In This Lifetime

In this lifetime. I am starting to believe and maybe the word should be understand that in this lifetime I am here as a supporting role to many others. I walk towards passions and formative positions, and I feel like the forces of nature are holding me back. I tell myself: I will do this in my next lifetime. Not enough time in this one to do everything. Ultimately I have been there/here to provide support to those around me. As I write these words down, it feels like it echos selfishness. Do I really play a big enough role in people's lives to change the outcome if thier lifetime, simply by being a part of their life? Is it an excuse for feeling inadequate in my own pursuits? As an example: I see thousands of people donating thier time to volunteer for #BernieSanders. They are phonebanking and canvassing and getting out there in front of people. They are making connections and putting in that physical and mental energy. Another example: My exercise challenge group on Facebook. They post every day. They find the time to exercise and food prep and say no to self sabotage. How are all these people doing it? Where are they finding the energy? Where did mine go?
The dreams of my past still haunt me. I can't seem to shake the regret and the frustration of not pursuing my career dreams. I guess I did try, but the obstacles were overwhelming. I think if I tell myself that I am not here to make waves, but simply help others through thiers; it softens the blow. I had always dreamed of making waves. I thought I would find serial killers and that I would be rich;  my money would help lift thousands of people up to a better level. I dreamed that my way of redistributing wealth would be met simultaneously with backlash and applaud. I dreamed I would buy land for native American tribes, and help provide homes to abused women. I dreamed I would find people who had been missing using my specially trained dogs. I dreamed I would help others reach thier dreams; especially when the only obstacle was money. I dreamed I would help my parents, give them a chance to experience the fruition of thier dreams. They wanted to travel around in a big RV. My mom wanted me to publicize her book. She dreamed of being a famous author, with 12 books in her series and her life story would be world renowned.
Am I not happy where I am now? I certainly have not accomplished any of the above, nor am I on the way down that path. I have nothing to help my parents financially. It is not that I am unhappy; I simply imagined that my life and the events that flow through it would be wider reaching. Luckily I have my boys in this lifetime. If I had accomplished becoming an FBI agent I would not have had kids.
I guess the rest of it I can put a pin in and make it happen in my next lifetime.

Depression

Depression is an interesting thing. There are lots of schools of thought on what the basis for it, cures, meds what to do, how to fight it. I can tell you this It is real. IT feels like like a cold snake like hand raeches into your soul and pulls. The voice is louder than your own. Your dreams and aspirations seem to fall away. The causes for my depression are I believe to be man made. An unfortunate turn of choices and successions that have led me down this dark path. I question whether I can pull myself out of this all on my own. Who would I ask for help if I asked? Where does my battle begin, When? How will I know if I'm winning? here is what I do know My relationship with my boyfriend, my kids dad will ultimately end. The path down into this darkness has been paved with attempts to please him, and being manipulated into believing that it was my failure that was hindering his happiness. HE led me to believe that I was truly the narcissistic, selfish one. The words cut deep and  I questioned and analysed and attempted to change my ways to please him. I feared his leaving me not because I need him or even because I love him, but simply because I want my family to be together. I want my boys to know their dad and to love him. My boyfriend is a great dad. He helps with homework and wrestles and jokes and watches movies with the boys. He plays in the pool for hours longer than I would want to. I am happy with the direction my kids and their dads relationship has gone. It would not have happened if I had not "worked things out" with him. He has many great parts to him. That is what is most difficult with mental abuse, narcissism and depression. It requires you to stand up to something intangible. concepts are hard to fight against. You feel like you are fighting with someone about religion or politics. Their side makes sense to them and they just don't care what you say. Just like a disagreement on politics you try to find other common ground areas and stick with those. The ugly part is when the other person is fighting with you they are telling you that YOU are not ok and you need to change so that you will fit into their description of what makes sense. The last three years have been paved with many predictable cycles of: me not living up to his standard; him giving me the silent treatment; him being out right rude, mean or condescending; me getting frustrated with being given the cold shoulder/asshole behavior; me forcing to come ro a head by asking repeatedly what is wrong and can I help make it better; to us having a fight where he lists off my failures in his eyes, what I do wrong, how awful  I make him feel, what I need to change about myself, what I need to do to make him feel better; followed by the threat of him cheating or leaving me if  I don't live up to his expectations. Moving forward all I now is I need to regain my fopting on who I am

In The Heart of Me

Motivation: The drive to do something that comes from within. Lack of motivation is a major complaint about ourselves in a variety of aspects in life, from exercise to learning, to cleaning house. How do you or I overcome this lack of motivation. I think that there are different emotions that drive motivation or lack thereof. My lack of motivation to clean my house for instance stems from 2 things. 1 I am not happy in my life situation I feel stuck and and mentally exhausted. I also have been feeling like I shouldn't bother trying to do things because it is simply not I am simply not worth the effort. These words are difficult to type let alone acknowledge. I remember feeling at one point in time that my life was on the edge of excitement and new things and to be prepared for those things I worked really hard to ensure that the house was clean, My hair and makeup were done. Food was cooked. structure was in place. Now I look around  and feel like nobody cares. Nobody cares if I care. Is is worth it to do this? What is the point? I wish I could could rekindle that spark. That spark that lights up the corners of your world and makes you feel like you don't want it to go dark again. How do I get that back again? Where did it go? Why did it leave?What do I need to do to get it back? I need to figure out what got lost and created this void. I guess a part of it was when I was single I dreamed that I would meet a man that would love me and appreciate my efforts to keep my home clean and my children on a healthy schedule. The man I am just doesn't. I was alone with my boys when I did really well. I knew I needed to do everything because it was just me. now that I share my home I expect an equal partner to help with the tasks of the house. Unfortunately The man I am with feels he should do nothing and the things he is forced to do should be paid back, or he collects an imaginary coin of debt for every task he completes. But the tasks I do don't count. There is no option to collect a coin of debt. In fact all of the work that I do in his mind is not work so I do nothing. I have tried hard not to fall into the path of believing him. But the opposition is strong. If I cook dinner every night and wash the dishes every day and then ask him to vacuum or help with kids I am told that I do nothing, I start to question whether what I  am doing is actually nothing. What happens if I don't do it anymore? Nothing happens. No one says that was really great hen you used to do that. Nobody says anything. Even the man who complained that  I did nothing says nothing. It drives home my feeling that what I was doing didn't really matter to anyone. The interesting thing is before he got here the motivation was an unknown force ..the idea of being appreciated for this act in the future by some unknown person was powerful enough to motivate me. And ultimately I felt good about me. Now I feel worthless. I have let someone else's judgement of me change my perception of myself. When I wake up tomorrow morning how do I tell my self that  I count regardless of what anyone thinks. What do I say to convince myself of this? How should I feel when I am done doing something?

Lyrics to the song "Find Me"

It getting cold outside, My soul is getting tired it doesn't want to fight.
I was left right here to die, the man of my dreams, turned worst enemy
I've been waiting here for someone to find me, my soul is aching to be free
but it doesn't want to leave me
What if no one ever finds me
I'm just sitting here, sitting at the base of this tree
Can anybody hear me I'm screaming for someone to find me

Its getting cold outside, My head is hurting and I want to cry
but  I already died, My soul has stayed with me
Will anybody ever find me?
I'm right here sitting under this tree

I don't remember getting here
I can feel my fear
This man he came for me he thought that killing me
would set him free
I tried to fight him off I could feel the life leaving me
My soul I begged and pleaded please don't leave me
If someone finds me my soul can run free
but for now we are tied right here to this tree

Its getting cold outside, my head is hurting and I want to die
But all I knew in life slipped away from me that night
My soul is here with me
will anybody ever find me?
I'm right here sitting under this tree

The layer beneath the fat

Warning Graphic language and content



As a preface to this story I want to say I am not a professional writer by any means. Nor do I have the answers to the questions I am posing. I even struggle to write the words I am typing. Not because they are not floating through my head, but because I question the validity of them. I question the worth they carry. As though my own words need not be spoken until they are felt to be worthwhile by someone else. The result leaves me frozen in silence. My heart aching and my mind screaming at me. I stare at the keyboard, trying to convince myself that my words are worth writing. How have I reached a point of such unassuredness? Part of me wants to blame it on my boyfriend. A good man, but maybe not a good man for me. It is difficult to love a self described narcissist. The mind games stretch for months even years. They are hard to separate from real emotions and thoughts. He has worn me down until I am feeling threadbare. I have been held to an unmeetable standard. We have the same fights. I say nothing.  My underlying fear of him takes over my senses. I have done everything I can to please him. and ultimately (as for most males) it is about sex. He tells me it is my job to make him happy and I am failing him. He says he makes coffee for me every morning and for that "loving" act he feels I owe him sex. I have been reduced to the same value as a cup of fucking coffee. We do have sex, and as the fights continue, the sex decreases. Why are we not married you ask? Well apparently I don't spread my legs on demand. And thus I am not worth it. After the fight and after I tell him that his words make me feel as though my value to him is counted by how frequently I spread my legs; he is mad at me. It is thrown in my face and I am tricked into feeling bad for feeling bad. It is a fucking shit show. My self worth is what is threadbare. I struggle to find value in anything  I do. I ache inside. I want my children to understand my value and I have become so threadbare that I don't believe they find value in me either. I spent the entire 1st year with my boyfriend living with me cooking and cleaning and buying him things and planning dates, and all I got were to go rounds with him about how I need to do more. I need to clean more I need to be nicer to him, I need to trust him and not question him when he goes out; and of course I need to make myself more available to him and on top of that I need to initiate sex more often. I have stopped cooking. I have stopped buying him stuff, I have stopped planning date nights with him. and I have now closed my legs. My body is mine to share as I see fit. And anybody who tells me otherwise can go fuck themselves. I am never going to make him happy. He can do that his damn self. I will also never marry him or anyone who tells me that "best believe you will provide your wifely duty whether you want to or not". I have more value than that. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to be loved by someone who loves you for your compassion for human life, your ability to work hard and overcome major obstacles. To always find the good in any bad situation. To be loved for your sense of humor, your love of reading and educating yourself. It doesn't matter. I tell myself. I love me for those things. at least I think I do. I have value. I have to keep repeating this to myself. I can't really trust it. My heart is lonesome. One of the  things I struggle with is my weight. I am not huge, but heavier than what I want. I was told if I make time for me to work out than I have no excuse to not make time to have sex. I think I should value my own time more than that. What if I don't want to have sex after I work out? Am I just being selfish? I did though for eight weeks. I worked out every day. I came home and we had sex almost every time. Even when I didn't really want to. The result? I felt dirty and used.  I stopped working out, we stopped having as frequent of sex, and the mind game kicked in. He became quiet, rude, withdrawn. He refused to speak more than a word or two to me in any given day for weeks. He has done this before it is nothing new. It is exhausting though. Trying to stay mentally even keeled when faced with such opposition is difficult at best. I want to be strong, healthy and happy. Beneath the layer of fat is my threadbare self worth struggling to stay intact.