Where does magic begin?

     As I awoke from what felt like a deep sleep, I found myself in an empty white walled room with a giant TV screen on one wall. There was a stack of DVDs on the floor with all of the titles of movies and TV shows I have loved and watched all of the episodes. A door opens behind me. Roger, a tall, olive skin-colored, man with dark curly hair, and a thick Italian accent steps into the room. 

"Raquel, what are you going to watch today?" 

I turn and look at him. 

"I don't know." I reply despondently. "I don't know if it matters. I am only the viewer."

Roger lifts up a stack of DVDs that he is holding. 

"They are all labeled Rachel's Life. These are all "episodes" or "life events" where you were the main character. Do you remember them? These events? Can you tell me what it felt like to play that role?"

I take the stack of DVDs and sort through them, reading the titles. "I was not the main character in any of these." I chuckle as I hand them back to him. 

"How do you know?" he asks. 

"There were so many people that those stories revolved around. These didn't really have anything to do with me." I respond. 

Roger laughs, "I guess you are not an expert on making movies and shows." 

"What do mean?" I ask.

"The main character is for the viewer, not the actor, Raquel." Roger answers. 

"Ok, so what does all of, this, mean to me?" I ask. as I motion to the TV and white walls. 

"I need you to help me prove to you that you ARE the main character in your own life. Being the main character in the show you want to be in requires many action shots. Document how ever you please, as long as you can review the scenes to put them together. The magic is in each of the moments. How many can you create in a day? What is the image you want for the character?" 

"Where do you want to start?" 

                                                   Photo by Elena Mozhvilo on Unsplash

The Plan

 As I sit here pondering the next 6 months and what I intend on creating, I feel my thoughts and emotions tumbling down the stream bed bouncing off rocks and swirling around, blending into the next fold of water without care. 

What do I want? What do I want to change? Accomplish? Create? Learn? 

What is wrong with what is currently being accomplished, created, learned, received and altered?

Am I being selfish? Crazy, illogical? Unrealistic? Arrogant? 

I carefully pluck each of these words off of me and set them down on the table. 

I take a deep breath in, close my eyes and open them again. I look at the words sitting on the table as each of them bursts into a water puddle and water runs off the edge of the table. 

Roger appears; standing in front of my sliding glass door. He sits down at the table and starts patting his hand on the water puddled on the table splashing everything. 

"Raquel, what is this? you know you can call me like normal people and not pour water everywhere." He laughs at his own joke and then quiets again. 

"You have been doing well Raquel. Every action today echos into the future. Bold changes require bold action, but the proof is in the echos. Let us meet with the OGs and GOATs. They await our arrival." He places his hand over mine and in a blink we are in the conference area we had met before. They are all seated at the table already. The Skeleton Woman speaks first. 

"Do you have your written plan to present?" I turn to Roger and give him a look that says: What plan? written? what did you not tell me? I don't have a plan!

"Raquel has lived in the confines of humanhood for too long to truly articulate her plan. She weighs and measures against pesky things like gravity and the Gregorian calendar." Roger says.  They all chuckle in unison while I give Roger the Side eye. 

"Speak anyway" says Skeleton Woman. 

"Ok, I start. I want to own a Crime lab, and a bookstore, and have search dogs and horses, and a contract with DOJ? FBI? Interpol? to assist with cases. I want to have a presence on the internet via websites, youtube or whatever."..I start to trail off. 

"And?" says Skeleton Woman.

"Um I guess that's it" I reply.

 "You know I can see your thoughts, right?" She says.

"Oh well, now I do ...yes." I stammer.  

"Remember to be whole, your dream must have all 4 pillars AND a foundation. Please continue." Says Skeleton Woman. 

"Ok.....I want financial freedom to pay....Nevermind...just finanacial freedom" I correct myself. "There are those pesky earth limits." I joke uncomfortably.  "I want to travel and provide a stable and secure life for my kids."

I stop talking and pause.

"Go on" says Skeleton woman. 

"Ummmm, I guess I would like to have a partner, a compadre, someone to share this journey with." 

I stop talking again and look at Skeleton Woman.

"Keep going" she says.

"Uhhh ok, I want to trave..  "NO" she interrupts..."Keep going. Remember 4 pillars AND a foundation."

"Um ok," I say.

 I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I have no idea what she wants me to say. I look to Roger for help and he is playing Sudoku. Ugh ok.

Pillars and foundation. 

"I need a clear path, healthy body, happy family and action?" I ask. 

I admonish myself: I didn't mean to form this into a question. I take a deep breath because honestly I cant tell if I am holding my breath or not. 

"Um maybe you can help me with my own thoughts," I say, with a nervous chuckle. I feel my face turn hot as I realize I said this out loud to a table full of literal God and Goddesses.

Skeleton Woman stands up. 

I take a step back from the table. I feel Rogers hand on my back as he pushes me back to the edge of the table. 

Skeleton Woman starts to speak and then pauses. "You need to speak" she says.

"Your foundation is knowledge, love, health and action. Your pillars are family, finances, freedom, and friendship." 

"I am so sorry, I don't know how that helps me" I reply. I look at Roger for support in my confusion.

 "I literally want to create a variety of somethings out of nothing, without the you know...knowledge part of the foundation. I don't know how to learn all of that in one lifetime." I continue. 

This elicits another round of chuckles and outright laughter from the table. 

"You must Speak" says Ganesh. "the Action of speaking out loud TO people will allow us *he motions to the table* to follow the energy lines needed to help you. This is what you called us for correct?"

"Um, yes" I reply quietly. 

The old man stands. "We *he motions to the table* only see the energy. We are not bogged down by peskiness as you put it. You have called us to you, to assist with, for us, a very simple endeavor. YOU my friend carry the heavy shall we say Gravitous burden of creating the energy. "

The old man sits back down. 

"Ok," I reply. "I honestly am unsure where to start, or what the best path is."

Skeleton Woman rises again. "You must speak aloud to people until you are no longer uncomfortable."

I feel Rogers hand on my arm and before I could even blink I was back at my kitchen table. and another blink sitting in my room typing this.

The Old Lady Part 2

It was a crisp cool day in November. The sun was shining, but the air was cold and biting. The leaves that remained on the branches, still clinging to Autumn, were almost all turned yellow and red, but they were still there on the tree limbs. I was walking down the sidewalk on  a quiet street lined with trees and townhomes, headed into town for lunch.
I saw an elderly woman walking slowly up ahead of me a ways. I drifted off into thought for a few minutes.
I came back to reality as I got closer to the old woman. I did not want to startle her so I slowed my pace a little bit. She was carrying a blue reusable grocery bag, and a little brown purse in the crook of her right elbow. She wore a nice navy blue peacoat and white pants. I continued my slow pace behind her. As we approached the next grouping of townhomes, I looked up at them. They were brown with small windows upstairs and down. There was a little porch for each one, and a small concrete walkway that cut straight to the sidewalk. As we approached the first walkway the old lady turned and shuffled onto the concrete walkway. She glanced up towards me and made eye contact with me. I guess she could hear me behind her.
All of the sudden she let out a loud cry!
AHHH!.
OWW!
She gripped her elbow, and held it tight against her. She looked up at me as I trotted up to her. "What happened?" I asked....trying to assess the situation.
"Oh my elbow, it slipped out of socket!" She said. She moved her hand away from her elbow. Even through the thick blue peacoat, I could see the arm extend a little too far down at the bend of her elbow.
"Let me help you with your bags." I said.
She let me gently pull her bags off her arm. She shuffled up the step to her door, and with her left hand she fished around in her pocket and found her house keys. She got the door open and we stepped inside.
It was a small place. The entrance to the stairs was right in front of me. To my left was two closed doors and to my right was the living room. The old lady shuffled into the living room past the couch to the chair that was already pulled out at the table. There was an old man on the couch. He was dressed in a suit and his head was resting on a pillow on the arm of the couch. He had a black hat on and it was pulled down over his eyes.
"You just put those bags on the floor there."
She pointed to kitchen floor just around the corner of the room. I walked the bags over, trying to be quiet for her napping husband.
I turned toward her and said "do you want me to call an ambulance for you?"
She shook her her head, no. "If you could just help me get my coat off, that will do just fine."
I walked up to her with my back to the old man asleep on the couch. I was helping her stand up from her chair, when I felt something behind me. I turned around and the old man was standing behind me; towering over me by a solid foot. I gasped and started to apologize for waking him, when I realized he was not old. I stared at him for a few seconds as my thoughts started to process what was happening, and the fear started to rise in my throat.
My mind started to race through a million thoughts trying to reason with myself and calm the panic I was starting to feel. I continued to stare at him, unsure of what to say. My mouth was dry, I could feel my fingertips tingling with fear.
"I...I.........I am s..sorry I woke you up" I stammered. My voice cracking a little as I tried to get the words out.
He said nothing. He didn't move. He was standing so close to me I could feel the exhales of his breath through his nose. His eyes were still, and cold, his face was emotionless.
I tried to step back and felt my leg hit the chair behind me. I finally remembered the old lady and slowly turned to look at her.
She was still old. She stood there with a slight smirk in her face, at least I think it was a smirk. She was still holding her elbow as if it hurt, but she didn't say anything.
"Is this your son?" I asked. My voice shaking a little. "What is going on?" "I should get going." The words were tumbling out of my mouth as a sinking realization started to wash over me.
I look at the man, then back to the old lady. I see the flash of the knife in the man's hand. I felt the knife sink into my gut.

I step aside and look at me standing there. This is how that life ended. I had wondered if the answers were in the moments leading up to my death, or if I would have to work backwards from here. I took another step away from the man. I am happy he can't see me this time. I watch my body slump to the floor. I write down a few notes in my notebook.
I step out of the townhouse. I take a deep breath. I hated the cold air for lifetimes after this. I hated to shiver, as if that was what led me inside the townhouse. I start to walk back up the  street. The portal to the next life I am studying is ready.

THE REST OF THE STORY

 I stood there for  awhile staring down at my body lying on the floor. I tried hard to move my fingers and toes. I felt like I was breathing yet it was effortless. But I could not get myself back to being on the floor. I watched the man wrap my body up in a tarp and carry me out of the room. I watched him carry me down the stairs to his basement. I started to feel more panic as I start to realize I might not connect to my body again. This might be it. I I start to float higher like a hot air balloon. I start yelling and kicking and screaming and grabbing at the air. Nothing happens. No sounds, no sensations besides my fear anger, and sadness. I scream and cry until I just can't anymore. I must fall asleep as I am floating, because when I wake up I am in a room with a movie theater size TV. 

The first person I see, I walk up to and ask, "can you hear me?" 

He turns to me and says "yes of course. Welcome to the other side of the veil. How are you feeling?"

"Like shit" I reply. "How do I get back to ....earth?" as I motion toward the screen. 

"Oh that takes a little time. There is the planning room down the hall."

"I don't want to plan, I want to go back to the one I was just at." I reply. 

"Oh, he says quietly . you can't, you died. Your body died." 

"But what if I am never found? I have to stay connected somehow. I need to be sure my parents know what happened to me. Its not fair, I need to tell them."

"The communication area in down the hall, but good luck its REALLY loud on earth. Nobody hears anything down there." The person says.

I take a deep breath and walk down the hall. I see a sign that says communication center, I push the double doors open. And the room seems infinite. I can't see the end of the room nor the sides. The room is full of people, screens and keyboards clacking. There is someone standing by the doorway. I walk up to them, and say "I need to get a message to my parents. apparently I died on earth and I need to make sure my body is found so my parents will be ok. Can you help me?"

"Of course" the person replies. He walks us down a path between the computer stations until we reach an empty one. "Ok how to I use this?" I ask. 

"Well you find the person you want to send a message to and then you use different things around them to send them a message. If you need to search for person you don't know, you can ask here in this section. Good luck, people there can't hear much." "Yeah, I heard that already." I say. 

I sit down and type in Mom. I zoom in and can see my mom and dad sitting on their couch. They don't know I am gone yet. ugh. Ok, how to I tell my parents I am dead? 

I start typing into the communication box: mom, can you hear me? I hit the enter button and wait. I don't really know what I am waiting for. My mom picks up her phone and looks at it. "She hasn't called yet tonight, I'm surprised." she says to my dad. He shrugs and says "well she is probably working or hanging out with friends. You can't expect her to call every day."

"I know" she says with a sigh and puts down her phone. I type in the box: call me and hit enter. I wait for my mom to respond. nothing. Mom, call me. I type and hit enter. I wait again. My mom picks up her phone. "I'm just gonna text her." She types a message to me. Somehow I am able to zoom in and read it. Hi its mom, just checking in. love you. She hits send. I see the image zoom to my phone. Its sitting on the table in the house I just died in. I feel cold and sick to my stomach. I see the man pick up the phone. He must have unlocked it with my fingerprint. I see him start to respond to the message. 

"NOOOOO!!! STOP!!!! "I scream at the screen.

 Love you too mom, im super tired tonight, just chilling in bed. He hits send on the message. My moms phone dings. She picks it up and reads it. She smiles and says "oh honey you were right, she is at home." I start typing furiously into the communication box. Mom that wasn't me that was someone else. I never go to bed right now. I didn't put a heart emoji at the end of my sentence you have to know that's not me MOMMM!! you have to listen to me! I hit enter on the keyboard and wait. and wait, and wait. Nothing. My mom and dad get up and go to bed after the movie they are watching. Ok think think think. Who else can I tell. Ooh my friend jessica. I type in her name and she appears on the screen. Jessica can you hear me? I type and hit enter. She is at dinner with friends from work. nothing. I hear static. Ok this isnt working. I get up and go back to the person at the entrance.

 "I can't get anyone to hear me. What do I do now?" I ask. 

"Well you can wait until morning and try again." 

"OK do I need to go sleep or eat or something?" I ask. 

"No" the person laughs. "you just scroll the timeline. you can move it back and forth. Its not linear here."

 I went and sat back down at the screen. I had the next few days off from work so there would not be any red flag there. My main hope was my mom. I typed into the box: mom can you hear me? I died, I need you to find me. I hit enter. The words swirled around on the screen and turned into what seemed like random images. This must be my mom's dream. It's me driving in a car telling her I'm dead. in the dream she is crying. Fingers crossed she understands the message. I roll fast forward on the timeline to morning. She gets up and looks at her phone. she looks again at the message from my phone. Good morning, can you call me? she texts and hits send. She turns to my dad and tells him she had a bad dream and doesn't feel good. He gets up and says he will grab her some coffee. The man who killed me turned off my phone. The message to me stayed on delivered. Mom went to work. I typed messages to her all day. Just static responses. As she left work she opened her cell and called me. The phone went straight to voicemail. The static stopped. I started typing again. Mom please check on me. Go to my house. She called my dad and said she was going to run some errands before heading home. Instead, she drove to my house. I can't tell if she heard me or not. I see her calling the police. Everything seems to move a little faster. they search the house. the officer takes notes. I fast forward through a few days. The Detective seems to be on the right path to finding me. He keeps driving past the house I died in. I just need to figure out how to tell him. I seemed to get my mom to understand. She keeps telling the detective I didn't run away, didn't do drugs, and that I must be held captive in a house somewhere. 

I zoom in on the detective. He is studying the case file. I start typing Hi can you hear me? It's me, the person you are currently looking for. I'm in a house. I hit enter and wait to see if he can hear me. There is no static, so I am hoping he can. The person that helped me with the computer walks up behind me.

 "You know you can click on items in and around the person you are trying to communicate with and use those if they have energy flowing through them."

"Oh like the TV?" I ask. "Yes." he says. 

I click on the TV. I type in the box: I'm in a house. Can you hear me? The next commercial is a hearing aid commercial with a man in front of a house that has the same colors as the one I died in. I start to get excited as he stares at the TV. Maybe he gets it! I think. He grabs his phone and opens his texts. He starts typing Hey! we should get a house soon, I just saw a commercial that reminded me that  I wanted to tell you that. He hits send and puts his phone down. I heave a deep sigh and turn to the person helping me. 

"Is all communication this hard?"

The person nods. "Yes, it can be challenging until you find someone who truly hears. Keep trying, maybe some of the message will get through."

 I spend the next week, then month, then three months typing messages to the detective. I tried to give him the address, I showed him the color of the house, I sent basement images. He noticed everything yet didn't put anything together. I even got clear tarps to fall in front of him at Home Depot. The address was on every license plate, the cost of gas. My mom seemed to have heard me and kept insisting I was inside someone's home. He even pulled over IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE I DIED IN to respond to my mom's text. I watch in anguish as the direction of my parent's lives shift completely. 

I sit back in my chair and think. It's been months since I left. No one is understanding the messages. It's like charades and pictionary together with a wall in between the players. Who else can I try? I think back to my time on earth. I snap my fingers. John Edwards! I type his name in. Meeting room 4 is the message that pops up on my screen. The person from the door way comes over to me. "Follow me" the person says. I get up and we walk through a door that didn't seem to be there a few minutes ago. There are hundreds of people in the room. There are seats but people are milling around.

 "What is this?" I ask. 

"Everyone hopes to get a message through. People like John Edwards tune in and everyone starts typing at once. If the person they are connected to on earth is near to him their message gets bolded. He can hear it better." The person explains. "Ugh, ok so if the detective or my mom isn't seeking him out he probably won't hear me." I say dejectedly. "Unfortunately yes," the person responds. "Are all of them like this?" I ask. "The big psychics. Yes." The person replies. 

"Have you tried spirit guides yet? sometimes they are more successful."

"No" I reply. "What's a spirit guide and where are they?" 

"Follow me" the person says. We walk through the room and exit into another large open area. It looks like a bunch of starbucks lounge areas, with groups of people at each one. Some of them only have 2-3 people some have 6-7 people. There is what looks like a hostess stand in front of us. The person motions to come over to it. "Here is where you can look up the group. Let's type in Mom and hit enter." The person explains. The group in front of us seems to morph into a different group. "This is your mom's spirit guides."

 I walk up to them. "Can you get a clear message to my mom?" I ask. "We can try. What is the message?" One of them asks. "I can be found at 628 Jefferson street in the basement." I reply. 

"Oooooooh That's tough." one of the group says. "Super clear details are very hard to get through. We can get the 6 and Jefferson but the rest gets lost. We will try though."

"Ok, thank you." I reply. I walk back to the hostess stand and type in the detectives name. I watch as the groups blend and change until the group in front of me is clear. I walk up the new group and ask, if they are the spirit guides for the detective. "Yes ma'am" they reply in unison. "Can you get him a message?" I ask. They all break out in hearty laughter, "Have you met this man?" one of them asks. 

"No, I have only seen him through the veil." I reply. 

"We have been trying to give him guidance on your case. so far, no luck."

"Do all of his cases ask for help?" I ask. 

"No, some are happy to cut ties and move on. Some give up, some have other things that weigh heavier on them to communicate with the otherside. We have a few. We keep their case files here and when we feel like there might be a chance he will hear us, we open the file and pull them to us." 

"Can I leave a case file with you?" I ask. "Yes ma'am. Just touch the corner of the table here and it will be here." I reach over and touch the corner and sure enough a grey case file appears on the table. 

I turn to the Helper. "What about a broad search of people that might be able to hear me that know either my mom or the detective? Can I find them and send a message?" The person points back to the desk I was at. "Just zoom out. It will show you if anyone near them can hear you."

 I go and sit back down. It feels like it has been a whole year of trying to get people to hear me but it has only been a few days as far as I can tell. On earth it has now been 6 months. I continue to send messages and practice different ways to get my message across. I try everyone I can think of, and everyone that they know. It all ends up garbled, ignored or mistranslated. I wish I could just step through the veil and write a note. Would they even believe what they saw? 

I need a break. I get up and before I can step away from my desk the Helper is next to me. Come with me the person says. We walk through the big conference room to the other side where the spirit guides gather. We step in and stand in front of the hostess station. "What are we doing here?" I ask. "I am tired and ready to give up. It might be time. I left my case file with the detective and I have done everything I can to get through to my mom."

 The person turns to me. "You can always leave an impression here and move on. But it is not as strong of a signal when there is communication."

 "OK" I sigh. 

"There are people who work on cases outside of the detective and there are people that can hear their spirit guides better than others. This group here is the spirit guides for someone named Rachel. This is Roger. he communicates most frequently with her."

 I walk up to him. "Roger, you are able to talk with someone on earth?" I ask a little incredulously. "How? they don't understand anything."

 Roger laughs "that is true." He says with a strong italian accent. "I don't know how Raquelle understands me but she does. She ignores me on purpose, often, but can still hear me when she chooses."

" Can you tell her to find me?" I ask. 

"I can." Roger replies. "She will not be able to find you immediately. She is working on opening up the channels needed to be able to execute missing person searches properly."

 "What does she need?" I ask. "How long until she is ready? Why can't you just tell her my name?" I ask. "What is your name?" Roger asks. 

"I'm......um, my name is....." I turn to the helper. "Why can't I remember my own name?" I gasp. "I am...me. I am .....fuck how do I not remember?"

 I turn to Roger and ask "How will you know when she sees my case?"

" Oh I have a map" says Roger. "It will send a signal. I will call you as soon as she looks at it."

 "Has she found anyone yet?" I ask.

 "Wellll, so the problem is I have been prodding Raquelle to start looking for people her whole life, but things came up and we are back on track. She has reviewed and studied many cases. There is an entire room full of people that are awaiting her skills to be utilized."

 "What is she doing now? Can I talk to her?" I ask. "Do I need to go to my computer to speak with her?"

 "No" Roger replies. "She can hear you now. She is driving. and listening."

 "Tell her I am waiting for her to find me, so I can be set free."

 "She heard you" Roger replied. 

I sit down and take a deep breath. I guess now I wait. 

Meeting Of the Minds

I sit down at my kitchen table and take a deep breath. I have so many things I need to be doing and instead I am panicking about meeting with a group of Deities that I have called upon to help me with this 7 month container. I look up and look at the sliding glass door leading outside to my backyard. I close my eyes and open them again. It has become a solid white door. I look across the table and my spirit guide is now sitting across from me. He motions to the door without saying anything. 

I get up and walk to the door and open it. I step into the darkened warehouse. The light above the conference table is bright. I go to the chair at the end of the table and sit down. I look down at the papers I have brought with me. I look up and all of the Deities are now sitting at the table. I gasp and jump back in my chair. 

The Dagda raises his hand in a little wave. "We move quietly and swiftly, pardon the surprise. You have something in your hand?"

"Yes, I printed the plan for the container so you could better understand and hopefully explain to me how you all can help and support me during this 7 month journey."

"Please read for us." He says.

"Ok, so there are 4 Pillars. Shadow Work, Witnessing, community, leveraged commitment.

The energy dynamics focus is Intentional Action, Consistent vulnerability, Power-with Boundaries, Finance/emotion/time commitment, Ceremonies/Rituals, Generous gratitude action.

The shadow work: "A willingness to open my heart, inviting deities and cohorts as peers, into the heart space. Seeking their support as witnesses and guides, as we call up our old stories, fears, wounds, and the death-life-death journey of the old."

You are the Deities." I stop talking at this point and put the papers back on the table.

All 9 of the OGs, and GOATs stand up.

The Dagda speaks again. "We are doing ....Shadow work. Are you ready for this next step?" He does a "come here" hand motion towards the door.

Roger my spirit guide steps into the warehouse, and walks up to the conference table.

The Dagda turns to Roger and asks: "She decerns you clearly?"

"Yes she hears me clearly. and does well with separating her internal dialogue and myself."

The Dagda nods. "Very well. Thank you."

"These meetings will need to be done while you are alone moving forward."

He sits back down as does everyone else.

There are the golden goblets in front of each of us.

Hygieia speaks first - "The Depth and importance of self care. What we learned at 12 we will learn again."

Erebus speaks next. - "The Fears will rise, your understanding of your past lives helps greatly. "

Itspapalotl raises her goblet- "The dead shall speak."

Aine places her hand on her goblet- "The gratitude is in the details, we will find them."

Ganesh picks up his goblet- "Its luck when you can't hear the whispers. You must silence the mind."

Soteria leans forward in her chair, and clasps both hands around her goblet, but stays silent.

Euphorsyne picks up her goblet- "Finding joy underneath the darkness. Tulips in the snow."

The Dagda touches his goblet-him and Soteria look at each other. He looks back at me.

Soteria speaks up- "I will guide the protection."

The Dagda joins in- "And I am your accountability. We will meet more often than your sister wrote in the plan. We must see progress. We will let you work with your spirit guides to see clearly the goals to be reached by the end of the container."

With a blink of my eyes they were gone. It was just Roger and I at the conference table. We both got up and walked quietly through the door, back to my kitchen. Another deep sigh as I sit back down at the table.

I turn to Roger, "why didn't Caishen say anything?" I ask.

"He did", Roger replied. "You have some work to do in this area. He held up his goblet and said -Moving the stones of desire and fear open the creekbed to the flow of wealth and water.

You couldn't hear him." Roger says.

Meeting with OGs and GOATs

 I sit down at a kitchen table with Roger. 

"How does this work? where do I go for this meeting?" I ask. 

"There is a conference room. In your mind, that is a common meeting ground. Its through the door." He points to a door along the back wall that I thought went outside. 

"Do you come with me?" I ask.

"I am here," he points to his temple. "and I am here." he points to the chair. 

I take a deep breath and look down to see what I'm wearing. Its a grey business suit. with a pink blouse..lol

I open the door and step through the doorway. The door shuts behind me. I can see the floor, it is shiny with a single light over the conference table to the right of me. It is too dark to see the walls or see how big the room is.

I walk over to the conference table. It is oval with 4 chairs on either side and 1 chair at each end. 

I go and stand at the closest end of the table to me. 

I hear the thunder of horse hoofs coming towards me. A dark horse with a skeleton wearing a black cape, rides up to me. As the horse and skeleton rider stop, there is a swarm of black and purple butterflies that catch up to the rider. I see a few pink butterflies floating around too. 

"I am Itspapalotl." The skeleton woman says. "I shall have a seat as we await the arrival of the others."

Another horse gallops up. this one has no rider and the horse is a deep red. The horse turns into a woman with long red hair. 

"I am Aine." She says. She look to the Skeleton woman and nods, and takes a seat next to her. 

I hear an elephant bellow loudly but I don't see an elephant. A man walks out of the shadows. He is wearing a grey suit and a green shirt underneath the jacket. 

"Hello all, I am Ganesh." He nods towards me and the women, already seated. 

Three women walk out of the darkness together. One is wearing a long white gown, with black hair. 

"I am Euphrosyne" (Eh fro sin ee). 

One is wearing a white pantsuit and has a box of golden wine glasses with a golden snake carved on the stems. 

"I am Hygieia, I have brought a goblet for everyone," she says as she lifts the box of goblets up. 

The third woman is wearing a long purple dress, and has a flower wreath in her brown hair. 

"I am Soteria, It is a pleasure to meet with all of you." 

There is a pause as the three women sit down. In the distance we can hear crows cawing and a loud deep tiger roar. We also hear the sound of a sword dragging along the floor.  

A man steps out of the shadows dragging his large sword. Next to him is a black and gold striped tiger, and there is a swarm of crows flying around them. 

"I am The Dagda" says the man, in a deep booming voice, as he lifts his sword over his back, and slides it into its sheath. 

The black tiger turns into a man. "I am Caishen." He puts his hands to his sides and bows and then takes a seat. 

The crows continue to fly in circles until man appears and the crows disappear. "I am Erebus." 

The man standing before us is wearing all black, with dark skin. He makes a fist and places his arm across his chest and takes a long nod to the people at the table. He then walks over and quietly takes a seat. 

They all shift in their seats and turn towards me. I want to melt into the floor. I don't really know what to say. My throat feels dry. 

"Hi." I finally croak out. I wave to the table feeling like an idiot. "Um, so, thank you for all showing up. I am sure you have a very busy schedule, and to be honest I am surprised you received the invite AND were able to make it to this meeting." I hear a few chuckles coming from the table. 

The Skeleton woman raises her bones hand. "I have a question." 

"Yes, of course, go ahead." I reply. 

 "How can we help?" Skeleton woman says.

"Um, to be honest, at the moment I don't know. I was hoping you would know." I stutter out a reply. 

Skeleton woman laughs. "Well we have our work cut out for us." Everyone at the table laughs. 

"I joke," she says. "We will help you figure this out. Please tell us about this container."

"Ok, well it is a self led course my sister wrote the basics of the plan for, and I am to follow the guidelines." 

"What are your goals for the container?" asks Soteria.

"Well, I had written that I wanted seeds planted in the 12 realms. After my visit with Ginnie, I feel less settled in this." 

"Less settled about the seeds? or what the names of the realms are?" Soteria asks again.

"Um, maybe what the names are, sure. " I say hesitantly. 

"You will start all of the seeds." says Erebus. "They will be fruitful." he nods as he says this.

"I, as I am sure you all know, am struggling with the action part of all the things. The physical manifestation of what I dream, and think about is the hardest. Even as I sit here in front of all of you, I am not taking action." I say with a deep sigh. 

The Dagda stands up. "We are impressed by the group you have gathered here. We feel that the offerings you could provide will be helpful for many souls. These souls check in often for some, less frequent for others, but the ties that wrap around the fingers of earth are threaded through all the lifetimes. We are in a time of turmoil but with greatly heightened love and fortitude." He sits back down.

"There are many ways I can help." says Ganesh. "But my hints and clues are hidden and obscure at times. You will need to seek them out and feel into them. I will, during this container, offer clearer insight."

"We will decide the names of the 12 realms at a later time. we are in agreement there are 12." Says Hygieia. The table nods in agreement. 

"What is the focus within the container? "Asks Hygieia.

"Um, to move into alignment with my soul desire to work in an investigative capacity while providing above and beyond to my family and those around me." I respond.

"But beyond the investigative, is there more?" asks Aine. 

"I thought so." I reply. 

"But again I might need to narrow my scope? I understand what Ginnie was saying that trying to do so much different stuff keeps me away from the goal."

"Where is your soul currently?" asks Caishen.

"Um here with me?" I reply.

"Are you sure?" he asks.

"Well where else could my soul be? I am alive it must be with me. Right?"

"You question your souls location. To not be in alignment is to mean you are not centered with your soul, is it to mean your soul is not present. Is it elsewhere doing what you wish you are doing here on earth? That is not the process of the soul. We will seek different language to help understand alignment, and soul connection." 

"While the seeds are a solid plan, they are, as you have spoken of earlier, non tangible outside the written word." Says Itspapalotl. "We must seek early on tangible measurements of these seeds we are planting." 

"The first most tangible item we would like to see is exercise. It will help clear the mind and allow our words to flow through." 

The Dagda stands again.

"Caishen you will focus on clear language to understand the soul relationship.

Itspapalotl you will stay close and guide. 

Ganesh you will guide with clearer signs.

Erebus, Euphrosyne, Aine, Soteria, and Hygieia- please take some time to align with our next tasks. I will work with Roger and Grandma Bertha to help maintain focus." 

"Wait" I stand up. "Am I supposed to say more? Ask more?" 

"You can" The Dagda says, "but your mind whispered that it did not have more questions."

We shall meet again on Thursday."

I blinked and the table was empty. A black feather floated down and landed on the table. I turn around and walk out of the room. 

Lunch with Mom

 I sit down on my couch ready to talk to Roger.

"Ok, Roger what am I supposed to do? I am so tired and my feet hurt really bad today." 

"Oh My friend Racqele. Here is the plan tomorrow. Take vitamins in the morning, drink water. and when you get home, chart, put lights in. On Saturday work on CAC website." 

NEXT NIGHT

"Hiiiiii Roger. I did not work on CAC website today. Ugh, no vitamins, no water. I did chart today......God I feel so fucking useless."

"Racqele please focus and listen. Are you listening?"

"Ok, yes, I am listening." I say sullenly.

"Racqele, today we talk to your mom. It is the anniversary of her death you know."

"Yes I know." I said quietly.

"Racqele, you have deep sadness seeping through you. Much loss that has not been felt. Please know that starting tomorrow you will have a new energy. Your mom will be here. She is taking a seat at the table. She will be guiding you with energy to get you to your goals past the screens. Please remember that you are allowed to ignore the energy. But if you choose to respond to it, you will feel the guidance and energy. Let us go speak with her my friend."

"OK, lets go" I reply.

We both get up and walk down the stairs through the heavy door. The blue light train is already flying through the station. We walk right up and hop on the train. I have never ridden the train with Roger before. 

"This is where we go my friend." He says.

We step off to the left. I am expecting to see the grassy area where I met with Grandma Bertha. But no. We are standing in front of the coffee place that used to be called Avalon in Mt Shasta. I see my mom sitting at the bench writing in her notebook. 

I look up at Roger. "Is this right?" I ask. 

"I thought my mom could not take the form of her old self?"

"She is manipulating energy. You have met her in the light so you now recognize her energy. you add the rest and she is able to adapt to your memory. Let us go talk to her, shall we?"

"Ok," I respond.

We walk through the wooden gate and walk up to the bench. 

"Hi Mom, we are here" I say. 

"Hi, There she is, you made it. have a seat! Its good to see you!" My mom said enthusiastically.  

I try to think back and remember if my mom would say my name when she saw me and greeted me.  I don't think she did. 

Roger and I sit down opposite my mom at the picnic bench. My mom's shirt keeps changing and the cigarette she is smoking keeps appearing and disappearing. 

"Racqele  you need to pick a shirt for your mom."

"OK black and white checkers is it." I reply.

"Smoking or no?" Roger asks quietly.

"Mmmm, yes. It gives her hands something to do."

I look across the table and see my mom sitting right in front of me. smiling and smoking. She has her lists and a notebook. Ready to collaborate with me. Our favorite past time. 

"So I brought your chart and the geometry cards today so we can look at those. I'm writing a list of everything I want to get done this week. Mostly writing my book. Though you will most likely finish it after I am gone. It is too much for me to do in one lifetime." Mom says.

"Don't talk like that mom, you will finish your book, I will help." I respond. Forgetting she has already passed away and her book is not done.

"What do you have planned for this week?" She asks.

"I need to start a ton of good habits this week. Start exercising, eating healthy, showering daily."

You didn't used to have a problem with that last one. what happened?" 

"I don't know, I just struggle with it now." I say dejectedly.

"Don't let my energy from here grab onto you. It wasn't supposed to. Did you pick it up after I put it down?" 

"Um where did you put it down?" I ask.

"I buried them in the woods." Mom says. 

"I did unbury a box with a bunch of stuff in it. they were pretty heavy." 

"We are going to need to review those and find homes for them. They are just clutter." 

"Ok we can do that." I reply.

"Do you have them with you today? Mom asks.

"No I left them somewhere maybe in the house. I will need to look for them. I can bring them next time though." 

My mom opened the notebook in front of her and took a drag of her cigarette. 

"Well I reviewed your chart, and as you move out of Aries and into Taurus your energy will match that strength. It is a great time to start your new habits. The first few weeks will be challenging, and feel somewhat exhausting. Your Leo moon will solidify it. Its important to hold out until then." She explains.

"OK well that is promising."  

She continues "There is a planet transiting that says write, write write. A little everyday." 

"About what?" I ask.

"It doesn't really matter. It will all come together later." She says. 

"OK. Shower, eat healthy, write, and exercise every day from here until forever. Got it." I say somewhat sarcastically.

"Yes" she says as she chuckles.

My mom starts to flicker in and out like the reception is on the fritz. I turn to Roger. "What is happening here? Why is she flickering?" I ask.

"The focus takes energy. It fades a little after a bit. This is good. You can come here anytime to talk to mom." Roger explains. 

"Ok, I will start first thing tomorrow."

The Struggle to See Beyond The Veil

I poured myself a cup of hot coffee, and sat down at the table in the kitchen. The sun was shining and I could feel the warm sun shining in to the kitchen. Roger steps into the kitchen carrying an old book. It is big with a leather cover and raised images on the front. He sits down in the chair next me.
"Rachel" he says, with an Italian accent. He sounds like Massimo from The Wedding planner.
"I need to show you these images in the book."
 I sigh heavily. "I have tried. I don't see anything the pages are blank."
"Rachel, just look, I put them in a book, so maybe to help see them."
I open the cover of the book to the first page. there are some words centered in the middle of the page. They are blurry. I pause and try to get my eyes to focus on them. for a moment I can read it. Dedicated to, and in loving memory my Grandmother Bertha.
I turn to the next page. The index.
I turn a few more pages until I get to a page that only says: Chapter 1
I turn the page over. Bob Seger's Turn the Page starts to play from inside the book somehow. I stare at the pages, they look blank to me. ummm.... I see a glimpse of red on the right page and then its gone.  On the left page I see blue...like the ocean and a boat, a sailboat, in the ocean. The image fades in and out.  on the other page it looks like a drawing or painting. The red dress....it's on a woman. She is sitting on a bench.. in a park, or on a trail. she is looking away, I cant see her face in the picture. I turn to look at Roger...."Ok I can see these two pictures."
"Yes Rachel" as he smooths the page over with his hand .."that is good, look more, can you find the words in the picture? I will get myself a cup of coffee while you look."
 I turn and look at the page with the boat. I can barely see the image. I have to keep repeating Boat, boat, boat, in my head to keep the image on the page, or it fades to white. I smooth the page over with my hand. Maybe its the light glare on the shiny page. For a moment I can see writing under the boat in the water. I run my hand over the page again..but its gone.
In a blink I am back in real life. Sitting in the chair in my living room. I get a real cup of coffee, peruse Facebook for a minute, watch my dad play his fishing game...
I can hear Roger yelling at me from the kitchen.
Ok, back to the book.
I sit back down in the chair, in the kitchen next to Roger.
"I've been calling for you." Roger laughs...."I am only kidding ..where you go, I go."
"Can you see the words?" Roger asks.
I stare at the boat picture. It is staying on the page for longer. I can see the details of the water. The fuzzy line where sky meets the sea. I lean in to look closer at the picture.
Roger laughs again. "You do not need to bring closer to you. Maybe imagine it like a zoom on your phone." He pinched his fingers on the page and expanded them ...the picture got bigger.
"Hmm OK let me try."
I look at the boat in the ocean, and reach out and expand the image like I would on my phone. It gets bigger, but blurry, then nothing, its gone. I pinch the image..the boat is back. I try again, slower. There are numbers on the side of the boat. I see for a brief moment what looks like GPS coordinates in the water. hmm...some words mixed in too. M.. comp...s...45
 On the boat there is the letter C and then numbers.
Back to trying to see the words in the water... 0645N.
Roger places his hand over the image. "Look at the next page, we will come back to this later."
"OK." I reply.
 I look at the other image on the right. The girl is white, thin, with reddish brown hair. She is wearing a red summer dress.
"See if you can read the sign." Roger said.
"I don't even see a sign in the picture." I said.
"You must walk in the image past her to see."
I look over at him, trying hard not to roll my eyes.
"I'm already imagining that I am here in the kitchen with you, now you want me to imagine in an imagination?"
"Yes."
I stare at the picture. next hing I know..I'm standing on the dirt trail.
"Hi" i say to the girl.
She doesn't turn towards me or respond.
"She cannot hear you yet. These are just pictures for now." Roger said.
I start to walk past her. She seems frozen in that spot. I can see the sign now. It's around the bend just enough to not see it from where I was. It's a wooden sign like what you see on hiking trails.
The words are printed white on the board with a brown background. I can't focus on them.
Roger whispers "White River." "That's cheating" I tell him, "I'm supposed to reading it and I can't."
"Yes but you can hear me so well, and I can read it." Said Roger. "It is OK. we will try again in a bit."
 I looked back at the girl sitting on the bench frozen in time. and with a deep breath I was back to here. sitting typing the words out onto my computer.

**I have since learned that the letters on a boat are registration. The letters correspond with the state.
** There is a town called White River, and a campground called White River, both here in California.

Photo Credit: Photo by Colton Sturgeon on Unsplash

One. Moment in Time

I paused for a moment. I realized in that moment I was not where I thought I should be. A moment ago I was sitting on my couch in my living room, scrolling aimlessly through Facebook, and with a long blink I am here.

I look down, I'm standing on a concrete slab, with green rolling hills falling away from the edges. I am wearing black boots, a long red dress with short sleeves. I take a step forward and hear a scraping sound on the concrete next to me. I turn and look down at my left hand and realize I'm holding a long sword. I am dragging the tip of it on the ground. I look around me...I don't see anyone..It is light outside, but overcast.

I take a deep breath...wtf is going on...where am I? How the f**k do I get home?

I see someone walking towards me in the distance. It appears to be a man. He is wearing all black, and dragging a sword behind him. As he gets closer I wonder if I am going to have to fight this dude. I have no idea how to sword fight...my heart starts to race as the impending doom sensation starts to roll over me. This is the beginning of the end.
I shut my eyes for a second...am I dreaming? did I fall asleep on the couch? It didn't feel like it, and this didn't feel like a dream either.

The man stops at the edge of the concrete...too far to fight, but close enough to see him and hear him.

"You wanted to see me".. He said
"I don't know what you're talking about." I reply.
"You don't recognize me?" he asked
I shook my head.... "No" I replied. "I don't."
"It's not time." He said.
"Time for what?" I asked
"Time for me to be there." He said, as he raised his sword and pointed at the sky.
I look up behind at what he is pointing at.....through the clouds I can see me sitting on the couch...still on my phone.
I look back at him...."Who are you? why are we holding swords?"
"This was our last lifetime together, do you remember? It was here on this hill that we summoned the universe and asked for the vision of our lives. What it would look like. We saw dark thunder clouds and images...remember? they were scary and dark...we held each other and cried...it was then that we decided we would live the next lives apart from each other. We did not want to darken the love we had. Do you remember?" He asked again.
"I remember the decision...I don't remember here...when do I meet you? Why did I come here?"
"I brought you here to remember."....he stepped closer to me.
"Your sister told you today, to remember the feeling...the feeling we shared ...lifetime after lifetime."

"But this is not my home" I said..."I have kids and an ex, and work...and I haven't felt this for seven or eight lifetimes...how do I feel this and all of that? Why is it not time?" I asked.
He looked down at his feet....he took another step forward..I could see the features on his face now...I could see the tears in his eyes...."I'm not ready yet" He replied softly.
"I don't think I am either" I said softly.
He stepped closer again..If I reached out I could touch him.
He stepped in again, we embraced. I could smell him, the tears stung my eyes as I held him tight.
He stepped back..."I need you to stay in the light, so I can find you"  He said.
"I don't even know what that means" I said...
"I don't either...but I keep asking the universe to bring you to me..and it keeps telling me *You will find her in the light, keep looking into the light, she will be there*."
"OK" ..I said. "I will remember" ..
"And I will find you, I promise." He said.
He looked behind him, into the distance. He looked back at me.."I have to go, I'm sorry.."
he turned and walked away, dragging his sword along the concrete until it ended.
He disappeared into the distance.
I looked up at the sky, I could still see me sitting on the couch...I could see the image on the phone..I focused on it and in a flash, I was on the couch focusing on my phone again.
I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to hold onto the feeling I had...for a second..I could feel it. The warmth of a thousand lifetimes.

Freedom

I drop my keys on the desk. This is it, this moment has been a long time coming.

The last six months I have been working tirelessly on my websites. Everything feels so synchronistic. I checked my bank account this morning before I left work. I made more money last month than the previous six months combined. When I get to work my boss calls me into her office. The paper is sitting there. I already know that she is trying to discipline me for something unnecessary. She is rattling on about something, I'm not listening. My mind is calculating the things I will lose today. My heart is calculating what I will gain today. I had imagined I would do both jobs for a few years. I would create a secure, stable income from the websites first. Now I am standing here on the precipice of change, the brink of freedom.
I think about all of the tasks I am supposed to complete today. I think about the way people are going to react about my decision. I think about the people that are going to judge me, and the people that are going to feel like I am leaving them behind. I start to feel a twinge of doubt. My mind starts to convince me to pick the keys back up again.
I look at my boss, she has stopped talking, and is staring at me, waiting for me to respond to a question I did not hear. "I don't know" I answer, unsure if that will answer sufficiently. I start to feel panicked. I cant decide which way to go. My mind is screaming at me to make it work, to take my time, to plan it out. My heart is whispering at me to take the leap.
 I think to myself "jeez universe, help me out here". My phone dings. I turn the phone over and read the text. A call off for PM, another ding before I can even look away. A full time person just quit. My mind starts to wander to the schedule. Who is going to take of these people tonight? Who is going to find coverage? The phone dings again. Another call off. "OK universe, I get the message, no more call offs" I think to myself.
I look back at my boss, she is still rattling on about some report and how she is sure she told me about it.
I take a deep breath. I look at my phone. I delete the texts, I clear the call history, and I lock the phone. I set it on the table next to my keys.
She hands me the write up, mumbling the usual "please read and sign". I take it from her, and turn the paper over. I scribble my official statement noting that I quit, as of today. I know I am forfeiting my PTO. I don't care anymore. I turn to my boss, and hand her the paper.
"Good luck, you had two staff members call off tonight and two are quitting as of right now."
She stares at the paper as I turn and walk out the door.
As I step out into the sunshine, I finally realize what freedom felt like.

At The Movies

My friend set me up with a blind date. I'm not sure why I agreed, but I did. As I stood outside of the movie theatre my mind was racing with excuses on how to get out of the date, excuses how to leave early, and a thousand critiques of my flaws thus giving him a reason to leave early. I heaved a deep sigh as I checked my phone again.

I was standing outside the theatre waiting for him to arrive. I knew he would be wearing a blue shirt, but other than that, my friend didn't want to tell me anything else. It felt like everyone was wearing blue that day.

A movie attendant came out of the building and walked up to me. "Are you Rachel?" She asked.
"Yes" I replied. Instantly thinking he had called the theatre and cancelled.
"Your date is already in the theatre." She smiled, "Follow me" she said, as she turned around and headed back into the theatre.

I followed her in the main doors, and to my surprise we continued down the hall to a theatre. She pulled the door open and we walked up the ramp into the room. There was already something playing on the screen, but I couldn't tell if it was a movie or an advertisement. The theatre was empty with the exception of a man in a blue shirt in the middle of the sea of seats. I turned to say thank you to the attendant, but she was already gone.

Well, I thought, this it, I'm either in, or, I'm out. I walked up the stairs to the row he was sitting in and walked down to the seat next to him and sat down. The movie that was playing was dark and I couldn't see his face very well.

"Hi" he said. "You can call me what ever name you like, I am from the future and I cant tell you my real name."
I looked over at him as the lights changed again so I couldn't see his features.
"Why are you coming to see me here?" I asked. "Do I know you in the future?"
He laughed, "Of course you do. I wouldn't be here with you if we didn't know each other in the future."

"Why are you here?" I asked again.
"I came back because I didn't want you to doubt. In the future you talk a lot about this time in your life. That you doubt in your self of creating the life you want. You talk about how you don't think you will meet me. I just want to ease the doubt."
I sat quiet for a minute. "Yes I do have doubts, I cant see it, so it feels impossible. The life I want, the love I want." I looked down at my hands. " I feel lost most days, and some days, stuck. Most days i am not lonely, but when I do feel it, it lays on me like a heavy blanket."

"We build the life together. That is why it is so hard for you to imagine what we create. You cant read a mind you haven't met yet." He said quietly.

"When do I meet you?" I asked.
He laughed again, "you know I cant tell you that, it will screw up the timeline. You are the one who taught me that!"
"Why did we meet here at the theatre?"
"We met here because I wanted to show you some movies. These are parts of our lives that we have created. Just me coming here will alter some things in our timeline, but nothing drastic. These videos are parts that don't change. Are you ready to watch them?" He sat silently staring at me waiting for me to answer.
I sat in bewilderment for a few moments. I looked up at the screen, and noticed it was paused. I look over at him, "Ok, I am ready" I replied with a smile. I sat back in my seat, and faced the movie screen, as he hit play on the movie of our future life.

As the movie ended, I felt a pang of sadness in my chest, and it rose into my throat. "Its perfect." I said quietly, as a tear rolled down my cheek. He gently wiped the tear away.
 "Yes, and it is ours" he replied softly. "I don't learn how to time travel until after I meet you, you will have to find me. I am sorry for that." His voiced cracked. I looked up at him to see he had tears rolling down his cheeks too.
"What should I be doing now? Is there something I can be doing more of to meet you sooner?" I asked.
"Honestly, I don't know." He replied. "I don't want to mess up the timeline. My time is up to be here with you, I have to go, I'm sorry."
 He wiped his tears away and stood up and walked away. Before he reached the door of the theatre he disappeared. I stood up and walked out of the theatre, and out into the sunlight. I looked back at the theatre, and as I was about to turn and walk to my car a man approached me.
 "Hi, are you Rachel? I'm Ted, your blind date!"

Conversation with future me.

Conversation with future me.


I am not really sure if I need to travel to the future to speak to future me or not. I take a deep breath. I climb off the couch and walk down a flight of stairs. I run my hands along the wood paneling on the walls. I stop at the door at the bottom of the stairs. I think to myself that I need to go just a few moths a head in the future. June in the beginning o June June 3rd. I focus on the date. I pull the heavy door open towards me. I feel the cool whoosh past me. I step onto the platform. The blue train size tube of energy is zooming past me. I look around in the  pictures that are floating in the blue zooming light. The pictures go slower than the light does. I focus on June 3rd 2018 A picture stops in front of me. I can feel the flicker of my mind trying to take over. I stop. I close my eyes. I let the picture go back in the blue light. I let the air continue to blow by me. I put my hand out into the  blue light  I open my eyes. I step into the picture before I can think too much about it it. I am standing at work. I look around I am parked in the same place. It is warm outside. I turn around and step back into the blue light and step onto the platform. ..hmmm what I am wanting to know from future me is if I bought a house, or mobile, or nothing and stayed in my apartment. I take another deep breath. I think to myself and ask.... I need to know which one I chose.  I step back in to the light. I am at work again. I am standing outside my car. Future me is in my car on her phone...probably scrolling through Facebook. The car is on and the window is rolled up. Future me answers without looking up from the phone "..Why do you need to know?"
 "I want to stop stressing about it now" I reply.
"We get a house."
 "Is it what we wanted?" I ask.
 "Mostly."
 "What is wrong with it?"
 "Its small, but we are making it work." Future me sighs.
 "Do we regret it?"
 "A little."
 "Should I buy a place or not?"
 "Maybe it will be better further in the future" future me says.
"Should I try more for a mobile?"
 "I dont know .."
"Is the house close to here?"
 "Close to school. Not here."
 "If I buy a mobile will I change the future?"
 "I guess that is how it works."
 "Ok thank you.."
"Yup. no problem."
 "You don't seem happy."
 "I hate this job remember...haha"
"Oh yea I forgot."
 I turn and step back into the blue light and I am back on the platform. I open the door, walk up the stairs to my couch.

New job!

I am starting a new job on the 1st of February! Super exciting...It is actually currently a volunteer position. I have been asked to write content for a blog about crime labs. Stats, productivity, state run vs private, wages, accreditation, funding.... pretty much anything about a lab that  I can think of. They want me to start from scratch with a website and blog name. I will spend the first few days setting everything up on the back end before I start writing. I have to create a schedule to show how often I will post and how much time I will be putting in, what platforms I will share the content on, and what my goals are for the 3-6-12 month marks are for the website. Wish me luck on this new adventure! Any suggestions on names of the blog or website would be appreciated. Thanks!!

Week 1 is here!  This week is planning. The website name is www.crimelabinfo.com
I will post content weekly and each weeks post will have at least 1 affiliate permalink in it. During the first 3 months I will be building content. I really am not sure what the expectation for this type of content to be in high demand is. This will focus on a pretty specific demographic. I would like to have a few websites that sell crime lab supplies linked to the site within the 3 month period.
3-6 months I would like to have a few research papers posted. Not as frequent posting, but more content.
6-12 months this should have enough content to be clicked into regularly. and regular weekly postings.

My goal is to spend about 4-5 hours a week on this. Some in research, some on learning curve, some on actual website maintenance.
I do not know what day I will post each week yet. TBT
I'm not sure why I don't want to project any income. Silly me. 0-3 months let's aim for 100-500 dollars 3-6 months 500-5000, 6-12 months let's aim for a steady stream with an average of 2500 a month.

Time Traveller

One of the biggest things that happened in 2018 was that I learned how to time travel. I know it sounds crazy, and I'm not that good at it yet....lol.

I was running at the park one evening after work, and there was someone else there running too. The person stopped me after we had passed each other a few times. I really thought the person was crazy at first. They asked if I remembered who they were....they said their name as if I would know it. I was drawing a blank...lol I was thinking...um ...crazy person 😂
The person became somewhat annoyed and asked if they could just run in the same direction as me so we wouldn't keep crossing paths. I needed to do 2 more laps so I agreed...lol
As we were running, the person brushed up against my arm and we were instantly in a different time. It was crazy. I kinda freaked out a little bit, but it was like putting on an old pair of jeans, or like riding a bike. I realized that I had already been a time Traveller, but I had forgotten about this ability.

I can travel through time😂 what an incredible gift.

2018 in Retrospect

2018 was a great year.... I finally got a dog! I love him😍 I bought my first home that me and the boys moved into. I was also able to buy not one but Two rental properties this year!  I got promoted into an ED position which I love, and it continues to challenge me in my skills😂 I finally got in shape, so there that, and I am volunteering for two disaster relief organizations. I just came back from helping clean up after a huge earthquake. It was humbling and exhausting and fulfilling. I also learned how to time travel, which I should have opened with😂😅.  I got to regular travel with the boys alot this year. We went all over the place and we visited everyone we love. I am on the city council here, and that has been an adventure 😁. I have financing lined up for investments in 2019; including......my crime lab😱😍 which I wondered if it would ever happen...and now it's in the making. I learned how to play the piano😍 that has been amazing.... I am learning how to write music...my teacher is phenomenal! I am getting ready to sell my video game!...that will be completed in 2019. I finally got my camera this year too! I love it! I am still writing my graphic novels, and the sales continue to grow each month. Sometimes it is a struggle to come up with content, and I am always amazed and shocked when I'm done that I was able to pull something out of my ass😅. I have my Salmon ladder in place! I can go up a notch, but not back down😂😂 I will continue to work on that...lol

Missing Person File

There are 25000 people missing in California right now. That is a lot of people. When I see posts of Facebook I have a few initial thoughts, Are they truly missing? Or choosing to no longer communicate with their family. When they left did they go willingly? trusting the person they were with did not have evil intentions. Or did they go under duress? Was it a stranger? or someone they knew? Was their disappearance due to an accident? A fall, or a crash? The police simply do not and cannot put resources into finding someone who has disappeared seemingly intentionally, or without any sign of foul play. There are many resources throughout the US that help try to find missing persons. Websites dedicated to listing all of the missing person info and pictures. Search and rescue volunteers that help comb neighborhoods and wooded areas. So why is everyone not found? We have so much information at our fingertips and yet grown men, women and children disappear across our country every day. Where do all of these people go? With the right resources could all of these people be found? With the right search dogs could people be found far from where they disappeared? Is it simply a matter of man power? Or search skills? Available tools? What is missing? Are they being kidnapped and sent to other countries? are their looks changed so much that people no longer recognize them? Are they brainwashed into believing their captors story? What can I do as an ordinary citizen for these people? Some people will simply never be found. They are buried deep in garbage dumps, stuffed in walls of peoples homes, or in basements. Sealed off from the public eye, unable to be reached by anyone but the police. These missing and unidentified people need a voice. Louder than it is right now. Where and how does someone start a search for someone?

Simplicity of the Soul

I think one of the greatest things about life is the simplicity of the fundamentals. Our hearts beat for us, we breathe without control over its rhythm, we cannot stop our selves from crying or laughing. We feel love without thought. I think the unfortunate part is that we as a race have created outside sources of energy and thought. We are now controlled by rents and cars and jobs. These are now the sources of our laughter and our tears. Our worries and anxiety are all built from the world we have created. At what point are we allowed to free ourselves from this invisible bondage? At what point do we start sharing collective thoughts and live in agreement with what the earth has to offer? If we ourselves were herded into this thought process, how and when do we stop herding our children and those around us into this thought process? What is the actual meaning of religion and government? Has there ever been a point in human history without conflict or fighting? What is our overall purpose here on earth? In the grand scheme of things how is this whole plan supposed to shake out? Eventually; even with all of the wars, crime and other deaths we still have more babies being born each day than deaths of all ages. What is our endgame? Live in peace and over populate the planet? Fight in wars, burn all the oil, make the air unbreathable and die off? There is so much that one human can experience in a lifetime, it is hard to imagine what it can gather over hundreds of lifetimes. What are we supposed to do with all of these experiences? Why and how are there so many more souls on this planet that just a short time ago in history? Are our souls splintering into fragments? each one becoming its own little soul, but without the capacity to function as it would if it were whole? Kind of like a company that becomes publicly traded. The company decides how many splinters to break it up into and then it sells them. People who own more than a few are much better off than someone who owns 1 stock. Or maybe we are the company. We are allowing parts of our soul to be chipped off, and we need to learn how to gather them back up. My soul feels like it is tied to a pole right now. Unable to move or run free; I am tied down by the very thing I don't want to tied down by; Society. Yet I love the camaraderie that similarly thinking people have. I will continue to search for answers for all of these questions.

Tonight. Tonight? Tonight.

Well today is the day that I am faced with planning time for these new changes. My health needs it. My writing skills need it and my income needs it. How much time do I need to create for each one of these? Where do I squeeze these things into my life? I am faced today and ultimately with my time/space conundrum. I ultimately want more time with my kids, and the freedom to do things outside the confines of work and home.

 To do this I need my health. I need to have strength to be active.  I need to have the energy to follow through with what  I want. I need to exercise and eat right. I need to want this for myself. If I want more time with my kids I need to be healthy enough to provide it for them.

 I need to practice my writing as I am today. I have spent enough time getting the list of contests together it would be a waste of previously spent time to not follow through with this. I don't really know how much time it will take me to write each one. I need that window of dedicated time to do so though. This might not make any money, but writing is a great hobby that can be honed.  I will take time each week to work on my video game that I want to create. I need to carve a notch of time to do this. When? I don't know yet.

During the next week, month, 6 months I will work diligently to create the reality that I want. Health, freedom, knowledge, love and family.

 Tomorrow is the first day. Tonight is the first night.

These tasks might sound insignificant, but they feel like mountains on most days.
To take better care of me, I will wash my face twice a day, I will brush my teeth twice a day, I will shower daily.

To take care of my children I will have dinner with them very night. I will make sure they brush their teeth twice a day. I will make sure they get enough sleep, and they will have stories read to them every night.

I am already overwhelmed by my small task list. I start tonight.

I have let my physical strength go for so long that I will start with walking and yoga stretches. Daily? Daily.

At least I have my writing out of the way for tonight.

The voice in my head.

I'm moving onto a new path. I need to, and will, I am taking responsibility for my own lack of inaction. I need to stop listening to the ugly self sabotage voice in my head. I will overcome and adapt to my anxiety. I have the power to stretch time by simply living more life within each moment.

I have decided that it is time to train myself into self confident me. I have decided to empower myself. I am no longer a selfish person because I want to feel good about myself.

I will lead by example instead of waiting for the leader.

I will no longer force myself to choose one area to learn and expand in.

The voice is loud, and I need to be louder than the voice. I will not let the voice dissuade me from my path.

The Dawn of an Era

Well today is the end of an Era and tomorrow is the dawn of new Era. No one will notice the change just yet. Tomorrow it will feel the same, yet life will be on a different path, headed in a new direction. I will stay humble and focused. I will start to train my body and mind for great things. I will not count the dollars earned only the successes. I will pursue all of my dreams. I refuse to choose between on dream and another. I will no longer trade my time for a paycheck. My time is more valuable then that. I will maintain a financial focus, and my risks will be measured with research and balanced with reward margin. I will no longer live in discontent. Every moment from here forward will be a moment closer to success. I will plant seeds for future success, not just for me but for all of those around me whom I love and want to share my success. I will continue to pursue knowledge in all aspects of life. I will take time to focus on my family and appreciate each moment, as irreplaceable and unrepeatable. My faith is no longer something I search for outside of me. I will look within to find my faith, I have faith in me to know the way. I have faith in the elements and the life forces around me. Tomorrow will appear no different, yet it will be a whole new world.