The struggle is real. How do I sit here and watch my boys suffer because I want happiness? I am struggling to believe that I have value. To be told that that I am worthless because I don't complete enough tasks. I don't do enough things to make the other person feel like they don't have to do anything.
The struggle is real.
When two people hold different beliefs their worlds will never fit together. One person believes that to have someone show them love is for that person to do everything (clean, cook, plan, organize, etc) for them. While the other person believes that to have someone show them love is for that person to share burdens and tasks, explore ideas, have conversations, build each other up.
It amazes me that even though I am aware of the manipulation, I cant seem to keep myself from getting entangled in it unless I am separate from it. I know the words that are spoken are not true, yet my heart hurts and I question my own measurement of value in the face of adversity. I can only hope that as I reach for the sky and pull myself out of this hole, I can learn enough to not put myself back in the hole again.
I know I have value. My value is not measured in the tasks I complete. I know this. My value is, or should be measured by my ability to love, my compassion for others, my integrity, my perseverance. I might not be a great housekeeper. In fact; I know this. I do my best. I measure my best against my previous best. I always try to improve the person I am today.
Not lately. Not for the last year. I lost my strength. The struggle against the mental warfare is real. I have allowed myself to be mentally reduced to nothing. Why? I don't know. The imagined greater good. The happiness of others. At some point my children's "happiness" was measured as more important. That is ultimately not what I want them to learn. I don't want them to think that someone else's happiness measures higher than their own. We measure our happiness against our previous happiness. (or at least we should). They have not benefited from the last year of their "happiness".
I will heal. I will become the woman I imagine in my head. I will not allow anyone else to devalue me. I am tired of fighting against the mind games. I need to regain my strength. I don't know how. I am mentally exhausted. I will find my way, find my strength. I will not allow the coldness I feel in my heart to overrun me.
The battle is real. You are fighting the good fight. You are loved. Cherished. And held up in the name of all the is good. You are a powerful woman, there is no doubt. Trial by fire, makes for a brilliant leader and one rich in wisdom. Stay fierce. <3
ReplyDeleteKnow many of us have been there. More often it is the girl that feels she needs to be submissive to others before she can be happy. That is such a false belief and, once recognized, an inner power manifests. There is no turning back once that power is recognized and, as a consequence, the world changes, the light becomes brighter, and love emerges in greater volume. <3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteFrom Dan: Recognizing self-sacrificing does not make one happy, nor is it the basis for others happiness. This is a great truth and you have recognized it.
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