Conversations with my Spirit Guide

How these conversations unfold.

Me: um, ok what do I want to know....
Me: Is my name Rachel
Roger: Rolls his eyes and laughs...yes your name is Rachel
Me: Ok, am I twelve
Roger: Obviously...no.
Me: Why isnt the pendulum moving?
Roger: can you not hear me?
Me: I can hear you...
Roger: Then why does it need to move?
Me: But I need proof that you are there...
Roger: um....can you hear me still?
Me: Yes
Roger: *Face Palm* Ok......
Roger: Ask something else..
Me: Ok...um.....um......ummmmmmmmm
Me: Ok...what is your favorite color?
Roger: Really? Purple and Brown
Me: the pendulum didnt move
Roger: no it did not.
Me: Ok...um..will I stay at Brookdale?
Roger: Until when?
Me: idk I guess, stay until I have something else...
Roger: Is that what you want?
Me:..um...yes...
Roger: then that is what it will be *chuckling*
Roger: Ask me something else....something that you want to know, but dont have the answer for..
Me: Will I get the job at Suncrest...
Roger: *Gives me the side eye and starts doing pushups...
Me: When will I meet someone?
Roger: *Sits back down* When you are ready..
Me: When is that?
Roger: Be ready now....
Me: It doesnt feel right....
Roger: That is where we will start...
Me: Ok..........Well there is that panic attack feeling that won't go away..

Photo Credit: Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

Together

As I got up from the kitchen table, Roger stood up as well. I felt nervous showing him the time travel train station in my basement. This is the kind of thing that freaks people out. I took a a deep breath and walked over to the door. Today the stairs were brightly lit. For the first time I spoke words while I walked down the stairs. "I painted the scenes on the walls to make it brighter in here" I said to Roger, who was behind me. "I love them" he said quietly, as he gazed up along the walls and the ceiling.

At the bottom of the stairs I heaved the big heavy door open, and stepped aside as I let Roger walk past me into the room. I let the door swing shut, as I stood there in silence.
 "There is no train right now." He said.
"Where do you want to go? Do we pick? Or does the train pick for us?"
 "It depends on if you have a purpose, or just want an adventure" I replied.
"Which shall we do today?" He asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know." I responded.
"A moment in the past has already been lived, and a moment in the future is one of many possibilities. Let us travel to another world." He said. "Let us meet your ancestors."
"Ok" I replied. We stepped up to the platform; we could feel the wind starting to blow gently. Then we could hear the rumble of time and space moving.The tunnel started to light up in blue. With a blast of air the tunnel was filled with bright blue light zooming past us.
Roger grabs my hand, "Come with me I will show you where to go."
We step into the blue zooming light train and immediately step off onto the other side. I look around but everything appears blurred. "Can you see ok?" Roger asked, seeming to know that I could not see.
"It is blurry, everything is really blurry." I said.
 "Keep my hand I will lead you." We start to walk and I can feel the ground crunching under my feet. I can see blurry objects moving around me, and I can feel a breeze on my neck. We stop walking. A blurry image stops in front of us.
"This is your Great Grandma Drake" Roger says to me. "I cant see her." I reply.
"Close your eyes." Roger said. "Take a deep breath. Can you hear her?" I shut my eyes and breath in.
"Hello Rachel." Says a crackly old voice. "Yes I heard that." Roger laughs........"you can respond to her. She can hear you and see you."
"Hi Grandma Drake. How are you?" I ask.
"I'm dead." She responds, and her and Roger start laughing. I join in the laughter as well.
"Well, its nice to meet you, I'm sorry I can't actually see you", I say after the chuckles have subsided. "Don't be scared of me, I'm here to help." I can hear the crackly voice say as her voice  starts getting quieter.
"Roger I can't even hear her very good" I say to him. he pulls me closer to him, I can feel him lean in next me. "Can you hear me ok? he asked. "Yes, now keep your eyes closed and you can hear her too." "I'm here to help" I can hear her clearly say. "Help with what " I ask.
 "Help with......" her words seem to drown out again."
"Thank you Grandma" Roger says. "OK for now" she replied. I open my eyes, everything is still blurry, though I can tell she is not in front on me anymore. I turn towards Roger. "Who else am I going to meet here today?"
"We will come back in a week," Roger says. "Come with me." We walk a little ways, then we step though what looks like a veil.
"Do you recognize this?" Roger Asks.  Everything is clear. We are standing at the edge of field with thousands of TVs on stands all playing something different. "Yes, this was from my dream, after the long amount of time walking through the dark woods. My soul showed me that this, would be after that. She said something about how these are all choices and outcomes." I look over at him, thankful I can see him clearly in this light.
"This is what we navigate this week. Together."

Photo credit:Photo by Antonio Grosz on Unsplash

One. Moment in Time

I paused for a moment. I realized in that moment I was not where I thought I should be. A moment ago I was sitting on my couch in my living room, scrolling aimlessly through Facebook, and with a long blink I am here.

I look down, I'm standing on a concrete slab, with green rolling hills falling away from the edges. I am wearing black boots, a long red dress with short sleeves. I take a step forward and hear a scraping sound on the concrete next to me. I turn and look down at my left hand and realize I'm holding a long sword. I am dragging the tip of it on the ground. I look around me...I don't see anyone..It is light outside, but overcast.

I take a deep breath...wtf is going on...where am I? How the f**k do I get home?

I see someone walking towards me in the distance. It appears to be a man. He is wearing all black, and dragging a sword behind him. As he gets closer I wonder if I am going to have to fight this dude. I have no idea how to sword fight...my heart starts to race as the impending doom sensation starts to roll over me. This is the beginning of the end.
I shut my eyes for a second...am I dreaming? did I fall asleep on the couch? It didn't feel like it, and this didn't feel like a dream either.

The man stops at the edge of the concrete...too far to fight, but close enough to see him and hear him.

"You wanted to see me".. He said
"I don't know what you're talking about." I reply.
"You don't recognize me?" he asked
I shook my head.... "No" I replied. "I don't."
"It's not time." He said.
"Time for what?" I asked
"Time for me to be there." He said, as he raised his sword and pointed at the sky.
I look up behind at what he is pointing at.....through the clouds I can see me sitting on the couch...still on my phone.
I look back at him...."Who are you? why are we holding swords?"
"This was our last lifetime together, do you remember? It was here on this hill that we summoned the universe and asked for the vision of our lives. What it would look like. We saw dark thunder clouds and images...remember? they were scary and dark...we held each other and cried...it was then that we decided we would live the next lives apart from each other. We did not want to darken the love we had. Do you remember?" He asked again.
"I remember the decision...I don't remember here...when do I meet you? Why did I come here?"
"I brought you here to remember."....he stepped closer to me.
"Your sister told you today, to remember the feeling...the feeling we shared ...lifetime after lifetime."

"But this is not my home" I said..."I have kids and an ex, and work...and I haven't felt this for seven or eight lifetimes...how do I feel this and all of that? Why is it not time?" I asked.
He looked down at his feet....he took another step forward..I could see the features on his face now...I could see the tears in his eyes...."I'm not ready yet" He replied softly.
"I don't think I am either" I said softly.
He stepped closer again..If I reached out I could touch him.
He stepped in again, we embraced. I could smell him, the tears stung my eyes as I held him tight.
He stepped back..."I need you to stay in the light, so I can find you"  He said.
"I don't even know what that means" I said...
"I don't either...but I keep asking the universe to bring you to me..and it keeps telling me *You will find her in the light, keep looking into the light, she will be there*."
"OK" ..I said. "I will remember" ..
"And I will find you, I promise." He said.
He looked behind him, into the distance. He looked back at me.."I have to go, I'm sorry.."
he turned and walked away, dragging his sword along the concrete until it ended.
He disappeared into the distance.
I looked up at the sky, I could still see me sitting on the couch...I could see the image on the phone..I focused on it and in a flash, I was on the couch focusing on my phone again.
I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to hold onto the feeling I had...for a second..I could feel it. The warmth of a thousand lifetimes.

At The Movies

My friend set me up with a blind date. I'm not sure why I agreed, but I did. As I stood outside of the movie theatre my mind was racing with excuses on how to get out of the date, excuses how to leave early, and a thousand critiques of my flaws thus giving him a reason to leave early. I heaved a deep sigh as I checked my phone again.

I was standing outside the theatre waiting for him to arrive. I knew he would be wearing a blue shirt, but other than that, my friend didn't want to tell me anything else. It felt like everyone was wearing blue that day.

A movie attendant came out of the building and walked up to me. "Are you Rachel?" She asked.
"Yes" I replied. Instantly thinking he had called the theatre and cancelled.
"Your date is already in the theatre." She smiled, "Follow me" she said, as she turned around and headed back into the theatre.

I followed her in the main doors, and to my surprise we continued down the hall to a theatre. She pulled the door open and we walked up the ramp into the room. There was already something playing on the screen, but I couldn't tell if it was a movie or an advertisement. The theatre was empty with the exception of a man in a blue shirt in the middle of the sea of seats. I turned to say thank you to the attendant, but she was already gone.

Well, I thought, this it, I'm either in, or, I'm out. I walked up the stairs to the row he was sitting in and walked down to the seat next to him and sat down. The movie that was playing was dark and I couldn't see his face very well.

"Hi" he said. "You can call me what ever name you like, I am from the future and I cant tell you my real name."
I looked over at him as the lights changed again so I couldn't see his features.
"Why are you coming to see me here?" I asked. "Do I know you in the future?"
He laughed, "Of course you do. I wouldn't be here with you if we didn't know each other in the future."

"Why are you here?" I asked again.
"I came back because I didn't want you to doubt. In the future you talk a lot about this time in your life. That you doubt in your self of creating the life you want. You talk about how you don't think you will meet me. I just want to ease the doubt."
I sat quiet for a minute. "Yes I do have doubts, I cant see it, so it feels impossible. The life I want, the love I want." I looked down at my hands. " I feel lost most days, and some days, stuck. Most days i am not lonely, but when I do feel it, it lays on me like a heavy blanket."

"We build the life together. That is why it is so hard for you to imagine what we create. You cant read a mind you haven't met yet." He said quietly.

"When do I meet you?" I asked.
He laughed again, "you know I cant tell you that, it will screw up the timeline. You are the one who taught me that!"
"Why did we meet here at the theatre?"
"We met here because I wanted to show you some movies. These are parts of our lives that we have created. Just me coming here will alter some things in our timeline, but nothing drastic. These videos are parts that don't change. Are you ready to watch them?" He sat silently staring at me waiting for me to answer.
I sat in bewilderment for a few moments. I looked up at the screen, and noticed it was paused. I look over at him, "Ok, I am ready" I replied with a smile. I sat back in my seat, and faced the movie screen, as he hit play on the movie of our future life.

As the movie ended, I felt a pang of sadness in my chest, and it rose into my throat. "Its perfect." I said quietly, as a tear rolled down my cheek. He gently wiped the tear away.
 "Yes, and it is ours" he replied softly. "I don't learn how to time travel until after I meet you, you will have to find me. I am sorry for that." His voiced cracked. I looked up at him to see he had tears rolling down his cheeks too.
"What should I be doing now? Is there something I can be doing more of to meet you sooner?" I asked.
"Honestly, I don't know." He replied. "I don't want to mess up the timeline. My time is up to be here with you, I have to go, I'm sorry."
 He wiped his tears away and stood up and walked away. Before he reached the door of the theatre he disappeared. I stood up and walked out of the theatre, and out into the sunlight. I looked back at the theatre, and as I was about to turn and walk to my car a man approached me.
 "Hi, are you Rachel? I'm Ted, your blind date!"

Just a Picture

As I step into the stairwell, I look around. This stairwell used to feel dark and somewhat foreboding. The walls were dark, just one light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and it smelled of old wood and varnish. I no longer fear the door at the bottom of the stair case. Now the walls are white, with bright flowers painted on them. Raindrop shaped lights are hung from the ceiling all the way down the stairs. The door is still heavy, but it has wooden gate with climbing flowers painted on it, so it feels like you are entering into a secret garden. I walk down the stairs and push the door open. I step onto the platform and let the door fall closed behind me.

I pause for a moment letting my thoughts fall around me. What do I want to know? What are my expectations? What is my brain telling me I should see? I watch my thoughts turn into pictures and float to ground around me, like leaves falling in autumn. My urge is to pick them back up and put them in my pocket. I look up at the blue freight train of energy, light and images zooming past me. I step towards the edge of the platform. I look back at the pictures laying on the floor. I take deep breath, I start to feel naked and lost without holding onto everything the pictures represent. Before I convince myself to go get them I reach my hand out and touch the blue freight train. I zoom along for a few minutes. I feel myself tumbling for a little while. I start to focus on where and when I want to go to. I want so badly to know where my pinnacle of success lies, internally. Where all the parts of my world feel fulfilled. Where my heart feels content, and I feel connected to my heart and my soul. I tumble along further and suddenly fall into an office.

I look around. There are big floor to ceiling windows along one whole wall, looking down over a city. There is a blue couch facing the window. There is a desk in the corner to my left. The walls have pictures hanging on them, but no photographs. there is a round wooden table in the right corner of the room. I look around at the table and desk. There are no calenders or newspapers to look at to see when  I travelled to. I look out the window, there is another tall building almost directly across from the window. I look to left and I can see smaller buildings as far as I can see. There are cars driving on the street. They look like regular cars from here, but I am at least 25 stories up. I look around the room again. along the back wall, opposite of the windows there is a door. I open the door and step into the hallway. there are cubicles to my left, that appear to all be empty. On my right are four elevators. I walk up to it and push the down button. The doors open. The elevator is empty. I step inside and look at the button panel. I click on floor one. As the elevator hums down the many levels, I wonder where time took me? What on Earth am I meant to see here? Where am I? The elevator doors open. The lobby is spacious and vacant. I walk to the doors leading outside. I pull the glass door open and step out onto the sidewalk. I stand there just letting everything soak in. The sun shining, the trees, the cars, the people walking past me. I look across the street, there is a small park area to the left. There is a woman sitting on the bench with a man. I walk down the sidewalk towards her, as  I get closer, I realize it is me. I cant actually tell how much older I am. I don't recognize the man, but we seem close. I don't seem to be able to get closer to her. My legs feel heavy. I look up in the sky. I hear a loud wind sound, I see the blue freight train of energy appear in the sky. It swoops towards me and scoops me up, for a brief second I am floating, then I see the platform and I am standing there again. All of my pictures are still laying on the floor. I watch them all turn to ash except one. What do I want to know? I pick up the picture and look at it. It is a picture of me and the man sitting on the park bench. I smile and put the picture in my pocket. I open the heavy door and head back up the stairs.

Conversations with my soul. Part 4

I need to talk to my soul again. I need more guidance. I have questions. I need clarification. I fear making a wrong turn. There is no way for me to know the alternate path. I can only imagine what the different outcomes would be. This path is the only one I can see.


I climb off my couch. I step up onto the platform behind me. I walk up until  I can see the vegetation I can see the narrow path. I start walking up the path. It is warm and sunny today. Normally it is cold and gloomy. I weave my way through the bushes that hang over the path. It is steep and I have to lean forward to keep my balance. I push dead branches out of the way as I make my way to the top of the path. I see the opening in the path as it opens up to a clearing at the edge of the lake . There is fine ground rocks and some old pieces of wood that have been pushed to the shore. The wood not the sand. The gravelly sand is there in a small clearing. The other part of the lake has grass all the way to the edge of the water. I look across the lake.
"Hello!" I call out. "Are you here?"
 I look to the far edge of the lake where my soul took me last time. The land curves away to where I can no longer see the path. I focused my sights there and waited.
"I'm here!"  I hear a voice call out.
I wait. She rounds the corner of the path across the lake. I look down at the waters edge. I imagine a boat there and slowly I see the air swirl around as a boat appears to be being built from dust in the air. When it is complete I step into the boat. I focus my sights on the opposite edge of the lake. The boat seems to just know that is where I want to go. It pushes through the water to other edge. I climb out of the boat. I remember that last time I had my mind interfere with what I was trying to hear and see. I focus on my surroundings. And I try to stay focused on my questions.
 My soul runs up to me. "What are you doing here today?  I wasn't expecting you today."
"I know I wasn't planning on visiting so soon.  I need more answers."
 She looks at me .. "OK what do you need?"
"My questions are: What am I training for? What do I need to focus on? When should  I start? What kind of training am I doing? Physical, Mental, emotional, educational, vocational? There are too many options I need help to focus. What happens if I train in the wrong area?"
 She laughs out loud. Inwardly, I have a little awkward feeling. I have much anxiety about these things. She looks at me. "You know you're me right?
" ...Well yes..technically." I reply
 "Not technical...you are me. You choose to hide under your veil."
"Why do you not choose to hide?" I ask
"Because  I chose freedom." She said.
 "But you are me; did we not both choose freedom?" I asked; feeling perplexed.
"You chose earth. I chose a different...earth place. We chose."
 "Is earth harder to take off the veil? " I ask
"...no it is harder for you than for me.  Hmmm let me think of your questions for a moment. Don't add your thoughts to mine ... let me contemplate." She pauses and steps back. I am back in my living room for a moment chatting with my kids. I hear her start to talk so I jump back to the lake..

"Just as you answered yourself; you need to train physically. It will hep with mental focus.  You need to train and practice living on earth. You cannot hide until its over. Write more think less."
 "What is my goal?"....
"There is not a goal.. there is a pattern of evolving. There is people to connect to and paths to clear for others. Doors to open and soulful practice of healthy beliefs. To concrete the healthy patterns, so as to not need to repeat learning them again. You can set goals for yourself to help you, but not as an end result. You need to understand the patterns of growth are not set. Focus on reaching for a feeling and keeping it here. Write your new belief. and practice it. There are events that are going to occur and you will do best with training." She stops for a moment. "Your thoughts are merging with mine. give me a moment."
 I pause and I lean down a dip my fingers in the water. It is cold and clear. There is grass growing on the edge of the lake. I can see small fish darting around in the grass in the water. I look up at my soul...   she is prancing around in circles and humming a tune. I look down and feel the water on my fingers. so cold and refreshing. I look up and she walks up to me again.
"You need to focus on your feet. stay on the ground. talk to people. Set up a healthy pattern for your family. Reach for more earth knowledge. The soul already knows what you need to remember. Let me speak through you while you are on earth not just here. All the things that you dream of ...pick one... and bring it to life. Then the next one. Don't try all at once. Learn then use it. Don't try to learn all first. Did I mention you need to write more? You need to grow out from the veil. It hides you very well. Your light is blocked completely from here.  I can only see you when you are here. You will understand when you pull it off what I mean. But If I tell you each step the path will change."
"I have another question: on the earth that you live are we with our soul mate?" I ask.. 
"No I am waiting for us to catch up to each other. That is a journey we take together. when we are both whole."
"Am I not whole now?" I ask. "I feel like a whole person..."
 "Your soul is hiding.... whole ..not like fruit, but like all the cylinders on a car working; all the tires inflated evenly. All the rooms cleaned during spring... does this make sense?"
 "Yes.... So the first step?"
 "You will see... the mundane things save space for the rest of it." She answers.
"Do I start tomorrow?" I ask...as I feel my anxiety rise in my chest.
 "You cannot grow a plant in a day.... Maybe you can plant the seed... or pull the weeds where you want to plant... maybe a tree or rocks are in the way and you need to remove them first.... Maybe if you write it down. Not goals..patterns of success...with limitless outcomes... with a leap that is freedom, with patterns after that, that you can't plan yet.."
"Do you have bad days on your earth?" I ask
 "Yes...my freedom was hard fought, but the blanket on my earth is not as heavy as yours. It takes less time, energy, emotion and fight to gain freedom."
 "How can 1 soul split? I ask.
"With out a long story... we chose to divide and conquer. Not all souls do. Some splinter. Earth has been hard. This time is better with a tether to my earth. I can't explain more yet."
"Do you travel in time? I ask
 "Yes." She replies.
"Can you actually leave your earth?" I ask.
"Yes, but again my earth is not as heavy." She says.
"Will I be able to travel like that?"
"I cannot say... it depends. It is not a end goal nor a focus for our soul to master. As long as you do not hide behind it." She says.
I take a deep sigh. "OK."
"Do not leave here disappointed. You came for answers, they should be without expectation of answer. Go home and write the patterns down that you want to have, write down the belief you want and why. write down the emotions you want to feel, and what they are brought from. Write why you want to travel and where. Write it down until it is clear where you are in your gardening process. Think about how long it takes for a plant to grow. Draw a garden if you must. Plan out what you want it to look like. design it, then create it. And remember it is yours and your alone, but all of those you want in your life must have a place in, and space in your garden. You need to plan, and train."
I thank my soul for her/our /my help. I give her a hug and for a moment our soul is one. I try to feel the lightness and freedom as it is a part of me for a moment. I can feel the veil over me. I step back and thank her again.
She laughs. "Of course."  "Be sure and let me know when you meet him. I know where he is on my earth. I am just waiting for you."
 I laugh .."OK I will come tell you. Gosh will  I know when I meet him?"
 She laughs...not at first. But as you tether yourself to your memories they will resonate with him. HE will know. Don't let that go."
"OK sounds good" I reply.
I turn around and walk to the boat. I climb in and enjoy the cruise across the lake with the warm air blowing my hair. I climb out and start on the path down the away from the lake. I go quickly. I can see my couch at the bottom of the trail I step onto my couch and back to my living room.

Night Lights

I am going to try an experiment... I often times tune in to things when I am driving or writing. So I am going to try writing, and on Saturday I will try it driving...Safely of course.


Today I am focusing on #MybestfriendIhaventmetyet I know it is not the right time to meet him, but I have faith he is out there. I don't know where, but that is OK too..


I start to rise up from my room up into the sky..I start to question what exactly I'm looking for. Am I looking for someone? Am I looking for a light that I feel good about? I float higher in the sky. Is he here in the city with me? Is he far away? I turn around in circles looking around. I see a light ...as I float to it...the energy is not comforting. I float past it and climb higher. I wonder if he is sleeping? Does his soul know mine is looking? Is his looking for mine? What will his soul do if he is looking for me? what will I say?
I can see all of Lake Tahoe, the mountains and the sea to west in the distance.  I stop and scan the ground. I can see a few lights floating above the ground swirling around their home. I look around some more. Will his soul be out here looking for mine?
 I rise higher into the sky. The city lights are gone, and the mountains look like bumps on the ground. I look out on the horizon. Not as many souls are floating around. Some are zooming around, some are like shooting stars. They can only be seen for a moment. 
I know if he is here, he will be doing the same thing I am...searching. I start to fly East as I look for the familiar light. It has been many lifetimes since we have danced in the beam of each others light. I see a light in the distance that shines brighter than others. I rush towards this orb of shining light. I stop in front of the light. I can see the image of who the soul belongs to. He looks at me bewildered and gives me a hug. I know at this moment he is just a friendly soul. I climb higher into the sky.
 The curve of the earth is now a complete crescent. I can see the light of the sun peeking on the horizon. I look around and there he is. The familiar glow that only his soul can produce. I fly to him, our souls swirl around each other as we become brighter together. We dance in the light of the sun on the horizon. We soared up higher and circled the world. We flew past the heat of the sun and back to the dark of the night.


I hear my alarm start to buzz .. in an instant I'm back in my room reaching for my alarm. I hit the snooze button and close my eyes again. I fly back up the edge of the sky and search for him. I stop and scan the sky. I cant find him anywhere. Searching for his light, and his comfort. The moment was so fleeting and quick. I let myself fall back to earth, no longer feeling the want to fly.

I feel the wind howling around me as I continue to fall. I feel the earth getting closer to me, I can feel my heart start to beat again. I take a deep breath and my alarm buzzes again. Back in my room again. I sit up in bed, and think to myself...When will I see him and feel him again. Will we meet face to face or only on the astral plane? We can always dance in the the light of the night, and dance in our dreams.

The Power

I recently came to an epiphany. A paused moment in time, a second of clarity where I can see everything behind me and in front of me. I need to own the power that I had before. Own it, not relive it. Own it, not redo it. Own it, not accept at face value. I dont want to put this power back on, like an old coat that smells of mold and moth balls. I need to own it, like a vase that you retrieve from the pawn shop. But this time you actually use it to put flowers in; instead of using it as a puke bucket. I need to own the power that I had before. Before I felt used and cheapened. Before I gave away my power because I didn't know I was giving it away. I didn't even know it was something to have. It was an unbridled power that was seeming to harm myself and other people. I was stumbling through time, carelessly abusing what I had to offer. I didn't understand the wounds I was carving, or how I was changing my own timeline. I didnt understand how I was creating the walls I was building. I allowed myself to become broken.  I couldn't rid myself of this power. I convinced myself that this power that I had would be enough to convince someone of the beauty of my soul. And the men that loved this power would eventually love the rest of me. I was wrong. This took me a long time to learn. I tried to shed the power, I ignored it, refused to use it, pretended that it didn't exist. I tried to believe that if the power was no longer there and all that was left was my soul, that the man I had invested my time in would fall in love with me. I was wrong. I know things unfolded for reasons beyond the simplicity of power or no power.

I know now that I need my power. I need to learn to control it and harness it. I need to cultivate the power within myself. I need to have faith that  I will see through the men that simply want the power and nothing else I have to offer.

Blind Date .... Dry run

I went on a blind date with my self tonight. It was an eye opener. First and for most I had to work late, so the date was 2 1/2 hours later than planned. I automatically made the assumption  that the other person would instantly no longer be interested. Which I guess I really do not know. So I got home from work to change my clothes and I instantly started to talk myself out of going. Too tired , nothing to wear. (I was going to Starbucks...alone) Then I go in the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I hear the voice saying you look awful, no one is going to want to hang out with you. I look like a mess. I have pimples, my hair is gray, and brown, and blond. Super unattractive. If the voice is this loud going somewhere alone, I cant imagine how loud it would be if  I was actually meeting a stranger. I almost convinced myself I wasn't worth my own time. That is crazy. As I sit and reflect on the evening, I can see that my expectations of myself in this type of situation is unreasonable. I feel like I should magically turn into someone else that this person I've never met will like. I'm caught between not wanting someone to only want to be with me for what I can offer them physically, and still wanting them to find me attractive. As if the idea that someone finding me attractive means they will not see the beauty of my soul.

The Journey of our Souls

Many years ago they lived in the mist.
 They danced in light, and their souls shined their brightest when they were near to each other.
Never did either one stray far. The warmth of the light and their love surrounded them and anyone near to them. As they held each other tight, they knew the time was right. Their love was at it brightest. They had spent lifetimes together. In the mist of the heavens and on the land of this earth. Always together, only moments apart. As each lifetime passed they knew the time drew near. Time apart was the only way. Their souls had to learn some painful things. They chose to separate and learn while apart. Rather than risk damaging the love and the light that they shared. As the time drew near they held each other close. Confident that their souls would continue to shine bright enough; that after all was said and done, they would still find each other in the dark of night. They embarked on their journeys separate from each other for the first time in eons of lifetimes. As they both endured struggles and setbacks, they tumbled through lifetimes. Their souls still shined bright.  Many diminished souls drew close to share the light. After many lifetimes their souls bright light began to fade. They needed each other to stay that bright. Finally they arrived at this lifetime. They are both alright. They were sure that as they had done before, the searching would not be necessary. Their love and light would bring them together right from the start. Neither had realized the path
back to each other would be another struggle to overcome in this life. The other diminished souls; who remember them from before, still tried to latch on to gain some insight. Time has faded their memories, their souls were not as resilient as they had hoped. They continue to search for each other on this mother earth plane. So they can hold each close in the comfort of their light again. So their souls can heal again with renewed love and freedom. The knowledge they carry now will keep them together forever now. In the mists of the heavens and lands of this earth.