Between Deaths Doors

     The days leading up to my moms death were tough. I didn't know death was so close, waiting outside the front door. I thought I would have a little more time. More time and opportunity for my mom to give me some last tidbits of info or advice, to forgive me for those things she had stayed so angry about for so many years. To tell me she loved me and regretted not being able to stay longer. But that last one wasn't true. She could have and chose not to. 

Sitting here 5 years after her death, I still feel so much anger for her leaving, for her wanting to leave. For her not even thinking about fighting the cancer.

I was at work and my dad called. He said mom hasn't gotten out of bed yet today. I talked to her, she was breathing hard. She said she just couldn't catch her breath and was tired. I called hospice and asked them to send a nurse out. I remember driving to the house to check on her. She was short tempered and wanted to be left alone. I tried to help. She didn't want help. I went back to work.

 I returned home after work with the kids. The nurse was still there. My mom never got better that day. I should have come home earlier. The nurse said she had been giving my mom morphine and it had been helping my mom calm down. I went in to see her. Hoping to comfort her or maybe to be comforted, I guess from her. Hoping for reassurance that she would be ok. Hoping she would say she regretted her decision to not try and fight. Hoping again for those last words of love. One last hug. Instead she was irritated, and snappy. I tried to offer my hand for comfort and tried to hug her. She pushed me away. she didn't want to be touched. My mom said to the nurse and I that she wanted to use the bathroom. She said she had been waiting for me to get home so I could help them. The nurse and I lifted mom out of bed, my mom barking orders and letting us know all the things we were doing wrong or too slow. We got her into the bathroom and on the way out of the bathroom, she decided she wanted to brush her teeth. I tried to tell her that she was turning purple and needed to rest. Inside I was panicking. Knowing I was watching my mom dying right before my eyes.  She lashed out, her voice cutting through me like a knife.  Her angry response, The tone of her voice, her words; the blade so cold I could feel myself turning cold. Well Shit, Rachel. Nothing I did in that moment was acceptable. There was no moments of sadness, or thoughtfulness. Just a lashing out at my being. 

Death was in the house. Maybe she knew it was close. We got my mom back to bed. She sat on the edge of the bed gasping for air. Her concentrator humming loudly in the room. it was up as high as it would go. My moms lips were a deep purple. Her eyes wide open. She was leaning forward and then back on to the bed. Lifting her arms above her head and lowering them again, flailing around as the panic set in that she couldn't breathe and couldn't catch her breath. Her eyes were darting wildly back and forth. I tried to talk to her, tried to offer my hand on her arm for comfort. She swatted it away. I could see the nurse wince from discomfort of having to witness this. The nurse touched my arm and said I should go check on my kids. I turned to my mom and tell her I will be right back. I hope in that moment I still have time. Time to have one last conversation with my mom. One last meaningful interaction. One last chance for her to impart something for me to carry on with. One last hug, one last I love you. Anything. I would take anything. 

My dad is sitting on the seat of his walker outside on the back porch. I take the kids out there and I tell the three of them that mom isn't doing well. I know it will be soon, but I don't know exactly when. I am in a fog. I dont know if I want to puke or cry. My dad looks straight ahead into the yard. "Well this happened so fast. I didn't think it would be this fast." He says. Tears welled up in his eyes, but never crashed over the edge. I felt in that moment my emotions coming in and out like waves lapping over rocks, anger, sadness, guilt, heartbreak. I felt numb. I wanted to cry and sleep at the same time. 

The nurse comes running out to the porch. "I think she is dead. Your mom is dead." 

"Are you sure?" I ask. She didn't seem sure.

"You should check"  she says to me. 

This is not a moment I would wish on anyone.

I walked into the room and my mom was laying there, still on her side facing away from me. No longer heaving her chest up and down trying to get enough air. I walk over to her, and the life is drained from her face. It is a gray color that only death can bring. The image burned into my memory like a branding iron on flesh. A wound that will never heal. A part of my soul that will never be the same again. I feel her wrist and her neck. I already know, but I check anyway. Her skin has already started to cool in just those few short minutes. Death had came and taken her away before I could even say good bye. Before she would let me hug her, before she was willing to hug me one last time. My whole soul shattered as I stood there. the finality of it, this, this one moment. shes gone. My brain on autopilot I tell the nurse, yes she is indeed dead. The nurse has tears streaming down her face.

 I feel dead inside. I have nothing. There is nothing there. I comfort the nurse in that moment as waves of guilt and shame roll through me like thunder. How am I not feeling anything I think to myself. 

I step out onto the back porch. I tell my kids and my dad that she is gone. I hug my kids and then I turn to my dad. I need help in that moment, support, love, comfort, reassurance. A hug. Anything. I need my dad. I get nothing.

"Well that's too bad" he says. We should call Michelle. I choke down my anger in that moment. I want to push him off his walker, kick him in his shins. slap him. There is nothing, no sentiments of how much he loved her, not even an I am going to miss her. No tears. 

 I look over at kids they are not crying either. I feel lost in that moment. What do I do now? We call my sister and tell her. She is crying so deeply, heartbroken her mom is gone. All I see every time I blink is my moms dead gray face. I try to comfort my sister but it is a blur. Anger and heartbreak rising and falling in my chest.

The nurse lets us know the mortuary will be there within 2 hours to get the body. 

My dad turns to me and asks "hey you said earlier that you might go out to eat, is that still on the table? I am hungry and would like to go" 

I stared at him is disbelief. I could not believe the callousness of the words falling from my dads lips. I didn't know what to say in response. I look around me hoping to find something to guide me. A guidepost to let me know my reaction is appropriate. There is nothing. I have no guidance. its just us. "Dad they have to come get the body before we can do anything." I say, still in disbelief. I didn't even feel like me in that moment. My brain in fog, my body felt numb, but my chest hurts as waves of emotion continue to crash into me. 

The kids and my dad want to go inside. I tell them I will check to make sure the door to the room is closed. I step into the house and look in the direction of the bedroom. I feel the searing of the branding iron to my memory as I see my mom on her back with her mouth gaping open in a way that only happens after death has arrived. Her eyes sunken deep into her eye sockets. she is a ghostly grey now. An image that stays directly behind my eyelids every time I close my eyes and think of my mom. 

The mortuary people arrive. The first man that does the talking is a very large man. He tells me don't watch as we take the body out its not pretty. I didn't really know what he meant. I always thought they took them out on stretchers. or a backboard in a body bag. I ushered the kids and my dad back outside to wait in the cool April evening air. I shouldn't have looked, they warned me. I didn't know. They were each carrying one end, but the body had slumped into the middle of the bag. folded in ways only a dead body can. They were right, I shouldn't have looked. Another searing image to haunt me from the branding iron to my memory. 

I wasn't hungry, but I knew my kids were. I felt numb, like nothing really mattered. We all went to Ihop after they took my moms body away. I felt rolling thunder  claps of shame and guilt crashing through me as I heard my stomach growl. How can you be hungry at time like this? I ask myself. This is why you are fat you know. I admonish myself. I sit and stare at the man across from me as he eats. There is a stoic silence at the table that only I seem to notice. I watch him as he eats his food almost happily, content. How can a man who just lost his wife eat so happily? why can he not offer me any words of comfort? No happy memories of mom? He says through his bites of food, that he will sleep better tonight without my moms snoring and oxygen concentrator running. I am at a loss for words. That's true I mumble, angry at myself instantly for not defending her. I stopped eating half way through my plate. My stomach no longer growling, the exhaustion of the day settling in. I push my plate away. You are going to finish that right? my dad asks with a tone of admonishment, finally making eye contact with me. I feel like I am five again, having been starving for so many hours only to be forced to eat a huge plate of food until I felt sick to my stomach. I feel my body and brain go cold and numb. "Yes I will finish it", I reply. By the time I am done I feel sick to my stomach. The comfortable ache of familiarity. That's what you get for being such pig  I can hear my own voice tell me. You get what you deserve my friend the voice continues to chime in. I swallow hard to choke back the tears, as the kids and my dad finish their meals. The rest of that night is lost on me. I could not tell you how I got home. I remember nothing from the rest of the evening. It was late, that's all I know.

The next morning I got up with the kids and went about our day like any other day, guilt and shame hitting me in the gut every few steps. I honestly didn't know what else to do. I felt so numb. Going to work felt like putting on a comfortable pair of jeans. The mask of happy work boss was easier than staying home. I got home from work early that day. All of the hospice equipment was already gone. My dad was elated. He bragged about how much room he had now and how he could store more stuff there. I felt like I got punched in the stomach. This was my mom. The person I had called 2-5 times a day, every day, for years. And he is HAPPY.  The callousness of the man in front of me left me speechless and more heartbroken. The man in front of me was supposed to have loved my mom. 

The numbness, the emptiness, the hollowed cavern where my soul used to be seemed frozen in time. I felt dead inside. Untethered to this world. 

Days leaked into months, I changed jobs, aged a year, spent hundreds of hours and dollars trying to get my parents house cleaned enough to AirBNB it; finally renting it to a young couple. I made my dad breakfast every morning before continuing on with my day. My dads cancer continued to eat at him.

December arrived. The AC units already taken out of the windows, and the cold air at night were the only things really announcing winter. The last few days the pain from his cancer had gotten worse. He missed a dialysis visit. I was lifting him out of bed, rolling him to the bathroom and back, lifting him back into bed. I had requested antibiotics for a UTI, but they were slow to arrive. I called again and a third time. Finally after a week they were here. I didn't know death was already in the room waiting. 

I awoke and went to make breakfast for my dad. I usually could hear his bed rising up, but lately he had been sleeping a little later. I made his breakfast and carried it into his room. I started talking to him before I even opened the door. "Hey dad, good morning, I brought you breakfast, are you up yet?" I fling the door open with a big smile on my face, only to find Death had already come and gone. He had already taken my dad. Stolen him before I could say good bye, before I could hug him. Before I could tell him I loved him. I didn't think I could break any further until that moment. 

I did not check his pulse as I had my mom. There was no nurse here that needed reassurance of her assessment. The image of him laying there imprinting onto my brain. My dad, ghost grey and his mouth hung open in that awkward only in death way. I said to no one out loud: Oh you are already dead. I didn't know. Im sorry. As if I was interrupting deaths last act. I step out of the room and back into the kitchen. thankful in that moment that I am alone and I do not need to figure out what emotion I should or shouldn't be expressing. It doesn't matter anyway. I have felt dead inside for a long time at this point. I call hospice and the mortuary. I diligently do not look this time as they remove the body. Hospice comes and gets the bed and just like that both of them are gone. The room is empty again. No secret envelopes with letters telling me they loved me. No words of wisdom imparted to me before death. Just me standing there alone between deaths doors. 

Photo by Luigi Boccardo on Unsplash

The Old Lady Part 2

It was a crisp cool day in November. The sun was shining, but the air was cold and biting. The leaves that remained on the branches, still clinging to Autumn, were almost all turned yellow and red, but they were still there on the tree limbs. I was walking down the sidewalk on  a quiet street lined with trees and townhomes, headed into town for lunch.
I saw an elderly woman walking slowly up ahead of me a ways. I drifted off into thought for a few minutes.
I came back to reality as I got closer to the old woman. I did not want to startle her so I slowed my pace a little bit. She was carrying a blue reusable grocery bag, and a little brown purse in the crook of her right elbow. She wore a nice navy blue peacoat and white pants. I continued my slow pace behind her. As we approached the next grouping of townhomes, I looked up at them. They were brown with small windows upstairs and down. There was a little porch for each one, and a small concrete walkway that cut straight to the sidewalk. As we approached the first walkway the old lady turned and shuffled onto the concrete walkway. She glanced up towards me and made eye contact with me. I guess she could hear me behind her.
All of the sudden she let out a loud cry!
AHHH!.
OWW!
She gripped her elbow, and held it tight against her. She looked up at me as I trotted up to her. "What happened?" I asked....trying to assess the situation.
"Oh my elbow, it slipped out of socket!" She said. She moved her hand away from her elbow. Even through the thick blue peacoat, I could see the arm extend a little too far down at the bend of her elbow.
"Let me help you with your bags." I said.
She let me gently pull her bags off her arm. She shuffled up the step to her door, and with her left hand she fished around in her pocket and found her house keys. She got the door open and we stepped inside.
It was a small place. The entrance to the stairs was right in front of me. To my left was two closed doors and to my right was the living room. The old lady shuffled into the living room past the couch to the chair that was already pulled out at the table. There was an old man on the couch. He was dressed in a suit and his head was resting on a pillow on the arm of the couch. He had a black hat on and it was pulled down over his eyes.
"You just put those bags on the floor there."
She pointed to kitchen floor just around the corner of the room. I walked the bags over, trying to be quiet for her napping husband.
I turned toward her and said "do you want me to call an ambulance for you?"
She shook her her head, no. "If you could just help me get my coat off, that will do just fine."
I walked up to her with my back to the old man asleep on the couch. I was helping her stand up from her chair, when I felt something behind me. I turned around and the old man was standing behind me; towering over me by a solid foot. I gasped and started to apologize for waking him, when I realized he was not old. I stared at him for a few seconds as my thoughts started to process what was happening, and the fear started to rise in my throat.
My mind started to race through a million thoughts trying to reason with myself and calm the panic I was starting to feel. I continued to stare at him, unsure of what to say. My mouth was dry, I could feel my fingertips tingling with fear.
"I...I.........I am s..sorry I woke you up" I stammered. My voice cracking a little as I tried to get the words out.
He said nothing. He didn't move. He was standing so close to me I could feel the exhales of his breath through his nose. His eyes were still, and cold, his face was emotionless.
I tried to step back and felt my leg hit the chair behind me. I finally remembered the old lady and slowly turned to look at her.
She was still old. She stood there with a slight smirk in her face, at least I think it was a smirk. She was still holding her elbow as if it hurt, but she didn't say anything.
"Is this your son?" I asked. My voice shaking a little. "What is going on?" "I should get going." The words were tumbling out of my mouth as a sinking realization started to wash over me.
I look at the man, then back to the old lady. I see the flash of the knife in the man's hand. I felt the knife sink into my gut.

I step aside and look at me standing there. This is how that life ended. I had wondered if the answers were in the moments leading up to my death, or if I would have to work backwards from here. I took another step away from the man. I am happy he can't see me this time. I watch my body slump to the floor. I write down a few notes in my notebook.
I step out of the townhouse. I take a deep breath. I hated the cold air for lifetimes after this. I hated to shiver, as if that was what led me inside the townhouse. I start to walk back up the  street. The portal to the next life I am studying is ready.

THE REST OF THE STORY

 I stood there for  awhile staring down at my body lying on the floor. I tried hard to move my fingers and toes. I felt like I was breathing yet it was effortless. But I could not get myself back to being on the floor. I watched the man wrap my body up in a tarp and carry me out of the room. I watched him carry me down the stairs to his basement. I started to feel more panic as I start to realize I might not connect to my body again. This might be it. I I start to float higher like a hot air balloon. I start yelling and kicking and screaming and grabbing at the air. Nothing happens. No sounds, no sensations besides my fear anger, and sadness. I scream and cry until I just can't anymore. I must fall asleep as I am floating, because when I wake up I am in a room with a movie theater size TV. 

The first person I see, I walk up to and ask, "can you hear me?" 

He turns to me and says "yes of course. Welcome to the other side of the veil. How are you feeling?"

"Like shit" I reply. "How do I get back to ....earth?" as I motion toward the screen. 

"Oh that takes a little time. There is the planning room down the hall."

"I don't want to plan, I want to go back to the one I was just at." I reply. 

"Oh, he says quietly . you can't, you died. Your body died." 

"But what if I am never found? I have to stay connected somehow. I need to be sure my parents know what happened to me. Its not fair, I need to tell them."

"The communication area in down the hall, but good luck its REALLY loud on earth. Nobody hears anything down there." The person says.

I take a deep breath and walk down the hall. I see a sign that says communication center, I push the double doors open. And the room seems infinite. I can't see the end of the room nor the sides. The room is full of people, screens and keyboards clacking. There is someone standing by the doorway. I walk up to them, and say "I need to get a message to my parents. apparently I died on earth and I need to make sure my body is found so my parents will be ok. Can you help me?"

"Of course" the person replies. He walks us down a path between the computer stations until we reach an empty one. "Ok how to I use this?" I ask. 

"Well you find the person you want to send a message to and then you use different things around them to send them a message. If you need to search for person you don't know, you can ask here in this section. Good luck, people there can't hear much." "Yeah, I heard that already." I say. 

I sit down and type in Mom. I zoom in and can see my mom and dad sitting on their couch. They don't know I am gone yet. ugh. Ok, how to I tell my parents I am dead? 

I start typing into the communication box: mom, can you hear me? I hit the enter button and wait. I don't really know what I am waiting for. My mom picks up her phone and looks at it. "She hasn't called yet tonight, I'm surprised." she says to my dad. He shrugs and says "well she is probably working or hanging out with friends. You can't expect her to call every day."

"I know" she says with a sigh and puts down her phone. I type in the box: call me and hit enter. I wait for my mom to respond. nothing. Mom, call me. I type and hit enter. I wait again. My mom picks up her phone. "I'm just gonna text her." She types a message to me. Somehow I am able to zoom in and read it. Hi its mom, just checking in. love you. She hits send. I see the image zoom to my phone. Its sitting on the table in the house I just died in. I feel cold and sick to my stomach. I see the man pick up the phone. He must have unlocked it with my fingerprint. I see him start to respond to the message. 

"NOOOOO!!! STOP!!!! "I scream at the screen.

 Love you too mom, im super tired tonight, just chilling in bed. He hits send on the message. My moms phone dings. She picks it up and reads it. She smiles and says "oh honey you were right, she is at home." I start typing furiously into the communication box. Mom that wasn't me that was someone else. I never go to bed right now. I didn't put a heart emoji at the end of my sentence you have to know that's not me MOMMM!! you have to listen to me! I hit enter on the keyboard and wait. and wait, and wait. Nothing. My mom and dad get up and go to bed after the movie they are watching. Ok think think think. Who else can I tell. Ooh my friend jessica. I type in her name and she appears on the screen. Jessica can you hear me? I type and hit enter. She is at dinner with friends from work. nothing. I hear static. Ok this isnt working. I get up and go back to the person at the entrance.

 "I can't get anyone to hear me. What do I do now?" I ask. 

"Well you can wait until morning and try again." 

"OK do I need to go sleep or eat or something?" I ask. 

"No" the person laughs. "you just scroll the timeline. you can move it back and forth. Its not linear here."

 I went and sat back down at the screen. I had the next few days off from work so there would not be any red flag there. My main hope was my mom. I typed into the box: mom can you hear me? I died, I need you to find me. I hit enter. The words swirled around on the screen and turned into what seemed like random images. This must be my mom's dream. It's me driving in a car telling her I'm dead. in the dream she is crying. Fingers crossed she understands the message. I roll fast forward on the timeline to morning. She gets up and looks at her phone. she looks again at the message from my phone. Good morning, can you call me? she texts and hits send. She turns to my dad and tells him she had a bad dream and doesn't feel good. He gets up and says he will grab her some coffee. The man who killed me turned off my phone. The message to me stayed on delivered. Mom went to work. I typed messages to her all day. Just static responses. As she left work she opened her cell and called me. The phone went straight to voicemail. The static stopped. I started typing again. Mom please check on me. Go to my house. She called my dad and said she was going to run some errands before heading home. Instead, she drove to my house. I can't tell if she heard me or not. I see her calling the police. Everything seems to move a little faster. they search the house. the officer takes notes. I fast forward through a few days. The Detective seems to be on the right path to finding me. He keeps driving past the house I died in. I just need to figure out how to tell him. I seemed to get my mom to understand. She keeps telling the detective I didn't run away, didn't do drugs, and that I must be held captive in a house somewhere. 

I zoom in on the detective. He is studying the case file. I start typing Hi can you hear me? It's me, the person you are currently looking for. I'm in a house. I hit enter and wait to see if he can hear me. There is no static, so I am hoping he can. The person that helped me with the computer walks up behind me.

 "You know you can click on items in and around the person you are trying to communicate with and use those if they have energy flowing through them."

"Oh like the TV?" I ask. "Yes." he says. 

I click on the TV. I type in the box: I'm in a house. Can you hear me? The next commercial is a hearing aid commercial with a man in front of a house that has the same colors as the one I died in. I start to get excited as he stares at the TV. Maybe he gets it! I think. He grabs his phone and opens his texts. He starts typing Hey! we should get a house soon, I just saw a commercial that reminded me that  I wanted to tell you that. He hits send and puts his phone down. I heave a deep sigh and turn to the person helping me. 

"Is all communication this hard?"

The person nods. "Yes, it can be challenging until you find someone who truly hears. Keep trying, maybe some of the message will get through."

 I spend the next week, then month, then three months typing messages to the detective. I tried to give him the address, I showed him the color of the house, I sent basement images. He noticed everything yet didn't put anything together. I even got clear tarps to fall in front of him at Home Depot. The address was on every license plate, the cost of gas. My mom seemed to have heard me and kept insisting I was inside someone's home. He even pulled over IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE I DIED IN to respond to my mom's text. I watch in anguish as the direction of my parent's lives shift completely. 

I sit back in my chair and think. It's been months since I left. No one is understanding the messages. It's like charades and pictionary together with a wall in between the players. Who else can I try? I think back to my time on earth. I snap my fingers. John Edwards! I type his name in. Meeting room 4 is the message that pops up on my screen. The person from the door way comes over to me. "Follow me" the person says. I get up and we walk through a door that didn't seem to be there a few minutes ago. There are hundreds of people in the room. There are seats but people are milling around.

 "What is this?" I ask. 

"Everyone hopes to get a message through. People like John Edwards tune in and everyone starts typing at once. If the person they are connected to on earth is near to him their message gets bolded. He can hear it better." The person explains. "Ugh, ok so if the detective or my mom isn't seeking him out he probably won't hear me." I say dejectedly. "Unfortunately yes," the person responds. "Are all of them like this?" I ask. "The big psychics. Yes." The person replies. 

"Have you tried spirit guides yet? sometimes they are more successful."

"No" I reply. "What's a spirit guide and where are they?" 

"Follow me" the person says. We walk through the room and exit into another large open area. It looks like a bunch of starbucks lounge areas, with groups of people at each one. Some of them only have 2-3 people some have 6-7 people. There is what looks like a hostess stand in front of us. The person motions to come over to it. "Here is where you can look up the group. Let's type in Mom and hit enter." The person explains. The group in front of us seems to morph into a different group. "This is your mom's spirit guides."

 I walk up to them. "Can you get a clear message to my mom?" I ask. "We can try. What is the message?" One of them asks. "I can be found at 628 Jefferson street in the basement." I reply. 

"Oooooooh That's tough." one of the group says. "Super clear details are very hard to get through. We can get the 6 and Jefferson but the rest gets lost. We will try though."

"Ok, thank you." I reply. I walk back to the hostess stand and type in the detectives name. I watch as the groups blend and change until the group in front of me is clear. I walk up the new group and ask, if they are the spirit guides for the detective. "Yes ma'am" they reply in unison. "Can you get him a message?" I ask. They all break out in hearty laughter, "Have you met this man?" one of them asks. 

"No, I have only seen him through the veil." I reply. 

"We have been trying to give him guidance on your case. so far, no luck."

"Do all of his cases ask for help?" I ask. 

"No, some are happy to cut ties and move on. Some give up, some have other things that weigh heavier on them to communicate with the otherside. We have a few. We keep their case files here and when we feel like there might be a chance he will hear us, we open the file and pull them to us." 

"Can I leave a case file with you?" I ask. "Yes ma'am. Just touch the corner of the table here and it will be here." I reach over and touch the corner and sure enough a grey case file appears on the table. 

I turn to the Helper. "What about a broad search of people that might be able to hear me that know either my mom or the detective? Can I find them and send a message?" The person points back to the desk I was at. "Just zoom out. It will show you if anyone near them can hear you."

 I go and sit back down. It feels like it has been a whole year of trying to get people to hear me but it has only been a few days as far as I can tell. On earth it has now been 6 months. I continue to send messages and practice different ways to get my message across. I try everyone I can think of, and everyone that they know. It all ends up garbled, ignored or mistranslated. I wish I could just step through the veil and write a note. Would they even believe what they saw? 

I need a break. I get up and before I can step away from my desk the Helper is next to me. Come with me the person says. We walk through the big conference room to the other side where the spirit guides gather. We step in and stand in front of the hostess station. "What are we doing here?" I ask. "I am tired and ready to give up. It might be time. I left my case file with the detective and I have done everything I can to get through to my mom."

 The person turns to me. "You can always leave an impression here and move on. But it is not as strong of a signal when there is communication."

 "OK" I sigh. 

"There are people who work on cases outside of the detective and there are people that can hear their spirit guides better than others. This group here is the spirit guides for someone named Rachel. This is Roger. he communicates most frequently with her."

 I walk up to him. "Roger, you are able to talk with someone on earth?" I ask a little incredulously. "How? they don't understand anything."

 Roger laughs "that is true." He says with a strong italian accent. "I don't know how Raquelle understands me but she does. She ignores me on purpose, often, but can still hear me when she chooses."

" Can you tell her to find me?" I ask. 

"I can." Roger replies. "She will not be able to find you immediately. She is working on opening up the channels needed to be able to execute missing person searches properly."

 "What does she need?" I ask. "How long until she is ready? Why can't you just tell her my name?" I ask. "What is your name?" Roger asks. 

"I'm......um, my name is....." I turn to the helper. "Why can't I remember my own name?" I gasp. "I am...me. I am .....fuck how do I not remember?"

 I turn to Roger and ask "How will you know when she sees my case?"

" Oh I have a map" says Roger. "It will send a signal. I will call you as soon as she looks at it."

 "Has she found anyone yet?" I ask.

 "Wellll, so the problem is I have been prodding Raquelle to start looking for people her whole life, but things came up and we are back on track. She has reviewed and studied many cases. There is an entire room full of people that are awaiting her skills to be utilized."

 "What is she doing now? Can I talk to her?" I ask. "Do I need to go to my computer to speak with her?"

 "No" Roger replies. "She can hear you now. She is driving. and listening."

 "Tell her I am waiting for her to find me, so I can be set free."

 "She heard you" Roger replied. 

I sit down and take a deep breath. I guess now I wait. 

Finding Grandma Bertha

 Time to talk to Grandma Bertha.

Deep breath. Currently sitting on the couch with my feet up typing this out on my computer. Becoming aware of my heartburn. 

Heart starts to beat a little faster. Maybe I should bring Roger with me. Feeling a little dizzy now. It is time. Kids dad just got back with groceries. 

(gets distracted for a little bit.)

Back to writing, attempting to focus, kids talking.

Focus, deep breath. just kidding I cant breathe with this smell in here.

(More time goes by) 

Ok, i'm gonna try again.

(A little while later)

The smell is dissipating a little. Now I will retry this. Ugh...it is hard when people are around to concentrate.

Deep breath.

(SEVERAL HOURS LATER!)

Finally hours later silence in the house, generic background noise playing on the tv. 

Sigh. It should not be this hard to focus. I get up from the couch open the door to the train station. walk down the stairs. 

(Distracted again for another 15 minutes)

 Continue to walk down the stairs and pull open the door slowly. I step onto the platform and let the door swing shut behind me. I stand there for a long time, paused in space and time. 

(Another interruption)

Anyway, back to the train platform. Deep breath. The Spring flowers are still dropping petals, and the warm breeze still pulls the air around me. I step up to the platform waiting for the blue time travel train to arrive. I can feel the rumble under my feet before I can feel the breeze pick up. With a loud whoosh the blue and white train is rushing through the station. 

I think out loud to myself, "ok, Grandma Bertha you wanted me to come visit you , here I come."

 I close my eyes and reach my hand out in front of me. As soon as the tips of my fingers touch the blue I am pulled into the train and am now floating in the train. I wonder where I am supposed to get off the train. I close my eyes and reach out my hand to the left of me. I feel a hand grasp mine and I immediately stop. I open my eyes. I am standing on a dirt path with open Fields all around me. Grandma Bertha is standing in front of me smiling. There is a wooden cabin a ways behind her. 

"Rachel you are here. You arrived sooner than I thought you would. I figured it would take you a few days."

"Yes I am here. I should have been here yesterday." I say with a chuckle.

Grandma Bertha turns away and starts walking towards the cabin. There are two rocking chairs on the porch. We walk up the stairs and we both take a seat in the rockers.

"Why am I here, Grandma?" I ask.

"I need to be sure you are listening my dear." 

"Listening to what?" I ask.

"Listening to your mother, me, Roger, and Heartsong." 

"Ok, what am I supposed to be hearing?" 

"Let us take a moment to reflect, shall we?" says Grandma Bertha.

"Sure." I reply.

"42 years, 6 cycles. To be completed in October. Circles within other circles. 7 years of writing, which you saw and noted. what other cycles can you think of my dear?"

"Umm,  6 years since  I moved, 3 years since mom died. She would be 80 this year. Um I don't know,  I can't think of others. Why?"  I ask.

"Well my dear it is important to know the past circles to better see the future circles. You have many goals, and some require bigger circles than others. They cannot all follow the same timelines. It is important to see where the lines cross. you also have many gardens to tend, my dear. Things do not grow without time and energy."

"Ok, Grandma, I hear you, but which things are circles and what things are gardening?"

"The earth and the stars are able to be seen and felt at the same time by everyone." Grandma Bertha says. 

"Ugh ok, I know that I have not been active enough in *doing stuff* around the house, with the kids. Is this what you are talking about?"

Grandma Bertha sighs. "My dear I am not angry with you. Please know we are here to help you."

"How can you help?"" I ask.

"Ahh, that is why we are here my dear.

Every morning you can come here and chat with me. we can figure out what needs to be done, And I will offer ways I can help. It will be you who decides if it is helpful or not. Check in with Roger at night if that helps. He will also offer suggestions and ways he can help. In your mind you can see it, now you must physically create it. all of it. it will heal your soul. your soul does not heal first. It is in the action that you find peace. Not before or after. But you must see and understand the circles, and tend the garden."

"It feels like a lot Grandma. I need to learn more and more and earn more and more, It is never enough." I say dejectedly.

"It is you that deserves more my dear. and while it often feels empty to be the one providing your own needs it is important to know that you already know your worth. and you know you can, and will do more. Your soul deserves to feel the love of being seen and heard."

"Remember the healing is in all of the action. not just the thoughts. I will leave you to enjoy the view and rest for a little. Please come see me tomorrow."

I watch Grandma Bertha get up and walk off the porch and disappear into the sunlight. I close my eyes and feel the warm sun and breeze blow over me. It is so quiet out here. 

I get it. The part of me that refuses to move, refuses to create action is afraid. I don't know what of at this point. Maybe change. I sit back into the rocker and gently rock back and forth. Happy to not be sitting in fear at the moment. Is change that scary? Is my fear of failure that strong? my lack of trust to be able to re-create the small success I have created? I feel like it took me 40 years to get here at this moment, and I don't have another 40 years to re-create exactly this. The weight of failing to create security for my kids leaves me with sheer panic. Anything to not jeopardize the current security they have right now. The feeling of being selfish for wanting more, for thinking beyond the kiddos. This feeling leaves me frozen unable to do anything. even the things I need to keep my physical and mental health good. Thinking out loud I say to myself, "I will try to draw out the circles and see what comes up." 

NEXT DAY

Let me go find grandma Bertha and talk to her.

I swing the door open and trot down the stairs. Fling the heavy door open and step onto the train platform. The train arrives quickly. I confidently stick my hand out in front of me, and step into the train. I take a deep breath and hold my hand out to my side. Still unsure where I am supposed to find Grandma Bertha. I feel her hand and I am pulled from the train. We are back at her wooden cabin. Sunny quiet, peaceful. 

"Hi Grandma, I did what you asked. I made some circle diagrams. can we talk about them?"

Grandma Bertha laughs, "of course! Let us go sit down first." We walk up the porch and I sit in the same rocker as yesterday. 

"Tell me more about your drawings my dear."

"Ok will I drew out the time lines that I could think of. and I found patterns in the 5s and 7s."

"Were you able to extend any into the future? Not really only the LVN one that looks like it will be 2 cycles instead of 1."

"Tell me dear, if you could know anything from the future, what would it be?"

"Ummm, lotto numbers?"

"What else my dear?"

"Will I feel happy?, Will I fall in love? will I ever do investigative work?, Will I have the financial success I dream of? Will I lose weight? Will I finish my house? Will I move to Italy, or somewhere else?"

Grandma Bertha sat silent for awhile as thoughts and judgments whirled around in my head.

She turned to me and finally said: "Yes my dear IF those are your true desires. Let us work through them. 

1st: Feel happy..of course. your soul is starting to lighten the load and the actions are going to light it more. 

2nd: yes when you are ready, when he is ready. When? I do not know at this time. We can chat about this particular one in a separate time. 

3rd: There is nothing stopping you but energy, distraction, and action. two of those will create the third.

4th: we shall see. The actions are important. CAN you? Yes. The dreams of what that looks like should be harnessed, noted and then realized.

5th: Yes, again the actions are there. We will get there. I see you heard all of my and Rogers promptings this morning.

6th: of course. This takes time and....action my dear. And money of course. Focus on the steps, you are doing great.

7th: You will live in all the places that you dream of. Even if only for 6 months. 1 year. regardless of financial "success". No fretting. You will have this.

How can I help you today? On this day my dear?"

"Can you ask my mom how she is? I cant see her or hear her. I miss her deeply, and want to feel like she is close when I know she isn't." 

"Your mother is well. She is healing from the life and cross over. She is wanting to connect, but is still very quiet. She also understands the duality of you and your sister. You want to connect and not have it seen or heard by your sister. Her intuition is strong and she connects beyond a level of most. We will need to revisit this later my dear. Please spend a little time with Roger today to help with the weekend."

I look over and Grandma Bertha is already disappeared from the rocking chair. I stand up and am instantly sitting in my living room again.

After talking to Grandma, I realized that I have felt abandoned yet again by mom even in death. I had thought I would feel her close to me, and if anyone was going to appear it would be her. I am angry that I haven't felt her. 

The Field of Screens Part 1

Conversation with Roger:

Him: "Hello Racqele"

He still has his Italian accent, and says my name in Italian.

Me: "Hi Roger, how are you?"

Him: "I am as good as you." He says with a chuckle.

Me: "Sorry it has been so long since I checked in."

Him: "it has been busy, you have been listening well without need to interrupt."

ME: "Last time I wrote our conversation  down, we were going to start navigating through the field of screens. Did we do that?"

Him: "Oh yes, the Field of Screens. Let us review the path to see where we are. Come with me."

ME: I get up off the couch and follow him down the stairs in the kitchen. We stand on the train platform again. It is no longer Fall in the train station. It is Spring with pink flower petals swirling around. It feels warm and smells like honeysuckle. 

"This is different." I say to Roger. As I am looking around. "It has always been fall when I am here."

"Yes," he says wistfully as he stands here with his hands in his pockets. "This is nice for you to be here at a different time. It is good for the soul. The train is coming are you ready to go?"

"Yes, yes I am."  I say, as I turn towards the tracks.

The blue and white light can be seen glowing in the distance down the track. And before I can soak in the feeling it is here, zooming through the station. 

"Let us go now Racqele," says Roger as he holds his hand for me to hold on to.

We step into the zooming light and off we go. I never stood in the blue light train before, but this time we paused. It feels like water without the wetness. it is thick but not constrictive. 

Roger turns to the left side of the train and steps off, pulling me with him.

We are standing at the edge of a grassy knoll. It is warm and sunny outside. 

"Let us go" he says again and starts walking away from the train. As we crest over the knoll we can see there is a valley down the hill in front of us. the field is filled with the screens. all with pictures or images on them like short movies or picture slides.

We walk until we are in front of the first row. 

"Can you see the images clearly on the screen?" Roger asks.

"No," I reply. "They are very bright. I can see the colors. But that is all."

"It is OK, please close your eyes," Roger says. I sigh, "OK" I respond, and close my eyes. 

"What color did you see before you closed your eyes?" he asked. "Dark Pink," I reply. "With some white rounded lines."

I can feel him pull me over a few feet until we are standing in front of different ones in the same row.

 "I want you to open your eyes and then close them again and tell me what colors you see," Roger says.

I open my eyes and see a dark green green color with the same white rounded lines. I close them again and we move further down. 

"Open them again," says Roger. I open them again and I see static. 

"This is good," says Roger. "You can keep them open now. We will go back to the ones you can see the colors."

We walk back down and stand there looking up at the big screens.

"What can you see?" I ask Roger.

"I see turmoil, money and happiness. Usually work, home and family. and not in that order all the time. 

Let us step into the Field of Screens and go to the next row," Roger says.

We walk past the first row of screens until we are standing at the next row. 

I see all dark muted colors. Brown, blue, maroon. All matte like colors. I tell Roger this.

"Oh yes," he says. "Turmoil again. we shall continue."

"These next few rows are all muted colors. We shall continue through." Roger says.

I look at all the screens as we slowly walk through the field. I can see the colors changing as the images flash on the screen. I need more practice to be able to see things more clearly when I am with Roger.

We are about half way through the field and we stop.

"This is where we are in the field," Roger says. 

"What do I need to do to finish the Field of Screens?" I ask.

He waves his hand in the air. "There is time that needs to pass, and things that need to be completed to continue."

"Like what?" I ask. 

"Well, Racqele you cannot see the screens. we come here more and practice and we will move faster through the screens."

"What happens after the screens?" I ask.

"When you spoke to your Soul, she told you, that is where a new journey begins with another soul. Maybe a boat ride across a lake, or a swim in the water. Or a picnic where you both pause and enjoy the view."

Roger points to my left and waves. there is a woman walking towards us in a long lightweight dress, with her hair in a bun. 

"Hello Rachel, how are you my dear?"

She sounds like my Aunt Arloa. I met her before, it is my Grandma Bertha. 

"Hi Grandma, I am good," I reply. 

"You always have so many questions, but never want to hear the answers." She laughs as she says this.

"Yes, I want to know everything that is going to happen until I can, then I don't want to know." I chuckle as I say it, knowing how silly it sounds. 

"You can ask questions if you have any right now," she says.

A thought flutters through my head, but I don't say it.

She laughs..."yes, you will. If that is a decision you make." 

I didn't even say anything. I say.

"You do not need to." she replies.

"Should I?" I ask aloud, as a follow up to the first unspoken question.

Be so busy you don't have time to question it. Grandma Bertha says.

"Fill you day from sunrise to Sunset, with activity." "This", she motions to the screens "is not of your phone or computer. You built this to help you see more clearly."

"Do all the things you need to, to make sure Roger and I are right there. You keep us away, my dear. Heartstrong too. You have learned well that our help, and guidance does not guarantee perfection, or absence of sadness or loneliness. But if you allow us to lift you up, you will feel the extra strength and guidance we can provide."

"Thank you Grandma." I say quietly. 

"Can I really do all of the things I want?" I ask, little incredulous. 

"Yes, all of them." Grandma Bertha says. "IF you keep your mind body and soul healthy."

"Come talk to me tonight. Let us help you align with what you need to be able to get what you want."

Before I could respond again she was gone. 

I turn to Roger and look at him. "What do we do now?" I ask. 

"Well we are in the beautiful Italian countryside. would you like to see the town?"

Before I can respond we are standing on a cobblestone road in front of a small Italian looking restaurant. I stand in the middle of the roadway and swirl slowly around soaking in the sights all around me. 

"I love it." I whisper.

I turn to Roger. "What do I need to work on?" I ask. 

Trust. Roger says. 

Together

As I got up from the kitchen table, Roger stood up as well. I felt nervous showing him the time travel train station in my basement. This is the kind of thing that freaks people out. I took a a deep breath and walked over to the door. Today the stairs were brightly lit. For the first time I spoke words while I walked down the stairs. "I painted the scenes on the walls to make it brighter in here" I said to Roger, who was behind me. "I love them" he said quietly, as he gazed up along the walls and the ceiling.

At the bottom of the stairs I heaved the big heavy door open, and stepped aside as I let Roger walk past me into the room. I let the door swing shut, as I stood there in silence.
 "There is no train right now." He said.
"Where do you want to go? Do we pick? Or does the train pick for us?"
 "It depends on if you have a purpose, or just want an adventure" I replied.
"Which shall we do today?" He asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know." I responded.
"A moment in the past has already been lived, and a moment in the future is one of many possibilities. Let us travel to another world." He said. "Let us meet your ancestors."
"Ok" I replied. We stepped up to the platform; we could feel the wind starting to blow gently. Then we could hear the rumble of time and space moving.The tunnel started to light up in blue. With a blast of air the tunnel was filled with bright blue light zooming past us.
Roger grabs my hand, "Come with me I will show you where to go."
We step into the blue zooming light train and immediately step off onto the other side. I look around but everything appears blurred. "Can you see ok?" Roger asked, seeming to know that I could not see.
"It is blurry, everything is really blurry." I said.
 "Keep my hand I will lead you." We start to walk and I can feel the ground crunching under my feet. I can see blurry objects moving around me, and I can feel a breeze on my neck. We stop walking. A blurry image stops in front of us.
"This is your Great Grandma Drake" Roger says to me. "I cant see her." I reply.
"Close your eyes." Roger said. "Take a deep breath. Can you hear her?" I shut my eyes and breath in.
"Hello Rachel." Says a crackly old voice. "Yes I heard that." Roger laughs........"you can respond to her. She can hear you and see you."
"Hi Grandma Drake. How are you?" I ask.
"I'm dead." She responds, and her and Roger start laughing. I join in the laughter as well.
"Well, its nice to meet you, I'm sorry I can't actually see you", I say after the chuckles have subsided. "Don't be scared of me, I'm here to help." I can hear the crackly voice say as her voice  starts getting quieter.
"Roger I can't even hear her very good" I say to him. he pulls me closer to him, I can feel him lean in next me. "Can you hear me ok? he asked. "Yes, now keep your eyes closed and you can hear her too." "I'm here to help" I can hear her clearly say. "Help with what " I ask.
 "Help with......" her words seem to drown out again."
"Thank you Grandma" Roger says. "OK for now" she replied. I open my eyes, everything is still blurry, though I can tell she is not in front on me anymore. I turn towards Roger. "Who else am I going to meet here today?"
"We will come back in a week," Roger says. "Come with me." We walk a little ways, then we step though what looks like a veil.
"Do you recognize this?" Roger Asks.  Everything is clear. We are standing at the edge of field with thousands of TVs on stands all playing something different. "Yes, this was from my dream, after the long amount of time walking through the dark woods. My soul showed me that this, would be after that. She said something about how these are all choices and outcomes." I look over at him, thankful I can see him clearly in this light.
"This is what we navigate this week. Together."

Photo credit:Photo by Antonio Grosz on Unsplash

The Mood

I get up from my chair in the kitchen and walk to the door leading down to the travel platform. I open the door and and take a deep breath in. I can smell the sweet smell of flowers and cut grass. I walk down the stairs to the heavy wooden door at the bottom of the stairs. I pull it open with a heave and step onto the cool platform. I haven't been here for  awhile. I look around and wonder why. I realize in that moment I haven't spoken to my soul in a long time. I close my eyes and try to clear my mind of my thoughts and fears. I want answers to questions I haven't thought of, I want to know, until the moment arrives and then I don't. I wistfully dream of a million different variations of my future, and don't know where to grasp onto.I want to know that life has more than what I am currently taking and creating. What do I want? and what does that look like? So many ways to reach the same....destination? Feeling? Apex? A collection of experiences? What am I dreaming? What am I reaching for? What is missing? Do I really want to travel with the kids everywhere? I want them to feel secure...and see the world...I want to not be tied to a corporation...Business? I want to work from home? Alone? everyday? So I can go crazy in my own head?

I could feel the wind blowing and leaves were floating trough the air around me... all of them have different images of the thoughts in my head. I look up and see more leaves falling and swirling around me. I stand there and let the thoughts fall around me. The leaves start to gather on the ground, with gusts of wind picking them back up again....I reach out my hand to see if I can catch any leaves...as if I want to control at least one of my thoughts. The leaves evade my grasp as they sway through the wind.

I start to think about everything I have now...the blessings, the feelings, the smiles, the laughter, the cuddles, the friendships, the family, the loneliness, the tiredness, the pressure, the regret, the fear, the searching, the wishing, the planning, the freedom, the constraint, the silence......

The leaves continue to fall with all of these recognizable images in them as they mix and mingle with the other leaves. I can feel the emotions of each thought as they fall to the ground. I lean over and pick up some of the leaves off the ground...some of them still have images, some have words carved in them. Expectations, fear, guilt. I pick up a few of the expectation leaves. I can't even see the images that were on them when they fell from my mind. I crumble the leaves as they turn to dust and fall to the ground. I bend over and pick up a few more leaves with words on them. Fear, guilt, regret. I cradle them in my hands before I crumble them into dust in my palms.

The leaves with happy current moments, and images of people, stayed close to my feet where they fell. I looked further around me...there were piles of leaves everywhere. I picked up a hand full of leaves and looked at the images that were on them. People I didn't recognize, places  I  haven't been. The futures emotions are not very different from the ones I feel now. The same words are carved in the future leaves, as they are in the current leaves.  I pick up another handful of leaves as the other pile drops from my hands and drifts to the floor. I look closely at the ones in my hands. I find one that has an image of me on it. I stare at the leaf for a few moments and let the leaf slip out of my hand and fall gracefully to the floor. I turn and walk away from everything and head back through the heavy door and up the stairs.

Freedom

I drop my keys on the desk. This is it, this moment has been a long time coming.

The last six months I have been working tirelessly on my websites. Everything feels so synchronistic. I checked my bank account this morning before I left work. I made more money last month than the previous six months combined. When I get to work my boss calls me into her office. The paper is sitting there. I already know that she is trying to discipline me for something unnecessary. She is rattling on about something, I'm not listening. My mind is calculating the things I will lose today. My heart is calculating what I will gain today. I had imagined I would do both jobs for a few years. I would create a secure, stable income from the websites first. Now I am standing here on the precipice of change, the brink of freedom.
I think about all of the tasks I am supposed to complete today. I think about the way people are going to react about my decision. I think about the people that are going to judge me, and the people that are going to feel like I am leaving them behind. I start to feel a twinge of doubt. My mind starts to convince me to pick the keys back up again.
I look at my boss, she has stopped talking, and is staring at me, waiting for me to respond to a question I did not hear. "I don't know" I answer, unsure if that will answer sufficiently. I start to feel panicked. I cant decide which way to go. My mind is screaming at me to make it work, to take my time, to plan it out. My heart is whispering at me to take the leap.
 I think to myself "jeez universe, help me out here". My phone dings. I turn the phone over and read the text. A call off for PM, another ding before I can even look away. A full time person just quit. My mind starts to wander to the schedule. Who is going to take of these people tonight? Who is going to find coverage? The phone dings again. Another call off. "OK universe, I get the message, no more call offs" I think to myself.
I look back at my boss, she is still rattling on about some report and how she is sure she told me about it.
I take a deep breath. I look at my phone. I delete the texts, I clear the call history, and I lock the phone. I set it on the table next to my keys.
She hands me the write up, mumbling the usual "please read and sign". I take it from her, and turn the paper over. I scribble my official statement noting that I quit, as of today. I know I am forfeiting my PTO. I don't care anymore. I turn to my boss, and hand her the paper.
"Good luck, you had two staff members call off tonight and two are quitting as of right now."
She stares at the paper as I turn and walk out the door.
As I step out into the sunshine, I finally realize what freedom felt like.

At The Movies

My friend set me up with a blind date. I'm not sure why I agreed, but I did. As I stood outside of the movie theatre my mind was racing with excuses on how to get out of the date, excuses how to leave early, and a thousand critiques of my flaws thus giving him a reason to leave early. I heaved a deep sigh as I checked my phone again.

I was standing outside the theatre waiting for him to arrive. I knew he would be wearing a blue shirt, but other than that, my friend didn't want to tell me anything else. It felt like everyone was wearing blue that day.

A movie attendant came out of the building and walked up to me. "Are you Rachel?" She asked.
"Yes" I replied. Instantly thinking he had called the theatre and cancelled.
"Your date is already in the theatre." She smiled, "Follow me" she said, as she turned around and headed back into the theatre.

I followed her in the main doors, and to my surprise we continued down the hall to a theatre. She pulled the door open and we walked up the ramp into the room. There was already something playing on the screen, but I couldn't tell if it was a movie or an advertisement. The theatre was empty with the exception of a man in a blue shirt in the middle of the sea of seats. I turned to say thank you to the attendant, but she was already gone.

Well, I thought, this it, I'm either in, or, I'm out. I walked up the stairs to the row he was sitting in and walked down to the seat next to him and sat down. The movie that was playing was dark and I couldn't see his face very well.

"Hi" he said. "You can call me what ever name you like, I am from the future and I cant tell you my real name."
I looked over at him as the lights changed again so I couldn't see his features.
"Why are you coming to see me here?" I asked. "Do I know you in the future?"
He laughed, "Of course you do. I wouldn't be here with you if we didn't know each other in the future."

"Why are you here?" I asked again.
"I came back because I didn't want you to doubt. In the future you talk a lot about this time in your life. That you doubt in your self of creating the life you want. You talk about how you don't think you will meet me. I just want to ease the doubt."
I sat quiet for a minute. "Yes I do have doubts, I cant see it, so it feels impossible. The life I want, the love I want." I looked down at my hands. " I feel lost most days, and some days, stuck. Most days i am not lonely, but when I do feel it, it lays on me like a heavy blanket."

"We build the life together. That is why it is so hard for you to imagine what we create. You cant read a mind you haven't met yet." He said quietly.

"When do I meet you?" I asked.
He laughed again, "you know I cant tell you that, it will screw up the timeline. You are the one who taught me that!"
"Why did we meet here at the theatre?"
"We met here because I wanted to show you some movies. These are parts of our lives that we have created. Just me coming here will alter some things in our timeline, but nothing drastic. These videos are parts that don't change. Are you ready to watch them?" He sat silently staring at me waiting for me to answer.
I sat in bewilderment for a few moments. I looked up at the screen, and noticed it was paused. I look over at him, "Ok, I am ready" I replied with a smile. I sat back in my seat, and faced the movie screen, as he hit play on the movie of our future life.

As the movie ended, I felt a pang of sadness in my chest, and it rose into my throat. "Its perfect." I said quietly, as a tear rolled down my cheek. He gently wiped the tear away.
 "Yes, and it is ours" he replied softly. "I don't learn how to time travel until after I meet you, you will have to find me. I am sorry for that." His voiced cracked. I looked up at him to see he had tears rolling down his cheeks too.
"What should I be doing now? Is there something I can be doing more of to meet you sooner?" I asked.
"Honestly, I don't know." He replied. "I don't want to mess up the timeline. My time is up to be here with you, I have to go, I'm sorry."
 He wiped his tears away and stood up and walked away. Before he reached the door of the theatre he disappeared. I stood up and walked out of the theatre, and out into the sunlight. I looked back at the theatre, and as I was about to turn and walk to my car a man approached me.
 "Hi, are you Rachel? I'm Ted, your blind date!"

Dig Deeper

"Dig Deeper" She said.

"I don't know how much further I can go" I replied, as I lifted another shovel full of dirt out of a gaping hole in the ground. 

It was dark out, it was the darkest out. There was no moon, a heavy layer of clouds blocking the light of the stars, and we were hundreds of miles away from civilization. 

We had hiked almost an hour into the hills, from the car. We had started hiking right as the light of day was turning gray.

"Dig deeper" She said again. "Just keep digging. you will know when you find it".

I look up at her, though I cant see anything, I can feel the dirt on my face, I am sweating, even through the cold night air. She is standing at the edge of the gaping hole, I am assuming, peering down at me.

"I don't even know what I am looking for, how can I know, if I don't know? This is crazy!" 

We had been out here for what felt like hours. The night air had turned from the warm of evening to the cold of night. Through the sweat I could feel the chill in my bones.

"You just have to keep digging, we wont leave until you find it." She said insistently.

"This is ridiculous, I am frickin tired of digging." I mumble under my breath.

Shovel, after shovel I continue to dig.

"There is nothing down here" I say exasperatedly

" I don't even know what I'm looking for!"

"Just keep going, keep digging deeper" she said calmly from the comfort of the surface above me.

THUMP. 

The shovel hit something hard, and hollow.

"Do you have me out here digging up a grave?!" I yell to her. "I am NOT digging up a dead body!"

"It is not a dead body" she laughs. "Just dig around it until you can get it out."

I  shovel on the sides until I don't feel the shovel hit anything, I finally get the box cleared of the dirt. I lift it up, it is heavy, with dirt stuck to it. I hoist it above my head as high as I can. "Here, grab it" I grunt as dirt falls in my face. I feel the box lift off my hands. I brush off my face and climb the dirt wall out of the hole.

It feels so dark out, I can hardly see my hand in front of my face.

"How are we going to make it back to the car tonight, with no light?" I ask.

"We don't, it is almost morning, and we can stay here until then."

I shiver at the thought of sitting out here all night, but I am too tired to fight with her, let alone even respond. I curl up on the cold ground and stare into the darkness.

I must have dozed off, laying on the cold hard ground, because I was awoken by the sun shining on my face.

I sit up, and sit in front of the box. It is wooden, with a lid that looks nailed down. I try to pull the lid off, and to my surprise it came off with ease. I set the lid down and peer inside the box. it is full of pictures and figurines. I look at each of the pictures. I stop at one. It is not a picture but maybe a postcard. It says the word resentment on it in bold letters. I set it down, and continue to sort through the items. A lot of them have pictures of someone that looks like me, but is not me. They are all in different eras, ages, and locations. I lay them out so I can see all of them. There are other postcards too, they say Love, Hate, Permission, and Dread. 

I pull the figurines out of the box next. They look like little angels with different emotions. One looks sad, one is dancing, One is thinking, one is sleeping, one crying, one is angry, one is happy. I stand them up in between the cards.

I look over my shoulder, "Sister, what the hell does all of this mean? What is this? How did you know we would find something?"

"Great Grandma told me." She said quietly, as she stood behind me, looking at the spread of items on the ground. "She said they were trinkets, treasures, and tribulations." 

I look into the wooden box again, at the bottom are some other small trinket looking items and they were sitting on some drawings. I reach in to pull the first trinket out. It is HEAVY. Like Thor's Hammer heavy. I stand up to get leverage and using both hands I pull this small thumb size trinket out of the box. I look at it, it is a silver bird cage. I drop it on the ground with a thump. I reach in and grab the next item. It is also small and immensely heavy. I pull it out and look at it. I cant tell at first what it is. It is a cleaver. I drop that one on the ground. I look in, three more to go. The next one looks like a blade of grass. The next one is a picture frame, and the last one was a heart. 

I pull out the drawings. They are changing images as I look at them. there are three papers with changing images on them. They slowly morph from one image to the next. I set them down next to the photographs.

"Sister, what are we supposed to do with all of this?" I ask.

"Well,  I guess we  are ready to head home. Pack up the box, it is coming with us." 

The Search for Heartsong

She climbed onto her horse and adjusted the reins. She was riding out into the woods in search of Shaman woman named Heartsong. The sun shone directly above her, she could feel the horse starting to sweat through his jet black coat. There was no saddle, or stirrups, just a blanket laid across his back. Her ranch was at the edge of the mountains, sitting on the valley floor. It would be cold at the higher parts of the mountains, so she made sure to pack an extra blanket in her backpack.

She had not spoken to Heartsong in many years.  It would be difficult at best to find her in the woods. She thought back to yesterday morning, she was sitting in the diner drinking coffee when her friend Janea sat down and joined her.
 "You know Heartsong is out there" Janea said as she sipped her coffee.
 I looked across the table at her and said "I haven't seen her in years, there is no way I could find her." Janea smiled "If you listen, you can find her. She is quiet, but not so quiet you cant find her if you look". "All right" I said, I will head out tomorrow and see if I can find her". "Where was she spotted last?"
Janea Responded "I'm sure she is among the trees".

As Jack started to trot across the field, her mind started to wander in thought. She wondered what Heartsong would say, would she recognize her. Jack slowed as they reached the trees, the horse and her headed into the woods. She rode all day and into the evening, winding through trees, across clearings, around rock outcroppings. She started to wonder if she could even find Heartsong. She was ready to make a camp for the night and start fresh in the morning. As she headed into a clearing she could see the glow of a fire. She rode cautiously up to the fire. It was Ranger Rich.
 "Hey Rich! What are you doing up here in the woods?"
 Rich said "I heard you might need some help finding Heartsong, so I figured I would come out and scout it out before you got here." She climbed off of Jack and sat down in front of the fire. She was happy to have the company out in the woods.
"Alright Rich, what am I looking for?" She asked. "I have searched everywhere today, I couldn't even find a trace of Heartsong anywhere."
Rich laughed "Rachel to find Heartsong, you have to listen to the sounds of her speaking. It is subtle, you have to listen beyond the clopping of the hooves, and the roar of the wind. It is in the leaves falling, a rock settling further into the ground. That kind of subtle."
"Thank you Rich." She replies. "I will listen carefully tomorrow so I can find Heartsong and speak to her."

The next morning when she woke, she sat still and listened to the sounds around her. Rich had left before dawn, and all that remained of the fire was ash, and coals hiding underneath. She decided not to ride Jack today, she would just lead him. She decided to climb over the ridge so the wind would not be so loud. The sun met her on the ridge and she could could feel the warm glow seeping into her skin. She stopped in a small clearing away from the wind, Jack was not moving around. She closed her eyes and listened.
 "Hello Rachel."
She opened her eyes and looked around, she could not see anyone. She thought she heard someone say her name, but now it might have the whistle of wind.
"What do you want to ask me?"
She kept her eyes closed and tried to focus on the voice. It was so quiet, she could not tell if she was actually hearing it or imagining it.
"Heartsong, is that you?" Rachel asked.
"Yes it is I" Heartsong responds.
"Why don't you speak to me anymore?" Rachel asked.
"The wind, and the sea can over power even the loudest voice, I cannot shout above them." Heartsong replied.
"So you just stopped speaking to me? What if I needed guidance? I feel lost. I thought you had died, and turned to stone." Rachel said.
"I have spoken. I have twisted the wind into words, so you could hear. I moved the waves so they could speak to you. You are not lost. You have always followed the guidance I have given. Even when you did not agree."
"What do you want to ask me?" Heartsong repeated  her question.
"What do I really want?" Rachel asked.
"Freedom" Heartsong replied.
"But what does that look like? How do I get that? How much? When?" Rachel rattled off her questions.
"Freedom to receive love, Freedom to spend your time as you desire, Freedom to write what you want, freedom to speak, freedom to travel, freedom to listen to me. As much as it takes to not make you feel I am made of stone. Now and tomorrow and forever on."
"How does that relate to work? I have bills and responsibility."
"You must listen intently. My wisdom is beyond a job. You must not damage yourself to show proof of listening. You must gently follow what warms the heart. A pot does not boil instantly. A heart does not thaw in a moment. Do not fear change, judgments and expectations from others. Do not fear, fear for others. What makes your heart feel warm? Do that."
"What if lots of things feel warm? What if I cant decide?" Rachel asked feeling perplexed
Heartsong responded  "You need to be gentle, gently follow, one small step at a time. Ask for guidance in the moment. It will help with clarity. It is getting cold out here my friend, you must head back home."
Rachel continued to listen intently, but could no longer her Heartsong's voice. The wind was howling now. Rachel had not noticed the storm rolling in. The air was getting colder by the minute, clouds were dark and menacing, she could feel the wind starting to bite at her cheeks. She heard hoof clops behind her. There was Rich on his horse. "What are you doing here?" Rachel asked. "Heartsong said you might need some guidance back down to the valley. I am here to lead the way." HE was holding a big light that looked like a beacon. It lit up the whole area around him. Rachel climbed on Jack and as they both turned the horses around the rain started to fall. Rich's light shone like a beacon lighting a path in front of the horses, all the way down the mountain. They were both soaking wet and shivering as they started across the valley floor.
"I think you can make from here." Rich said, as he turned and headed home. Rachel waved good-night and headed to the stables. She could here the echo of Heartsongs words in her head. "Gently follow what makes the heart warm."

Just a Picture

As I step into the stairwell, I look around. This stairwell used to feel dark and somewhat foreboding. The walls were dark, just one light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and it smelled of old wood and varnish. I no longer fear the door at the bottom of the stair case. Now the walls are white, with bright flowers painted on them. Raindrop shaped lights are hung from the ceiling all the way down the stairs. The door is still heavy, but it has wooden gate with climbing flowers painted on it, so it feels like you are entering into a secret garden. I walk down the stairs and push the door open. I step onto the platform and let the door fall closed behind me.

I pause for a moment letting my thoughts fall around me. What do I want to know? What are my expectations? What is my brain telling me I should see? I watch my thoughts turn into pictures and float to ground around me, like leaves falling in autumn. My urge is to pick them back up and put them in my pocket. I look up at the blue freight train of energy, light and images zooming past me. I step towards the edge of the platform. I look back at the pictures laying on the floor. I take deep breath, I start to feel naked and lost without holding onto everything the pictures represent. Before I convince myself to go get them I reach my hand out and touch the blue freight train. I zoom along for a few minutes. I feel myself tumbling for a little while. I start to focus on where and when I want to go to. I want so badly to know where my pinnacle of success lies, internally. Where all the parts of my world feel fulfilled. Where my heart feels content, and I feel connected to my heart and my soul. I tumble along further and suddenly fall into an office.

I look around. There are big floor to ceiling windows along one whole wall, looking down over a city. There is a blue couch facing the window. There is a desk in the corner to my left. The walls have pictures hanging on them, but no photographs. there is a round wooden table in the right corner of the room. I look around at the table and desk. There are no calenders or newspapers to look at to see when  I travelled to. I look out the window, there is another tall building almost directly across from the window. I look to left and I can see smaller buildings as far as I can see. There are cars driving on the street. They look like regular cars from here, but I am at least 25 stories up. I look around the room again. along the back wall, opposite of the windows there is a door. I open the door and step into the hallway. there are cubicles to my left, that appear to all be empty. On my right are four elevators. I walk up to it and push the down button. The doors open. The elevator is empty. I step inside and look at the button panel. I click on floor one. As the elevator hums down the many levels, I wonder where time took me? What on Earth am I meant to see here? Where am I? The elevator doors open. The lobby is spacious and vacant. I walk to the doors leading outside. I pull the glass door open and step out onto the sidewalk. I stand there just letting everything soak in. The sun shining, the trees, the cars, the people walking past me. I look across the street, there is a small park area to the left. There is a woman sitting on the bench with a man. I walk down the sidewalk towards her, as  I get closer, I realize it is me. I cant actually tell how much older I am. I don't recognize the man, but we seem close. I don't seem to be able to get closer to her. My legs feel heavy. I look up in the sky. I hear a loud wind sound, I see the blue freight train of energy appear in the sky. It swoops towards me and scoops me up, for a brief second I am floating, then I see the platform and I am standing there again. All of my pictures are still laying on the floor. I watch them all turn to ash except one. What do I want to know? I pick up the picture and look at it. It is a picture of me and the man sitting on the park bench. I smile and put the picture in my pocket. I open the heavy door and head back up the stairs.

Conversation #4

I decided to go on the crazier side of things and bought land with a panel house to be built on it. It is all the way out in placerville and it is not complete yet. There are some days that I wonder if this was the correct path. It has been a longer process than my other options would have been.

I climb off the couch and step down the stairs. I open the door and stand in front of the Blue light train. I close my eyes and think about seeing future me and asking about the decision we made. I stick my hand out and close my eyes. I take a deep breath and step in to the light. I open my eyes. It is mid June out in Placerville. I am standing in front of a house that looks complete on the out side. I walk up to the house and open the door. I look around there are appliances in place in the kitchen, but the floor is still wood, with tarp over it. the furniture from out apartment is in the house, but it still has bare walls. I step into the bed room Future me is laying flooring in the bathroom.
"Hi" I say.
She pauses and sits back and takes a deep breath. but she doesn't turn around.
I ask "What do you think of our choice?"
"I never would have done this if  I had got a house that was move in ready. I am learning so much that I would not have otherwise. I  am going to be ready for buying  rental properties when I am done with this because I will know how to put new stuff in. Even if I screw this one up."
"Are the kids happy?"
"They love that they get to be a part of creating our home. The drive is a little much, but we make it work."
"How about the money?" I ask.
"The total amount was ok..we are doing good."
Ok so we are happy?"
"Yes this is great!"
"How did we get the loan approvals for this?
"I really don't know. I just kept trying different things until one of them worked."
"Any advice for what I should be doing all the way back in Feb?
"Still buy the ticket to EOL, still put a deposit for the trip to  Hawaii. You will be disappointed that you didn't and when you realize you still have the money it will be too late."
"Ok thank you!
 "Your welcome" She responds.
 I turned around and went into the kids bedrooms and then the Master bedroom, the kids were asleep in the bed. I turned around and went back outside and walked to the edge of the grass. I stepped into the thin veil and back onto the platform.  Up the stairs and back to my living room.