Between Deaths Doors

     The days leading up to my moms death were tough. I didn't know death was so close, waiting outside the front door. I thought I would have a little more time. More time and opportunity for my mom to give me some last tidbits of info or advice, to forgive me for those things she had stayed so angry about for so many years. To tell me she loved me and regretted not being able to stay longer. But that last one wasn't true. She could have and chose not to. 

Sitting here 5 years after her death, I still feel so much anger for her leaving, for her wanting to leave. For her not even thinking about fighting the cancer.

I was at work and my dad called. He said mom hasn't gotten out of bed yet today. I talked to her, she was breathing hard. She said she just couldn't catch her breath and was tired. I called hospice and asked them to send a nurse out. I remember driving to the house to check on her. She was short tempered and wanted to be left alone. I tried to help. She didn't want help. I went back to work.

 I returned home after work with the kids. The nurse was still there. My mom never got better that day. I should have come home earlier. The nurse said she had been giving my mom morphine and it had been helping my mom calm down. I went in to see her. Hoping to comfort her or maybe to be comforted, I guess from her. Hoping for reassurance that she would be ok. Hoping she would say she regretted her decision to not try and fight. Hoping again for those last words of love. One last hug. Instead she was irritated, and snappy. I tried to offer my hand for comfort and tried to hug her. She pushed me away. she didn't want to be touched. My mom said to the nurse and I that she wanted to use the bathroom. She said she had been waiting for me to get home so I could help them. The nurse and I lifted mom out of bed, my mom barking orders and letting us know all the things we were doing wrong or too slow. We got her into the bathroom and on the way out of the bathroom, she decided she wanted to brush her teeth. I tried to tell her that she was turning purple and needed to rest. Inside I was panicking. Knowing I was watching my mom dying right before my eyes.  She lashed out, her voice cutting through me like a knife.  Her angry response, The tone of her voice, her words; the blade so cold I could feel myself turning cold. Well Shit, Rachel. Nothing I did in that moment was acceptable. There was no moments of sadness, or thoughtfulness. Just a lashing out at my being. 

Death was in the house. Maybe she knew it was close. We got my mom back to bed. She sat on the edge of the bed gasping for air. Her concentrator humming loudly in the room. it was up as high as it would go. My moms lips were a deep purple. Her eyes wide open. She was leaning forward and then back on to the bed. Lifting her arms above her head and lowering them again, flailing around as the panic set in that she couldn't breathe and couldn't catch her breath. Her eyes were darting wildly back and forth. I tried to talk to her, tried to offer my hand on her arm for comfort. She swatted it away. I could see the nurse wince from discomfort of having to witness this. The nurse touched my arm and said I should go check on my kids. I turned to my mom and tell her I will be right back. I hope in that moment I still have time. Time to have one last conversation with my mom. One last meaningful interaction. One last chance for her to impart something for me to carry on with. One last hug, one last I love you. Anything. I would take anything. 

My dad is sitting on the seat of his walker outside on the back porch. I take the kids out there and I tell the three of them that mom isn't doing well. I know it will be soon, but I don't know exactly when. I am in a fog. I dont know if I want to puke or cry. My dad looks straight ahead into the yard. "Well this happened so fast. I didn't think it would be this fast." He says. Tears welled up in his eyes, but never crashed over the edge. I felt in that moment my emotions coming in and out like waves lapping over rocks, anger, sadness, guilt, heartbreak. I felt numb. I wanted to cry and sleep at the same time. 

The nurse comes running out to the porch. "I think she is dead. Your mom is dead." 

"Are you sure?" I ask. She didn't seem sure.

"You should check"  she says to me. 

This is not a moment I would wish on anyone.

I walked into the room and my mom was laying there, still on her side facing away from me. No longer heaving her chest up and down trying to get enough air. I walk over to her, and the life is drained from her face. It is a gray color that only death can bring. The image burned into my memory like a branding iron on flesh. A wound that will never heal. A part of my soul that will never be the same again. I feel her wrist and her neck. I already know, but I check anyway. Her skin has already started to cool in just those few short minutes. Death had came and taken her away before I could even say good bye. Before she would let me hug her, before she was willing to hug me one last time. My whole soul shattered as I stood there. the finality of it, this, this one moment. shes gone. My brain on autopilot I tell the nurse, yes she is indeed dead. The nurse has tears streaming down her face.

 I feel dead inside. I have nothing. There is nothing there. I comfort the nurse in that moment as waves of guilt and shame roll through me like thunder. How am I not feeling anything I think to myself. 

I step out onto the back porch. I tell my kids and my dad that she is gone. I hug my kids and then I turn to my dad. I need help in that moment, support, love, comfort, reassurance. A hug. Anything. I need my dad. I get nothing.

"Well that's too bad" he says. We should call Michelle. I choke down my anger in that moment. I want to push him off his walker, kick him in his shins. slap him. There is nothing, no sentiments of how much he loved her, not even an I am going to miss her. No tears. 

 I look over at kids they are not crying either. I feel lost in that moment. What do I do now? We call my sister and tell her. She is crying so deeply, heartbroken her mom is gone. All I see every time I blink is my moms dead gray face. I try to comfort my sister but it is a blur. Anger and heartbreak rising and falling in my chest.

The nurse lets us know the mortuary will be there within 2 hours to get the body. 

My dad turns to me and asks "hey you said earlier that you might go out to eat, is that still on the table? I am hungry and would like to go" 

I stared at him is disbelief. I could not believe the callousness of the words falling from my dads lips. I didn't know what to say in response. I look around me hoping to find something to guide me. A guidepost to let me know my reaction is appropriate. There is nothing. I have no guidance. its just us. "Dad they have to come get the body before we can do anything." I say, still in disbelief. I didn't even feel like me in that moment. My brain in fog, my body felt numb, but my chest hurts as waves of emotion continue to crash into me. 

The kids and my dad want to go inside. I tell them I will check to make sure the door to the room is closed. I step into the house and look in the direction of the bedroom. I feel the searing of the branding iron to my memory as I see my mom on her back with her mouth gaping open in a way that only happens after death has arrived. Her eyes sunken deep into her eye sockets. she is a ghostly grey now. An image that stays directly behind my eyelids every time I close my eyes and think of my mom. 

The mortuary people arrive. The first man that does the talking is a very large man. He tells me don't watch as we take the body out its not pretty. I didn't really know what he meant. I always thought they took them out on stretchers. or a backboard in a body bag. I ushered the kids and my dad back outside to wait in the cool April evening air. I shouldn't have looked, they warned me. I didn't know. They were each carrying one end, but the body had slumped into the middle of the bag. folded in ways only a dead body can. They were right, I shouldn't have looked. Another searing image to haunt me from the branding iron to my memory. 

I wasn't hungry, but I knew my kids were. I felt numb, like nothing really mattered. We all went to Ihop after they took my moms body away. I felt rolling thunder  claps of shame and guilt crashing through me as I heard my stomach growl. How can you be hungry at time like this? I ask myself. This is why you are fat you know. I admonish myself. I sit and stare at the man across from me as he eats. There is a stoic silence at the table that only I seem to notice. I watch him as he eats his food almost happily, content. How can a man who just lost his wife eat so happily? why can he not offer me any words of comfort? No happy memories of mom? He says through his bites of food, that he will sleep better tonight without my moms snoring and oxygen concentrator running. I am at a loss for words. That's true I mumble, angry at myself instantly for not defending her. I stopped eating half way through my plate. My stomach no longer growling, the exhaustion of the day settling in. I push my plate away. You are going to finish that right? my dad asks with a tone of admonishment, finally making eye contact with me. I feel like I am five again, having been starving for so many hours only to be forced to eat a huge plate of food until I felt sick to my stomach. I feel my body and brain go cold and numb. "Yes I will finish it", I reply. By the time I am done I feel sick to my stomach. The comfortable ache of familiarity. That's what you get for being such pig  I can hear my own voice tell me. You get what you deserve my friend the voice continues to chime in. I swallow hard to choke back the tears, as the kids and my dad finish their meals. The rest of that night is lost on me. I could not tell you how I got home. I remember nothing from the rest of the evening. It was late, that's all I know.

The next morning I got up with the kids and went about our day like any other day, guilt and shame hitting me in the gut every few steps. I honestly didn't know what else to do. I felt so numb. Going to work felt like putting on a comfortable pair of jeans. The mask of happy work boss was easier than staying home. I got home from work early that day. All of the hospice equipment was already gone. My dad was elated. He bragged about how much room he had now and how he could store more stuff there. I felt like I got punched in the stomach. This was my mom. The person I had called 2-5 times a day, every day, for years. And he is HAPPY.  The callousness of the man in front of me left me speechless and more heartbroken. The man in front of me was supposed to have loved my mom. 

The numbness, the emptiness, the hollowed cavern where my soul used to be seemed frozen in time. I felt dead inside. Untethered to this world. 

Days leaked into months, I changed jobs, aged a year, spent hundreds of hours and dollars trying to get my parents house cleaned enough to AirBNB it; finally renting it to a young couple. I made my dad breakfast every morning before continuing on with my day. My dads cancer continued to eat at him.

December arrived. The AC units already taken out of the windows, and the cold air at night were the only things really announcing winter. The last few days the pain from his cancer had gotten worse. He missed a dialysis visit. I was lifting him out of bed, rolling him to the bathroom and back, lifting him back into bed. I had requested antibiotics for a UTI, but they were slow to arrive. I called again and a third time. Finally after a week they were here. I didn't know death was already in the room waiting. 

I awoke and went to make breakfast for my dad. I usually could hear his bed rising up, but lately he had been sleeping a little later. I made his breakfast and carried it into his room. I started talking to him before I even opened the door. "Hey dad, good morning, I brought you breakfast, are you up yet?" I fling the door open with a big smile on my face, only to find Death had already come and gone. He had already taken my dad. Stolen him before I could say good bye, before I could hug him. Before I could tell him I loved him. I didn't think I could break any further until that moment. 

I did not check his pulse as I had my mom. There was no nurse here that needed reassurance of her assessment. The image of him laying there imprinting onto my brain. My dad, ghost grey and his mouth hung open in that awkward only in death way. I said to no one out loud: Oh you are already dead. I didn't know. Im sorry. As if I was interrupting deaths last act. I step out of the room and back into the kitchen. thankful in that moment that I am alone and I do not need to figure out what emotion I should or shouldn't be expressing. It doesn't matter anyway. I have felt dead inside for a long time at this point. I call hospice and the mortuary. I diligently do not look this time as they remove the body. Hospice comes and gets the bed and just like that both of them are gone. The room is empty again. No secret envelopes with letters telling me they loved me. No words of wisdom imparted to me before death. Just me standing there alone between deaths doors. 

Photo by Luigi Boccardo on Unsplash

Finding Mom

 I take a deep breath as I prepare for my journey with Grandma Bertha. She is confident that she can lead me to my mom so I can talk to her.

I walk down the stairs and open the heavy door at the bottom. The train platform is calm and warm with the sweet smell of honeysuckle. I take a deep breath in smelling the sweetness. I then step up to the edge of the platform and the white and blue light whooshes by at the same time I feel the rumble of its arrival. I step into the train and pause for a moment. I stick my hand out on the other side and before I feel grandma Bertha's hand I step off. She is standing there, arm outstretched. 

She chuckles, "so you are getting better at this my dear." 

She turns and starts walking towards the cabin before I have a chance to respond. I follow her to the porch and we both take our places in the rocking chairs. I am not really sure what to say so I just move my foot up and down and rock in the chair.

 Grandma Bertha chuckles again. "Do you not speak today my dear?" 

"Oh, I am sorry." I reply. "I am a little nervous today." 

"There is no need. are you ready to go look for your mom?"

"Yes," I say with a sigh. "What am I looking for exactly?"

"Well let us get up and explore and I will see if I can explain well enough. It might not be today, but we will look."

"Is my mom lost is that why we have to look for her?" I ask.

"No your mom just does not look like me and you. and you have not connected to people in energy or angel form. I do not know if you will be able to see her. but we shall try. Let us go."

 We get up off the porch and walk to the left. 

"We shall go straight back from the cabin and walk through the field and into the apple orchard." Says Grandma Bertha.

As we step away from the cabin for the first time I see the rows of flowering apple trees with rows and rows of trees.

"Please focus on each step for now. and the grass brushing against your legs and the feel of the sun on your forehead and face. The feel of the slight breeze pulling your hair away from your neck." Grandma says as we walk.

We stop at the entrance to the orchard. The flowers glow with white light barely discernible with the sun shining,

"Are those my mom?" I ask. 

"No, that is the energy in the flowers. It is good that you can see that." Grandma says.

I look at the tree trunks the have orange and red and white light flowing up the trunks now.

"What is that?" I ask.

"Their life force." Grandma replies matter-of-factly.

We step further into the orchard. I can feel the shade of the trees and the slightly cooler temperature of the orchard. There is still grass on the ground but not as high. A dog goes running through the field in front of us. 

"Is that my mom?" I ask, feeling like that book for little kids.

Grandma Bertha laughs and says no.

As we approach what feels like the middle of the field, there is a white ball of light. We both stop in front of it.

"This is her?" I ask.

"Yes this is your mom." Grandma says quietly. 

"Well she is fairly easy to see. She is showing up extra bright for you." Grandma says with a smile.

"I miss her." I say with my throat catching as I say it. I hear what feels like a faint voice in my head say "I love you."

But it honestly feels like it is my own thoughts.

"Mom, can you talk to me?" I ask. 

"Not in the way you are used to." I hear, faintly. like a whisper through the trees. 

"Can you show me how?" I ask.

"Not at this time, but you can come here to the apple orchard. You seem to hear me now."

Poof the white ball of light is gone.

I turn to Grandma Bertha and ask, "where did she go?"

"She is back to being an angel you will get better at this my dear. remember those things you dug up so long ago with your sister? They are still important and we will explore them. You have much careful planning to do, with follow up of action steps."

"Ugh, Grandma it is so hard not to just let myself be distracted by social media." I say dejectedly. 

"You must find a way to nurture the part that wants to be distracted."

"What part is that? I don't even know. I just feel frozen." I explain.

"You are feeling neglected. the most difficult part is that you are doing it to yourself.  you cannot shift everything over night. It is step by step. Your steps these last 4 days have done well. It is very important to take steps every day, but not all of the steps in one day. Please take some time tonight to complete your new work tasks and plan out the rest of this week. With measurable steps. Roger and I are here to help as you allow us to. Let us get you back home, my dear." 

Finding Grandma Bertha

 Time to talk to Grandma Bertha.

Deep breath. Currently sitting on the couch with my feet up typing this out on my computer. Becoming aware of my heartburn. 

Heart starts to beat a little faster. Maybe I should bring Roger with me. Feeling a little dizzy now. It is time. Kids dad just got back with groceries. 

(gets distracted for a little bit.)

Back to writing, attempting to focus, kids talking.

Focus, deep breath. just kidding I cant breathe with this smell in here.

(More time goes by) 

Ok, i'm gonna try again.

(A little while later)

The smell is dissipating a little. Now I will retry this. Ugh...it is hard when people are around to concentrate.

Deep breath.

(SEVERAL HOURS LATER!)

Finally hours later silence in the house, generic background noise playing on the tv. 

Sigh. It should not be this hard to focus. I get up from the couch open the door to the train station. walk down the stairs. 

(Distracted again for another 15 minutes)

 Continue to walk down the stairs and pull open the door slowly. I step onto the platform and let the door swing shut behind me. I stand there for a long time, paused in space and time. 

(Another interruption)

Anyway, back to the train platform. Deep breath. The Spring flowers are still dropping petals, and the warm breeze still pulls the air around me. I step up to the platform waiting for the blue time travel train to arrive. I can feel the rumble under my feet before I can feel the breeze pick up. With a loud whoosh the blue and white train is rushing through the station. 

I think out loud to myself, "ok, Grandma Bertha you wanted me to come visit you , here I come."

 I close my eyes and reach my hand out in front of me. As soon as the tips of my fingers touch the blue I am pulled into the train and am now floating in the train. I wonder where I am supposed to get off the train. I close my eyes and reach out my hand to the left of me. I feel a hand grasp mine and I immediately stop. I open my eyes. I am standing on a dirt path with open Fields all around me. Grandma Bertha is standing in front of me smiling. There is a wooden cabin a ways behind her. 

"Rachel you are here. You arrived sooner than I thought you would. I figured it would take you a few days."

"Yes I am here. I should have been here yesterday." I say with a chuckle.

Grandma Bertha turns away and starts walking towards the cabin. There are two rocking chairs on the porch. We walk up the stairs and we both take a seat in the rockers.

"Why am I here, Grandma?" I ask.

"I need to be sure you are listening my dear." 

"Listening to what?" I ask.

"Listening to your mother, me, Roger, and Heartsong." 

"Ok, what am I supposed to be hearing?" 

"Let us take a moment to reflect, shall we?" says Grandma Bertha.

"Sure." I reply.

"42 years, 6 cycles. To be completed in October. Circles within other circles. 7 years of writing, which you saw and noted. what other cycles can you think of my dear?"

"Umm,  6 years since  I moved, 3 years since mom died. She would be 80 this year. Um I don't know,  I can't think of others. Why?"  I ask.

"Well my dear it is important to know the past circles to better see the future circles. You have many goals, and some require bigger circles than others. They cannot all follow the same timelines. It is important to see where the lines cross. you also have many gardens to tend, my dear. Things do not grow without time and energy."

"Ok, Grandma, I hear you, but which things are circles and what things are gardening?"

"The earth and the stars are able to be seen and felt at the same time by everyone." Grandma Bertha says. 

"Ugh ok, I know that I have not been active enough in *doing stuff* around the house, with the kids. Is this what you are talking about?"

Grandma Bertha sighs. "My dear I am not angry with you. Please know we are here to help you."

"How can you help?"" I ask.

"Ahh, that is why we are here my dear.

Every morning you can come here and chat with me. we can figure out what needs to be done, And I will offer ways I can help. It will be you who decides if it is helpful or not. Check in with Roger at night if that helps. He will also offer suggestions and ways he can help. In your mind you can see it, now you must physically create it. all of it. it will heal your soul. your soul does not heal first. It is in the action that you find peace. Not before or after. But you must see and understand the circles, and tend the garden."

"It feels like a lot Grandma. I need to learn more and more and earn more and more, It is never enough." I say dejectedly.

"It is you that deserves more my dear. and while it often feels empty to be the one providing your own needs it is important to know that you already know your worth. and you know you can, and will do more. Your soul deserves to feel the love of being seen and heard."

"Remember the healing is in all of the action. not just the thoughts. I will leave you to enjoy the view and rest for a little. Please come see me tomorrow."

I watch Grandma Bertha get up and walk off the porch and disappear into the sunlight. I close my eyes and feel the warm sun and breeze blow over me. It is so quiet out here. 

I get it. The part of me that refuses to move, refuses to create action is afraid. I don't know what of at this point. Maybe change. I sit back into the rocker and gently rock back and forth. Happy to not be sitting in fear at the moment. Is change that scary? Is my fear of failure that strong? my lack of trust to be able to re-create the small success I have created? I feel like it took me 40 years to get here at this moment, and I don't have another 40 years to re-create exactly this. The weight of failing to create security for my kids leaves me with sheer panic. Anything to not jeopardize the current security they have right now. The feeling of being selfish for wanting more, for thinking beyond the kiddos. This feeling leaves me frozen unable to do anything. even the things I need to keep my physical and mental health good. Thinking out loud I say to myself, "I will try to draw out the circles and see what comes up." 

NEXT DAY

Let me go find grandma Bertha and talk to her.

I swing the door open and trot down the stairs. Fling the heavy door open and step onto the train platform. The train arrives quickly. I confidently stick my hand out in front of me, and step into the train. I take a deep breath and hold my hand out to my side. Still unsure where I am supposed to find Grandma Bertha. I feel her hand and I am pulled from the train. We are back at her wooden cabin. Sunny quiet, peaceful. 

"Hi Grandma, I did what you asked. I made some circle diagrams. can we talk about them?"

Grandma Bertha laughs, "of course! Let us go sit down first." We walk up the porch and I sit in the same rocker as yesterday. 

"Tell me more about your drawings my dear."

"Ok will I drew out the time lines that I could think of. and I found patterns in the 5s and 7s."

"Were you able to extend any into the future? Not really only the LVN one that looks like it will be 2 cycles instead of 1."

"Tell me dear, if you could know anything from the future, what would it be?"

"Ummm, lotto numbers?"

"What else my dear?"

"Will I feel happy?, Will I fall in love? will I ever do investigative work?, Will I have the financial success I dream of? Will I lose weight? Will I finish my house? Will I move to Italy, or somewhere else?"

Grandma Bertha sat silent for awhile as thoughts and judgments whirled around in my head.

She turned to me and finally said: "Yes my dear IF those are your true desires. Let us work through them. 

1st: Feel happy..of course. your soul is starting to lighten the load and the actions are going to light it more. 

2nd: yes when you are ready, when he is ready. When? I do not know at this time. We can chat about this particular one in a separate time. 

3rd: There is nothing stopping you but energy, distraction, and action. two of those will create the third.

4th: we shall see. The actions are important. CAN you? Yes. The dreams of what that looks like should be harnessed, noted and then realized.

5th: Yes, again the actions are there. We will get there. I see you heard all of my and Rogers promptings this morning.

6th: of course. This takes time and....action my dear. And money of course. Focus on the steps, you are doing great.

7th: You will live in all the places that you dream of. Even if only for 6 months. 1 year. regardless of financial "success". No fretting. You will have this.

How can I help you today? On this day my dear?"

"Can you ask my mom how she is? I cant see her or hear her. I miss her deeply, and want to feel like she is close when I know she isn't." 

"Your mother is well. She is healing from the life and cross over. She is wanting to connect, but is still very quiet. She also understands the duality of you and your sister. You want to connect and not have it seen or heard by your sister. Her intuition is strong and she connects beyond a level of most. We will need to revisit this later my dear. Please spend a little time with Roger today to help with the weekend."

I look over and Grandma Bertha is already disappeared from the rocking chair. I stand up and am instantly sitting in my living room again.

After talking to Grandma, I realized that I have felt abandoned yet again by mom even in death. I had thought I would feel her close to me, and if anyone was going to appear it would be her. I am angry that I haven't felt her. 

The Field of Screens Part 1

Conversation with Roger:

Him: "Hello Racqele"

He still has his Italian accent, and says my name in Italian.

Me: "Hi Roger, how are you?"

Him: "I am as good as you." He says with a chuckle.

Me: "Sorry it has been so long since I checked in."

Him: "it has been busy, you have been listening well without need to interrupt."

ME: "Last time I wrote our conversation  down, we were going to start navigating through the field of screens. Did we do that?"

Him: "Oh yes, the Field of Screens. Let us review the path to see where we are. Come with me."

ME: I get up off the couch and follow him down the stairs in the kitchen. We stand on the train platform again. It is no longer Fall in the train station. It is Spring with pink flower petals swirling around. It feels warm and smells like honeysuckle. 

"This is different." I say to Roger. As I am looking around. "It has always been fall when I am here."

"Yes," he says wistfully as he stands here with his hands in his pockets. "This is nice for you to be here at a different time. It is good for the soul. The train is coming are you ready to go?"

"Yes, yes I am."  I say, as I turn towards the tracks.

The blue and white light can be seen glowing in the distance down the track. And before I can soak in the feeling it is here, zooming through the station. 

"Let us go now Racqele," says Roger as he holds his hand for me to hold on to.

We step into the zooming light and off we go. I never stood in the blue light train before, but this time we paused. It feels like water without the wetness. it is thick but not constrictive. 

Roger turns to the left side of the train and steps off, pulling me with him.

We are standing at the edge of a grassy knoll. It is warm and sunny outside. 

"Let us go" he says again and starts walking away from the train. As we crest over the knoll we can see there is a valley down the hill in front of us. the field is filled with the screens. all with pictures or images on them like short movies or picture slides.

We walk until we are in front of the first row. 

"Can you see the images clearly on the screen?" Roger asks.

"No," I reply. "They are very bright. I can see the colors. But that is all."

"It is OK, please close your eyes," Roger says. I sigh, "OK" I respond, and close my eyes. 

"What color did you see before you closed your eyes?" he asked. "Dark Pink," I reply. "With some white rounded lines."

I can feel him pull me over a few feet until we are standing in front of different ones in the same row.

 "I want you to open your eyes and then close them again and tell me what colors you see," Roger says.

I open my eyes and see a dark green green color with the same white rounded lines. I close them again and we move further down. 

"Open them again," says Roger. I open them again and I see static. 

"This is good," says Roger. "You can keep them open now. We will go back to the ones you can see the colors."

We walk back down and stand there looking up at the big screens.

"What can you see?" I ask Roger.

"I see turmoil, money and happiness. Usually work, home and family. and not in that order all the time. 

Let us step into the Field of Screens and go to the next row," Roger says.

We walk past the first row of screens until we are standing at the next row. 

I see all dark muted colors. Brown, blue, maroon. All matte like colors. I tell Roger this.

"Oh yes," he says. "Turmoil again. we shall continue."

"These next few rows are all muted colors. We shall continue through." Roger says.

I look at all the screens as we slowly walk through the field. I can see the colors changing as the images flash on the screen. I need more practice to be able to see things more clearly when I am with Roger.

We are about half way through the field and we stop.

"This is where we are in the field," Roger says. 

"What do I need to do to finish the Field of Screens?" I ask.

He waves his hand in the air. "There is time that needs to pass, and things that need to be completed to continue."

"Like what?" I ask. 

"Well, Racqele you cannot see the screens. we come here more and practice and we will move faster through the screens."

"What happens after the screens?" I ask.

"When you spoke to your Soul, she told you, that is where a new journey begins with another soul. Maybe a boat ride across a lake, or a swim in the water. Or a picnic where you both pause and enjoy the view."

Roger points to my left and waves. there is a woman walking towards us in a long lightweight dress, with her hair in a bun. 

"Hello Rachel, how are you my dear?"

She sounds like my Aunt Arloa. I met her before, it is my Grandma Bertha. 

"Hi Grandma, I am good," I reply. 

"You always have so many questions, but never want to hear the answers." She laughs as she says this.

"Yes, I want to know everything that is going to happen until I can, then I don't want to know." I chuckle as I say it, knowing how silly it sounds. 

"You can ask questions if you have any right now," she says.

A thought flutters through my head, but I don't say it.

She laughs..."yes, you will. If that is a decision you make." 

I didn't even say anything. I say.

"You do not need to." she replies.

"Should I?" I ask aloud, as a follow up to the first unspoken question.

Be so busy you don't have time to question it. Grandma Bertha says.

"Fill you day from sunrise to Sunset, with activity." "This", she motions to the screens "is not of your phone or computer. You built this to help you see more clearly."

"Do all the things you need to, to make sure Roger and I are right there. You keep us away, my dear. Heartstrong too. You have learned well that our help, and guidance does not guarantee perfection, or absence of sadness or loneliness. But if you allow us to lift you up, you will feel the extra strength and guidance we can provide."

"Thank you Grandma." I say quietly. 

"Can I really do all of the things I want?" I ask, little incredulous. 

"Yes, all of them." Grandma Bertha says. "IF you keep your mind body and soul healthy."

"Come talk to me tonight. Let us help you align with what you need to be able to get what you want."

Before I could respond again she was gone. 

I turn to Roger and look at him. "What do we do now?" I ask. 

"Well we are in the beautiful Italian countryside. would you like to see the town?"

Before I can respond we are standing on a cobblestone road in front of a small Italian looking restaurant. I stand in the middle of the roadway and swirl slowly around soaking in the sights all around me. 

"I love it." I whisper.

I turn to Roger. "What do I need to work on?" I ask. 

Trust. Roger says. 

Freedom

I drop my keys on the desk. This is it, this moment has been a long time coming.

The last six months I have been working tirelessly on my websites. Everything feels so synchronistic. I checked my bank account this morning before I left work. I made more money last month than the previous six months combined. When I get to work my boss calls me into her office. The paper is sitting there. I already know that she is trying to discipline me for something unnecessary. She is rattling on about something, I'm not listening. My mind is calculating the things I will lose today. My heart is calculating what I will gain today. I had imagined I would do both jobs for a few years. I would create a secure, stable income from the websites first. Now I am standing here on the precipice of change, the brink of freedom.
I think about all of the tasks I am supposed to complete today. I think about the way people are going to react about my decision. I think about the people that are going to judge me, and the people that are going to feel like I am leaving them behind. I start to feel a twinge of doubt. My mind starts to convince me to pick the keys back up again.
I look at my boss, she has stopped talking, and is staring at me, waiting for me to respond to a question I did not hear. "I don't know" I answer, unsure if that will answer sufficiently. I start to feel panicked. I cant decide which way to go. My mind is screaming at me to make it work, to take my time, to plan it out. My heart is whispering at me to take the leap.
 I think to myself "jeez universe, help me out here". My phone dings. I turn the phone over and read the text. A call off for PM, another ding before I can even look away. A full time person just quit. My mind starts to wander to the schedule. Who is going to take of these people tonight? Who is going to find coverage? The phone dings again. Another call off. "OK universe, I get the message, no more call offs" I think to myself.
I look back at my boss, she is still rattling on about some report and how she is sure she told me about it.
I take a deep breath. I look at my phone. I delete the texts, I clear the call history, and I lock the phone. I set it on the table next to my keys.
She hands me the write up, mumbling the usual "please read and sign". I take it from her, and turn the paper over. I scribble my official statement noting that I quit, as of today. I know I am forfeiting my PTO. I don't care anymore. I turn to my boss, and hand her the paper.
"Good luck, you had two staff members call off tonight and two are quitting as of right now."
She stares at the paper as I turn and walk out the door.
As I step out into the sunshine, I finally realize what freedom felt like.

Conversation #4

I decided to go on the crazier side of things and bought land with a panel house to be built on it. It is all the way out in placerville and it is not complete yet. There are some days that I wonder if this was the correct path. It has been a longer process than my other options would have been.

I climb off the couch and step down the stairs. I open the door and stand in front of the Blue light train. I close my eyes and think about seeing future me and asking about the decision we made. I stick my hand out and close my eyes. I take a deep breath and step in to the light. I open my eyes. It is mid June out in Placerville. I am standing in front of a house that looks complete on the out side. I walk up to the house and open the door. I look around there are appliances in place in the kitchen, but the floor is still wood, with tarp over it. the furniture from out apartment is in the house, but it still has bare walls. I step into the bed room Future me is laying flooring in the bathroom.
"Hi" I say.
She pauses and sits back and takes a deep breath. but she doesn't turn around.
I ask "What do you think of our choice?"
"I never would have done this if  I had got a house that was move in ready. I am learning so much that I would not have otherwise. I  am going to be ready for buying  rental properties when I am done with this because I will know how to put new stuff in. Even if I screw this one up."
"Are the kids happy?"
"They love that they get to be a part of creating our home. The drive is a little much, but we make it work."
"How about the money?" I ask.
"The total amount was ok..we are doing good."
Ok so we are happy?"
"Yes this is great!"
"How did we get the loan approvals for this?
"I really don't know. I just kept trying different things until one of them worked."
"Any advice for what I should be doing all the way back in Feb?
"Still buy the ticket to EOL, still put a deposit for the trip to  Hawaii. You will be disappointed that you didn't and when you realize you still have the money it will be too late."
"Ok thank you!
 "Your welcome" She responds.
 I turned around and went into the kids bedrooms and then the Master bedroom, the kids were asleep in the bed. I turned around and went back outside and walked to the edge of the grass. I stepped into the thin veil and back onto the platform.  Up the stairs and back to my living room.

Conversations with my soul. Part 4

I need to talk to my soul again. I need more guidance. I have questions. I need clarification. I fear making a wrong turn. There is no way for me to know the alternate path. I can only imagine what the different outcomes would be. This path is the only one I can see.


I climb off my couch. I step up onto the platform behind me. I walk up until  I can see the vegetation I can see the narrow path. I start walking up the path. It is warm and sunny today. Normally it is cold and gloomy. I weave my way through the bushes that hang over the path. It is steep and I have to lean forward to keep my balance. I push dead branches out of the way as I make my way to the top of the path. I see the opening in the path as it opens up to a clearing at the edge of the lake . There is fine ground rocks and some old pieces of wood that have been pushed to the shore. The wood not the sand. The gravelly sand is there in a small clearing. The other part of the lake has grass all the way to the edge of the water. I look across the lake.
"Hello!" I call out. "Are you here?"
 I look to the far edge of the lake where my soul took me last time. The land curves away to where I can no longer see the path. I focused my sights there and waited.
"I'm here!"  I hear a voice call out.
I wait. She rounds the corner of the path across the lake. I look down at the waters edge. I imagine a boat there and slowly I see the air swirl around as a boat appears to be being built from dust in the air. When it is complete I step into the boat. I focus my sights on the opposite edge of the lake. The boat seems to just know that is where I want to go. It pushes through the water to other edge. I climb out of the boat. I remember that last time I had my mind interfere with what I was trying to hear and see. I focus on my surroundings. And I try to stay focused on my questions.
 My soul runs up to me. "What are you doing here today?  I wasn't expecting you today."
"I know I wasn't planning on visiting so soon.  I need more answers."
 She looks at me .. "OK what do you need?"
"My questions are: What am I training for? What do I need to focus on? When should  I start? What kind of training am I doing? Physical, Mental, emotional, educational, vocational? There are too many options I need help to focus. What happens if I train in the wrong area?"
 She laughs out loud. Inwardly, I have a little awkward feeling. I have much anxiety about these things. She looks at me. "You know you're me right?
" ...Well yes..technically." I reply
 "Not technical...you are me. You choose to hide under your veil."
"Why do you not choose to hide?" I ask
"Because  I chose freedom." She said.
 "But you are me; did we not both choose freedom?" I asked; feeling perplexed.
"You chose earth. I chose a different...earth place. We chose."
 "Is earth harder to take off the veil? " I ask
"...no it is harder for you than for me.  Hmmm let me think of your questions for a moment. Don't add your thoughts to mine ... let me contemplate." She pauses and steps back. I am back in my living room for a moment chatting with my kids. I hear her start to talk so I jump back to the lake..

"Just as you answered yourself; you need to train physically. It will hep with mental focus.  You need to train and practice living on earth. You cannot hide until its over. Write more think less."
 "What is my goal?"....
"There is not a goal.. there is a pattern of evolving. There is people to connect to and paths to clear for others. Doors to open and soulful practice of healthy beliefs. To concrete the healthy patterns, so as to not need to repeat learning them again. You can set goals for yourself to help you, but not as an end result. You need to understand the patterns of growth are not set. Focus on reaching for a feeling and keeping it here. Write your new belief. and practice it. There are events that are going to occur and you will do best with training." She stops for a moment. "Your thoughts are merging with mine. give me a moment."
 I pause and I lean down a dip my fingers in the water. It is cold and clear. There is grass growing on the edge of the lake. I can see small fish darting around in the grass in the water. I look up at my soul...   she is prancing around in circles and humming a tune. I look down and feel the water on my fingers. so cold and refreshing. I look up and she walks up to me again.
"You need to focus on your feet. stay on the ground. talk to people. Set up a healthy pattern for your family. Reach for more earth knowledge. The soul already knows what you need to remember. Let me speak through you while you are on earth not just here. All the things that you dream of ...pick one... and bring it to life. Then the next one. Don't try all at once. Learn then use it. Don't try to learn all first. Did I mention you need to write more? You need to grow out from the veil. It hides you very well. Your light is blocked completely from here.  I can only see you when you are here. You will understand when you pull it off what I mean. But If I tell you each step the path will change."
"I have another question: on the earth that you live are we with our soul mate?" I ask.. 
"No I am waiting for us to catch up to each other. That is a journey we take together. when we are both whole."
"Am I not whole now?" I ask. "I feel like a whole person..."
 "Your soul is hiding.... whole ..not like fruit, but like all the cylinders on a car working; all the tires inflated evenly. All the rooms cleaned during spring... does this make sense?"
 "Yes.... So the first step?"
 "You will see... the mundane things save space for the rest of it." She answers.
"Do I start tomorrow?" I ask...as I feel my anxiety rise in my chest.
 "You cannot grow a plant in a day.... Maybe you can plant the seed... or pull the weeds where you want to plant... maybe a tree or rocks are in the way and you need to remove them first.... Maybe if you write it down. Not goals..patterns of success...with limitless outcomes... with a leap that is freedom, with patterns after that, that you can't plan yet.."
"Do you have bad days on your earth?" I ask
 "Yes...my freedom was hard fought, but the blanket on my earth is not as heavy as yours. It takes less time, energy, emotion and fight to gain freedom."
 "How can 1 soul split? I ask.
"With out a long story... we chose to divide and conquer. Not all souls do. Some splinter. Earth has been hard. This time is better with a tether to my earth. I can't explain more yet."
"Do you travel in time? I ask
 "Yes." She replies.
"Can you actually leave your earth?" I ask.
"Yes, but again my earth is not as heavy." She says.
"Will I be able to travel like that?"
"I cannot say... it depends. It is not a end goal nor a focus for our soul to master. As long as you do not hide behind it." She says.
I take a deep sigh. "OK."
"Do not leave here disappointed. You came for answers, they should be without expectation of answer. Go home and write the patterns down that you want to have, write down the belief you want and why. write down the emotions you want to feel, and what they are brought from. Write why you want to travel and where. Write it down until it is clear where you are in your gardening process. Think about how long it takes for a plant to grow. Draw a garden if you must. Plan out what you want it to look like. design it, then create it. And remember it is yours and your alone, but all of those you want in your life must have a place in, and space in your garden. You need to plan, and train."
I thank my soul for her/our /my help. I give her a hug and for a moment our soul is one. I try to feel the lightness and freedom as it is a part of me for a moment. I can feel the veil over me. I step back and thank her again.
She laughs. "Of course."  "Be sure and let me know when you meet him. I know where he is on my earth. I am just waiting for you."
 I laugh .."OK I will come tell you. Gosh will  I know when I meet him?"
 She laughs...not at first. But as you tether yourself to your memories they will resonate with him. HE will know. Don't let that go."
"OK sounds good" I reply.
I turn around and walk to the boat. I climb in and enjoy the cruise across the lake with the warm air blowing my hair. I climb out and start on the path down the away from the lake. I go quickly. I can see my couch at the bottom of the trail I step onto my couch and back to my living room.

A visit with my soul. A friend in nature

I went to see my soul last night. I have been to see her a few times. I meet her at a lake somewhere. I don't know how I get there, or how I know where to go. I was able to see the trail this time, that leads up to the lakes edge. I walk up the narrow dirt path. It is steep and is overgrown with tall bushes; their branches reaching across the path to each other. I stop at the top of the trail and look around. Both sides of the lake are lined with pink blooming trees. The water is dark and calm. For the first time it is not foggy. The sun is setting on the horizon and the sky is painted in red and orange. I look across the lake and I see my soul standing on the other side of the lake. I look down at the waters edge and see a small boat appear in front of me. I climb in the boat and it takes me across the lake with little effort. I climb out and walk up to my soul. As she stands there in front of me; I pause and say hi. We have not spoke before. Last time, we walked together, and before that I did not know how to cross the water.
"Hello, I'm so happy you are finally here!" She says very excitedly. I feel a little stunned to hear her voice.
 "I haven't heard you speak before" I said. ...
"I never had the opportunity" she replied.
 "Am I still on Earth?" I ask...My voice trailing off at the end...
She responds... "well...not your earth."
"I traveled to a different earth!?" I asked excitedly.
"You sound surprised" she says, "you have come here before though, so I thought you knew this was not your earth."
 I start to hear sounds around me, there is buzzing in my ears, zapping electrical sounds as what im looking at change and return. and I can see images flashing in the background, like a outdoor movie. they are loud, and the images surround me. I see everything around me start to change.
 "You need to tell your brain to stop" she says.
 In an instant the sounds and images are gone.
"What was that?" I asked.
"It was your mind trying to scare you. Walk with me" she says and starts to walk along the shore. I follow her.
"Do you have questions? What would you like to know?" she asks.
"Yes." I reply .."I do have a question.... What am I supposed to do? Why am I here? It is for my kids? Is there something specific I should be doing?" I start to hear the sounds around me again, like someone changing the stations on a radio and the volume is full blast. images are flashing around me. I feel myself slipping away....like I am being pulled into the flashing images. I am trying to focus on her through the images and sounds.
"FOCUS!" she says sternly and grabs my shoulders. The images are gone instantly.
"I am sorry" I tell her.."I am trying to stay focused but I think I am falling asleep at home."
"Come with me" she says "I want to show you something." We walk around the bend that follows the waters edge. I have never seen this part of the lake before. We are now facing the setting sun. I can feel the warmth of the last of the suns rays on my cheeks. I can see past the lake.  I look farther...I see what looks like a valley. I turn to her and ask what that is, where that is. She says that is her home in the future.
 She turns and faces me..."you need to start training" she tells me. "Training?" I ask.... "what kind of training?"
 "You need to be ready for the fight." she says. "Start now and you will be ready."
 "Like a physical fight?" I ask. I can feel nervousness start to rise in my throat and my cheeks. She laughs.
 "This I cannot say. There is more I would like to tell you" she says. The sounds come back, they are loud buzzing sounds, I can't hear her. I can tell she is still talking. Images of other worlds and other thoughts start to flash in front of me. I try to focus on what she is saying but I can't hear her. she continues to speak.. I can make out a few of the words..Search.... tomorrow..... you will find it. I turn and look back to where we had walked from...the sounds and flashes still there. I can't get them to stop. I need to go home. I blink and I am back around the bend. I can see the boat. I stare at it for a second and I am instantly in the boat that I had looked at. I look at the shore where I started and I am instantly there. I start walking down the path away from the lake. I can't see the bottom of the trail. The sounds are gone, the images are gone. I can feel my tiredness covering me like a blanket. I can feel my self walking closer to me falling asleep.

Tonight. Tonight? Tonight.

Well today is the day that I am faced with planning time for these new changes. My health needs it. My writing skills need it and my income needs it. How much time do I need to create for each one of these? Where do I squeeze these things into my life? I am faced today and ultimately with my time/space conundrum. I ultimately want more time with my kids, and the freedom to do things outside the confines of work and home.

 To do this I need my health. I need to have strength to be active.  I need to have the energy to follow through with what  I want. I need to exercise and eat right. I need to want this for myself. If I want more time with my kids I need to be healthy enough to provide it for them.

 I need to practice my writing as I am today. I have spent enough time getting the list of contests together it would be a waste of previously spent time to not follow through with this. I don't really know how much time it will take me to write each one. I need that window of dedicated time to do so though. This might not make any money, but writing is a great hobby that can be honed.  I will take time each week to work on my video game that I want to create. I need to carve a notch of time to do this. When? I don't know yet.

During the next week, month, 6 months I will work diligently to create the reality that I want. Health, freedom, knowledge, love and family.

 Tomorrow is the first day. Tonight is the first night.

These tasks might sound insignificant, but they feel like mountains on most days.
To take better care of me, I will wash my face twice a day, I will brush my teeth twice a day, I will shower daily.

To take care of my children I will have dinner with them very night. I will make sure they brush their teeth twice a day. I will make sure they get enough sleep, and they will have stories read to them every night.

I am already overwhelmed by my small task list. I start tonight.

I have let my physical strength go for so long that I will start with walking and yoga stretches. Daily? Daily.

At least I have my writing out of the way for tonight.

The voice in my head.

I'm moving onto a new path. I need to, and will, I am taking responsibility for my own lack of inaction. I need to stop listening to the ugly self sabotage voice in my head. I will overcome and adapt to my anxiety. I have the power to stretch time by simply living more life within each moment.

I have decided that it is time to train myself into self confident me. I have decided to empower myself. I am no longer a selfish person because I want to feel good about myself.

I will lead by example instead of waiting for the leader.

I will no longer force myself to choose one area to learn and expand in.

The voice is loud, and I need to be louder than the voice. I will not let the voice dissuade me from my path.

The Dawn of an Era

Well today is the end of an Era and tomorrow is the dawn of new Era. No one will notice the change just yet. Tomorrow it will feel the same, yet life will be on a different path, headed in a new direction. I will stay humble and focused. I will start to train my body and mind for great things. I will not count the dollars earned only the successes. I will pursue all of my dreams. I refuse to choose between on dream and another. I will no longer trade my time for a paycheck. My time is more valuable then that. I will maintain a financial focus, and my risks will be measured with research and balanced with reward margin. I will no longer live in discontent. Every moment from here forward will be a moment closer to success. I will plant seeds for future success, not just for me but for all of those around me whom I love and want to share my success. I will continue to pursue knowledge in all aspects of life. I will take time to focus on my family and appreciate each moment, as irreplaceable and unrepeatable. My faith is no longer something I search for outside of me. I will look within to find my faith, I have faith in me to know the way. I have faith in the elements and the life forces around me. Tomorrow will appear no different, yet it will be a whole new world.

Motivation and The Plan

Motivation and self care. Important words for everyone. It is important to know ourselves well enough to create our own motivation, and to care about ourselves enough to be healthy both inside and out. For some people these things come almost naturally to them. Little thought is but into a healthy lifestyle, or curling their hair every morning. I happen to be one of those people that over analyze everything. I notice every small nuance of my thoughts and emotions and look at them as if they are a separate part of me that can be attached or detached at a moments notice. The action in life is almost painful, for fear of not having a complete enough analysis to move forward. At some point a person just needs to tell their mind to stop. And just let the physical muscles do some work. I have been letting my mind take over, because the actions didn't seem to be improving my life. I keep thinking I must be missing something simply because I haven't seen my plan to fruition. My end result of course are skinny, happy, beautiful, and rich. My plan was to work 8-5 while saving money to invest in RE and buy a house and buy rentals and start a business and quit my 8-5 job. Do I need to alter my plan? Because it hasn't worked yet, not even started to work. I have no savings or a house bought, let alone a rental, and I'm still working 8-5. All of my mind/thought time hasn't cleared a new path for me either. I simply haven't found something I love doing regardless of whether I'm getting paid to do it or not. When I feel like my mind has me on a good path, I am able to create action much easier. When I feel like there is progression in my life that does not require constant mental apprehension, and focus, I feel free to take care of me and spend that time not thinking. At what point does someone decide the end result is still good, but the plan to get there is not?

The Job

I have been working on ways to bring in money so I can stay home with my kids. I have many ideas, but very little time to see them to fruition. I also don't have the money to invest in ideas that require...well any money. Is it possible to replace my income from my 8-5 with at home work? Here is what I have discovered so far: NO It is not that it can't be replaced. But what I am wanting is time. If I work from home the time is simply swallowed up by another form of work. I don't really want to work from home. I don't want to sit at home and try to juggle the kids and find time to get my "work" tasks done. I want money to be coming in, but not from a menial task of one sort or another. What do I want? Do I want a more enjoyable 8-5? Would I do better part time? Part time still requires childcare unless I work at a time when their dad doesn't work. None of these things can be done while we live in a place that is beyond our means. What really needs to happen is a relocation of our family. Either with part time or if I must; full time work. Relocating means many changes. We haven't done it yet..I haven't done it yet, because I don't want to be the source of angst when things are tough. When my son has no friends at school, and my little one misses his Martha. All of the explaining in the world will not make it feel better. I worry that the move is not for the right reasons, or that it is selfish on my part. Will the kids feel the benefit of us moving? will they feel better than they do now? Is moving really the only answer? Granted I don't think my kids are unhappy, but they could definitely go in either direction on the happy scale. I think a big part is I just don't love my job anymore. It started out as a job I loved and slowly turned into a job that I don't want to continue in. I had hoped that the pay increase would help our living expenses, but it is barely noticeable after taxes. I am disappointed that it did not do more for us.I had hoped it would allow us to move into a bigger place, or allow us to go on more trips, but instead it is covering the newest rent increase and the higher food costs. It is such a deflating feeling when your efforts are blocked by unseen forces. It will be sad to leave our home. I vowed never to move my son again after I settled here. I wanted him to have roots and a sense of belonging. I didn't want his future self to say " I grew up in a bunch of places". The idea in and of itself is somewhat overwhelming. Again I don't want to be the decision maker. The jobs I apply to determine where we move to. There are job opportunities everywhere, but that doesn't mean they are all great places to be.  I will gather my thoughts and reflect on our next move.

Change Starts With Me

Change starts with me. I heard this thought float through my head today. I have been ruminating on the life I live, the life I want, and life of my fantasies. I feel like I need change in my life. I feel like I went from contentment to discontent in a really short amount of time. I went from busy, and striving, and social, and motivated....to nothing. Now I don't want to see people, I don't want to exercise, I don't want to keep up on my home, I don't want to keep up on me. I need to take a moment to reflect on the changes that DID take place, that I have allowed myself to move into this mental state. Let's rewind 1 year. At this time last year I was reviewing my numbers for my spa business and coming to the realization that not only did I not earn the extra money I wanted, I didn't even earn back the money I invested; but I lost enough money that I couldn't pay for my son's birthday party. Nor did I have money for Christmas. December I stopped the spa business. January came and went. February came and went. March came and Kieshan decided because his grandpa's health was not well, that he/ we needed to be closer to Mt. Shasta. We sorted things out and decided to move to Sacramento after my 9 year old got out of school. My heart did not want to leave SB but my mind told me it was the right thing to do. I agreed to move but only when Kieshan got a job with benefits, so when I quit my job the insurance would not have gaps. I mentally prepared myself to move. I disengaged with the people I worked with. I started trying to figure out how to make the move work. I started applying for jobs in Sacramento. April was filled with stress. I convinced myself I didn't like my job anymore. I decided that I needed to get in shape before we moved. In May I started going to the gym every morning. I was exhausted at work every day. I was asleep by 8pm every night. I tried to interpret the reasons behind us not getting any job responses. I started to feel like we needed to move no matter what. I was offered a new position within my clinic. I studied the possibilities surrounding the job, the impact of the pay increase. I studied the pay rates of jobs in Sacramento and the surrounding areas. I studied the real estate, the rents. I started feeling really aware of the space we live in. I started to feel like I was not a good provider for my children because of the space we live in. I started to feel proud of the action we were taking to provide our kids with more space and opportunity than we had. June came along and we had no responses to jobs. We pushed our max move date out to July, and then to August. I stopped wanting to make dinners because I was starkly aware of our small apartment, our lack of money to get groceries, our expensive costs of living, the lack of parking, lack of outdoor space for the kids to play. As we entered into summer the heat in our apartment was unbearable. Days and nights of heat. Unrelenting heat. It was exhausting. I didn't want to move when I got home from work. It was too hot to cook, too hot to wash dishes, too hot to take to kids to the park. Too hot to enjoy life as we knew it. I struggled with the fact that we were not moving. That all of my planning and reading, and disconnecting was all for nothing. I tried to accept that we were going to be here for a whole nother year. I accepted the position at my job with the expectation that I would be leaving soon. I hate my new position. I am lonely and separated from everyone. I feel horrible that I am not taking action like I thought I was. My promises to my kids came up empty. I am not giving them more space to run free. Now I spend my days and nights trying to learn where I went wrong in my deductions. Did I plan for the wrong city? Should I just be applying for jobs still? Should we move before the end of the next school year? What if I fail again? What if I can't find a job somewhere else? What if my family is not happy somewhere else? If I can't find a job somewhere else... What is plan B? Stay here? In our tiny space? With the unbearable heat? And no outdoor space for our children to play? And constant frustration over parking? And fail my children even more? Plan B is definitely a cold back up plan. It is only slightly more appealing than staying here. I feel like I'm frozen in time now...waiting for the window of light to unveil this mysterious timeframe to start our plan to move again. This time I can't let it fail. I can't let this sit just solely on whether we get a job or not. This will have to be a: we move no matter what, situation. And then I feel another pang of sadness in my heart, because this is where I am successful. Yet I still failed in some way. I am still not providing a good home space for my kids. This burdens me and I can't seem to shake it. I need.......something. My kids need........something. I need time with them. All of this time I have spent working so hard to provide a home, has not been time spent with them. Now my heart aches for both sides of the coin. For not providing a good home space, AND for not being home with them. Now I feel like I not only need to guarantee a move, but now my heart wants to be home with them too. I can't do all of this. I don't know how. I don't know how to guarantee a roof over their head and have me home all the time. Now it is November again. This year I have money to have a party for my son. My sister is coming to visit and stay in my little home. I fear I will be judged again, for having worked so hard to get here. I am struggling with where I should aim my focus. I am torn between feeling good with my job and feeling bad for my home.

Of Electricity and Currents

I have been asked before if I am a christian. I am what I like to call "A Pleaser". for those people whom I do not hold near and dear to my heart I answer questions in a way that I know you want me to answer. The people that I hold close don't ask me questions they don't want answers to. I always answer the same. "I believe in God". Most people nod their head and say "oh well then yes your a christian". I smile to them and carry on with whatever we were doing or talking about. What I want to say is: I believe in Electricity, and magnetism, and sound; on all vibration levels. I believe in different levels of reality that I can't understand nor is it tangible. I believe in the soul. I believe in MY soul. I believe in the laws of probability, and the language of math; though just to be clear I speak Spanish better than I speak math. What I don't believe is the bible says what it was meant to say 5000 years ago. I don't know who created the human, nor do I care. I do believe that religion was created to control people and make money. It was a great business venture that still works to this day. The bible is an interesting read. It has some really great points that if you so choose to live by them you could do great things. You know the ones: Don't Lie, Don't Cheat, Don't Steal. Do unto others as you would have done to you. Basic life rules that if you kept them at the forefront of all of your interactions with every living thing you would be happy. The air, water, earth and all that it encompasses is my God. When I pray, I am praying (or trying to focus my thoughts) on a certain sound level. We are all tiny atoms or cells inside a huge body. There are millions of bodies. We are an electric signal passing our spark to other electric signals. The moon affects us because of the magnetic pull. Our tides also get pulled by the power of the moon. That is more powerful that I can even grasp. Even when I am watching the tide rise and fall. The heat from the sun is felt by every thing on this earth. Except the deepest darkest depths of the ocean; it is its own world within our world. Everyone needs to feel like they have a purpose. Life is challenging enough without the sense that your soul is an unnecessary spark that is not needed. Cancer is one cell that mutates instead of reincarnating as a regular healthy cell and instead starts to infect and help mutate the cells around it. Sometimes the mutating cell is surrounded by healthy happy cells and the one bad cell is left to live out its life and reincarnate into either a healthy cell or a mutated cell again. Sometimes though the other cells hold strong and the electricity that feeds the cells become a regulated current instead of power surges through the system. We each have to be strong and not become infected by the mutated cells that are around us. We all need to understand that we might be the cells that make up the heart, and never know it.

      This is a hard concept to grasp in the day to day living of life. Having a job doesn't fit with a cell floating in an electrical current, nor does money. In my next post I will give some examples of life and all of the "stuff".