Second attempt to find mom

 Today is the day to try talking to my mom again. I take a deep breath and try to imagine what it would be like if she was alive right now. What advice would she be able to give? What would she not know? What could she know if she wasn't walking on this earth anymore? 

Before my mom passed and after she has been diagnosed with terminal cancer with very little time to live, we were driving in the car and my mom turned to me and asked me: "Is there anything I can do for you after I die? I am not leaving you with very much." I thought for a moment and half jokingly I said, "Well can you let me know some winning lotto numbers? I don't really care if you give me the numbers or fix the lotto balls to match what I picked." She laughed and said "you got it, I can do that"

It is one of the only strong memories that I have of her during that time frame. There was a lot of stress and life happening and I feel like everything else just blurred together.

Since that time, I have not had mom show up easily and identifiably yet. My sister who talks to dead people has said that she cant identify mom and feels she is really far out in the ether's and cannot connect with her very well. This made me lose hope for a long time that I would ever feel my mom close to me after death. She was the only person I was ok with haunting me. I reached out to a friend that also talks to spirits and asked if my mom was indeed too far away to reach. My friend said she could feel my mom right away, it was just that she didn't maintain the physical form after death. So for people like me who look for the identifiable markers of recognizable traits to help identify who I am talking to there isn't much to go on.

I attempted to find her with the help of my great grandma Bertha. While I was able to feel her for a moment it was very brief and not very tangible. Not that I need to win the lottery, I don't even buy lotto tickets. I just want this or some simile of it to help heal me and the energy that mom left behind. 

I am asking Grandma Bertha to lead me to her again. today and see if I can get more help, comfort or anything that feels like it.

I get up off the couch and walk down the stairs in the kitchen. I open the heavy door at the bottom of the stairs  and step onto the train platform. The leaves are starting to show on the trees and there are still flower petals everywhere. The air is warm and there is natural light shining on the platform. I walk forward to the edge of the platform and stand there waiting for the train to arrive. I feel the rumble under my feet and whoosh! the train blows through the station. I reach out and step onto the train. I float along in the train for a moment until I step off the other side of the train. Grandma Bertha is waiting for me on the grass. 

"Hello my dear, it is good to see you." She continues to talk as we walk to the cabin. "How are you doing? It has been a week since we spoke. We had talked about checking in more regularly, my dear. It will help your focus." 

We get to the porch and I see Roger is sitting in a rocking chair. There are still two more chairs there. 

"Roger!" I exclaim. "I normally do not see you. What are you doing here?"

"Racquele I am here to see you and check in as well. You have not spoken to us all week. You had your Uncle die this week. we have felt the compartment being created."

I take a deep breath. "Yes he did."

"What day?" asked Roger. 

I thought for a moment as guilt started to rise up. "I think it was Wed night. April 20th"

"Did you provide yourself a safe place to sit and mourn?"

"No, I did not really do anything." 

"We will find time to sit in silence and be alone." Roger says. "Next weekend please plan a morning away from home. Today we are both going to walk with you to see if we can find your mom." 

We all stand up and walk down the steps of the cabin. We walk around the building, and start walking towards the apple orchard.

We step into the orchard and all of the blossoms light up. 

"She is here" says Grandma Bertha. 

We continue to walk deeper into the orchard. I look around at all the trees towering over me. All of the trees all lined up perfectly. 

I felt Roger grip my arm. 

"Here we stop" he says. 

I see a ball of white light start forming in front of me. Out of the white light a fight steps out. It is so bright I can barely see. "Hi Rachel"

I hear my moms voice and the figure in front of me waves. I can only see the dark hair, but cant see a face or a body. 

"Mom is that really you?"  I ask. It actually sounds like you."

"Well I am trying to find a way for you to recognize me until you get better at this. So I picked the voice. she starts to sing the "Casons Go Rolling Along" song. 

I laugh. "You always sang that song." 

"Yes, its hard because I let all of the ties go. except the ties to the people I loved while on earth. Hopefully I can hold onto the this sound for a while." 

As I listen to my mom talk I can hear the voice change in and out of sounding like mom.

"You have a question? that is why you are here. Right?"

"Well yes, and because I miss you, and do not feel connected to you at all." 

"You are getting closer to that. It takes time." The voice says.

"Ask her the questions my dear," I hear Grandma Bertha say with a little nudge of her elbow to my side.

"Ok, here are my questions if you can answer them great if not its ok. Are you able to help me win the lotto?"

"Are you buying the tickets yet?" The voice of mom asks.

"Not recently, but I will this week. Do I need to come here and get numbers? Will you just guide the balls to the numbers? Will this even work?"

"I will do what I can. I cannot manipulate the physical earth, so I will try to guide you to pick the correct numbers."

"I felt tiredness sweeping over my body. I look over at Roger. Should I lay down?" I ask.

"For a few moments sure," Roger says. "We will wait here until you awake."

(20 real minutes later after a short nap)

"Hi, I'm here now. I feel better. Thank you  everyone for waiting for me." 

I look around and see that Grandma Bertha, Roger and the bright light, with a figure in front of it, are all still standing right where they were when I left them.

"Mom, please help in any way you can. I need help navigating this financial area. I need to be able to lift us out of this financial cycle of barely making it. I need help. I need help moving past this depression. What do I do?" 

"Help me define the financial area Rachel. I'm sorry I'm struggling to keep my voice matching with my earth self."

"Ok, I want large amounts of money coming in monthly with little work/energy needed. I want to be able to work from anywhere so I can travel as I see fit. Help Michelle, help Ginnie, Help DeDe."

"Hmmm ok, I will review and let you know what I come up with."

"Are you taking vitamins? supplements?" The voice asks.

"No." I answer.

"Rachel you are not going to be your dad. It will help you take a step forward. It will not fix it." 

"How do I fix it?"

"Through a series of steps. Including coming here to talk things out with all of us." 

"Ok, How long will it take?" 

"If you start now by the end of summer you will feel like a whole different person."

"Ok can we go back to the whole financials Mom? You and dad left us with so little, we are struggling. Michelle is struggling. We don't want to be like you and dad were during the last 30 years of your life. How do we break this cycle? What do we do different? Can you help? Can dad help us?

What should I do?" 

"Well Rachel, you have a plan laid out. Do you not feel it will work? Is it too much?" 

"I don't know mom. I just need to spend my energy on something that will work. If that isn't it then I don't want to do it." 

"Its not really that though is it?" The voice asks. 

"I guess I have not been feeling motivated to work on them." 

"Well you have a lot going on, and you have not been feeling well mentally. I think we should not panic about the websites not working. We need to take time to get through a few other things at the same time. New job, mental health, lifestyle changes, and house remodel. We are doing  a little of each one. None of them are going to show great results instantly. let me sit with it for a little longer."

"I have run out of time tonight mom. I gotta go. I love you." 

I motion for Roger and Grandma Bertha to start walking back. I can see the ball of light fade to nothing. we walk all the way to the train and I come home. Climb the stairs and back to the couch.