The Plan

 As I sit here pondering the next 6 months and what I intend on creating, I feel my thoughts and emotions tumbling down the stream bed bouncing off rocks and swirling around, blending into the next fold of water without care. 

What do I want? What do I want to change? Accomplish? Create? Learn? 

What is wrong with what is currently being accomplished, created, learned, received and altered?

Am I being selfish? Crazy, illogical? Unrealistic? Arrogant? 

I carefully pluck each of these words off of me and set them down on the table. 

I take a deep breath in, close my eyes and open them again. I look at the words sitting on the table as each of them bursts into a water puddle and water runs off the edge of the table. 

Roger appears; standing in front of my sliding glass door. He sits down at the table and starts patting his hand on the water puddled on the table splashing everything. 

"Raquel, what is this? you know you can call me like normal people and not pour water everywhere." He laughs at his own joke and then quiets again. 

"You have been doing well Raquel. Every action today echos into the future. Bold changes require bold action, but the proof is in the echos. Let us meet with the OGs and GOATs. They await our arrival." He places his hand over mine and in a blink we are in the conference area we had met before. They are all seated at the table already. The Skeleton Woman speaks first. 

"Do you have your written plan to present?" I turn to Roger and give him a look that says: What plan? written? what did you not tell me? I don't have a plan!

"Raquel has lived in the confines of humanhood for too long to truly articulate her plan. She weighs and measures against pesky things like gravity and the Gregorian calendar." Roger says.  They all chuckle in unison while I give Roger the Side eye. 

"Speak anyway" says Skeleton Woman. 

"Ok, I start. I want to own a Crime lab, and a bookstore, and have search dogs and horses, and a contract with DOJ? FBI? Interpol? to assist with cases. I want to have a presence on the internet via websites, youtube or whatever."..I start to trail off. 

"And?" says Skeleton Woman.

"Um I guess that's it" I reply.

 "You know I can see your thoughts, right?" She says.

"Oh well, now I do ...yes." I stammer.  

"Remember to be whole, your dream must have all 4 pillars AND a foundation. Please continue." Says Skeleton Woman. 

"Ok.....I want financial freedom to pay....Nevermind...just finanacial freedom" I correct myself. "There are those pesky earth limits." I joke uncomfortably.  "I want to travel and provide a stable and secure life for my kids."

I stop talking and pause.

"Go on" says Skeleton woman. 

"Ummmm, I guess I would like to have a partner, a compadre, someone to share this journey with." 

I stop talking again and look at Skeleton Woman.

"Keep going" she says.

"Uhhh ok, I want to trave..  "NO" she interrupts..."Keep going. Remember 4 pillars AND a foundation."

"Um ok," I say.

 I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I have no idea what she wants me to say. I look to Roger for help and he is playing Sudoku. Ugh ok.

Pillars and foundation. 

"I need a clear path, healthy body, happy family and action?" I ask. 

I admonish myself: I didn't mean to form this into a question. I take a deep breath because honestly I cant tell if I am holding my breath or not. 

"Um maybe you can help me with my own thoughts," I say, with a nervous chuckle. I feel my face turn hot as I realize I said this out loud to a table full of literal God and Goddesses.

Skeleton Woman stands up. 

I take a step back from the table. I feel Rogers hand on my back as he pushes me back to the edge of the table. 

Skeleton Woman starts to speak and then pauses. "You need to speak" she says.

"Your foundation is knowledge, love, health and action. Your pillars are family, finances, freedom, and friendship." 

"I am so sorry, I don't know how that helps me" I reply. I look at Roger for support in my confusion.

 "I literally want to create a variety of somethings out of nothing, without the you know...knowledge part of the foundation. I don't know how to learn all of that in one lifetime." I continue. 

This elicits another round of chuckles and outright laughter from the table. 

"You must Speak" says Ganesh. "the Action of speaking out loud TO people will allow us *he motions to the table* to follow the energy lines needed to help you. This is what you called us for correct?"

"Um, yes" I reply quietly. 

The old man stands. "We *he motions to the table* only see the energy. We are not bogged down by peskiness as you put it. You have called us to you, to assist with, for us, a very simple endeavor. YOU my friend carry the heavy shall we say Gravitous burden of creating the energy. "

The old man sits back down. 

"Ok," I reply. "I honestly am unsure where to start, or what the best path is."

Skeleton Woman rises again. "You must speak aloud to people until you are no longer uncomfortable."

I feel Rogers hand on my arm and before I could even blink I was back at my kitchen table. and another blink sitting in my room typing this.

In This Lifetime

In this lifetime. I am starting to believe and maybe the word should be understand that in this lifetime I am here as a supporting role to many others. I walk towards passions and formative positions, and I feel like the forces of nature are holding me back. I tell myself: I will do this in my next lifetime. Not enough time in this one to do everything. Ultimately I have been there/here to provide support to those around me. As I write these words down, it feels like it echos selfishness. Do I really play a big enough role in people's lives to change the outcome if thier lifetime, simply by being a part of their life? Is it an excuse for feeling inadequate in my own pursuits? As an example: I see thousands of people donating thier time to volunteer for #BernieSanders. They are phonebanking and canvassing and getting out there in front of people. They are making connections and putting in that physical and mental energy. Another example: My exercise challenge group on Facebook. They post every day. They find the time to exercise and food prep and say no to self sabotage. How are all these people doing it? Where are they finding the energy? Where did mine go?
The dreams of my past still haunt me. I can't seem to shake the regret and the frustration of not pursuing my career dreams. I guess I did try, but the obstacles were overwhelming. I think if I tell myself that I am not here to make waves, but simply help others through thiers; it softens the blow. I had always dreamed of making waves. I thought I would find serial killers and that I would be rich;  my money would help lift thousands of people up to a better level. I dreamed that my way of redistributing wealth would be met simultaneously with backlash and applaud. I dreamed I would buy land for native American tribes, and help provide homes to abused women. I dreamed I would find people who had been missing using my specially trained dogs. I dreamed I would help others reach thier dreams; especially when the only obstacle was money. I dreamed I would help my parents, give them a chance to experience the fruition of thier dreams. They wanted to travel around in a big RV. My mom wanted me to publicize her book. She dreamed of being a famous author, with 12 books in her series and her life story would be world renowned.
Am I not happy where I am now? I certainly have not accomplished any of the above, nor am I on the way down that path. I have nothing to help my parents financially. It is not that I am unhappy; I simply imagined that my life and the events that flow through it would be wider reaching. Luckily I have my boys in this lifetime. If I had accomplished becoming an FBI agent I would not have had kids.
I guess the rest of it I can put a pin in and make it happen in my next lifetime.

Missing Person File

There are 25000 people missing in California right now. That is a lot of people. When I see posts of Facebook I have a few initial thoughts, Are they truly missing? Or choosing to no longer communicate with their family. When they left did they go willingly? trusting the person they were with did not have evil intentions. Or did they go under duress? Was it a stranger? or someone they knew? Was their disappearance due to an accident? A fall, or a crash? The police simply do not and cannot put resources into finding someone who has disappeared seemingly intentionally, or without any sign of foul play. There are many resources throughout the US that help try to find missing persons. Websites dedicated to listing all of the missing person info and pictures. Search and rescue volunteers that help comb neighborhoods and wooded areas. So why is everyone not found? We have so much information at our fingertips and yet grown men, women and children disappear across our country every day. Where do all of these people go? With the right resources could all of these people be found? With the right search dogs could people be found far from where they disappeared? Is it simply a matter of man power? Or search skills? Available tools? What is missing? Are they being kidnapped and sent to other countries? are their looks changed so much that people no longer recognize them? Are they brainwashed into believing their captors story? What can I do as an ordinary citizen for these people? Some people will simply never be found. They are buried deep in garbage dumps, stuffed in walls of peoples homes, or in basements. Sealed off from the public eye, unable to be reached by anyone but the police. These missing and unidentified people need a voice. Louder than it is right now. Where and how does someone start a search for someone?