Alone

How do I say this? I just want to explain this moment of clarity I have. I remember being alone many times during my childhood. I realize now that the first times I was left alone were when my sister went to kindergarten (I was 2) and my mom was.....writing? Still working?.......Not home. I realize now that I correlated being alone with them being together. .....As I got older my sister (no longer in public school) chose to not want to be around me and my mom was.....writing?....Still working?.......Not home. We were home schooled so there's that. I continued to be alone a lot. As I entered puberty and my teenage years I might well have been an alien. My sister was coveted for her strengths and quirky traits. I was normal and left alone. I forged my own path separate and alone from my family. They didn't really notice. Then my sister had a meltdown ...wreaked havoc on my parents and left....leaving a huge mess for me to clean up. I worked diligently to fill the void my sister left behind...trying to build a bond that would not be broken if she returned one day. I grew close to my mom for the first time in my life. 15 years goes by and my sister decides to return into our lives. I feel the bond between them growing and mine shrinking. They are my biggest fans yet I feel suffocated by them. Them as a team. I feel the empty lonely ache return. I reach out to them trying to find proof that I wont be left alone again. Both of their words of wisdom are that I will indeed be alone. for many years. I have many issues, many obstacles to overcome. Many trials to face before I can feel the victorious feeling of having a loving partner. I believe them and feel the weight push me down further. I move to a new town and now my only sounding boards, my only friends, my only fans are the ones that make me feel like I cant breathe. No where to speak my me. Nowhere to post words that might accidentally be turned the wrong way. I realize now they are not the makers of happiness or loneliness. Nor are either of them allowed to judge what I need and don't need. Little do they know...I am not broken, I am not lost, I am not weak, I am not searching for happiness. I have strength, integrity, power, wisdom, honesty, faith, prosperity, happiness, and now I have reclaimed my power over loneliness. I can say that watching the relationship between them blossom has been somewhat painful. I am again lost in background noise. The part that I lost track of though is that the path they follow of traumas, inner turmoil, financial discord, hard lessons learned....is not my path. I have worked hard to have financial security and success. It is not better, just different. I wanted so badly to share my path with someone; that I latched back onto each of them in hopes of finding some strength and security, and like mindedness; that I forgot how different our paths have always been. I forgive my mom for any moments she left me alone and I hold no anger towards either of them for our paths differences. I will say this: being self sufficient, independent, and able to be alone, does not mean I need to be alone or that I deserve to be alone.

In This Lifetime

In this lifetime. I am starting to believe and maybe the word should be understand that in this lifetime I am here as a supporting role to many others. I walk towards passions and formative positions, and I feel like the forces of nature are holding me back. I tell myself: I will do this in my next lifetime. Not enough time in this one to do everything. Ultimately I have been there/here to provide support to those around me. As I write these words down, it feels like it echos selfishness. Do I really play a big enough role in people's lives to change the outcome if thier lifetime, simply by being a part of their life? Is it an excuse for feeling inadequate in my own pursuits? As an example: I see thousands of people donating thier time to volunteer for #BernieSanders. They are phonebanking and canvassing and getting out there in front of people. They are making connections and putting in that physical and mental energy. Another example: My exercise challenge group on Facebook. They post every day. They find the time to exercise and food prep and say no to self sabotage. How are all these people doing it? Where are they finding the energy? Where did mine go?
The dreams of my past still haunt me. I can't seem to shake the regret and the frustration of not pursuing my career dreams. I guess I did try, but the obstacles were overwhelming. I think if I tell myself that I am not here to make waves, but simply help others through thiers; it softens the blow. I had always dreamed of making waves. I thought I would find serial killers and that I would be rich;  my money would help lift thousands of people up to a better level. I dreamed that my way of redistributing wealth would be met simultaneously with backlash and applaud. I dreamed I would buy land for native American tribes, and help provide homes to abused women. I dreamed I would find people who had been missing using my specially trained dogs. I dreamed I would help others reach thier dreams; especially when the only obstacle was money. I dreamed I would help my parents, give them a chance to experience the fruition of thier dreams. They wanted to travel around in a big RV. My mom wanted me to publicize her book. She dreamed of being a famous author, with 12 books in her series and her life story would be world renowned.
Am I not happy where I am now? I certainly have not accomplished any of the above, nor am I on the way down that path. I have nothing to help my parents financially. It is not that I am unhappy; I simply imagined that my life and the events that flow through it would be wider reaching. Luckily I have my boys in this lifetime. If I had accomplished becoming an FBI agent I would not have had kids.
I guess the rest of it I can put a pin in and make it happen in my next lifetime.

In The Heart of Me

Motivation: The drive to do something that comes from within. Lack of motivation is a major complaint about ourselves in a variety of aspects in life, from exercise to learning, to cleaning house. How do you or I overcome this lack of motivation. I think that there are different emotions that drive motivation or lack thereof. My lack of motivation to clean my house for instance stems from 2 things. 1 I am not happy in my life situation I feel stuck and and mentally exhausted. I also have been feeling like I shouldn't bother trying to do things because it is simply not I am simply not worth the effort. These words are difficult to type let alone acknowledge. I remember feeling at one point in time that my life was on the edge of excitement and new things and to be prepared for those things I worked really hard to ensure that the house was clean, My hair and makeup were done. Food was cooked. structure was in place. Now I look around  and feel like nobody cares. Nobody cares if I care. Is is worth it to do this? What is the point? I wish I could could rekindle that spark. That spark that lights up the corners of your world and makes you feel like you don't want it to go dark again. How do I get that back again? Where did it go? Why did it leave?What do I need to do to get it back? I need to figure out what got lost and created this void. I guess a part of it was when I was single I dreamed that I would meet a man that would love me and appreciate my efforts to keep my home clean and my children on a healthy schedule. The man I am just doesn't. I was alone with my boys when I did really well. I knew I needed to do everything because it was just me. now that I share my home I expect an equal partner to help with the tasks of the house. Unfortunately The man I am with feels he should do nothing and the things he is forced to do should be paid back, or he collects an imaginary coin of debt for every task he completes. But the tasks I do don't count. There is no option to collect a coin of debt. In fact all of the work that I do in his mind is not work so I do nothing. I have tried hard not to fall into the path of believing him. But the opposition is strong. If I cook dinner every night and wash the dishes every day and then ask him to vacuum or help with kids I am told that I do nothing, I start to question whether what I  am doing is actually nothing. What happens if I don't do it anymore? Nothing happens. No one says that was really great hen you used to do that. Nobody says anything. Even the man who complained that  I did nothing says nothing. It drives home my feeling that what I was doing didn't really matter to anyone. The interesting thing is before he got here the motivation was an unknown force ..the idea of being appreciated for this act in the future by some unknown person was powerful enough to motivate me. And ultimately I felt good about me. Now I feel worthless. I have let someone else's judgement of me change my perception of myself. When I wake up tomorrow morning how do I tell my self that  I count regardless of what anyone thinks. What do I say to convince myself of this? How should I feel when I am done doing something?