morning how do I tell my self that  I count regardless of what anyone thinks. What do I say to convince myself of this? How should I feel when I am done doing something?