Meeting Of the Minds

I sit down at my kitchen table and take a deep breath. I have so many things I need to be doing and instead I am panicking about meeting with a group of Deities that I have called upon to help me with this 7 month container. I look up and look at the sliding glass door leading outside to my backyard. I close my eyes and open them again. It has become a solid white door. I look across the table and my spirit guide is now sitting across from me. He motions to the door without saying anything. 

I get up and walk to the door and open it. I step into the darkened warehouse. The light above the conference table is bright. I go to the chair at the end of the table and sit down. I look down at the papers I have brought with me. I look up and all of the Deities are now sitting at the table. I gasp and jump back in my chair. 

The Dagda raises his hand in a little wave. "We move quietly and swiftly, pardon the surprise. You have something in your hand?"

"Yes, I printed the plan for the container so you could better understand and hopefully explain to me how you all can help and support me during this 7 month journey."

"Please read for us." He says.

"Ok, so there are 4 Pillars. Shadow Work, Witnessing, community, leveraged commitment.

The energy dynamics focus is Intentional Action, Consistent vulnerability, Power-with Boundaries, Finance/emotion/time commitment, Ceremonies/Rituals, Generous gratitude action.

The shadow work: "A willingness to open my heart, inviting deities and cohorts as peers, into the heart space. Seeking their support as witnesses and guides, as we call up our old stories, fears, wounds, and the death-life-death journey of the old."

You are the Deities." I stop talking at this point and put the papers back on the table.

All 9 of the OGs, and GOATs stand up.

The Dagda speaks again. "We are doing ....Shadow work. Are you ready for this next step?" He does a "come here" hand motion towards the door.

Roger my spirit guide steps into the warehouse, and walks up to the conference table.

The Dagda turns to Roger and asks: "She decerns you clearly?"

"Yes she hears me clearly. and does well with separating her internal dialogue and myself."

The Dagda nods. "Very well. Thank you."

"These meetings will need to be done while you are alone moving forward."

He sits back down as does everyone else.

There are the golden goblets in front of each of us.

Hygieia speaks first - "The Depth and importance of self care. What we learned at 12 we will learn again."

Erebus speaks next. - "The Fears will rise, your understanding of your past lives helps greatly. "

Itspapalotl raises her goblet- "The dead shall speak."

Aine places her hand on her goblet- "The gratitude is in the details, we will find them."

Ganesh picks up his goblet- "Its luck when you can't hear the whispers. You must silence the mind."

Soteria leans forward in her chair, and clasps both hands around her goblet, but stays silent.

Euphorsyne picks up her goblet- "Finding joy underneath the darkness. Tulips in the snow."

The Dagda touches his goblet-him and Soteria look at each other. He looks back at me.

Soteria speaks up- "I will guide the protection."

The Dagda joins in- "And I am your accountability. We will meet more often than your sister wrote in the plan. We must see progress. We will let you work with your spirit guides to see clearly the goals to be reached by the end of the container."

With a blink of my eyes they were gone. It was just Roger and I at the conference table. We both got up and walked quietly through the door, back to my kitchen. Another deep sigh as I sit back down at the table.

I turn to Roger, "why didn't Caishen say anything?" I ask.

"He did", Roger replied. "You have some work to do in this area. He held up his goblet and said -Moving the stones of desire and fear open the creekbed to the flow of wealth and water.

You couldn't hear him." Roger says.

Second attempt to find mom

 Today is the day to try talking to my mom again. I take a deep breath and try to imagine what it would be like if she was alive right now. What advice would she be able to give? What would she not know? What could she know if she wasn't walking on this earth anymore? 

Before my mom passed and after she has been diagnosed with terminal cancer with very little time to live, we were driving in the car and my mom turned to me and asked me: "Is there anything I can do for you after I die? I am not leaving you with very much." I thought for a moment and half jokingly I said, "Well can you let me know some winning lotto numbers? I don't really care if you give me the numbers or fix the lotto balls to match what I picked." She laughed and said "you got it, I can do that"

It is one of the only strong memories that I have of her during that time frame. There was a lot of stress and life happening and I feel like everything else just blurred together.

Since that time, I have not had mom show up easily and identifiably yet. My sister who talks to dead people has said that she cant identify mom and feels she is really far out in the ether's and cannot connect with her very well. This made me lose hope for a long time that I would ever feel my mom close to me after death. She was the only person I was ok with haunting me. I reached out to a friend that also talks to spirits and asked if my mom was indeed too far away to reach. My friend said she could feel my mom right away, it was just that she didn't maintain the physical form after death. So for people like me who look for the identifiable markers of recognizable traits to help identify who I am talking to there isn't much to go on.

I attempted to find her with the help of my great grandma Bertha. While I was able to feel her for a moment it was very brief and not very tangible. Not that I need to win the lottery, I don't even buy lotto tickets. I just want this or some simile of it to help heal me and the energy that mom left behind. 

I am asking Grandma Bertha to lead me to her again. today and see if I can get more help, comfort or anything that feels like it.

I get up off the couch and walk down the stairs in the kitchen. I open the heavy door at the bottom of the stairs  and step onto the train platform. The leaves are starting to show on the trees and there are still flower petals everywhere. The air is warm and there is natural light shining on the platform. I walk forward to the edge of the platform and stand there waiting for the train to arrive. I feel the rumble under my feet and whoosh! the train blows through the station. I reach out and step onto the train. I float along in the train for a moment until I step off the other side of the train. Grandma Bertha is waiting for me on the grass. 

"Hello my dear, it is good to see you." She continues to talk as we walk to the cabin. "How are you doing? It has been a week since we spoke. We had talked about checking in more regularly, my dear. It will help your focus." 

We get to the porch and I see Roger is sitting in a rocking chair. There are still two more chairs there. 

"Roger!" I exclaim. "I normally do not see you. What are you doing here?"

"Racquele I am here to see you and check in as well. You have not spoken to us all week. You had your Uncle die this week. we have felt the compartment being created."

I take a deep breath. "Yes he did."

"What day?" asked Roger. 

I thought for a moment as guilt started to rise up. "I think it was Wed night. April 20th"

"Did you provide yourself a safe place to sit and mourn?"

"No, I did not really do anything." 

"We will find time to sit in silence and be alone." Roger says. "Next weekend please plan a morning away from home. Today we are both going to walk with you to see if we can find your mom." 

We all stand up and walk down the steps of the cabin. We walk around the building, and start walking towards the apple orchard.

We step into the orchard and all of the blossoms light up. 

"She is here" says Grandma Bertha. 

We continue to walk deeper into the orchard. I look around at all the trees towering over me. All of the trees all lined up perfectly. 

I felt Roger grip my arm. 

"Here we stop" he says. 

I see a ball of white light start forming in front of me. Out of the white light a fight steps out. It is so bright I can barely see. "Hi Rachel"

I hear my moms voice and the figure in front of me waves. I can only see the dark hair, but cant see a face or a body. 

"Mom is that really you?"  I ask. It actually sounds like you."

"Well I am trying to find a way for you to recognize me until you get better at this. So I picked the voice. she starts to sing the "Casons Go Rolling Along" song. 

I laugh. "You always sang that song." 

"Yes, its hard because I let all of the ties go. except the ties to the people I loved while on earth. Hopefully I can hold onto the this sound for a while." 

As I listen to my mom talk I can hear the voice change in and out of sounding like mom.

"You have a question? that is why you are here. Right?"

"Well yes, and because I miss you, and do not feel connected to you at all." 

"You are getting closer to that. It takes time." The voice says.

"Ask her the questions my dear," I hear Grandma Bertha say with a little nudge of her elbow to my side.

"Ok, here are my questions if you can answer them great if not its ok. Are you able to help me win the lotto?"

"Are you buying the tickets yet?" The voice of mom asks.

"Not recently, but I will this week. Do I need to come here and get numbers? Will you just guide the balls to the numbers? Will this even work?"

"I will do what I can. I cannot manipulate the physical earth, so I will try to guide you to pick the correct numbers."

"I felt tiredness sweeping over my body. I look over at Roger. Should I lay down?" I ask.

"For a few moments sure," Roger says. "We will wait here until you awake."

(20 real minutes later after a short nap)

"Hi, I'm here now. I feel better. Thank you  everyone for waiting for me." 

I look around and see that Grandma Bertha, Roger and the bright light, with a figure in front of it, are all still standing right where they were when I left them.

"Mom, please help in any way you can. I need help navigating this financial area. I need to be able to lift us out of this financial cycle of barely making it. I need help. I need help moving past this depression. What do I do?" 

"Help me define the financial area Rachel. I'm sorry I'm struggling to keep my voice matching with my earth self."

"Ok, I want large amounts of money coming in monthly with little work/energy needed. I want to be able to work from anywhere so I can travel as I see fit. Help Michelle, help Ginnie, Help DeDe."

"Hmmm ok, I will review and let you know what I come up with."

"Are you taking vitamins? supplements?" The voice asks.

"No." I answer.

"Rachel you are not going to be your dad. It will help you take a step forward. It will not fix it." 

"How do I fix it?"

"Through a series of steps. Including coming here to talk things out with all of us." 

"Ok, How long will it take?" 

"If you start now by the end of summer you will feel like a whole different person."

"Ok can we go back to the whole financials Mom? You and dad left us with so little, we are struggling. Michelle is struggling. We don't want to be like you and dad were during the last 30 years of your life. How do we break this cycle? What do we do different? Can you help? Can dad help us?

What should I do?" 

"Well Rachel, you have a plan laid out. Do you not feel it will work? Is it too much?" 

"I don't know mom. I just need to spend my energy on something that will work. If that isn't it then I don't want to do it." 

"Its not really that though is it?" The voice asks. 

"I guess I have not been feeling motivated to work on them." 

"Well you have a lot going on, and you have not been feeling well mentally. I think we should not panic about the websites not working. We need to take time to get through a few other things at the same time. New job, mental health, lifestyle changes, and house remodel. We are doing  a little of each one. None of them are going to show great results instantly. let me sit with it for a little longer."

"I have run out of time tonight mom. I gotta go. I love you." 

I motion for Roger and Grandma Bertha to start walking back. I can see the ball of light fade to nothing. we walk all the way to the train and I come home. Climb the stairs and back to the couch.

Together

As I got up from the kitchen table, Roger stood up as well. I felt nervous showing him the time travel train station in my basement. This is the kind of thing that freaks people out. I took a a deep breath and walked over to the door. Today the stairs were brightly lit. For the first time I spoke words while I walked down the stairs. "I painted the scenes on the walls to make it brighter in here" I said to Roger, who was behind me. "I love them" he said quietly, as he gazed up along the walls and the ceiling.

At the bottom of the stairs I heaved the big heavy door open, and stepped aside as I let Roger walk past me into the room. I let the door swing shut, as I stood there in silence.
 "There is no train right now." He said.
"Where do you want to go? Do we pick? Or does the train pick for us?"
 "It depends on if you have a purpose, or just want an adventure" I replied.
"Which shall we do today?" He asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know." I responded.
"A moment in the past has already been lived, and a moment in the future is one of many possibilities. Let us travel to another world." He said. "Let us meet your ancestors."
"Ok" I replied. We stepped up to the platform; we could feel the wind starting to blow gently. Then we could hear the rumble of time and space moving.The tunnel started to light up in blue. With a blast of air the tunnel was filled with bright blue light zooming past us.
Roger grabs my hand, "Come with me I will show you where to go."
We step into the blue zooming light train and immediately step off onto the other side. I look around but everything appears blurred. "Can you see ok?" Roger asked, seeming to know that I could not see.
"It is blurry, everything is really blurry." I said.
 "Keep my hand I will lead you." We start to walk and I can feel the ground crunching under my feet. I can see blurry objects moving around me, and I can feel a breeze on my neck. We stop walking. A blurry image stops in front of us.
"This is your Great Grandma Drake" Roger says to me. "I cant see her." I reply.
"Close your eyes." Roger said. "Take a deep breath. Can you hear her?" I shut my eyes and breath in.
"Hello Rachel." Says a crackly old voice. "Yes I heard that." Roger laughs........"you can respond to her. She can hear you and see you."
"Hi Grandma Drake. How are you?" I ask.
"I'm dead." She responds, and her and Roger start laughing. I join in the laughter as well.
"Well, its nice to meet you, I'm sorry I can't actually see you", I say after the chuckles have subsided. "Don't be scared of me, I'm here to help." I can hear the crackly voice say as her voice  starts getting quieter.
"Roger I can't even hear her very good" I say to him. he pulls me closer to him, I can feel him lean in next me. "Can you hear me ok? he asked. "Yes, now keep your eyes closed and you can hear her too." "I'm here to help" I can hear her clearly say. "Help with what " I ask.
 "Help with......" her words seem to drown out again."
"Thank you Grandma" Roger says. "OK for now" she replied. I open my eyes, everything is still blurry, though I can tell she is not in front on me anymore. I turn towards Roger. "Who else am I going to meet here today?"
"We will come back in a week," Roger says. "Come with me." We walk a little ways, then we step though what looks like a veil.
"Do you recognize this?" Roger Asks.  Everything is clear. We are standing at the edge of field with thousands of TVs on stands all playing something different. "Yes, this was from my dream, after the long amount of time walking through the dark woods. My soul showed me that this, would be after that. She said something about how these are all choices and outcomes." I look over at him, thankful I can see him clearly in this light.
"This is what we navigate this week. Together."

Photo credit:Photo by Antonio Grosz on Unsplash

One. Moment in Time

I paused for a moment. I realized in that moment I was not where I thought I should be. A moment ago I was sitting on my couch in my living room, scrolling aimlessly through Facebook, and with a long blink I am here.

I look down, I'm standing on a concrete slab, with green rolling hills falling away from the edges. I am wearing black boots, a long red dress with short sleeves. I take a step forward and hear a scraping sound on the concrete next to me. I turn and look down at my left hand and realize I'm holding a long sword. I am dragging the tip of it on the ground. I look around me...I don't see anyone..It is light outside, but overcast.

I take a deep breath...wtf is going on...where am I? How the f**k do I get home?

I see someone walking towards me in the distance. It appears to be a man. He is wearing all black, and dragging a sword behind him. As he gets closer I wonder if I am going to have to fight this dude. I have no idea how to sword fight...my heart starts to race as the impending doom sensation starts to roll over me. This is the beginning of the end.
I shut my eyes for a second...am I dreaming? did I fall asleep on the couch? It didn't feel like it, and this didn't feel like a dream either.

The man stops at the edge of the concrete...too far to fight, but close enough to see him and hear him.

"You wanted to see me".. He said
"I don't know what you're talking about." I reply.
"You don't recognize me?" he asked
I shook my head.... "No" I replied. "I don't."
"It's not time." He said.
"Time for what?" I asked
"Time for me to be there." He said, as he raised his sword and pointed at the sky.
I look up behind at what he is pointing at.....through the clouds I can see me sitting on the couch...still on my phone.
I look back at him...."Who are you? why are we holding swords?"
"This was our last lifetime together, do you remember? It was here on this hill that we summoned the universe and asked for the vision of our lives. What it would look like. We saw dark thunder clouds and images...remember? they were scary and dark...we held each other and cried...it was then that we decided we would live the next lives apart from each other. We did not want to darken the love we had. Do you remember?" He asked again.
"I remember the decision...I don't remember here...when do I meet you? Why did I come here?"
"I brought you here to remember."....he stepped closer to me.
"Your sister told you today, to remember the feeling...the feeling we shared ...lifetime after lifetime."

"But this is not my home" I said..."I have kids and an ex, and work...and I haven't felt this for seven or eight lifetimes...how do I feel this and all of that? Why is it not time?" I asked.
He looked down at his feet....he took another step forward..I could see the features on his face now...I could see the tears in his eyes...."I'm not ready yet" He replied softly.
"I don't think I am either" I said softly.
He stepped closer again..If I reached out I could touch him.
He stepped in again, we embraced. I could smell him, the tears stung my eyes as I held him tight.
He stepped back..."I need you to stay in the light, so I can find you"  He said.
"I don't even know what that means" I said...
"I don't either...but I keep asking the universe to bring you to me..and it keeps telling me *You will find her in the light, keep looking into the light, she will be there*."
"OK" ..I said. "I will remember" ..
"And I will find you, I promise." He said.
He looked behind him, into the distance. He looked back at me.."I have to go, I'm sorry.."
he turned and walked away, dragging his sword along the concrete until it ended.
He disappeared into the distance.
I looked up at the sky, I could still see me sitting on the couch...I could see the image on the phone..I focused on it and in a flash, I was on the couch focusing on my phone again.
I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to hold onto the feeling I had...for a second..I could feel it. The warmth of a thousand lifetimes.

Freedom

I drop my keys on the desk. This is it, this moment has been a long time coming.

The last six months I have been working tirelessly on my websites. Everything feels so synchronistic. I checked my bank account this morning before I left work. I made more money last month than the previous six months combined. When I get to work my boss calls me into her office. The paper is sitting there. I already know that she is trying to discipline me for something unnecessary. She is rattling on about something, I'm not listening. My mind is calculating the things I will lose today. My heart is calculating what I will gain today. I had imagined I would do both jobs for a few years. I would create a secure, stable income from the websites first. Now I am standing here on the precipice of change, the brink of freedom.
I think about all of the tasks I am supposed to complete today. I think about the way people are going to react about my decision. I think about the people that are going to judge me, and the people that are going to feel like I am leaving them behind. I start to feel a twinge of doubt. My mind starts to convince me to pick the keys back up again.
I look at my boss, she has stopped talking, and is staring at me, waiting for me to respond to a question I did not hear. "I don't know" I answer, unsure if that will answer sufficiently. I start to feel panicked. I cant decide which way to go. My mind is screaming at me to make it work, to take my time, to plan it out. My heart is whispering at me to take the leap.
 I think to myself "jeez universe, help me out here". My phone dings. I turn the phone over and read the text. A call off for PM, another ding before I can even look away. A full time person just quit. My mind starts to wander to the schedule. Who is going to take of these people tonight? Who is going to find coverage? The phone dings again. Another call off. "OK universe, I get the message, no more call offs" I think to myself.
I look back at my boss, she is still rattling on about some report and how she is sure she told me about it.
I take a deep breath. I look at my phone. I delete the texts, I clear the call history, and I lock the phone. I set it on the table next to my keys.
She hands me the write up, mumbling the usual "please read and sign". I take it from her, and turn the paper over. I scribble my official statement noting that I quit, as of today. I know I am forfeiting my PTO. I don't care anymore. I turn to my boss, and hand her the paper.
"Good luck, you had two staff members call off tonight and two are quitting as of right now."
She stares at the paper as I turn and walk out the door.
As I step out into the sunshine, I finally realize what freedom felt like.

At The Movies

My friend set me up with a blind date. I'm not sure why I agreed, but I did. As I stood outside of the movie theatre my mind was racing with excuses on how to get out of the date, excuses how to leave early, and a thousand critiques of my flaws thus giving him a reason to leave early. I heaved a deep sigh as I checked my phone again.

I was standing outside the theatre waiting for him to arrive. I knew he would be wearing a blue shirt, but other than that, my friend didn't want to tell me anything else. It felt like everyone was wearing blue that day.

A movie attendant came out of the building and walked up to me. "Are you Rachel?" She asked.
"Yes" I replied. Instantly thinking he had called the theatre and cancelled.
"Your date is already in the theatre." She smiled, "Follow me" she said, as she turned around and headed back into the theatre.

I followed her in the main doors, and to my surprise we continued down the hall to a theatre. She pulled the door open and we walked up the ramp into the room. There was already something playing on the screen, but I couldn't tell if it was a movie or an advertisement. The theatre was empty with the exception of a man in a blue shirt in the middle of the sea of seats. I turned to say thank you to the attendant, but she was already gone.

Well, I thought, this it, I'm either in, or, I'm out. I walked up the stairs to the row he was sitting in and walked down to the seat next to him and sat down. The movie that was playing was dark and I couldn't see his face very well.

"Hi" he said. "You can call me what ever name you like, I am from the future and I cant tell you my real name."
I looked over at him as the lights changed again so I couldn't see his features.
"Why are you coming to see me here?" I asked. "Do I know you in the future?"
He laughed, "Of course you do. I wouldn't be here with you if we didn't know each other in the future."

"Why are you here?" I asked again.
"I came back because I didn't want you to doubt. In the future you talk a lot about this time in your life. That you doubt in your self of creating the life you want. You talk about how you don't think you will meet me. I just want to ease the doubt."
I sat quiet for a minute. "Yes I do have doubts, I cant see it, so it feels impossible. The life I want, the love I want." I looked down at my hands. " I feel lost most days, and some days, stuck. Most days i am not lonely, but when I do feel it, it lays on me like a heavy blanket."

"We build the life together. That is why it is so hard for you to imagine what we create. You cant read a mind you haven't met yet." He said quietly.

"When do I meet you?" I asked.
He laughed again, "you know I cant tell you that, it will screw up the timeline. You are the one who taught me that!"
"Why did we meet here at the theatre?"
"We met here because I wanted to show you some movies. These are parts of our lives that we have created. Just me coming here will alter some things in our timeline, but nothing drastic. These videos are parts that don't change. Are you ready to watch them?" He sat silently staring at me waiting for me to answer.
I sat in bewilderment for a few moments. I looked up at the screen, and noticed it was paused. I look over at him, "Ok, I am ready" I replied with a smile. I sat back in my seat, and faced the movie screen, as he hit play on the movie of our future life.

As the movie ended, I felt a pang of sadness in my chest, and it rose into my throat. "Its perfect." I said quietly, as a tear rolled down my cheek. He gently wiped the tear away.
 "Yes, and it is ours" he replied softly. "I don't learn how to time travel until after I meet you, you will have to find me. I am sorry for that." His voiced cracked. I looked up at him to see he had tears rolling down his cheeks too.
"What should I be doing now? Is there something I can be doing more of to meet you sooner?" I asked.
"Honestly, I don't know." He replied. "I don't want to mess up the timeline. My time is up to be here with you, I have to go, I'm sorry."
 He wiped his tears away and stood up and walked away. Before he reached the door of the theatre he disappeared. I stood up and walked out of the theatre, and out into the sunlight. I looked back at the theatre, and as I was about to turn and walk to my car a man approached me.
 "Hi, are you Rachel? I'm Ted, your blind date!"

Just a Picture

As I step into the stairwell, I look around. This stairwell used to feel dark and somewhat foreboding. The walls were dark, just one light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and it smelled of old wood and varnish. I no longer fear the door at the bottom of the stair case. Now the walls are white, with bright flowers painted on them. Raindrop shaped lights are hung from the ceiling all the way down the stairs. The door is still heavy, but it has wooden gate with climbing flowers painted on it, so it feels like you are entering into a secret garden. I walk down the stairs and push the door open. I step onto the platform and let the door fall closed behind me.

I pause for a moment letting my thoughts fall around me. What do I want to know? What are my expectations? What is my brain telling me I should see? I watch my thoughts turn into pictures and float to ground around me, like leaves falling in autumn. My urge is to pick them back up and put them in my pocket. I look up at the blue freight train of energy, light and images zooming past me. I step towards the edge of the platform. I look back at the pictures laying on the floor. I take deep breath, I start to feel naked and lost without holding onto everything the pictures represent. Before I convince myself to go get them I reach my hand out and touch the blue freight train. I zoom along for a few minutes. I feel myself tumbling for a little while. I start to focus on where and when I want to go to. I want so badly to know where my pinnacle of success lies, internally. Where all the parts of my world feel fulfilled. Where my heart feels content, and I feel connected to my heart and my soul. I tumble along further and suddenly fall into an office.

I look around. There are big floor to ceiling windows along one whole wall, looking down over a city. There is a blue couch facing the window. There is a desk in the corner to my left. The walls have pictures hanging on them, but no photographs. there is a round wooden table in the right corner of the room. I look around at the table and desk. There are no calenders or newspapers to look at to see when  I travelled to. I look out the window, there is another tall building almost directly across from the window. I look to left and I can see smaller buildings as far as I can see. There are cars driving on the street. They look like regular cars from here, but I am at least 25 stories up. I look around the room again. along the back wall, opposite of the windows there is a door. I open the door and step into the hallway. there are cubicles to my left, that appear to all be empty. On my right are four elevators. I walk up to it and push the down button. The doors open. The elevator is empty. I step inside and look at the button panel. I click on floor one. As the elevator hums down the many levels, I wonder where time took me? What on Earth am I meant to see here? Where am I? The elevator doors open. The lobby is spacious and vacant. I walk to the doors leading outside. I pull the glass door open and step out onto the sidewalk. I stand there just letting everything soak in. The sun shining, the trees, the cars, the people walking past me. I look across the street, there is a small park area to the left. There is a woman sitting on the bench with a man. I walk down the sidewalk towards her, as  I get closer, I realize it is me. I cant actually tell how much older I am. I don't recognize the man, but we seem close. I don't seem to be able to get closer to her. My legs feel heavy. I look up in the sky. I hear a loud wind sound, I see the blue freight train of energy appear in the sky. It swoops towards me and scoops me up, for a brief second I am floating, then I see the platform and I am standing there again. All of my pictures are still laying on the floor. I watch them all turn to ash except one. What do I want to know? I pick up the picture and look at it. It is a picture of me and the man sitting on the park bench. I smile and put the picture in my pocket. I open the heavy door and head back up the stairs.

The Power

I recently came to an epiphany. A paused moment in time, a second of clarity where I can see everything behind me and in front of me. I need to own the power that I had before. Own it, not relive it. Own it, not redo it. Own it, not accept at face value. I dont want to put this power back on, like an old coat that smells of mold and moth balls. I need to own it, like a vase that you retrieve from the pawn shop. But this time you actually use it to put flowers in; instead of using it as a puke bucket. I need to own the power that I had before. Before I felt used and cheapened. Before I gave away my power because I didn't know I was giving it away. I didn't even know it was something to have. It was an unbridled power that was seeming to harm myself and other people. I was stumbling through time, carelessly abusing what I had to offer. I didn't understand the wounds I was carving, or how I was changing my own timeline. I didnt understand how I was creating the walls I was building. I allowed myself to become broken.  I couldn't rid myself of this power. I convinced myself that this power that I had would be enough to convince someone of the beauty of my soul. And the men that loved this power would eventually love the rest of me. I was wrong. This took me a long time to learn. I tried to shed the power, I ignored it, refused to use it, pretended that it didn't exist. I tried to believe that if the power was no longer there and all that was left was my soul, that the man I had invested my time in would fall in love with me. I was wrong. I know things unfolded for reasons beyond the simplicity of power or no power.

I know now that I need my power. I need to learn to control it and harness it. I need to cultivate the power within myself. I need to have faith that  I will see through the men that simply want the power and nothing else I have to offer.

Blind Date .... Dry run

I went on a blind date with my self tonight. It was an eye opener. First and for most I had to work late, so the date was 2 1/2 hours later than planned. I automatically made the assumption  that the other person would instantly no longer be interested. Which I guess I really do not know. So I got home from work to change my clothes and I instantly started to talk myself out of going. Too tired , nothing to wear. (I was going to Starbucks...alone) Then I go in the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I hear the voice saying you look awful, no one is going to want to hang out with you. I look like a mess. I have pimples, my hair is gray, and brown, and blond. Super unattractive. If the voice is this loud going somewhere alone, I cant imagine how loud it would be if  I was actually meeting a stranger. I almost convinced myself I wasn't worth my own time. That is crazy. As I sit and reflect on the evening, I can see that my expectations of myself in this type of situation is unreasonable. I feel like I should magically turn into someone else that this person I've never met will like. I'm caught between not wanting someone to only want to be with me for what I can offer them physically, and still wanting them to find me attractive. As if the idea that someone finding me attractive means they will not see the beauty of my soul.

Alone

How do I say this? I just want to explain this moment of clarity I have. I remember being alone many times during my childhood. I realize now that the first times I was left alone were when my sister went to kindergarten (I was 2) and my mom was.....writing? Still working?.......Not home. I realize now that I correlated being alone with them being together. .....As I got older my sister (no longer in public school) chose to not want to be around me and my mom was.....writing?....Still working?.......Not home. We were home schooled so there's that. I continued to be alone a lot. As I entered puberty and my teenage years I might well have been an alien. My sister was coveted for her strengths and quirky traits. I was normal and left alone. I forged my own path separate and alone from my family. They didn't really notice. Then my sister had a meltdown ...wreaked havoc on my parents and left....leaving a huge mess for me to clean up. I worked diligently to fill the void my sister left behind...trying to build a bond that would not be broken if she returned one day. I grew close to my mom for the first time in my life. 15 years goes by and my sister decides to return into our lives. I feel the bond between them growing and mine shrinking. They are my biggest fans yet I feel suffocated by them. Them as a team. I feel the empty lonely ache return. I reach out to them trying to find proof that I wont be left alone again. Both of their words of wisdom are that I will indeed be alone. for many years. I have many issues, many obstacles to overcome. Many trials to face before I can feel the victorious feeling of having a loving partner. I believe them and feel the weight push me down further. I move to a new town and now my only sounding boards, my only friends, my only fans are the ones that make me feel like I cant breathe. No where to speak my me. Nowhere to post words that might accidentally be turned the wrong way. I realize now they are not the makers of happiness or loneliness. Nor are either of them allowed to judge what I need and don't need. Little do they know...I am not broken, I am not lost, I am not weak, I am not searching for happiness. I have strength, integrity, power, wisdom, honesty, faith, prosperity, happiness, and now I have reclaimed my power over loneliness. I can say that watching the relationship between them blossom has been somewhat painful. I am again lost in background noise. The part that I lost track of though is that the path they follow of traumas, inner turmoil, financial discord, hard lessons learned....is not my path. I have worked hard to have financial security and success. It is not better, just different. I wanted so badly to share my path with someone; that I latched back onto each of them in hopes of finding some strength and security, and like mindedness; that I forgot how different our paths have always been. I forgive my mom for any moments she left me alone and I hold no anger towards either of them for our paths differences. I will say this: being self sufficient, independent, and able to be alone, does not mean I need to be alone or that I deserve to be alone.

Thank You

So my sister says I should write a letter to my future partner.........lol I am doing this for her ...ahaha



Thank you for being you. Thank you for standing against racism with me. Thank you for understanding why I kneel for the anthem, and kneeling with me. Thank you for going on road trips with me and letting me sing with all the songs. Thank you for understanding what rape culture is and not participating in it. Thank you for going hiking with me, and going to the gym just so we can burn enough calories to go to a food festival. thank you for always finding humor in hard times. Thank you for loving and accepting my family even though they are not normal by society standards. Thank you for being my vault of my thoughts, fears, and dreams. Thank you for being a role model for my children. Thank you for showing them how to love a woman selflessly and respectfully. Thank you for showing me what love trully feels like. Thank you for being my best friend that I will always choose to be around above and beyond anything else. Thank you for giving me space to feel emotions and not marginalizing them. Thank you letting me love you with my whole soul. Thank you for wanting to learn how to rock climb with me..... and being willing to participate in everything that we can learn together. Thank you for staying true to you, and forcing me to stay me as we walk side by side through life. I might not ever meet you in this life time. But I love you anyway, wherever you are. I will still be true in the next life too. I would rather be alone than with someone other than you.

Love, Me

The value of me

The struggle is real. How do I sit here and watch my boys suffer because I want happiness? I am struggling to believe that I have value. To be told that that I am worthless because I don't complete enough tasks. I don't do enough things to make the other person feel like they don't have to do anything.

The struggle is real.

 When two people hold different beliefs their worlds will never fit together. One person believes that to have someone show them love is for that person to do everything (clean, cook, plan, organize, etc) for them. While the other person believes that to have someone show them love is for that person to share burdens and tasks, explore ideas, have conversations, build each other up.

It amazes me that even though I am aware of the manipulation, I cant seem to keep myself from getting entangled in it unless I am separate from it. I know the words that are spoken are not true, yet my heart hurts and  I question my own measurement of value in the face of adversity. I can only hope that as I reach for the sky and pull myself out of this hole, I can learn enough to not put myself back in the hole again.

I know I have value. My value is not measured in the tasks I complete. I know this. My value is, or should be measured by my ability to love, my compassion for others, my integrity, my perseverance. I might not be a great housekeeper. In fact; I know this. I do my best. I measure my best against my previous best. I always try to improve the person I am today.

Not lately. Not for the last year. I lost my strength. The struggle against the mental warfare is real. I have allowed myself to be mentally reduced to nothing. Why? I don't know. The imagined greater good. The happiness of others. At some point my children's "happiness" was measured as more important. That is ultimately not what I want them to learn. I don't want them to think that someone else's happiness measures higher than their own. We measure our happiness against our previous happiness. (or at least we should). They have not benefited from the last year of their "happiness".

I will heal. I will become the woman I imagine in my head. I will not allow anyone else to devalue me. I am tired of fighting against the mind games. I need to regain my strength. I don't know how. I am mentally exhausted. I will find my way, find my strength. I will not allow the coldness I feel in my heart to overrun me.