Conversations with my Spirit Guide

How these conversations unfold.

Me: um, ok what do I want to know....
Me: Is my name Rachel
Roger: Rolls his eyes and laughs...yes your name is Rachel
Me: Ok, am I twelve
Roger: Obviously...no.
Me: Why isnt the pendulum moving?
Roger: can you not hear me?
Me: I can hear you...
Roger: Then why does it need to move?
Me: But I need proof that you are there...
Roger: um....can you hear me still?
Me: Yes
Roger: *Face Palm* Ok......
Roger: Ask something else..
Me: Ok...um.....um......ummmmmmmmm
Me: Ok...what is your favorite color?
Roger: Really? Purple and Brown
Me: the pendulum didnt move
Roger: no it did not.
Me: Ok...um..will I stay at Brookdale?
Roger: Until when?
Me: idk I guess, stay until I have something else...
Roger: Is that what you want?
Me:..um...yes...
Roger: then that is what it will be *chuckling*
Roger: Ask me something else....something that you want to know, but dont have the answer for..
Me: Will I get the job at Suncrest...
Roger: *Gives me the side eye and starts doing pushups...
Me: When will I meet someone?
Roger: *Sits back down* When you are ready..
Me: When is that?
Roger: Be ready now....
Me: It doesnt feel right....
Roger: That is where we will start...
Me: Ok..........Well there is that panic attack feeling that won't go away..

Photo Credit: Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

Freedom

I drop my keys on the desk. This is it, this moment has been a long time coming.

The last six months I have been working tirelessly on my websites. Everything feels so synchronistic. I checked my bank account this morning before I left work. I made more money last month than the previous six months combined. When I get to work my boss calls me into her office. The paper is sitting there. I already know that she is trying to discipline me for something unnecessary. She is rattling on about something, I'm not listening. My mind is calculating the things I will lose today. My heart is calculating what I will gain today. I had imagined I would do both jobs for a few years. I would create a secure, stable income from the websites first. Now I am standing here on the precipice of change, the brink of freedom.
I think about all of the tasks I am supposed to complete today. I think about the way people are going to react about my decision. I think about the people that are going to judge me, and the people that are going to feel like I am leaving them behind. I start to feel a twinge of doubt. My mind starts to convince me to pick the keys back up again.
I look at my boss, she has stopped talking, and is staring at me, waiting for me to respond to a question I did not hear. "I don't know" I answer, unsure if that will answer sufficiently. I start to feel panicked. I cant decide which way to go. My mind is screaming at me to make it work, to take my time, to plan it out. My heart is whispering at me to take the leap.
 I think to myself "jeez universe, help me out here". My phone dings. I turn the phone over and read the text. A call off for PM, another ding before I can even look away. A full time person just quit. My mind starts to wander to the schedule. Who is going to take of these people tonight? Who is going to find coverage? The phone dings again. Another call off. "OK universe, I get the message, no more call offs" I think to myself.
I look back at my boss, she is still rattling on about some report and how she is sure she told me about it.
I take a deep breath. I look at my phone. I delete the texts, I clear the call history, and I lock the phone. I set it on the table next to my keys.
She hands me the write up, mumbling the usual "please read and sign". I take it from her, and turn the paper over. I scribble my official statement noting that I quit, as of today. I know I am forfeiting my PTO. I don't care anymore. I turn to my boss, and hand her the paper.
"Good luck, you had two staff members call off tonight and two are quitting as of right now."
She stares at the paper as I turn and walk out the door.
As I step out into the sunshine, I finally realize what freedom felt like.

The Dawn of an Era

Well today is the end of an Era and tomorrow is the dawn of new Era. No one will notice the change just yet. Tomorrow it will feel the same, yet life will be on a different path, headed in a new direction. I will stay humble and focused. I will start to train my body and mind for great things. I will not count the dollars earned only the successes. I will pursue all of my dreams. I refuse to choose between on dream and another. I will no longer trade my time for a paycheck. My time is more valuable then that. I will maintain a financial focus, and my risks will be measured with research and balanced with reward margin. I will no longer live in discontent. Every moment from here forward will be a moment closer to success. I will plant seeds for future success, not just for me but for all of those around me whom I love and want to share my success. I will continue to pursue knowledge in all aspects of life. I will take time to focus on my family and appreciate each moment, as irreplaceable and unrepeatable. My faith is no longer something I search for outside of me. I will look within to find my faith, I have faith in me to know the way. I have faith in the elements and the life forces around me. Tomorrow will appear no different, yet it will be a whole new world.

The Job

I have been working on ways to bring in money so I can stay home with my kids. I have many ideas, but very little time to see them to fruition. I also don't have the money to invest in ideas that require...well any money. Is it possible to replace my income from my 8-5 with at home work? Here is what I have discovered so far: NO It is not that it can't be replaced. But what I am wanting is time. If I work from home the time is simply swallowed up by another form of work. I don't really want to work from home. I don't want to sit at home and try to juggle the kids and find time to get my "work" tasks done. I want money to be coming in, but not from a menial task of one sort or another. What do I want? Do I want a more enjoyable 8-5? Would I do better part time? Part time still requires childcare unless I work at a time when their dad doesn't work. None of these things can be done while we live in a place that is beyond our means. What really needs to happen is a relocation of our family. Either with part time or if I must; full time work. Relocating means many changes. We haven't done it yet..I haven't done it yet, because I don't want to be the source of angst when things are tough. When my son has no friends at school, and my little one misses his Martha. All of the explaining in the world will not make it feel better. I worry that the move is not for the right reasons, or that it is selfish on my part. Will the kids feel the benefit of us moving? will they feel better than they do now? Is moving really the only answer? Granted I don't think my kids are unhappy, but they could definitely go in either direction on the happy scale. I think a big part is I just don't love my job anymore. It started out as a job I loved and slowly turned into a job that I don't want to continue in. I had hoped that the pay increase would help our living expenses, but it is barely noticeable after taxes. I am disappointed that it did not do more for us.I had hoped it would allow us to move into a bigger place, or allow us to go on more trips, but instead it is covering the newest rent increase and the higher food costs. It is such a deflating feeling when your efforts are blocked by unseen forces. It will be sad to leave our home. I vowed never to move my son again after I settled here. I wanted him to have roots and a sense of belonging. I didn't want his future self to say " I grew up in a bunch of places". The idea in and of itself is somewhat overwhelming. Again I don't want to be the decision maker. The jobs I apply to determine where we move to. There are job opportunities everywhere, but that doesn't mean they are all great places to be.  I will gather my thoughts and reflect on our next move.