The Old Lady Part 2

It was a crisp cool day in November. The sun was shining, but the air was cold and biting. The leaves that remained on the branches, still clinging to Autumn, were almost all turned yellow and red, but they were still there on the tree limbs. I was walking down the sidewalk on  a quiet street lined with trees and townhomes, headed into town for lunch.
I saw an elderly woman walking slowly up ahead of me a ways. I drifted off into thought for a few minutes.
I came back to reality as I got closer to the old woman. I did not want to startle her so I slowed my pace a little bit. She was carrying a blue reusable grocery bag, and a little brown purse in the crook of her right elbow. She wore a nice navy blue peacoat and white pants. I continued my slow pace behind her. As we approached the next grouping of townhomes, I looked up at them. They were brown with small windows upstairs and down. There was a little porch for each one, and a small concrete walkway that cut straight to the sidewalk. As we approached the first walkway the old lady turned and shuffled onto the concrete walkway. She glanced up towards me and made eye contact with me. I guess she could hear me behind her.
All of the sudden she let out a loud cry!
AHHH!.
OWW!
She gripped her elbow, and held it tight against her. She looked up at me as I trotted up to her. "What happened?" I asked....trying to assess the situation.
"Oh my elbow, it slipped out of socket!" She said. She moved her hand away from her elbow. Even through the thick blue peacoat, I could see the arm extend a little too far down at the bend of her elbow.
"Let me help you with your bags." I said.
She let me gently pull her bags off her arm. She shuffled up the step to her door, and with her left hand she fished around in her pocket and found her house keys. She got the door open and we stepped inside.
It was a small place. The entrance to the stairs was right in front of me. To my left was two closed doors and to my right was the living room. The old lady shuffled into the living room past the couch to the chair that was already pulled out at the table. There was an old man on the couch. He was dressed in a suit and his head was resting on a pillow on the arm of the couch. He had a black hat on and it was pulled down over his eyes.
"You just put those bags on the floor there."
She pointed to kitchen floor just around the corner of the room. I walked the bags over, trying to be quiet for her napping husband.
I turned toward her and said "do you want me to call an ambulance for you?"
She shook her her head, no. "If you could just help me get my coat off, that will do just fine."
I walked up to her with my back to the old man asleep on the couch. I was helping her stand up from her chair, when I felt something behind me. I turned around and the old man was standing behind me; towering over me by a solid foot. I gasped and started to apologize for waking him, when I realized he was not old. I stared at him for a few seconds as my thoughts started to process what was happening, and the fear started to rise in my throat.
My mind started to race through a million thoughts trying to reason with myself and calm the panic I was starting to feel. I continued to stare at him, unsure of what to say. My mouth was dry, I could feel my fingertips tingling with fear.
"I...I.........I am s..sorry I woke you up" I stammered. My voice cracking a little as I tried to get the words out.
He said nothing. He didn't move. He was standing so close to me I could feel the exhales of his breath through his nose. His eyes were still, and cold, his face was emotionless.
I tried to step back and felt my leg hit the chair behind me. I finally remembered the old lady and slowly turned to look at her.
She was still old. She stood there with a slight smirk in her face, at least I think it was a smirk. She was still holding her elbow as if it hurt, but she didn't say anything.
"Is this your son?" I asked. My voice shaking a little. "What is going on?" "I should get going." The words were tumbling out of my mouth as a sinking realization started to wash over me.
I look at the man, then back to the old lady. I see the flash of the knife in the man's hand. I felt the knife sink into my gut.

I step aside and look at me standing there. This is how that life ended. I had wondered if the answers were in the moments leading up to my death, or if I would have to work backwards from here. I took another step away from the man. I am happy he can't see me this time. I watch my body slump to the floor. I write down a few notes in my notebook.
I step out of the townhouse. I take a deep breath. I hated the cold air for lifetimes after this. I hated to shiver, as if that was what led me inside the townhouse. I start to walk back up the  street. The portal to the next life I am studying is ready.

THE REST OF THE STORY

 I stood there for  awhile staring down at my body lying on the floor. I tried hard to move my fingers and toes. I felt like I was breathing yet it was effortless. But I could not get myself back to being on the floor. I watched the man wrap my body up in a tarp and carry me out of the room. I watched him carry me down the stairs to his basement. I started to feel more panic as I start to realize I might not connect to my body again. This might be it. I I start to float higher like a hot air balloon. I start yelling and kicking and screaming and grabbing at the air. Nothing happens. No sounds, no sensations besides my fear anger, and sadness. I scream and cry until I just can't anymore. I must fall asleep as I am floating, because when I wake up I am in a room with a movie theater size TV. 

The first person I see, I walk up to and ask, "can you hear me?" 

He turns to me and says "yes of course. Welcome to the other side of the veil. How are you feeling?"

"Like shit" I reply. "How do I get back to ....earth?" as I motion toward the screen. 

"Oh that takes a little time. There is the planning room down the hall."

"I don't want to plan, I want to go back to the one I was just at." I reply. 

"Oh, he says quietly . you can't, you died. Your body died." 

"But what if I am never found? I have to stay connected somehow. I need to be sure my parents know what happened to me. Its not fair, I need to tell them."

"The communication area in down the hall, but good luck its REALLY loud on earth. Nobody hears anything down there." The person says.

I take a deep breath and walk down the hall. I see a sign that says communication center, I push the double doors open. And the room seems infinite. I can't see the end of the room nor the sides. The room is full of people, screens and keyboards clacking. There is someone standing by the doorway. I walk up to them, and say "I need to get a message to my parents. apparently I died on earth and I need to make sure my body is found so my parents will be ok. Can you help me?"

"Of course" the person replies. He walks us down a path between the computer stations until we reach an empty one. "Ok how to I use this?" I ask. 

"Well you find the person you want to send a message to and then you use different things around them to send them a message. If you need to search for person you don't know, you can ask here in this section. Good luck, people there can't hear much." "Yeah, I heard that already." I say. 

I sit down and type in Mom. I zoom in and can see my mom and dad sitting on their couch. They don't know I am gone yet. ugh. Ok, how to I tell my parents I am dead? 

I start typing into the communication box: mom, can you hear me? I hit the enter button and wait. I don't really know what I am waiting for. My mom picks up her phone and looks at it. "She hasn't called yet tonight, I'm surprised." she says to my dad. He shrugs and says "well she is probably working or hanging out with friends. You can't expect her to call every day."

"I know" she says with a sigh and puts down her phone. I type in the box: call me and hit enter. I wait for my mom to respond. nothing. Mom, call me. I type and hit enter. I wait again. My mom picks up her phone. "I'm just gonna text her." She types a message to me. Somehow I am able to zoom in and read it. Hi its mom, just checking in. love you. She hits send. I see the image zoom to my phone. Its sitting on the table in the house I just died in. I feel cold and sick to my stomach. I see the man pick up the phone. He must have unlocked it with my fingerprint. I see him start to respond to the message. 

"NOOOOO!!! STOP!!!! "I scream at the screen.

 Love you too mom, im super tired tonight, just chilling in bed. He hits send on the message. My moms phone dings. She picks it up and reads it. She smiles and says "oh honey you were right, she is at home." I start typing furiously into the communication box. Mom that wasn't me that was someone else. I never go to bed right now. I didn't put a heart emoji at the end of my sentence you have to know that's not me MOMMM!! you have to listen to me! I hit enter on the keyboard and wait. and wait, and wait. Nothing. My mom and dad get up and go to bed after the movie they are watching. Ok think think think. Who else can I tell. Ooh my friend jessica. I type in her name and she appears on the screen. Jessica can you hear me? I type and hit enter. She is at dinner with friends from work. nothing. I hear static. Ok this isnt working. I get up and go back to the person at the entrance.

 "I can't get anyone to hear me. What do I do now?" I ask. 

"Well you can wait until morning and try again." 

"OK do I need to go sleep or eat or something?" I ask. 

"No" the person laughs. "you just scroll the timeline. you can move it back and forth. Its not linear here."

 I went and sat back down at the screen. I had the next few days off from work so there would not be any red flag there. My main hope was my mom. I typed into the box: mom can you hear me? I died, I need you to find me. I hit enter. The words swirled around on the screen and turned into what seemed like random images. This must be my mom's dream. It's me driving in a car telling her I'm dead. in the dream she is crying. Fingers crossed she understands the message. I roll fast forward on the timeline to morning. She gets up and looks at her phone. she looks again at the message from my phone. Good morning, can you call me? she texts and hits send. She turns to my dad and tells him she had a bad dream and doesn't feel good. He gets up and says he will grab her some coffee. The man who killed me turned off my phone. The message to me stayed on delivered. Mom went to work. I typed messages to her all day. Just static responses. As she left work she opened her cell and called me. The phone went straight to voicemail. The static stopped. I started typing again. Mom please check on me. Go to my house. She called my dad and said she was going to run some errands before heading home. Instead, she drove to my house. I can't tell if she heard me or not. I see her calling the police. Everything seems to move a little faster. they search the house. the officer takes notes. I fast forward through a few days. The Detective seems to be on the right path to finding me. He keeps driving past the house I died in. I just need to figure out how to tell him. I seemed to get my mom to understand. She keeps telling the detective I didn't run away, didn't do drugs, and that I must be held captive in a house somewhere. 

I zoom in on the detective. He is studying the case file. I start typing Hi can you hear me? It's me, the person you are currently looking for. I'm in a house. I hit enter and wait to see if he can hear me. There is no static, so I am hoping he can. The person that helped me with the computer walks up behind me.

 "You know you can click on items in and around the person you are trying to communicate with and use those if they have energy flowing through them."

"Oh like the TV?" I ask. "Yes." he says. 

I click on the TV. I type in the box: I'm in a house. Can you hear me? The next commercial is a hearing aid commercial with a man in front of a house that has the same colors as the one I died in. I start to get excited as he stares at the TV. Maybe he gets it! I think. He grabs his phone and opens his texts. He starts typing Hey! we should get a house soon, I just saw a commercial that reminded me that  I wanted to tell you that. He hits send and puts his phone down. I heave a deep sigh and turn to the person helping me. 

"Is all communication this hard?"

The person nods. "Yes, it can be challenging until you find someone who truly hears. Keep trying, maybe some of the message will get through."

 I spend the next week, then month, then three months typing messages to the detective. I tried to give him the address, I showed him the color of the house, I sent basement images. He noticed everything yet didn't put anything together. I even got clear tarps to fall in front of him at Home Depot. The address was on every license plate, the cost of gas. My mom seemed to have heard me and kept insisting I was inside someone's home. He even pulled over IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE I DIED IN to respond to my mom's text. I watch in anguish as the direction of my parent's lives shift completely. 

I sit back in my chair and think. It's been months since I left. No one is understanding the messages. It's like charades and pictionary together with a wall in between the players. Who else can I try? I think back to my time on earth. I snap my fingers. John Edwards! I type his name in. Meeting room 4 is the message that pops up on my screen. The person from the door way comes over to me. "Follow me" the person says. I get up and we walk through a door that didn't seem to be there a few minutes ago. There are hundreds of people in the room. There are seats but people are milling around.

 "What is this?" I ask. 

"Everyone hopes to get a message through. People like John Edwards tune in and everyone starts typing at once. If the person they are connected to on earth is near to him their message gets bolded. He can hear it better." The person explains. "Ugh, ok so if the detective or my mom isn't seeking him out he probably won't hear me." I say dejectedly. "Unfortunately yes," the person responds. "Are all of them like this?" I ask. "The big psychics. Yes." The person replies. 

"Have you tried spirit guides yet? sometimes they are more successful."

"No" I reply. "What's a spirit guide and where are they?" 

"Follow me" the person says. We walk through the room and exit into another large open area. It looks like a bunch of starbucks lounge areas, with groups of people at each one. Some of them only have 2-3 people some have 6-7 people. There is what looks like a hostess stand in front of us. The person motions to come over to it. "Here is where you can look up the group. Let's type in Mom and hit enter." The person explains. The group in front of us seems to morph into a different group. "This is your mom's spirit guides."

 I walk up to them. "Can you get a clear message to my mom?" I ask. "We can try. What is the message?" One of them asks. "I can be found at 628 Jefferson street in the basement." I reply. 

"Oooooooh That's tough." one of the group says. "Super clear details are very hard to get through. We can get the 6 and Jefferson but the rest gets lost. We will try though."

"Ok, thank you." I reply. I walk back to the hostess stand and type in the detectives name. I watch as the groups blend and change until the group in front of me is clear. I walk up the new group and ask, if they are the spirit guides for the detective. "Yes ma'am" they reply in unison. "Can you get him a message?" I ask. They all break out in hearty laughter, "Have you met this man?" one of them asks. 

"No, I have only seen him through the veil." I reply. 

"We have been trying to give him guidance on your case. so far, no luck."

"Do all of his cases ask for help?" I ask. 

"No, some are happy to cut ties and move on. Some give up, some have other things that weigh heavier on them to communicate with the otherside. We have a few. We keep their case files here and when we feel like there might be a chance he will hear us, we open the file and pull them to us." 

"Can I leave a case file with you?" I ask. "Yes ma'am. Just touch the corner of the table here and it will be here." I reach over and touch the corner and sure enough a grey case file appears on the table. 

I turn to the Helper. "What about a broad search of people that might be able to hear me that know either my mom or the detective? Can I find them and send a message?" The person points back to the desk I was at. "Just zoom out. It will show you if anyone near them can hear you."

 I go and sit back down. It feels like it has been a whole year of trying to get people to hear me but it has only been a few days as far as I can tell. On earth it has now been 6 months. I continue to send messages and practice different ways to get my message across. I try everyone I can think of, and everyone that they know. It all ends up garbled, ignored or mistranslated. I wish I could just step through the veil and write a note. Would they even believe what they saw? 

I need a break. I get up and before I can step away from my desk the Helper is next to me. Come with me the person says. We walk through the big conference room to the other side where the spirit guides gather. We step in and stand in front of the hostess station. "What are we doing here?" I ask. "I am tired and ready to give up. It might be time. I left my case file with the detective and I have done everything I can to get through to my mom."

 The person turns to me. "You can always leave an impression here and move on. But it is not as strong of a signal when there is communication."

 "OK" I sigh. 

"There are people who work on cases outside of the detective and there are people that can hear their spirit guides better than others. This group here is the spirit guides for someone named Rachel. This is Roger. he communicates most frequently with her."

 I walk up to him. "Roger, you are able to talk with someone on earth?" I ask a little incredulously. "How? they don't understand anything."

 Roger laughs "that is true." He says with a strong italian accent. "I don't know how Raquelle understands me but she does. She ignores me on purpose, often, but can still hear me when she chooses."

" Can you tell her to find me?" I ask. 

"I can." Roger replies. "She will not be able to find you immediately. She is working on opening up the channels needed to be able to execute missing person searches properly."

 "What does she need?" I ask. "How long until she is ready? Why can't you just tell her my name?" I ask. "What is your name?" Roger asks. 

"I'm......um, my name is....." I turn to the helper. "Why can't I remember my own name?" I gasp. "I am...me. I am .....fuck how do I not remember?"

 I turn to Roger and ask "How will you know when she sees my case?"

" Oh I have a map" says Roger. "It will send a signal. I will call you as soon as she looks at it."

 "Has she found anyone yet?" I ask.

 "Wellll, so the problem is I have been prodding Raquelle to start looking for people her whole life, but things came up and we are back on track. She has reviewed and studied many cases. There is an entire room full of people that are awaiting her skills to be utilized."

 "What is she doing now? Can I talk to her?" I ask. "Do I need to go to my computer to speak with her?"

 "No" Roger replies. "She can hear you now. She is driving. and listening."

 "Tell her I am waiting for her to find me, so I can be set free."

 "She heard you" Roger replied. 

I sit down and take a deep breath. I guess now I wait. 

Meeting Of the Minds

I sit down at my kitchen table and take a deep breath. I have so many things I need to be doing and instead I am panicking about meeting with a group of Deities that I have called upon to help me with this 7 month container. I look up and look at the sliding glass door leading outside to my backyard. I close my eyes and open them again. It has become a solid white door. I look across the table and my spirit guide is now sitting across from me. He motions to the door without saying anything. 

I get up and walk to the door and open it. I step into the darkened warehouse. The light above the conference table is bright. I go to the chair at the end of the table and sit down. I look down at the papers I have brought with me. I look up and all of the Deities are now sitting at the table. I gasp and jump back in my chair. 

The Dagda raises his hand in a little wave. "We move quietly and swiftly, pardon the surprise. You have something in your hand?"

"Yes, I printed the plan for the container so you could better understand and hopefully explain to me how you all can help and support me during this 7 month journey."

"Please read for us." He says.

"Ok, so there are 4 Pillars. Shadow Work, Witnessing, community, leveraged commitment.

The energy dynamics focus is Intentional Action, Consistent vulnerability, Power-with Boundaries, Finance/emotion/time commitment, Ceremonies/Rituals, Generous gratitude action.

The shadow work: "A willingness to open my heart, inviting deities and cohorts as peers, into the heart space. Seeking their support as witnesses and guides, as we call up our old stories, fears, wounds, and the death-life-death journey of the old."

You are the Deities." I stop talking at this point and put the papers back on the table.

All 9 of the OGs, and GOATs stand up.

The Dagda speaks again. "We are doing ....Shadow work. Are you ready for this next step?" He does a "come here" hand motion towards the door.

Roger my spirit guide steps into the warehouse, and walks up to the conference table.

The Dagda turns to Roger and asks: "She decerns you clearly?"

"Yes she hears me clearly. and does well with separating her internal dialogue and myself."

The Dagda nods. "Very well. Thank you."

"These meetings will need to be done while you are alone moving forward."

He sits back down as does everyone else.

There are the golden goblets in front of each of us.

Hygieia speaks first - "The Depth and importance of self care. What we learned at 12 we will learn again."

Erebus speaks next. - "The Fears will rise, your understanding of your past lives helps greatly. "

Itspapalotl raises her goblet- "The dead shall speak."

Aine places her hand on her goblet- "The gratitude is in the details, we will find them."

Ganesh picks up his goblet- "Its luck when you can't hear the whispers. You must silence the mind."

Soteria leans forward in her chair, and clasps both hands around her goblet, but stays silent.

Euphorsyne picks up her goblet- "Finding joy underneath the darkness. Tulips in the snow."

The Dagda touches his goblet-him and Soteria look at each other. He looks back at me.

Soteria speaks up- "I will guide the protection."

The Dagda joins in- "And I am your accountability. We will meet more often than your sister wrote in the plan. We must see progress. We will let you work with your spirit guides to see clearly the goals to be reached by the end of the container."

With a blink of my eyes they were gone. It was just Roger and I at the conference table. We both got up and walked quietly through the door, back to my kitchen. Another deep sigh as I sit back down at the table.

I turn to Roger, "why didn't Caishen say anything?" I ask.

"He did", Roger replied. "You have some work to do in this area. He held up his goblet and said -Moving the stones of desire and fear open the creekbed to the flow of wealth and water.

You couldn't hear him." Roger says.

Meeting with OGs and GOATs

 I sit down at a kitchen table with Roger. 

"How does this work? where do I go for this meeting?" I ask. 

"There is a conference room. In your mind, that is a common meeting ground. Its through the door." He points to a door along the back wall that I thought went outside. 

"Do you come with me?" I ask.

"I am here," he points to his temple. "and I am here." he points to the chair. 

I take a deep breath and look down to see what I'm wearing. Its a grey business suit. with a pink blouse..lol

I open the door and step through the doorway. The door shuts behind me. I can see the floor, it is shiny with a single light over the conference table to the right of me. It is too dark to see the walls or see how big the room is.

I walk over to the conference table. It is oval with 4 chairs on either side and 1 chair at each end. 

I go and stand at the closest end of the table to me. 

I hear the thunder of horse hoofs coming towards me. A dark horse with a skeleton wearing a black cape, rides up to me. As the horse and skeleton rider stop, there is a swarm of black and purple butterflies that catch up to the rider. I see a few pink butterflies floating around too. 

"I am Itspapalotl." The skeleton woman says. "I shall have a seat as we await the arrival of the others."

Another horse gallops up. this one has no rider and the horse is a deep red. The horse turns into a woman with long red hair. 

"I am Aine." She says. She look to the Skeleton woman and nods, and takes a seat next to her. 

I hear an elephant bellow loudly but I don't see an elephant. A man walks out of the shadows. He is wearing a grey suit and a green shirt underneath the jacket. 

"Hello all, I am Ganesh." He nods towards me and the women, already seated. 

Three women walk out of the darkness together. One is wearing a long white gown, with black hair. 

"I am Euphrosyne" (Eh fro sin ee). 

One is wearing a white pantsuit and has a box of golden wine glasses with a golden snake carved on the stems. 

"I am Hygieia, I have brought a goblet for everyone," she says as she lifts the box of goblets up. 

The third woman is wearing a long purple dress, and has a flower wreath in her brown hair. 

"I am Soteria, It is a pleasure to meet with all of you." 

There is a pause as the three women sit down. In the distance we can hear crows cawing and a loud deep tiger roar. We also hear the sound of a sword dragging along the floor.  

A man steps out of the shadows dragging his large sword. Next to him is a black and gold striped tiger, and there is a swarm of crows flying around them. 

"I am The Dagda" says the man, in a deep booming voice, as he lifts his sword over his back, and slides it into its sheath. 

The black tiger turns into a man. "I am Caishen." He puts his hands to his sides and bows and then takes a seat. 

The crows continue to fly in circles until man appears and the crows disappear. "I am Erebus." 

The man standing before us is wearing all black, with dark skin. He makes a fist and places his arm across his chest and takes a long nod to the people at the table. He then walks over and quietly takes a seat. 

They all shift in their seats and turn towards me. I want to melt into the floor. I don't really know what to say. My throat feels dry. 

"Hi." I finally croak out. I wave to the table feeling like an idiot. "Um, so, thank you for all showing up. I am sure you have a very busy schedule, and to be honest I am surprised you received the invite AND were able to make it to this meeting." I hear a few chuckles coming from the table. 

The Skeleton woman raises her bones hand. "I have a question." 

"Yes, of course, go ahead." I reply. 

 "How can we help?" Skeleton woman says.

"Um, to be honest, at the moment I don't know. I was hoping you would know." I stutter out a reply. 

Skeleton woman laughs. "Well we have our work cut out for us." Everyone at the table laughs. 

"I joke," she says. "We will help you figure this out. Please tell us about this container."

"Ok, well it is a self led course my sister wrote the basics of the plan for, and I am to follow the guidelines." 

"What are your goals for the container?" asks Soteria.

"Well, I had written that I wanted seeds planted in the 12 realms. After my visit with Ginnie, I feel less settled in this." 

"Less settled about the seeds? or what the names of the realms are?" Soteria asks again.

"Um, maybe what the names are, sure. " I say hesitantly. 

"You will start all of the seeds." says Erebus. "They will be fruitful." he nods as he says this.

"I, as I am sure you all know, am struggling with the action part of all the things. The physical manifestation of what I dream, and think about is the hardest. Even as I sit here in front of all of you, I am not taking action." I say with a deep sigh. 

The Dagda stands up. "We are impressed by the group you have gathered here. We feel that the offerings you could provide will be helpful for many souls. These souls check in often for some, less frequent for others, but the ties that wrap around the fingers of earth are threaded through all the lifetimes. We are in a time of turmoil but with greatly heightened love and fortitude." He sits back down.

"There are many ways I can help." says Ganesh. "But my hints and clues are hidden and obscure at times. You will need to seek them out and feel into them. I will, during this container, offer clearer insight."

"We will decide the names of the 12 realms at a later time. we are in agreement there are 12." Says Hygieia. The table nods in agreement. 

"What is the focus within the container? "Asks Hygieia.

"Um, to move into alignment with my soul desire to work in an investigative capacity while providing above and beyond to my family and those around me." I respond.

"But beyond the investigative, is there more?" asks Aine. 

"I thought so." I reply. 

"But again I might need to narrow my scope? I understand what Ginnie was saying that trying to do so much different stuff keeps me away from the goal."

"Where is your soul currently?" asks Caishen.

"Um here with me?" I reply.

"Are you sure?" he asks.

"Well where else could my soul be? I am alive it must be with me. Right?"

"You question your souls location. To not be in alignment is to mean you are not centered with your soul, is it to mean your soul is not present. Is it elsewhere doing what you wish you are doing here on earth? That is not the process of the soul. We will seek different language to help understand alignment, and soul connection." 

"While the seeds are a solid plan, they are, as you have spoken of earlier, non tangible outside the written word." Says Itspapalotl. "We must seek early on tangible measurements of these seeds we are planting." 

"The first most tangible item we would like to see is exercise. It will help clear the mind and allow our words to flow through." 

The Dagda stands again.

"Caishen you will focus on clear language to understand the soul relationship.

Itspapalotl you will stay close and guide. 

Ganesh you will guide with clearer signs.

Erebus, Euphrosyne, Aine, Soteria, and Hygieia- please take some time to align with our next tasks. I will work with Roger and Grandma Bertha to help maintain focus." 

"Wait" I stand up. "Am I supposed to say more? Ask more?" 

"You can" The Dagda says, "but your mind whispered that it did not have more questions."

We shall meet again on Thursday."

I blinked and the table was empty. A black feather floated down and landed on the table. I turn around and walk out of the room. 

The Dreaded Ease of Discomfort

I sat down in front of the TV. Unsolved Mysteries was about to start. Every week Robert Stack would tell the world about another woman who was found dead in the woods, another child dragged from the park into a car, never to be seen again.
"This is it." I thought.
"I'm going to help find these killers."

"I am going to be a Criminal Profiler for the FBI." I announced to no one in particular.

I read every book I could find about serial killers, criminal profiling, I studied psychology, I bought a gun, I went on Ride-ALongs, I dated a guy whose uncle was a serial killer (and in prison). I trained, I ran, I did push-ups, sit-ups, I learned how to fight, how to break a neck, an arm, whatever I needed to.

I was ready.

Next step college. My gateway to freedom, my path to my dream. My downfall.

The first class I took, I failed. Doubt crept in like a thick fog, and settled in to stay.

I took another class, I passed. I took a few more. Time marched on faster than my expectations.

The weight of life pushed down on me. My gateway to freedom started to look like a dark abyss out in front of me.

I looked over and Fear was standing next to me.
"How long have you been standing there?" I asked.
"Long enough" Fear replied.

I am not meant to be an FBI agent, I am not smart enough, fast enough, educated enough. I dont have the right tools, right mindset, right degree.

Fear stood there with a boombox on his shoulder and played this on repeat. It echoed through the fog of doubt, and amplified the dark abyss.

I stood at the crossroads of FBI and anything else. My heart hurt, my soul ached. I took a step towards anything else. I picked up my backpack of Dread. It was almost to heavy to bear. I looked down at my feet. One slow step at a time. Five hundred steps, a thousand.

As I walked through life, life continued to happen. I look behind me as I walk. Fear is next to me, the fog of doubt surrounds me if I pause for too long, the backpack of Dread is heavy. Around my ankles I now have tied to me Regret and Guilt. I dont even remember when they latched on to me. But we have been walking together for many, many miles now.

I am tired. I tell Fear to go away. I yell at him.  I try to run. Dread is too heavy. I try to put the backpack down, but when I stop moving, the fog of Doubt envelopes me. I cant see. All I can hear is Fears boombox on repeat. I start walking again. The comfort of the rhythm. Guilt and Regret dragging along. Fears sounds start to sound normal. The fog becomes comforting like a blanket, and the backpack makes me feel grounded.

Time continues to march on. My expectations lay shattered like glass all around me. I just keep walking.

Lyrics to the song "Find Me"

It getting cold outside, My soul is getting tired it doesn't want to fight.
I was left right here to die, the man of my dreams, turned worst enemy
I've been waiting here for someone to find me, my soul is aching to be free
but it doesn't want to leave me
What if no one ever finds me
I'm just sitting here, sitting at the base of this tree
Can anybody hear me I'm screaming for someone to find me

Its getting cold outside, My head is hurting and I want to cry
but  I already died, My soul has stayed with me
Will anybody ever find me?
I'm right here sitting under this tree

I don't remember getting here
I can feel my fear
This man he came for me he thought that killing me
would set him free
I tried to fight him off I could feel the life leaving me
My soul I begged and pleaded please don't leave me
If someone finds me my soul can run free
but for now we are tied right here to this tree

Its getting cold outside, my head is hurting and I want to die
But all I knew in life slipped away from me that night
My soul is here with me
will anybody ever find me?
I'm right here sitting under this tree

Missing Person File

There are 25000 people missing in California right now. That is a lot of people. When I see posts of Facebook I have a few initial thoughts, Are they truly missing? Or choosing to no longer communicate with their family. When they left did they go willingly? trusting the person they were with did not have evil intentions. Or did they go under duress? Was it a stranger? or someone they knew? Was their disappearance due to an accident? A fall, or a crash? The police simply do not and cannot put resources into finding someone who has disappeared seemingly intentionally, or without any sign of foul play. There are many resources throughout the US that help try to find missing persons. Websites dedicated to listing all of the missing person info and pictures. Search and rescue volunteers that help comb neighborhoods and wooded areas. So why is everyone not found? We have so much information at our fingertips and yet grown men, women and children disappear across our country every day. Where do all of these people go? With the right resources could all of these people be found? With the right search dogs could people be found far from where they disappeared? Is it simply a matter of man power? Or search skills? Available tools? What is missing? Are they being kidnapped and sent to other countries? are their looks changed so much that people no longer recognize them? Are they brainwashed into believing their captors story? What can I do as an ordinary citizen for these people? Some people will simply never be found. They are buried deep in garbage dumps, stuffed in walls of peoples homes, or in basements. Sealed off from the public eye, unable to be reached by anyone but the police. These missing and unidentified people need a voice. Louder than it is right now. Where and how does someone start a search for someone?

The Old Lady

It was a crisp cool day in November. The sun was shining, but the air was cold and biting. The leaves that remained on the branches, still clinging to Autumn, were almost all turned yellow and red, but they were still there on the tree limbs. I was walking down the sidewalk on  a quiet street lined with trees and townhomes, headed into town for lunch.
I saw an elderly woman walking slowly up ahead of me a ways. I drifted off into thought for a few minutes.
I came back to reality as I got closer to the old woman. I did not want to startle her so I slowed my pace a little bit. She was carrying a blue reusable grocery bag, and a little brown purse in the crook of her right elbow. She wore a nice navy blue peacoat and white pants. I continued my slow pace behind her. As we approached the next grouping of townhomes, I looked up at them. They were brown with small windows upstairs and down. There was a little porch for each one, and a small concrete walkway that cut straight to the sidewalk. As we approached the first walkway the old lady turned and shuffled onto the concrete walkway. She glanced up towards me and made eye contact with me. I guess she could hear me behind her.
All of the sudden she let out a loud cry!
AHHH!.
OWW!
She gripped her elbow, and held it tight against her. She looked up at me as I trotted up to her. "What happened?" I asked....trying to assess the situation.
"Oh my elbow, it slipped out of socket!" She said. She moved her hand away from her elbow. Even through the thick blue peacoat, I could see the arm extend a little too far down at the bend of her elbow.
"Let me help you with your bags." I said.
She let me gently pull her bags off her arm. She shuffled up the step to her door, and with her left hand she fished around in her pocket and found her house keys. She got the door open and we stepped inside.
It was a small place. The entrance to the stairs was right in front of me. To my left was two closed doors and to my right was the living room. The old lady shuffled into the living room past the couch to the chair that was already pulled out at the table. There was an old man on the couch. He was dressed in a suit and his head was resting on a pillow on the arm of the couch. He had a black hat on and it was pulled down over his eyes.
"You just put those bags on the floor there."
She pointed to kitchen floor just around the corner of the room. I walked the bags over, trying to be quiet for her napping husband.
I turned toward her and said "do you want me to call an ambulance for you?"
She shook her her head, no. "If you could just help me get my coat off, that will do just fine."
I walked up to her with my back to the old man asleep on the couch. I was helping her stand up from her chair, when I felt something behind me. I turned around and the old man was standing behind me; towering over me by a solid foot. I gasped and started to apologize for waking him, when I realized he was not old. I stared at him for a few seconds as my thoughts started to process what was happening, and the fear started to rise in my throat.
My mind started to race through a million thoughts trying to reason with myself and calm the panic I was starting to feel. I continued to stare at him, unsure of what to say. My mouth was dry, I could feel my fingertips tingling with fear.
"I...I.........I am s..sorry I woke you up" I stammered. My voice cracking a little as I tried to get the words out.
He said nothing. He didn't move. He was standing so close to me I could feel the exhales of his breath through his nose. His were still cold, his face was emotionless.
I tried to step back and felt my leg hit the chair behind me. I finally remembered the old lady and slowly turned to look at her.
She was still old. She stood there with a slight smirk in her face, at least I think it was a smirk. She was still holding her elbow as if it hurt, but she didn't say anything.
"Is this your son?" I asked. My voice shaking a little. "What is going on?" "I should get going." The words were tumbling out of my mouth as a sinking realization started to wash over me.
I look at the man, then back to the old lady. I see the flash of the knife in the man's hand. I felt the knife sink into my gut.

I step aside and look at me standing there. This is how that life ended. I had wondered if the answers were in the moments leading up to my death, or if I would have to work backwards from here. I took another step away from the man. I am happy he can't see me this time. I watch my body slump to the floor. I write down a few notes in my notebook.
I step out of the townhouse. I take a deep breath. I hated the cold air for lifetimes after this. I hated to shiver, as if that was what led me inside the townhouse. I start to walk back up the  street. The portal to the next life I am studying is ready.