Time to talk to Grandma Bertha.
Deep breath. Currently sitting on the couch with my feet up typing this out on my computer. Becoming aware of my heartburn.
Heart starts to beat a little faster. Maybe I should bring Roger with me. Feeling a little dizzy now. It is time. Kids dad just got back with groceries.
(gets distracted for a little bit.)
Back to writing, attempting to focus, kids talking.
Focus, deep breath. just kidding I cant breathe with this smell in here.
(More time goes by)
Ok, i'm gonna try again.
(A little while later)
The smell is dissipating a little. Now I will retry this. Ugh...it is hard when people are around to concentrate.
Deep breath.
(SEVERAL HOURS LATER!)
Finally hours later silence in the house, generic background noise playing on the tv.
Sigh. It should not be this hard to focus. I get up from the couch open the door to the train station. walk down the stairs.
(Distracted again for another 15 minutes)
Continue to walk down the stairs and pull open the door slowly. I step onto the platform and let the door swing shut behind me. I stand there for a long time, paused in space and time.
(Another interruption)
Anyway, back to the train platform. Deep breath. The Spring flowers are still dropping petals, and the warm breeze still pulls the air around me. I step up to the platform waiting for the blue time travel train to arrive. I can feel the rumble under my feet before I can feel the breeze pick up. With a loud whoosh the blue and white train is rushing through the station.
I think out loud to myself, "ok, Grandma Bertha you wanted me to come visit you , here I come."
I close my eyes and reach my hand out in front of me. As soon as the tips of my fingers touch the blue I am pulled into the train and am now floating in the train. I wonder where I am supposed to get off the train. I close my eyes and reach out my hand to the left of me. I feel a hand grasp mine and I immediately stop. I open my eyes. I am standing on a dirt path with open Fields all around me. Grandma Bertha is standing in front of me smiling. There is a wooden cabin a ways behind her.
"Rachel you are here. You arrived sooner than I thought you would. I figured it would take you a few days."
"Yes I am here. I should have been here yesterday." I say with a chuckle.
Grandma Bertha turns away and starts walking towards the cabin. There are two rocking chairs on the porch. We walk up the stairs and we both take a seat in the rockers.
"Why am I here, Grandma?" I ask.
"I need to be sure you are listening my dear."
"Listening to what?" I ask.
"Listening to your mother, me, Roger, and Heartsong."
"Ok, what am I supposed to be hearing?"
"Let us take a moment to reflect, shall we?" says Grandma Bertha.
"Sure." I reply.
"42 years, 6 cycles. To be completed in October. Circles within other circles. 7 years of writing, which you saw and noted. what other cycles can you think of my dear?"
"Umm, 6 years since I moved, 3 years since mom died. She would be 80 this year. Um I don't know, I can't think of others. Why?" I ask.
"Well my dear it is important to know the past circles to better see the future circles. You have many goals, and some require bigger circles than others. They cannot all follow the same timelines. It is important to see where the lines cross. you also have many gardens to tend, my dear. Things do not grow without time and energy."
"Ok, Grandma, I hear you, but which things are circles and what things are gardening?"
"The earth and the stars are able to be seen and felt at the same time by everyone." Grandma Bertha says.
"Ugh ok, I know that I have not been active enough in *doing stuff* around the house, with the kids. Is this what you are talking about?"
Grandma Bertha sighs. "My dear I am not angry with you. Please know we are here to help you."
"How can you help?"" I ask.
"Ahh, that is why we are here my dear.
Every morning you can come here and chat with me. we can figure out what needs to be done, And I will offer ways I can help. It will be you who decides if it is helpful or not. Check in with Roger at night if that helps. He will also offer suggestions and ways he can help. In your mind you can see it, now you must physically create it. all of it. it will heal your soul. your soul does not heal first. It is in the action that you find peace. Not before or after. But you must see and understand the circles, and tend the garden."
"It feels like a lot Grandma. I need to learn more and more and earn more and more, It is never enough." I say dejectedly.
"It is you that deserves more my dear. and while it often feels empty to be the one providing your own needs it is important to know that you already know your worth. and you know you can, and will do more. Your soul deserves to feel the love of being seen and heard."
"Remember the healing is in all of the action. not just the thoughts. I will leave you to enjoy the view and rest for a little. Please come see me tomorrow."
I watch Grandma Bertha get up and walk off the porch and disappear into the sunlight. I close my eyes and feel the warm sun and breeze blow over me. It is so quiet out here.
I get it. The part of me that refuses to move, refuses to create action is afraid. I don't know what of at this point. Maybe change. I sit back into the rocker and gently rock back and forth. Happy to not be sitting in fear at the moment. Is change that scary? Is my fear of failure that strong? my lack of trust to be able to re-create the small success I have created? I feel like it took me 40 years to get here at this moment, and I don't have another 40 years to re-create exactly this. The weight of failing to create security for my kids leaves me with sheer panic. Anything to not jeopardize the current security they have right now. The feeling of being selfish for wanting more, for thinking beyond the kiddos. This feeling leaves me frozen unable to do anything. even the things I need to keep my physical and mental health good. Thinking out loud I say to myself, "I will try to draw out the circles and see what comes up."
NEXT DAY
Let me go find grandma Bertha and talk to her.
I swing the door open and trot down the stairs. Fling the heavy door open and step onto the train platform. The train arrives quickly. I confidently stick my hand out in front of me, and step into the train. I take a deep breath and hold my hand out to my side. Still unsure where I am supposed to find Grandma Bertha. I feel her hand and I am pulled from the train. We are back at her wooden cabin. Sunny quiet, peaceful.
"Hi Grandma, I did what you asked. I made some circle diagrams. can we talk about them?"
Grandma Bertha laughs, "of course! Let us go sit down first." We walk up the porch and I sit in the same rocker as yesterday.
"Tell me more about your drawings my dear."
"Ok will I drew out the time lines that I could think of. and I found patterns in the 5s and 7s."
"Were you able to extend any into the future? Not really only the LVN one that looks like it will be 2 cycles instead of 1."
"Tell me dear, if you could know anything from the future, what would it be?"
"Ummm, lotto numbers?"
"What else my dear?"
"Will I feel happy?, Will I fall in love? will I ever do investigative work?, Will I have the financial success I dream of? Will I lose weight? Will I finish my house? Will I move to Italy, or somewhere else?"
Grandma Bertha sat silent for awhile as thoughts and judgments whirled around in my head.
She turned to me and finally said: "Yes my dear IF those are your true desires. Let us work through them.
1st: Feel happy..of course. your soul is starting to lighten the load and the actions are going to light it more.
2nd: yes when you are ready, when he is ready. When? I do not know at this time. We can chat about this particular one in a separate time.
3rd: There is nothing stopping you but energy, distraction, and action. two of those will create the third.
4th: we shall see. The actions are important. CAN you? Yes. The dreams of what that looks like should be harnessed, noted and then realized.
5th: Yes, again the actions are there. We will get there. I see you heard all of my and Rogers promptings this morning.
6th: of course. This takes time and....action my dear. And money of course. Focus on the steps, you are doing great.
7th: You will live in all the places that you dream of. Even if only for 6 months. 1 year. regardless of financial "success". No fretting. You will have this.
How can I help you today? On this day my dear?"
"Can you ask my mom how she is? I cant see her or hear her. I miss her deeply, and want to feel like she is close when I know she isn't."
"Your mother is well. She is healing from the life and cross over. She is wanting to connect, but is still very quiet. She also understands the duality of you and your sister. You want to connect and not have it seen or heard by your sister. Her intuition is strong and she connects beyond a level of most. We will need to revisit this later my dear. Please spend a little time with Roger today to help with the weekend."
I look over and Grandma Bertha is already disappeared from the rocking chair. I stand up and am instantly sitting in my living room again.
After talking to Grandma, I realized that I have felt abandoned yet again by mom even in death. I had thought I would feel her close to me, and if anyone was going to appear it would be her. I am angry that I haven't felt her.
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