The Plan

 As I sit here pondering the next 6 months and what I intend on creating, I feel my thoughts and emotions tumbling down the stream bed bouncing off rocks and swirling around, blending into the next fold of water without care. 

What do I want? What do I want to change? Accomplish? Create? Learn? 

What is wrong with what is currently being accomplished, created, learned, received and altered?

Am I being selfish? Crazy, illogical? Unrealistic? Arrogant? 

I carefully pluck each of these words off of me and set them down on the table. 

I take a deep breath in, close my eyes and open them again. I look at the words sitting on the table as each of them bursts into a water puddle and water runs off the edge of the table. 

Roger appears; standing in front of my sliding glass door. He sits down at the table and starts patting his hand on the water puddled on the table splashing everything. 

"Raquel, what is this? you know you can call me like normal people and not pour water everywhere." He laughs at his own joke and then quiets again. 

"You have been doing well Raquel. Every action today echos into the future. Bold changes require bold action, but the proof is in the echos. Let us meet with the OGs and GOATs. They await our arrival." He places his hand over mine and in a blink we are in the conference area we had met before. They are all seated at the table already. The Skeleton Woman speaks first. 

"Do you have your written plan to present?" I turn to Roger and give him a look that says: What plan? written? what did you not tell me? I don't have a plan!

"Raquel has lived in the confines of humanhood for too long to truly articulate her plan. She weighs and measures against pesky things like gravity and the Gregorian calendar." Roger says.  They all chuckle in unison while I give Roger the Side eye. 

"Speak anyway" says Skeleton Woman. 

"Ok, I start. I want to own a Crime lab, and a bookstore, and have search dogs and horses, and a contract with DOJ? FBI? Interpol? to assist with cases. I want to have a presence on the internet via websites, youtube or whatever."..I start to trail off. 

"And?" says Skeleton Woman.

"Um I guess that's it" I reply.

 "You know I can see your thoughts, right?" She says.

"Oh well, now I do ...yes." I stammer.  

"Remember to be whole, your dream must have all 4 pillars AND a foundation. Please continue." Says Skeleton Woman. 

"Ok.....I want financial freedom to pay....Nevermind...just finanacial freedom" I correct myself. "There are those pesky earth limits." I joke uncomfortably.  "I want to travel and provide a stable and secure life for my kids."

I stop talking and pause.

"Go on" says Skeleton woman. 

"Ummmm, I guess I would like to have a partner, a compadre, someone to share this journey with." 

I stop talking again and look at Skeleton Woman.

"Keep going" she says.

"Uhhh ok, I want to trave..  "NO" she interrupts..."Keep going. Remember 4 pillars AND a foundation."

"Um ok," I say.

 I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I have no idea what she wants me to say. I look to Roger for help and he is playing Sudoku. Ugh ok.

Pillars and foundation. 

"I need a clear path, healthy body, happy family and action?" I ask. 

I admonish myself: I didn't mean to form this into a question. I take a deep breath because honestly I cant tell if I am holding my breath or not. 

"Um maybe you can help me with my own thoughts," I say, with a nervous chuckle. I feel my face turn hot as I realize I said this out loud to a table full of literal God and Goddesses.

Skeleton Woman stands up. 

I take a step back from the table. I feel Rogers hand on my back as he pushes me back to the edge of the table. 

Skeleton Woman starts to speak and then pauses. "You need to speak" she says.

"Your foundation is knowledge, love, health and action. Your pillars are family, finances, freedom, and friendship." 

"I am so sorry, I don't know how that helps me" I reply. I look at Roger for support in my confusion.

 "I literally want to create a variety of somethings out of nothing, without the you know...knowledge part of the foundation. I don't know how to learn all of that in one lifetime." I continue. 

This elicits another round of chuckles and outright laughter from the table. 

"You must Speak" says Ganesh. "the Action of speaking out loud TO people will allow us *he motions to the table* to follow the energy lines needed to help you. This is what you called us for correct?"

"Um, yes" I reply quietly. 

The old man stands. "We *he motions to the table* only see the energy. We are not bogged down by peskiness as you put it. You have called us to you, to assist with, for us, a very simple endeavor. YOU my friend carry the heavy shall we say Gravitous burden of creating the energy. "

The old man sits back down. 

"Ok," I reply. "I honestly am unsure where to start, or what the best path is."

Skeleton Woman rises again. "You must speak aloud to people until you are no longer uncomfortable."

I feel Rogers hand on my arm and before I could even blink I was back at my kitchen table. and another blink sitting in my room typing this.

The Old Lady Part 2

It was a crisp cool day in November. The sun was shining, but the air was cold and biting. The leaves that remained on the branches, still clinging to Autumn, were almost all turned yellow and red, but they were still there on the tree limbs. I was walking down the sidewalk on  a quiet street lined with trees and townhomes, headed into town for lunch.
I saw an elderly woman walking slowly up ahead of me a ways. I drifted off into thought for a few minutes.
I came back to reality as I got closer to the old woman. I did not want to startle her so I slowed my pace a little bit. She was carrying a blue reusable grocery bag, and a little brown purse in the crook of her right elbow. She wore a nice navy blue peacoat and white pants. I continued my slow pace behind her. As we approached the next grouping of townhomes, I looked up at them. They were brown with small windows upstairs and down. There was a little porch for each one, and a small concrete walkway that cut straight to the sidewalk. As we approached the first walkway the old lady turned and shuffled onto the concrete walkway. She glanced up towards me and made eye contact with me. I guess she could hear me behind her.
All of the sudden she let out a loud cry!
AHHH!.
OWW!
She gripped her elbow, and held it tight against her. She looked up at me as I trotted up to her. "What happened?" I asked....trying to assess the situation.
"Oh my elbow, it slipped out of socket!" She said. She moved her hand away from her elbow. Even through the thick blue peacoat, I could see the arm extend a little too far down at the bend of her elbow.
"Let me help you with your bags." I said.
She let me gently pull her bags off her arm. She shuffled up the step to her door, and with her left hand she fished around in her pocket and found her house keys. She got the door open and we stepped inside.
It was a small place. The entrance to the stairs was right in front of me. To my left was two closed doors and to my right was the living room. The old lady shuffled into the living room past the couch to the chair that was already pulled out at the table. There was an old man on the couch. He was dressed in a suit and his head was resting on a pillow on the arm of the couch. He had a black hat on and it was pulled down over his eyes.
"You just put those bags on the floor there."
She pointed to kitchen floor just around the corner of the room. I walked the bags over, trying to be quiet for her napping husband.
I turned toward her and said "do you want me to call an ambulance for you?"
She shook her her head, no. "If you could just help me get my coat off, that will do just fine."
I walked up to her with my back to the old man asleep on the couch. I was helping her stand up from her chair, when I felt something behind me. I turned around and the old man was standing behind me; towering over me by a solid foot. I gasped and started to apologize for waking him, when I realized he was not old. I stared at him for a few seconds as my thoughts started to process what was happening, and the fear started to rise in my throat.
My mind started to race through a million thoughts trying to reason with myself and calm the panic I was starting to feel. I continued to stare at him, unsure of what to say. My mouth was dry, I could feel my fingertips tingling with fear.
"I...I.........I am s..sorry I woke you up" I stammered. My voice cracking a little as I tried to get the words out.
He said nothing. He didn't move. He was standing so close to me I could feel the exhales of his breath through his nose. His eyes were still, and cold, his face was emotionless.
I tried to step back and felt my leg hit the chair behind me. I finally remembered the old lady and slowly turned to look at her.
She was still old. She stood there with a slight smirk in her face, at least I think it was a smirk. She was still holding her elbow as if it hurt, but she didn't say anything.
"Is this your son?" I asked. My voice shaking a little. "What is going on?" "I should get going." The words were tumbling out of my mouth as a sinking realization started to wash over me.
I look at the man, then back to the old lady. I see the flash of the knife in the man's hand. I felt the knife sink into my gut.

I step aside and look at me standing there. This is how that life ended. I had wondered if the answers were in the moments leading up to my death, or if I would have to work backwards from here. I took another step away from the man. I am happy he can't see me this time. I watch my body slump to the floor. I write down a few notes in my notebook.
I step out of the townhouse. I take a deep breath. I hated the cold air for lifetimes after this. I hated to shiver, as if that was what led me inside the townhouse. I start to walk back up the  street. The portal to the next life I am studying is ready.

THE REST OF THE STORY

 I stood there for  awhile staring down at my body lying on the floor. I tried hard to move my fingers and toes. I felt like I was breathing yet it was effortless. But I could not get myself back to being on the floor. I watched the man wrap my body up in a tarp and carry me out of the room. I watched him carry me down the stairs to his basement. I started to feel more panic as I start to realize I might not connect to my body again. This might be it. I I start to float higher like a hot air balloon. I start yelling and kicking and screaming and grabbing at the air. Nothing happens. No sounds, no sensations besides my fear anger, and sadness. I scream and cry until I just can't anymore. I must fall asleep as I am floating, because when I wake up I am in a room with a movie theater size TV. 

The first person I see, I walk up to and ask, "can you hear me?" 

He turns to me and says "yes of course. Welcome to the other side of the veil. How are you feeling?"

"Like shit" I reply. "How do I get back to ....earth?" as I motion toward the screen. 

"Oh that takes a little time. There is the planning room down the hall."

"I don't want to plan, I want to go back to the one I was just at." I reply. 

"Oh, he says quietly . you can't, you died. Your body died." 

"But what if I am never found? I have to stay connected somehow. I need to be sure my parents know what happened to me. Its not fair, I need to tell them."

"The communication area in down the hall, but good luck its REALLY loud on earth. Nobody hears anything down there." The person says.

I take a deep breath and walk down the hall. I see a sign that says communication center, I push the double doors open. And the room seems infinite. I can't see the end of the room nor the sides. The room is full of people, screens and keyboards clacking. There is someone standing by the doorway. I walk up to them, and say "I need to get a message to my parents. apparently I died on earth and I need to make sure my body is found so my parents will be ok. Can you help me?"

"Of course" the person replies. He walks us down a path between the computer stations until we reach an empty one. "Ok how to I use this?" I ask. 

"Well you find the person you want to send a message to and then you use different things around them to send them a message. If you need to search for person you don't know, you can ask here in this section. Good luck, people there can't hear much." "Yeah, I heard that already." I say. 

I sit down and type in Mom. I zoom in and can see my mom and dad sitting on their couch. They don't know I am gone yet. ugh. Ok, how to I tell my parents I am dead? 

I start typing into the communication box: mom, can you hear me? I hit the enter button and wait. I don't really know what I am waiting for. My mom picks up her phone and looks at it. "She hasn't called yet tonight, I'm surprised." she says to my dad. He shrugs and says "well she is probably working or hanging out with friends. You can't expect her to call every day."

"I know" she says with a sigh and puts down her phone. I type in the box: call me and hit enter. I wait for my mom to respond. nothing. Mom, call me. I type and hit enter. I wait again. My mom picks up her phone. "I'm just gonna text her." She types a message to me. Somehow I am able to zoom in and read it. Hi its mom, just checking in. love you. She hits send. I see the image zoom to my phone. Its sitting on the table in the house I just died in. I feel cold and sick to my stomach. I see the man pick up the phone. He must have unlocked it with my fingerprint. I see him start to respond to the message. 

"NOOOOO!!! STOP!!!! "I scream at the screen.

 Love you too mom, im super tired tonight, just chilling in bed. He hits send on the message. My moms phone dings. She picks it up and reads it. She smiles and says "oh honey you were right, she is at home." I start typing furiously into the communication box. Mom that wasn't me that was someone else. I never go to bed right now. I didn't put a heart emoji at the end of my sentence you have to know that's not me MOMMM!! you have to listen to me! I hit enter on the keyboard and wait. and wait, and wait. Nothing. My mom and dad get up and go to bed after the movie they are watching. Ok think think think. Who else can I tell. Ooh my friend jessica. I type in her name and she appears on the screen. Jessica can you hear me? I type and hit enter. She is at dinner with friends from work. nothing. I hear static. Ok this isnt working. I get up and go back to the person at the entrance.

 "I can't get anyone to hear me. What do I do now?" I ask. 

"Well you can wait until morning and try again." 

"OK do I need to go sleep or eat or something?" I ask. 

"No" the person laughs. "you just scroll the timeline. you can move it back and forth. Its not linear here."

 I went and sat back down at the screen. I had the next few days off from work so there would not be any red flag there. My main hope was my mom. I typed into the box: mom can you hear me? I died, I need you to find me. I hit enter. The words swirled around on the screen and turned into what seemed like random images. This must be my mom's dream. It's me driving in a car telling her I'm dead. in the dream she is crying. Fingers crossed she understands the message. I roll fast forward on the timeline to morning. She gets up and looks at her phone. she looks again at the message from my phone. Good morning, can you call me? she texts and hits send. She turns to my dad and tells him she had a bad dream and doesn't feel good. He gets up and says he will grab her some coffee. The man who killed me turned off my phone. The message to me stayed on delivered. Mom went to work. I typed messages to her all day. Just static responses. As she left work she opened her cell and called me. The phone went straight to voicemail. The static stopped. I started typing again. Mom please check on me. Go to my house. She called my dad and said she was going to run some errands before heading home. Instead, she drove to my house. I can't tell if she heard me or not. I see her calling the police. Everything seems to move a little faster. they search the house. the officer takes notes. I fast forward through a few days. The Detective seems to be on the right path to finding me. He keeps driving past the house I died in. I just need to figure out how to tell him. I seemed to get my mom to understand. She keeps telling the detective I didn't run away, didn't do drugs, and that I must be held captive in a house somewhere. 

I zoom in on the detective. He is studying the case file. I start typing Hi can you hear me? It's me, the person you are currently looking for. I'm in a house. I hit enter and wait to see if he can hear me. There is no static, so I am hoping he can. The person that helped me with the computer walks up behind me.

 "You know you can click on items in and around the person you are trying to communicate with and use those if they have energy flowing through them."

"Oh like the TV?" I ask. "Yes." he says. 

I click on the TV. I type in the box: I'm in a house. Can you hear me? The next commercial is a hearing aid commercial with a man in front of a house that has the same colors as the one I died in. I start to get excited as he stares at the TV. Maybe he gets it! I think. He grabs his phone and opens his texts. He starts typing Hey! we should get a house soon, I just saw a commercial that reminded me that  I wanted to tell you that. He hits send and puts his phone down. I heave a deep sigh and turn to the person helping me. 

"Is all communication this hard?"

The person nods. "Yes, it can be challenging until you find someone who truly hears. Keep trying, maybe some of the message will get through."

 I spend the next week, then month, then three months typing messages to the detective. I tried to give him the address, I showed him the color of the house, I sent basement images. He noticed everything yet didn't put anything together. I even got clear tarps to fall in front of him at Home Depot. The address was on every license plate, the cost of gas. My mom seemed to have heard me and kept insisting I was inside someone's home. He even pulled over IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE I DIED IN to respond to my mom's text. I watch in anguish as the direction of my parent's lives shift completely. 

I sit back in my chair and think. It's been months since I left. No one is understanding the messages. It's like charades and pictionary together with a wall in between the players. Who else can I try? I think back to my time on earth. I snap my fingers. John Edwards! I type his name in. Meeting room 4 is the message that pops up on my screen. The person from the door way comes over to me. "Follow me" the person says. I get up and we walk through a door that didn't seem to be there a few minutes ago. There are hundreds of people in the room. There are seats but people are milling around.

 "What is this?" I ask. 

"Everyone hopes to get a message through. People like John Edwards tune in and everyone starts typing at once. If the person they are connected to on earth is near to him their message gets bolded. He can hear it better." The person explains. "Ugh, ok so if the detective or my mom isn't seeking him out he probably won't hear me." I say dejectedly. "Unfortunately yes," the person responds. "Are all of them like this?" I ask. "The big psychics. Yes." The person replies. 

"Have you tried spirit guides yet? sometimes they are more successful."

"No" I reply. "What's a spirit guide and where are they?" 

"Follow me" the person says. We walk through the room and exit into another large open area. It looks like a bunch of starbucks lounge areas, with groups of people at each one. Some of them only have 2-3 people some have 6-7 people. There is what looks like a hostess stand in front of us. The person motions to come over to it. "Here is where you can look up the group. Let's type in Mom and hit enter." The person explains. The group in front of us seems to morph into a different group. "This is your mom's spirit guides."

 I walk up to them. "Can you get a clear message to my mom?" I ask. "We can try. What is the message?" One of them asks. "I can be found at 628 Jefferson street in the basement." I reply. 

"Oooooooh That's tough." one of the group says. "Super clear details are very hard to get through. We can get the 6 and Jefferson but the rest gets lost. We will try though."

"Ok, thank you." I reply. I walk back to the hostess stand and type in the detectives name. I watch as the groups blend and change until the group in front of me is clear. I walk up the new group and ask, if they are the spirit guides for the detective. "Yes ma'am" they reply in unison. "Can you get him a message?" I ask. They all break out in hearty laughter, "Have you met this man?" one of them asks. 

"No, I have only seen him through the veil." I reply. 

"We have been trying to give him guidance on your case. so far, no luck."

"Do all of his cases ask for help?" I ask. 

"No, some are happy to cut ties and move on. Some give up, some have other things that weigh heavier on them to communicate with the otherside. We have a few. We keep their case files here and when we feel like there might be a chance he will hear us, we open the file and pull them to us." 

"Can I leave a case file with you?" I ask. "Yes ma'am. Just touch the corner of the table here and it will be here." I reach over and touch the corner and sure enough a grey case file appears on the table. 

I turn to the Helper. "What about a broad search of people that might be able to hear me that know either my mom or the detective? Can I find them and send a message?" The person points back to the desk I was at. "Just zoom out. It will show you if anyone near them can hear you."

 I go and sit back down. It feels like it has been a whole year of trying to get people to hear me but it has only been a few days as far as I can tell. On earth it has now been 6 months. I continue to send messages and practice different ways to get my message across. I try everyone I can think of, and everyone that they know. It all ends up garbled, ignored or mistranslated. I wish I could just step through the veil and write a note. Would they even believe what they saw? 

I need a break. I get up and before I can step away from my desk the Helper is next to me. Come with me the person says. We walk through the big conference room to the other side where the spirit guides gather. We step in and stand in front of the hostess station. "What are we doing here?" I ask. "I am tired and ready to give up. It might be time. I left my case file with the detective and I have done everything I can to get through to my mom."

 The person turns to me. "You can always leave an impression here and move on. But it is not as strong of a signal when there is communication."

 "OK" I sigh. 

"There are people who work on cases outside of the detective and there are people that can hear their spirit guides better than others. This group here is the spirit guides for someone named Rachel. This is Roger. he communicates most frequently with her."

 I walk up to him. "Roger, you are able to talk with someone on earth?" I ask a little incredulously. "How? they don't understand anything."

 Roger laughs "that is true." He says with a strong italian accent. "I don't know how Raquelle understands me but she does. She ignores me on purpose, often, but can still hear me when she chooses."

" Can you tell her to find me?" I ask. 

"I can." Roger replies. "She will not be able to find you immediately. She is working on opening up the channels needed to be able to execute missing person searches properly."

 "What does she need?" I ask. "How long until she is ready? Why can't you just tell her my name?" I ask. "What is your name?" Roger asks. 

"I'm......um, my name is....." I turn to the helper. "Why can't I remember my own name?" I gasp. "I am...me. I am .....fuck how do I not remember?"

 I turn to Roger and ask "How will you know when she sees my case?"

" Oh I have a map" says Roger. "It will send a signal. I will call you as soon as she looks at it."

 "Has she found anyone yet?" I ask.

 "Wellll, so the problem is I have been prodding Raquelle to start looking for people her whole life, but things came up and we are back on track. She has reviewed and studied many cases. There is an entire room full of people that are awaiting her skills to be utilized."

 "What is she doing now? Can I talk to her?" I ask. "Do I need to go to my computer to speak with her?"

 "No" Roger replies. "She can hear you now. She is driving. and listening."

 "Tell her I am waiting for her to find me, so I can be set free."

 "She heard you" Roger replied. 

I sit down and take a deep breath. I guess now I wait. 

Meeting Of the Minds

I sit down at my kitchen table and take a deep breath. I have so many things I need to be doing and instead I am panicking about meeting with a group of Deities that I have called upon to help me with this 7 month container. I look up and look at the sliding glass door leading outside to my backyard. I close my eyes and open them again. It has become a solid white door. I look across the table and my spirit guide is now sitting across from me. He motions to the door without saying anything. 

I get up and walk to the door and open it. I step into the darkened warehouse. The light above the conference table is bright. I go to the chair at the end of the table and sit down. I look down at the papers I have brought with me. I look up and all of the Deities are now sitting at the table. I gasp and jump back in my chair. 

The Dagda raises his hand in a little wave. "We move quietly and swiftly, pardon the surprise. You have something in your hand?"

"Yes, I printed the plan for the container so you could better understand and hopefully explain to me how you all can help and support me during this 7 month journey."

"Please read for us." He says.

"Ok, so there are 4 Pillars. Shadow Work, Witnessing, community, leveraged commitment.

The energy dynamics focus is Intentional Action, Consistent vulnerability, Power-with Boundaries, Finance/emotion/time commitment, Ceremonies/Rituals, Generous gratitude action.

The shadow work: "A willingness to open my heart, inviting deities and cohorts as peers, into the heart space. Seeking their support as witnesses and guides, as we call up our old stories, fears, wounds, and the death-life-death journey of the old."

You are the Deities." I stop talking at this point and put the papers back on the table.

All 9 of the OGs, and GOATs stand up.

The Dagda speaks again. "We are doing ....Shadow work. Are you ready for this next step?" He does a "come here" hand motion towards the door.

Roger my spirit guide steps into the warehouse, and walks up to the conference table.

The Dagda turns to Roger and asks: "She decerns you clearly?"

"Yes she hears me clearly. and does well with separating her internal dialogue and myself."

The Dagda nods. "Very well. Thank you."

"These meetings will need to be done while you are alone moving forward."

He sits back down as does everyone else.

There are the golden goblets in front of each of us.

Hygieia speaks first - "The Depth and importance of self care. What we learned at 12 we will learn again."

Erebus speaks next. - "The Fears will rise, your understanding of your past lives helps greatly. "

Itspapalotl raises her goblet- "The dead shall speak."

Aine places her hand on her goblet- "The gratitude is in the details, we will find them."

Ganesh picks up his goblet- "Its luck when you can't hear the whispers. You must silence the mind."

Soteria leans forward in her chair, and clasps both hands around her goblet, but stays silent.

Euphorsyne picks up her goblet- "Finding joy underneath the darkness. Tulips in the snow."

The Dagda touches his goblet-him and Soteria look at each other. He looks back at me.

Soteria speaks up- "I will guide the protection."

The Dagda joins in- "And I am your accountability. We will meet more often than your sister wrote in the plan. We must see progress. We will let you work with your spirit guides to see clearly the goals to be reached by the end of the container."

With a blink of my eyes they were gone. It was just Roger and I at the conference table. We both got up and walked quietly through the door, back to my kitchen. Another deep sigh as I sit back down at the table.

I turn to Roger, "why didn't Caishen say anything?" I ask.

"He did", Roger replied. "You have some work to do in this area. He held up his goblet and said -Moving the stones of desire and fear open the creekbed to the flow of wealth and water.

You couldn't hear him." Roger says.

Finding Mom

 I take a deep breath as I prepare for my journey with Grandma Bertha. She is confident that she can lead me to my mom so I can talk to her.

I walk down the stairs and open the heavy door at the bottom. The train platform is calm and warm with the sweet smell of honeysuckle. I take a deep breath in smelling the sweetness. I then step up to the edge of the platform and the white and blue light whooshes by at the same time I feel the rumble of its arrival. I step into the train and pause for a moment. I stick my hand out on the other side and before I feel grandma Bertha's hand I step off. She is standing there, arm outstretched. 

She chuckles, "so you are getting better at this my dear." 

She turns and starts walking towards the cabin before I have a chance to respond. I follow her to the porch and we both take our places in the rocking chairs. I am not really sure what to say so I just move my foot up and down and rock in the chair.

 Grandma Bertha chuckles again. "Do you not speak today my dear?" 

"Oh, I am sorry." I reply. "I am a little nervous today." 

"There is no need. are you ready to go look for your mom?"

"Yes," I say with a sigh. "What am I looking for exactly?"

"Well let us get up and explore and I will see if I can explain well enough. It might not be today, but we will look."

"Is my mom lost is that why we have to look for her?" I ask.

"No your mom just does not look like me and you. and you have not connected to people in energy or angel form. I do not know if you will be able to see her. but we shall try. Let us go."

 We get up off the porch and walk to the left. 

"We shall go straight back from the cabin and walk through the field and into the apple orchard." Says Grandma Bertha.

As we step away from the cabin for the first time I see the rows of flowering apple trees with rows and rows of trees.

"Please focus on each step for now. and the grass brushing against your legs and the feel of the sun on your forehead and face. The feel of the slight breeze pulling your hair away from your neck." Grandma says as we walk.

We stop at the entrance to the orchard. The flowers glow with white light barely discernible with the sun shining,

"Are those my mom?" I ask. 

"No, that is the energy in the flowers. It is good that you can see that." Grandma says.

I look at the tree trunks the have orange and red and white light flowing up the trunks now.

"What is that?" I ask.

"Their life force." Grandma replies matter-of-factly.

We step further into the orchard. I can feel the shade of the trees and the slightly cooler temperature of the orchard. There is still grass on the ground but not as high. A dog goes running through the field in front of us. 

"Is that my mom?" I ask, feeling like that book for little kids.

Grandma Bertha laughs and says no.

As we approach what feels like the middle of the field, there is a white ball of light. We both stop in front of it.

"This is her?" I ask.

"Yes this is your mom." Grandma says quietly. 

"Well she is fairly easy to see. She is showing up extra bright for you." Grandma says with a smile.

"I miss her." I say with my throat catching as I say it. I hear what feels like a faint voice in my head say "I love you."

But it honestly feels like it is my own thoughts.

"Mom, can you talk to me?" I ask. 

"Not in the way you are used to." I hear, faintly. like a whisper through the trees. 

"Can you show me how?" I ask.

"Not at this time, but you can come here to the apple orchard. You seem to hear me now."

Poof the white ball of light is gone.

I turn to Grandma Bertha and ask, "where did she go?"

"She is back to being an angel you will get better at this my dear. remember those things you dug up so long ago with your sister? They are still important and we will explore them. You have much careful planning to do, with follow up of action steps."

"Ugh, Grandma it is so hard not to just let myself be distracted by social media." I say dejectedly. 

"You must find a way to nurture the part that wants to be distracted."

"What part is that? I don't even know. I just feel frozen." I explain.

"You are feeling neglected. the most difficult part is that you are doing it to yourself.  you cannot shift everything over night. It is step by step. Your steps these last 4 days have done well. It is very important to take steps every day, but not all of the steps in one day. Please take some time tonight to complete your new work tasks and plan out the rest of this week. With measurable steps. Roger and I are here to help as you allow us to. Let us get you back home, my dear." 

Finding Grandma Bertha

 Time to talk to Grandma Bertha.

Deep breath. Currently sitting on the couch with my feet up typing this out on my computer. Becoming aware of my heartburn. 

Heart starts to beat a little faster. Maybe I should bring Roger with me. Feeling a little dizzy now. It is time. Kids dad just got back with groceries. 

(gets distracted for a little bit.)

Back to writing, attempting to focus, kids talking.

Focus, deep breath. just kidding I cant breathe with this smell in here.

(More time goes by) 

Ok, i'm gonna try again.

(A little while later)

The smell is dissipating a little. Now I will retry this. Ugh...it is hard when people are around to concentrate.

Deep breath.

(SEVERAL HOURS LATER!)

Finally hours later silence in the house, generic background noise playing on the tv. 

Sigh. It should not be this hard to focus. I get up from the couch open the door to the train station. walk down the stairs. 

(Distracted again for another 15 minutes)

 Continue to walk down the stairs and pull open the door slowly. I step onto the platform and let the door swing shut behind me. I stand there for a long time, paused in space and time. 

(Another interruption)

Anyway, back to the train platform. Deep breath. The Spring flowers are still dropping petals, and the warm breeze still pulls the air around me. I step up to the platform waiting for the blue time travel train to arrive. I can feel the rumble under my feet before I can feel the breeze pick up. With a loud whoosh the blue and white train is rushing through the station. 

I think out loud to myself, "ok, Grandma Bertha you wanted me to come visit you , here I come."

 I close my eyes and reach my hand out in front of me. As soon as the tips of my fingers touch the blue I am pulled into the train and am now floating in the train. I wonder where I am supposed to get off the train. I close my eyes and reach out my hand to the left of me. I feel a hand grasp mine and I immediately stop. I open my eyes. I am standing on a dirt path with open Fields all around me. Grandma Bertha is standing in front of me smiling. There is a wooden cabin a ways behind her. 

"Rachel you are here. You arrived sooner than I thought you would. I figured it would take you a few days."

"Yes I am here. I should have been here yesterday." I say with a chuckle.

Grandma Bertha turns away and starts walking towards the cabin. There are two rocking chairs on the porch. We walk up the stairs and we both take a seat in the rockers.

"Why am I here, Grandma?" I ask.

"I need to be sure you are listening my dear." 

"Listening to what?" I ask.

"Listening to your mother, me, Roger, and Heartsong." 

"Ok, what am I supposed to be hearing?" 

"Let us take a moment to reflect, shall we?" says Grandma Bertha.

"Sure." I reply.

"42 years, 6 cycles. To be completed in October. Circles within other circles. 7 years of writing, which you saw and noted. what other cycles can you think of my dear?"

"Umm,  6 years since  I moved, 3 years since mom died. She would be 80 this year. Um I don't know,  I can't think of others. Why?"  I ask.

"Well my dear it is important to know the past circles to better see the future circles. You have many goals, and some require bigger circles than others. They cannot all follow the same timelines. It is important to see where the lines cross. you also have many gardens to tend, my dear. Things do not grow without time and energy."

"Ok, Grandma, I hear you, but which things are circles and what things are gardening?"

"The earth and the stars are able to be seen and felt at the same time by everyone." Grandma Bertha says. 

"Ugh ok, I know that I have not been active enough in *doing stuff* around the house, with the kids. Is this what you are talking about?"

Grandma Bertha sighs. "My dear I am not angry with you. Please know we are here to help you."

"How can you help?"" I ask.

"Ahh, that is why we are here my dear.

Every morning you can come here and chat with me. we can figure out what needs to be done, And I will offer ways I can help. It will be you who decides if it is helpful or not. Check in with Roger at night if that helps. He will also offer suggestions and ways he can help. In your mind you can see it, now you must physically create it. all of it. it will heal your soul. your soul does not heal first. It is in the action that you find peace. Not before or after. But you must see and understand the circles, and tend the garden."

"It feels like a lot Grandma. I need to learn more and more and earn more and more, It is never enough." I say dejectedly.

"It is you that deserves more my dear. and while it often feels empty to be the one providing your own needs it is important to know that you already know your worth. and you know you can, and will do more. Your soul deserves to feel the love of being seen and heard."

"Remember the healing is in all of the action. not just the thoughts. I will leave you to enjoy the view and rest for a little. Please come see me tomorrow."

I watch Grandma Bertha get up and walk off the porch and disappear into the sunlight. I close my eyes and feel the warm sun and breeze blow over me. It is so quiet out here. 

I get it. The part of me that refuses to move, refuses to create action is afraid. I don't know what of at this point. Maybe change. I sit back into the rocker and gently rock back and forth. Happy to not be sitting in fear at the moment. Is change that scary? Is my fear of failure that strong? my lack of trust to be able to re-create the small success I have created? I feel like it took me 40 years to get here at this moment, and I don't have another 40 years to re-create exactly this. The weight of failing to create security for my kids leaves me with sheer panic. Anything to not jeopardize the current security they have right now. The feeling of being selfish for wanting more, for thinking beyond the kiddos. This feeling leaves me frozen unable to do anything. even the things I need to keep my physical and mental health good. Thinking out loud I say to myself, "I will try to draw out the circles and see what comes up." 

NEXT DAY

Let me go find grandma Bertha and talk to her.

I swing the door open and trot down the stairs. Fling the heavy door open and step onto the train platform. The train arrives quickly. I confidently stick my hand out in front of me, and step into the train. I take a deep breath and hold my hand out to my side. Still unsure where I am supposed to find Grandma Bertha. I feel her hand and I am pulled from the train. We are back at her wooden cabin. Sunny quiet, peaceful. 

"Hi Grandma, I did what you asked. I made some circle diagrams. can we talk about them?"

Grandma Bertha laughs, "of course! Let us go sit down first." We walk up the porch and I sit in the same rocker as yesterday. 

"Tell me more about your drawings my dear."

"Ok will I drew out the time lines that I could think of. and I found patterns in the 5s and 7s."

"Were you able to extend any into the future? Not really only the LVN one that looks like it will be 2 cycles instead of 1."

"Tell me dear, if you could know anything from the future, what would it be?"

"Ummm, lotto numbers?"

"What else my dear?"

"Will I feel happy?, Will I fall in love? will I ever do investigative work?, Will I have the financial success I dream of? Will I lose weight? Will I finish my house? Will I move to Italy, or somewhere else?"

Grandma Bertha sat silent for awhile as thoughts and judgments whirled around in my head.

She turned to me and finally said: "Yes my dear IF those are your true desires. Let us work through them. 

1st: Feel happy..of course. your soul is starting to lighten the load and the actions are going to light it more. 

2nd: yes when you are ready, when he is ready. When? I do not know at this time. We can chat about this particular one in a separate time. 

3rd: There is nothing stopping you but energy, distraction, and action. two of those will create the third.

4th: we shall see. The actions are important. CAN you? Yes. The dreams of what that looks like should be harnessed, noted and then realized.

5th: Yes, again the actions are there. We will get there. I see you heard all of my and Rogers promptings this morning.

6th: of course. This takes time and....action my dear. And money of course. Focus on the steps, you are doing great.

7th: You will live in all the places that you dream of. Even if only for 6 months. 1 year. regardless of financial "success". No fretting. You will have this.

How can I help you today? On this day my dear?"

"Can you ask my mom how she is? I cant see her or hear her. I miss her deeply, and want to feel like she is close when I know she isn't." 

"Your mother is well. She is healing from the life and cross over. She is wanting to connect, but is still very quiet. She also understands the duality of you and your sister. You want to connect and not have it seen or heard by your sister. Her intuition is strong and she connects beyond a level of most. We will need to revisit this later my dear. Please spend a little time with Roger today to help with the weekend."

I look over and Grandma Bertha is already disappeared from the rocking chair. I stand up and am instantly sitting in my living room again.

After talking to Grandma, I realized that I have felt abandoned yet again by mom even in death. I had thought I would feel her close to me, and if anyone was going to appear it would be her. I am angry that I haven't felt her. 

At The Movies

My friend set me up with a blind date. I'm not sure why I agreed, but I did. As I stood outside of the movie theatre my mind was racing with excuses on how to get out of the date, excuses how to leave early, and a thousand critiques of my flaws thus giving him a reason to leave early. I heaved a deep sigh as I checked my phone again.

I was standing outside the theatre waiting for him to arrive. I knew he would be wearing a blue shirt, but other than that, my friend didn't want to tell me anything else. It felt like everyone was wearing blue that day.

A movie attendant came out of the building and walked up to me. "Are you Rachel?" She asked.
"Yes" I replied. Instantly thinking he had called the theatre and cancelled.
"Your date is already in the theatre." She smiled, "Follow me" she said, as she turned around and headed back into the theatre.

I followed her in the main doors, and to my surprise we continued down the hall to a theatre. She pulled the door open and we walked up the ramp into the room. There was already something playing on the screen, but I couldn't tell if it was a movie or an advertisement. The theatre was empty with the exception of a man in a blue shirt in the middle of the sea of seats. I turned to say thank you to the attendant, but she was already gone.

Well, I thought, this it, I'm either in, or, I'm out. I walked up the stairs to the row he was sitting in and walked down to the seat next to him and sat down. The movie that was playing was dark and I couldn't see his face very well.

"Hi" he said. "You can call me what ever name you like, I am from the future and I cant tell you my real name."
I looked over at him as the lights changed again so I couldn't see his features.
"Why are you coming to see me here?" I asked. "Do I know you in the future?"
He laughed, "Of course you do. I wouldn't be here with you if we didn't know each other in the future."

"Why are you here?" I asked again.
"I came back because I didn't want you to doubt. In the future you talk a lot about this time in your life. That you doubt in your self of creating the life you want. You talk about how you don't think you will meet me. I just want to ease the doubt."
I sat quiet for a minute. "Yes I do have doubts, I cant see it, so it feels impossible. The life I want, the love I want." I looked down at my hands. " I feel lost most days, and some days, stuck. Most days i am not lonely, but when I do feel it, it lays on me like a heavy blanket."

"We build the life together. That is why it is so hard for you to imagine what we create. You cant read a mind you haven't met yet." He said quietly.

"When do I meet you?" I asked.
He laughed again, "you know I cant tell you that, it will screw up the timeline. You are the one who taught me that!"
"Why did we meet here at the theatre?"
"We met here because I wanted to show you some movies. These are parts of our lives that we have created. Just me coming here will alter some things in our timeline, but nothing drastic. These videos are parts that don't change. Are you ready to watch them?" He sat silently staring at me waiting for me to answer.
I sat in bewilderment for a few moments. I looked up at the screen, and noticed it was paused. I look over at him, "Ok, I am ready" I replied with a smile. I sat back in my seat, and faced the movie screen, as he hit play on the movie of our future life.

As the movie ended, I felt a pang of sadness in my chest, and it rose into my throat. "Its perfect." I said quietly, as a tear rolled down my cheek. He gently wiped the tear away.
 "Yes, and it is ours" he replied softly. "I don't learn how to time travel until after I meet you, you will have to find me. I am sorry for that." His voiced cracked. I looked up at him to see he had tears rolling down his cheeks too.
"What should I be doing now? Is there something I can be doing more of to meet you sooner?" I asked.
"Honestly, I don't know." He replied. "I don't want to mess up the timeline. My time is up to be here with you, I have to go, I'm sorry."
 He wiped his tears away and stood up and walked away. Before he reached the door of the theatre he disappeared. I stood up and walked out of the theatre, and out into the sunlight. I looked back at the theatre, and as I was about to turn and walk to my car a man approached me.
 "Hi, are you Rachel? I'm Ted, your blind date!"

Dig Deeper

"Dig Deeper" She said.

"I don't know how much further I can go" I replied, as I lifted another shovel full of dirt out of a gaping hole in the ground. 

It was dark out, it was the darkest out. There was no moon, a heavy layer of clouds blocking the light of the stars, and we were hundreds of miles away from civilization. 

We had hiked almost an hour into the hills, from the car. We had started hiking right as the light of day was turning gray.

"Dig deeper" She said again. "Just keep digging. you will know when you find it".

I look up at her, though I cant see anything, I can feel the dirt on my face, I am sweating, even through the cold night air. She is standing at the edge of the gaping hole, I am assuming, peering down at me.

"I don't even know what I am looking for, how can I know, if I don't know? This is crazy!" 

We had been out here for what felt like hours. The night air had turned from the warm of evening to the cold of night. Through the sweat I could feel the chill in my bones.

"You just have to keep digging, we wont leave until you find it." She said insistently.

"This is ridiculous, I am frickin tired of digging." I mumble under my breath.

Shovel, after shovel I continue to dig.

"There is nothing down here" I say exasperatedly

" I don't even know what I'm looking for!"

"Just keep going, keep digging deeper" she said calmly from the comfort of the surface above me.

THUMP. 

The shovel hit something hard, and hollow.

"Do you have me out here digging up a grave?!" I yell to her. "I am NOT digging up a dead body!"

"It is not a dead body" she laughs. "Just dig around it until you can get it out."

I  shovel on the sides until I don't feel the shovel hit anything, I finally get the box cleared of the dirt. I lift it up, it is heavy, with dirt stuck to it. I hoist it above my head as high as I can. "Here, grab it" I grunt as dirt falls in my face. I feel the box lift off my hands. I brush off my face and climb the dirt wall out of the hole.

It feels so dark out, I can hardly see my hand in front of my face.

"How are we going to make it back to the car tonight, with no light?" I ask.

"We don't, it is almost morning, and we can stay here until then."

I shiver at the thought of sitting out here all night, but I am too tired to fight with her, let alone even respond. I curl up on the cold ground and stare into the darkness.

I must have dozed off, laying on the cold hard ground, because I was awoken by the sun shining on my face.

I sit up, and sit in front of the box. It is wooden, with a lid that looks nailed down. I try to pull the lid off, and to my surprise it came off with ease. I set the lid down and peer inside the box. it is full of pictures and figurines. I look at each of the pictures. I stop at one. It is not a picture but maybe a postcard. It says the word resentment on it in bold letters. I set it down, and continue to sort through the items. A lot of them have pictures of someone that looks like me, but is not me. They are all in different eras, ages, and locations. I lay them out so I can see all of them. There are other postcards too, they say Love, Hate, Permission, and Dread. 

I pull the figurines out of the box next. They look like little angels with different emotions. One looks sad, one is dancing, One is thinking, one is sleeping, one crying, one is angry, one is happy. I stand them up in between the cards.

I look over my shoulder, "Sister, what the hell does all of this mean? What is this? How did you know we would find something?"

"Great Grandma told me." She said quietly, as she stood behind me, looking at the spread of items on the ground. "She said they were trinkets, treasures, and tribulations." 

I look into the wooden box again, at the bottom are some other small trinket looking items and they were sitting on some drawings. I reach in to pull the first trinket out. It is HEAVY. Like Thor's Hammer heavy. I stand up to get leverage and using both hands I pull this small thumb size trinket out of the box. I look at it, it is a silver bird cage. I drop it on the ground with a thump. I reach in and grab the next item. It is also small and immensely heavy. I pull it out and look at it. I cant tell at first what it is. It is a cleaver. I drop that one on the ground. I look in, three more to go. The next one looks like a blade of grass. The next one is a picture frame, and the last one was a heart. 

I pull out the drawings. They are changing images as I look at them. there are three papers with changing images on them. They slowly morph from one image to the next. I set them down next to the photographs.

"Sister, what are we supposed to do with all of this?" I ask.

"Well,  I guess we  are ready to head home. Pack up the box, it is coming with us." 

The Search for Heartsong

She climbed onto her horse and adjusted the reins. She was riding out into the woods in search of Shaman woman named Heartsong. The sun shone directly above her, she could feel the horse starting to sweat through his jet black coat. There was no saddle, or stirrups, just a blanket laid across his back. Her ranch was at the edge of the mountains, sitting on the valley floor. It would be cold at the higher parts of the mountains, so she made sure to pack an extra blanket in her backpack.

She had not spoken to Heartsong in many years.  It would be difficult at best to find her in the woods. She thought back to yesterday morning, she was sitting in the diner drinking coffee when her friend Janea sat down and joined her.
 "You know Heartsong is out there" Janea said as she sipped her coffee.
 I looked across the table at her and said "I haven't seen her in years, there is no way I could find her." Janea smiled "If you listen, you can find her. She is quiet, but not so quiet you cant find her if you look". "All right" I said, I will head out tomorrow and see if I can find her". "Where was she spotted last?"
Janea Responded "I'm sure she is among the trees".

As Jack started to trot across the field, her mind started to wander in thought. She wondered what Heartsong would say, would she recognize her. Jack slowed as they reached the trees, the horse and her headed into the woods. She rode all day and into the evening, winding through trees, across clearings, around rock outcroppings. She started to wonder if she could even find Heartsong. She was ready to make a camp for the night and start fresh in the morning. As she headed into a clearing she could see the glow of a fire. She rode cautiously up to the fire. It was Ranger Rich.
 "Hey Rich! What are you doing up here in the woods?"
 Rich said "I heard you might need some help finding Heartsong, so I figured I would come out and scout it out before you got here." She climbed off of Jack and sat down in front of the fire. She was happy to have the company out in the woods.
"Alright Rich, what am I looking for?" She asked. "I have searched everywhere today, I couldn't even find a trace of Heartsong anywhere."
Rich laughed "Rachel to find Heartsong, you have to listen to the sounds of her speaking. It is subtle, you have to listen beyond the clopping of the hooves, and the roar of the wind. It is in the leaves falling, a rock settling further into the ground. That kind of subtle."
"Thank you Rich." She replies. "I will listen carefully tomorrow so I can find Heartsong and speak to her."

The next morning when she woke, she sat still and listened to the sounds around her. Rich had left before dawn, and all that remained of the fire was ash, and coals hiding underneath. She decided not to ride Jack today, she would just lead him. She decided to climb over the ridge so the wind would not be so loud. The sun met her on the ridge and she could could feel the warm glow seeping into her skin. She stopped in a small clearing away from the wind, Jack was not moving around. She closed her eyes and listened.
 "Hello Rachel."
She opened her eyes and looked around, she could not see anyone. She thought she heard someone say her name, but now it might have the whistle of wind.
"What do you want to ask me?"
She kept her eyes closed and tried to focus on the voice. It was so quiet, she could not tell if she was actually hearing it or imagining it.
"Heartsong, is that you?" Rachel asked.
"Yes it is I" Heartsong responds.
"Why don't you speak to me anymore?" Rachel asked.
"The wind, and the sea can over power even the loudest voice, I cannot shout above them." Heartsong replied.
"So you just stopped speaking to me? What if I needed guidance? I feel lost. I thought you had died, and turned to stone." Rachel said.
"I have spoken. I have twisted the wind into words, so you could hear. I moved the waves so they could speak to you. You are not lost. You have always followed the guidance I have given. Even when you did not agree."
"What do you want to ask me?" Heartsong repeated  her question.
"What do I really want?" Rachel asked.
"Freedom" Heartsong replied.
"But what does that look like? How do I get that? How much? When?" Rachel rattled off her questions.
"Freedom to receive love, Freedom to spend your time as you desire, Freedom to write what you want, freedom to speak, freedom to travel, freedom to listen to me. As much as it takes to not make you feel I am made of stone. Now and tomorrow and forever on."
"How does that relate to work? I have bills and responsibility."
"You must listen intently. My wisdom is beyond a job. You must not damage yourself to show proof of listening. You must gently follow what warms the heart. A pot does not boil instantly. A heart does not thaw in a moment. Do not fear change, judgments and expectations from others. Do not fear, fear for others. What makes your heart feel warm? Do that."
"What if lots of things feel warm? What if I cant decide?" Rachel asked feeling perplexed
Heartsong responded  "You need to be gentle, gently follow, one small step at a time. Ask for guidance in the moment. It will help with clarity. It is getting cold out here my friend, you must head back home."
Rachel continued to listen intently, but could no longer her Heartsong's voice. The wind was howling now. Rachel had not noticed the storm rolling in. The air was getting colder by the minute, clouds were dark and menacing, she could feel the wind starting to bite at her cheeks. She heard hoof clops behind her. There was Rich on his horse. "What are you doing here?" Rachel asked. "Heartsong said you might need some guidance back down to the valley. I am here to lead the way." HE was holding a big light that looked like a beacon. It lit up the whole area around him. Rachel climbed on Jack and as they both turned the horses around the rain started to fall. Rich's light shone like a beacon lighting a path in front of the horses, all the way down the mountain. They were both soaking wet and shivering as they started across the valley floor.
"I think you can make from here." Rich said, as he turned and headed home. Rachel waved good-night and headed to the stables. She could here the echo of Heartsongs words in her head. "Gently follow what makes the heart warm."

Conversations with my soul. Part 4

I need to talk to my soul again. I need more guidance. I have questions. I need clarification. I fear making a wrong turn. There is no way for me to know the alternate path. I can only imagine what the different outcomes would be. This path is the only one I can see.


I climb off my couch. I step up onto the platform behind me. I walk up until  I can see the vegetation I can see the narrow path. I start walking up the path. It is warm and sunny today. Normally it is cold and gloomy. I weave my way through the bushes that hang over the path. It is steep and I have to lean forward to keep my balance. I push dead branches out of the way as I make my way to the top of the path. I see the opening in the path as it opens up to a clearing at the edge of the lake . There is fine ground rocks and some old pieces of wood that have been pushed to the shore. The wood not the sand. The gravelly sand is there in a small clearing. The other part of the lake has grass all the way to the edge of the water. I look across the lake.
"Hello!" I call out. "Are you here?"
 I look to the far edge of the lake where my soul took me last time. The land curves away to where I can no longer see the path. I focused my sights there and waited.
"I'm here!"  I hear a voice call out.
I wait. She rounds the corner of the path across the lake. I look down at the waters edge. I imagine a boat there and slowly I see the air swirl around as a boat appears to be being built from dust in the air. When it is complete I step into the boat. I focus my sights on the opposite edge of the lake. The boat seems to just know that is where I want to go. It pushes through the water to other edge. I climb out of the boat. I remember that last time I had my mind interfere with what I was trying to hear and see. I focus on my surroundings. And I try to stay focused on my questions.
 My soul runs up to me. "What are you doing here today?  I wasn't expecting you today."
"I know I wasn't planning on visiting so soon.  I need more answers."
 She looks at me .. "OK what do you need?"
"My questions are: What am I training for? What do I need to focus on? When should  I start? What kind of training am I doing? Physical, Mental, emotional, educational, vocational? There are too many options I need help to focus. What happens if I train in the wrong area?"
 She laughs out loud. Inwardly, I have a little awkward feeling. I have much anxiety about these things. She looks at me. "You know you're me right?
" ...Well yes..technically." I reply
 "Not technical...you are me. You choose to hide under your veil."
"Why do you not choose to hide?" I ask
"Because  I chose freedom." She said.
 "But you are me; did we not both choose freedom?" I asked; feeling perplexed.
"You chose earth. I chose a different...earth place. We chose."
 "Is earth harder to take off the veil? " I ask
"...no it is harder for you than for me.  Hmmm let me think of your questions for a moment. Don't add your thoughts to mine ... let me contemplate." She pauses and steps back. I am back in my living room for a moment chatting with my kids. I hear her start to talk so I jump back to the lake..

"Just as you answered yourself; you need to train physically. It will hep with mental focus.  You need to train and practice living on earth. You cannot hide until its over. Write more think less."
 "What is my goal?"....
"There is not a goal.. there is a pattern of evolving. There is people to connect to and paths to clear for others. Doors to open and soulful practice of healthy beliefs. To concrete the healthy patterns, so as to not need to repeat learning them again. You can set goals for yourself to help you, but not as an end result. You need to understand the patterns of growth are not set. Focus on reaching for a feeling and keeping it here. Write your new belief. and practice it. There are events that are going to occur and you will do best with training." She stops for a moment. "Your thoughts are merging with mine. give me a moment."
 I pause and I lean down a dip my fingers in the water. It is cold and clear. There is grass growing on the edge of the lake. I can see small fish darting around in the grass in the water. I look up at my soul...   she is prancing around in circles and humming a tune. I look down and feel the water on my fingers. so cold and refreshing. I look up and she walks up to me again.
"You need to focus on your feet. stay on the ground. talk to people. Set up a healthy pattern for your family. Reach for more earth knowledge. The soul already knows what you need to remember. Let me speak through you while you are on earth not just here. All the things that you dream of ...pick one... and bring it to life. Then the next one. Don't try all at once. Learn then use it. Don't try to learn all first. Did I mention you need to write more? You need to grow out from the veil. It hides you very well. Your light is blocked completely from here.  I can only see you when you are here. You will understand when you pull it off what I mean. But If I tell you each step the path will change."
"I have another question: on the earth that you live are we with our soul mate?" I ask.. 
"No I am waiting for us to catch up to each other. That is a journey we take together. when we are both whole."
"Am I not whole now?" I ask. "I feel like a whole person..."
 "Your soul is hiding.... whole ..not like fruit, but like all the cylinders on a car working; all the tires inflated evenly. All the rooms cleaned during spring... does this make sense?"
 "Yes.... So the first step?"
 "You will see... the mundane things save space for the rest of it." She answers.
"Do I start tomorrow?" I ask...as I feel my anxiety rise in my chest.
 "You cannot grow a plant in a day.... Maybe you can plant the seed... or pull the weeds where you want to plant... maybe a tree or rocks are in the way and you need to remove them first.... Maybe if you write it down. Not goals..patterns of success...with limitless outcomes... with a leap that is freedom, with patterns after that, that you can't plan yet.."
"Do you have bad days on your earth?" I ask
 "Yes...my freedom was hard fought, but the blanket on my earth is not as heavy as yours. It takes less time, energy, emotion and fight to gain freedom."
 "How can 1 soul split? I ask.
"With out a long story... we chose to divide and conquer. Not all souls do. Some splinter. Earth has been hard. This time is better with a tether to my earth. I can't explain more yet."
"Do you travel in time? I ask
 "Yes." She replies.
"Can you actually leave your earth?" I ask.
"Yes, but again my earth is not as heavy." She says.
"Will I be able to travel like that?"
"I cannot say... it depends. It is not a end goal nor a focus for our soul to master. As long as you do not hide behind it." She says.
I take a deep sigh. "OK."
"Do not leave here disappointed. You came for answers, they should be without expectation of answer. Go home and write the patterns down that you want to have, write down the belief you want and why. write down the emotions you want to feel, and what they are brought from. Write why you want to travel and where. Write it down until it is clear where you are in your gardening process. Think about how long it takes for a plant to grow. Draw a garden if you must. Plan out what you want it to look like. design it, then create it. And remember it is yours and your alone, but all of those you want in your life must have a place in, and space in your garden. You need to plan, and train."
I thank my soul for her/our /my help. I give her a hug and for a moment our soul is one. I try to feel the lightness and freedom as it is a part of me for a moment. I can feel the veil over me. I step back and thank her again.
She laughs. "Of course."  "Be sure and let me know when you meet him. I know where he is on my earth. I am just waiting for you."
 I laugh .."OK I will come tell you. Gosh will  I know when I meet him?"
 She laughs...not at first. But as you tether yourself to your memories they will resonate with him. HE will know. Don't let that go."
"OK sounds good" I reply.
I turn around and walk to the boat. I climb in and enjoy the cruise across the lake with the warm air blowing my hair. I climb out and start on the path down the away from the lake. I go quickly. I can see my couch at the bottom of the trail I step onto my couch and back to my living room.

A visit with my soul. A friend in nature

I went to see my soul last night. I have been to see her a few times. I meet her at a lake somewhere. I don't know how I get there, or how I know where to go. I was able to see the trail this time, that leads up to the lakes edge. I walk up the narrow dirt path. It is steep and is overgrown with tall bushes; their branches reaching across the path to each other. I stop at the top of the trail and look around. Both sides of the lake are lined with pink blooming trees. The water is dark and calm. For the first time it is not foggy. The sun is setting on the horizon and the sky is painted in red and orange. I look across the lake and I see my soul standing on the other side of the lake. I look down at the waters edge and see a small boat appear in front of me. I climb in the boat and it takes me across the lake with little effort. I climb out and walk up to my soul. As she stands there in front of me; I pause and say hi. We have not spoke before. Last time, we walked together, and before that I did not know how to cross the water.
"Hello, I'm so happy you are finally here!" She says very excitedly. I feel a little stunned to hear her voice.
 "I haven't heard you speak before" I said. ...
"I never had the opportunity" she replied.
 "Am I still on Earth?" I ask...My voice trailing off at the end...
She responds... "well...not your earth."
"I traveled to a different earth!?" I asked excitedly.
"You sound surprised" she says, "you have come here before though, so I thought you knew this was not your earth."
 I start to hear sounds around me, there is buzzing in my ears, zapping electrical sounds as what im looking at change and return. and I can see images flashing in the background, like a outdoor movie. they are loud, and the images surround me. I see everything around me start to change.
 "You need to tell your brain to stop" she says.
 In an instant the sounds and images are gone.
"What was that?" I asked.
"It was your mind trying to scare you. Walk with me" she says and starts to walk along the shore. I follow her.
"Do you have questions? What would you like to know?" she asks.
"Yes." I reply .."I do have a question.... What am I supposed to do? Why am I here? It is for my kids? Is there something specific I should be doing?" I start to hear the sounds around me again, like someone changing the stations on a radio and the volume is full blast. images are flashing around me. I feel myself slipping away....like I am being pulled into the flashing images. I am trying to focus on her through the images and sounds.
"FOCUS!" she says sternly and grabs my shoulders. The images are gone instantly.
"I am sorry" I tell her.."I am trying to stay focused but I think I am falling asleep at home."
"Come with me" she says "I want to show you something." We walk around the bend that follows the waters edge. I have never seen this part of the lake before. We are now facing the setting sun. I can feel the warmth of the last of the suns rays on my cheeks. I can see past the lake.  I look farther...I see what looks like a valley. I turn to her and ask what that is, where that is. She says that is her home in the future.
 She turns and faces me..."you need to start training" she tells me. "Training?" I ask.... "what kind of training?"
 "You need to be ready for the fight." she says. "Start now and you will be ready."
 "Like a physical fight?" I ask. I can feel nervousness start to rise in my throat and my cheeks. She laughs.
 "This I cannot say. There is more I would like to tell you" she says. The sounds come back, they are loud buzzing sounds, I can't hear her. I can tell she is still talking. Images of other worlds and other thoughts start to flash in front of me. I try to focus on what she is saying but I can't hear her. she continues to speak.. I can make out a few of the words..Search.... tomorrow..... you will find it. I turn and look back to where we had walked from...the sounds and flashes still there. I can't get them to stop. I need to go home. I blink and I am back around the bend. I can see the boat. I stare at it for a second and I am instantly in the boat that I had looked at. I look at the shore where I started and I am instantly there. I start walking down the path away from the lake. I can't see the bottom of the trail. The sounds are gone, the images are gone. I can feel my tiredness covering me like a blanket. I can feel my self walking closer to me falling asleep.

Night Lights

I am going to try an experiment... I often times tune in to things when I am driving or writing. So I am going to try writing, and on Saturday I will try it driving...Safely of course.


Today I am focusing on #MybestfriendIhaventmetyet I know it is not the right time to meet him, but I have faith he is out there. I don't know where, but that is OK too..


I start to rise up from my room up into the sky..I start to question what exactly I'm looking for. Am I looking for someone? Am I looking for a light that I feel good about? I float higher in the sky. Is he here in the city with me? Is he far away? I turn around in circles looking around. I see a light ...as I float to it...the energy is not comforting. I float past it and climb higher. I wonder if he is sleeping? Does his soul know mine is looking? Is his looking for mine? What will his soul do if he is looking for me? what will I say?
I can see all of Lake Tahoe, the mountains and the sea to west in the distance.  I stop and scan the ground. I can see a few lights floating above the ground swirling around their home. I look around some more. Will his soul be out here looking for mine?
 I rise higher into the sky. The city lights are gone, and the mountains look like bumps on the ground. I look out on the horizon. Not as many souls are floating around. Some are zooming around, some are like shooting stars. They can only be seen for a moment. 
I know if he is here, he will be doing the same thing I am...searching. I start to fly East as I look for the familiar light. It has been many lifetimes since we have danced in the beam of each others light. I see a light in the distance that shines brighter than others. I rush towards this orb of shining light. I stop in front of the light. I can see the image of who the soul belongs to. He looks at me bewildered and gives me a hug. I know at this moment he is just a friendly soul. I climb higher into the sky.
 The curve of the earth is now a complete crescent. I can see the light of the sun peeking on the horizon. I look around and there he is. The familiar glow that only his soul can produce. I fly to him, our souls swirl around each other as we become brighter together. We dance in the light of the sun on the horizon. We soared up higher and circled the world. We flew past the heat of the sun and back to the dark of the night.


I hear my alarm start to buzz .. in an instant I'm back in my room reaching for my alarm. I hit the snooze button and close my eyes again. I fly back up the edge of the sky and search for him. I stop and scan the sky. I cant find him anywhere. Searching for his light, and his comfort. The moment was so fleeting and quick. I let myself fall back to earth, no longer feeling the want to fly.

I feel the wind howling around me as I continue to fall. I feel the earth getting closer to me, I can feel my heart start to beat again. I take a deep breath and my alarm buzzes again. Back in my room again. I sit up in bed, and think to myself...When will I see him and feel him again. Will we meet face to face or only on the astral plane? We can always dance in the the light of the night, and dance in our dreams.

The Journey of our Souls

Many years ago they lived in the mist.
 They danced in light, and their souls shined their brightest when they were near to each other.
Never did either one stray far. The warmth of the light and their love surrounded them and anyone near to them. As they held each other tight, they knew the time was right. Their love was at it brightest. They had spent lifetimes together. In the mist of the heavens and on the land of this earth. Always together, only moments apart. As each lifetime passed they knew the time drew near. Time apart was the only way. Their souls had to learn some painful things. They chose to separate and learn while apart. Rather than risk damaging the love and the light that they shared. As the time drew near they held each other close. Confident that their souls would continue to shine bright enough; that after all was said and done, they would still find each other in the dark of night. They embarked on their journeys separate from each other for the first time in eons of lifetimes. As they both endured struggles and setbacks, they tumbled through lifetimes. Their souls still shined bright.  Many diminished souls drew close to share the light. After many lifetimes their souls bright light began to fade. They needed each other to stay that bright. Finally they arrived at this lifetime. They are both alright. They were sure that as they had done before, the searching would not be necessary. Their love and light would bring them together right from the start. Neither had realized the path
back to each other would be another struggle to overcome in this life. The other diminished souls; who remember them from before, still tried to latch on to gain some insight. Time has faded their memories, their souls were not as resilient as they had hoped. They continue to search for each other on this mother earth plane. So they can hold each close in the comfort of their light again. So their souls can heal again with renewed love and freedom. The knowledge they carry now will keep them together forever now. In the mists of the heavens and lands of this earth.