In This Lifetime

In this lifetime. I am starting to believe and maybe the word should be understand that in this lifetime I am here as a supporting role to many others. I walk towards passions and formative positions, and I feel like the forces of nature are holding me back. I tell myself: I will do this in my next lifetime. Not enough time in this one to do everything. Ultimately I have been there/here to provide support to those around me. As I write these words down, it feels like it echos selfishness. Do I really play a big enough role in people's lives to change the outcome if thier lifetime, simply by being a part of their life? Is it an excuse for feeling inadequate in my own pursuits? As an example: I see thousands of people donating thier time to volunteer for #BernieSanders. They are phonebanking and canvassing and getting out there in front of people. They are making connections and putting in that physical and mental energy. Another example: My exercise challenge group on Facebook. They post every day. They find the time to exercise and food prep and say no to self sabotage. How are all these people doing it? Where are they finding the energy? Where did mine go?
The dreams of my past still haunt me. I can't seem to shake the regret and the frustration of not pursuing my career dreams. I guess I did try, but the obstacles were overwhelming. I think if I tell myself that I am not here to make waves, but simply help others through thiers; it softens the blow. I had always dreamed of making waves. I thought I would find serial killers and that I would be rich;  my money would help lift thousands of people up to a better level. I dreamed that my way of redistributing wealth would be met simultaneously with backlash and applaud. I dreamed I would buy land for native American tribes, and help provide homes to abused women. I dreamed I would find people who had been missing using my specially trained dogs. I dreamed I would help others reach thier dreams; especially when the only obstacle was money. I dreamed I would help my parents, give them a chance to experience the fruition of thier dreams. They wanted to travel around in a big RV. My mom wanted me to publicize her book. She dreamed of being a famous author, with 12 books in her series and her life story would be world renowned.
Am I not happy where I am now? I certainly have not accomplished any of the above, nor am I on the way down that path. I have nothing to help my parents financially. It is not that I am unhappy; I simply imagined that my life and the events that flow through it would be wider reaching. Luckily I have my boys in this lifetime. If I had accomplished becoming an FBI agent I would not have had kids.
I guess the rest of it I can put a pin in and make it happen in my next lifetime.

Thanks to Authors

Today is National Authors Day! National Authors Day became a nationally observed day in 1949. You can celebrate today by buying a book by your favorite author or you can find your favorite author through social media and pass on a thank you for writing their novels, and use the tag line #NationalAuthorDay. Today I would like to thank some of my favorite authors. The first one is James A Michner may he rest in peace. James A michner wrote the most amazing, detailed historically correlated fiction. They were works of art spread across the pages. His words made memories. When I read his books I was there, in the book. I could taste the dust, feel the rain, smell the flowers and I could hear the voices of the people living in that time. The next author is Patricia Cornwell. This woman is my idol. She lives, and feels, and experiences the police work that she details in her books. She is able to bring to life a crime scene, and the internal process of all of the people involved in the investigation. Kay Scarpetta; though a fictional character is in her own right an amazing woman. Brought to life by the words of Patricia Cornwell. My next favorite author is Michael Connelly. I am proud of him like I would be of my brother. His books have become an amazing show produced by Amazon TV. His writing brings the life of a homicide detective in LA to life like no one else can. His knowledge through his own experiences as a detective shine brightly in his writing. My next favorite author is John Sanford. He writes with an intensity that is unmatched. When I am reading his books I can't turn the page fast enough. My heart races in rhythm with his writing. I am blessed to have these authors in my life. I am a better person for it. These books all sit proudly on my book shelf among other great writings. Thank you for writing. Any one who is out there wondering if they should write a book, the answer is yes. Your writing will have an effect on people that you will never know.