Conversations with my Spirit Guide

How these conversations unfold.

Me: um, ok what do I want to know....
Me: Is my name Rachel
Roger: Rolls his eyes and laughs...yes your name is Rachel
Me: Ok, am I twelve
Roger: Obviously...no.
Me: Why isnt the pendulum moving?
Roger: can you not hear me?
Me: I can hear you...
Roger: Then why does it need to move?
Me: But I need proof that you are there...
Roger: um....can you hear me still?
Me: Yes
Roger: *Face Palm* Ok......
Roger: Ask something else..
Me: Ok...um.....um......ummmmmmmmm
Me: Ok...what is your favorite color?
Roger: Really? Purple and Brown
Me: the pendulum didnt move
Roger: no it did not.
Me: Ok...um..will I stay at Brookdale?
Roger: Until when?
Me: idk I guess, stay until I have something else...
Roger: Is that what you want?
Me:..um...yes...
Roger: then that is what it will be *chuckling*
Roger: Ask me something else....something that you want to know, but dont have the answer for..
Me: Will I get the job at Suncrest...
Roger: *Gives me the side eye and starts doing pushups...
Me: When will I meet someone?
Roger: *Sits back down* When you are ready..
Me: When is that?
Roger: Be ready now....
Me: It doesnt feel right....
Roger: That is where we will start...
Me: Ok..........Well there is that panic attack feeling that won't go away..

Photo Credit: Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

One. Moment in Time

I paused for a moment. I realized in that moment I was not where I thought I should be. A moment ago I was sitting on my couch in my living room, scrolling aimlessly through Facebook, and with a long blink I am here.

I look down, I'm standing on a concrete slab, with green rolling hills falling away from the edges. I am wearing black boots, a long red dress with short sleeves. I take a step forward and hear a scraping sound on the concrete next to me. I turn and look down at my left hand and realize I'm holding a long sword. I am dragging the tip of it on the ground. I look around me...I don't see anyone..It is light outside, but overcast.

I take a deep breath...wtf is going on...where am I? How the f**k do I get home?

I see someone walking towards me in the distance. It appears to be a man. He is wearing all black, and dragging a sword behind him. As he gets closer I wonder if I am going to have to fight this dude. I have no idea how to sword fight...my heart starts to race as the impending doom sensation starts to roll over me. This is the beginning of the end.
I shut my eyes for a second...am I dreaming? did I fall asleep on the couch? It didn't feel like it, and this didn't feel like a dream either.

The man stops at the edge of the concrete...too far to fight, but close enough to see him and hear him.

"You wanted to see me".. He said
"I don't know what you're talking about." I reply.
"You don't recognize me?" he asked
I shook my head.... "No" I replied. "I don't."
"It's not time." He said.
"Time for what?" I asked
"Time for me to be there." He said, as he raised his sword and pointed at the sky.
I look up behind at what he is pointing at.....through the clouds I can see me sitting on the couch...still on my phone.
I look back at him...."Who are you? why are we holding swords?"
"This was our last lifetime together, do you remember? It was here on this hill that we summoned the universe and asked for the vision of our lives. What it would look like. We saw dark thunder clouds and images...remember? they were scary and dark...we held each other and cried...it was then that we decided we would live the next lives apart from each other. We did not want to darken the love we had. Do you remember?" He asked again.
"I remember the decision...I don't remember here...when do I meet you? Why did I come here?"
"I brought you here to remember."....he stepped closer to me.
"Your sister told you today, to remember the feeling...the feeling we shared ...lifetime after lifetime."

"But this is not my home" I said..."I have kids and an ex, and work...and I haven't felt this for seven or eight lifetimes...how do I feel this and all of that? Why is it not time?" I asked.
He looked down at his feet....he took another step forward..I could see the features on his face now...I could see the tears in his eyes...."I'm not ready yet" He replied softly.
"I don't think I am either" I said softly.
He stepped closer again..If I reached out I could touch him.
He stepped in again, we embraced. I could smell him, the tears stung my eyes as I held him tight.
He stepped back..."I need you to stay in the light, so I can find you"  He said.
"I don't even know what that means" I said...
"I don't either...but I keep asking the universe to bring you to me..and it keeps telling me *You will find her in the light, keep looking into the light, she will be there*."
"OK" ..I said. "I will remember" ..
"And I will find you, I promise." He said.
He looked behind him, into the distance. He looked back at me.."I have to go, I'm sorry.."
he turned and walked away, dragging his sword along the concrete until it ended.
He disappeared into the distance.
I looked up at the sky, I could still see me sitting on the couch...I could see the image on the phone..I focused on it and in a flash, I was on the couch focusing on my phone again.
I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to hold onto the feeling I had...for a second..I could feel it. The warmth of a thousand lifetimes.

Freedom

I drop my keys on the desk. This is it, this moment has been a long time coming.

The last six months I have been working tirelessly on my websites. Everything feels so synchronistic. I checked my bank account this morning before I left work. I made more money last month than the previous six months combined. When I get to work my boss calls me into her office. The paper is sitting there. I already know that she is trying to discipline me for something unnecessary. She is rattling on about something, I'm not listening. My mind is calculating the things I will lose today. My heart is calculating what I will gain today. I had imagined I would do both jobs for a few years. I would create a secure, stable income from the websites first. Now I am standing here on the precipice of change, the brink of freedom.
I think about all of the tasks I am supposed to complete today. I think about the way people are going to react about my decision. I think about the people that are going to judge me, and the people that are going to feel like I am leaving them behind. I start to feel a twinge of doubt. My mind starts to convince me to pick the keys back up again.
I look at my boss, she has stopped talking, and is staring at me, waiting for me to respond to a question I did not hear. "I don't know" I answer, unsure if that will answer sufficiently. I start to feel panicked. I cant decide which way to go. My mind is screaming at me to make it work, to take my time, to plan it out. My heart is whispering at me to take the leap.
 I think to myself "jeez universe, help me out here". My phone dings. I turn the phone over and read the text. A call off for PM, another ding before I can even look away. A full time person just quit. My mind starts to wander to the schedule. Who is going to take of these people tonight? Who is going to find coverage? The phone dings again. Another call off. "OK universe, I get the message, no more call offs" I think to myself.
I look back at my boss, she is still rattling on about some report and how she is sure she told me about it.
I take a deep breath. I look at my phone. I delete the texts, I clear the call history, and I lock the phone. I set it on the table next to my keys.
She hands me the write up, mumbling the usual "please read and sign". I take it from her, and turn the paper over. I scribble my official statement noting that I quit, as of today. I know I am forfeiting my PTO. I don't care anymore. I turn to my boss, and hand her the paper.
"Good luck, you had two staff members call off tonight and two are quitting as of right now."
She stares at the paper as I turn and walk out the door.
As I step out into the sunshine, I finally realize what freedom felt like.

Just a Picture

As I step into the stairwell, I look around. This stairwell used to feel dark and somewhat foreboding. The walls were dark, just one light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and it smelled of old wood and varnish. I no longer fear the door at the bottom of the stair case. Now the walls are white, with bright flowers painted on them. Raindrop shaped lights are hung from the ceiling all the way down the stairs. The door is still heavy, but it has wooden gate with climbing flowers painted on it, so it feels like you are entering into a secret garden. I walk down the stairs and push the door open. I step onto the platform and let the door fall closed behind me.

I pause for a moment letting my thoughts fall around me. What do I want to know? What are my expectations? What is my brain telling me I should see? I watch my thoughts turn into pictures and float to ground around me, like leaves falling in autumn. My urge is to pick them back up and put them in my pocket. I look up at the blue freight train of energy, light and images zooming past me. I step towards the edge of the platform. I look back at the pictures laying on the floor. I take deep breath, I start to feel naked and lost without holding onto everything the pictures represent. Before I convince myself to go get them I reach my hand out and touch the blue freight train. I zoom along for a few minutes. I feel myself tumbling for a little while. I start to focus on where and when I want to go to. I want so badly to know where my pinnacle of success lies, internally. Where all the parts of my world feel fulfilled. Where my heart feels content, and I feel connected to my heart and my soul. I tumble along further and suddenly fall into an office.

I look around. There are big floor to ceiling windows along one whole wall, looking down over a city. There is a blue couch facing the window. There is a desk in the corner to my left. The walls have pictures hanging on them, but no photographs. there is a round wooden table in the right corner of the room. I look around at the table and desk. There are no calenders or newspapers to look at to see when  I travelled to. I look out the window, there is another tall building almost directly across from the window. I look to left and I can see smaller buildings as far as I can see. There are cars driving on the street. They look like regular cars from here, but I am at least 25 stories up. I look around the room again. along the back wall, opposite of the windows there is a door. I open the door and step into the hallway. there are cubicles to my left, that appear to all be empty. On my right are four elevators. I walk up to it and push the down button. The doors open. The elevator is empty. I step inside and look at the button panel. I click on floor one. As the elevator hums down the many levels, I wonder where time took me? What on Earth am I meant to see here? Where am I? The elevator doors open. The lobby is spacious and vacant. I walk to the doors leading outside. I pull the glass door open and step out onto the sidewalk. I stand there just letting everything soak in. The sun shining, the trees, the cars, the people walking past me. I look across the street, there is a small park area to the left. There is a woman sitting on the bench with a man. I walk down the sidewalk towards her, as  I get closer, I realize it is me. I cant actually tell how much older I am. I don't recognize the man, but we seem close. I don't seem to be able to get closer to her. My legs feel heavy. I look up in the sky. I hear a loud wind sound, I see the blue freight train of energy appear in the sky. It swoops towards me and scoops me up, for a brief second I am floating, then I see the platform and I am standing there again. All of my pictures are still laying on the floor. I watch them all turn to ash except one. What do I want to know? I pick up the picture and look at it. It is a picture of me and the man sitting on the park bench. I smile and put the picture in my pocket. I open the heavy door and head back up the stairs.

The Power

I recently came to an epiphany. A paused moment in time, a second of clarity where I can see everything behind me and in front of me. I need to own the power that I had before. Own it, not relive it. Own it, not redo it. Own it, not accept at face value. I dont want to put this power back on, like an old coat that smells of mold and moth balls. I need to own it, like a vase that you retrieve from the pawn shop. But this time you actually use it to put flowers in; instead of using it as a puke bucket. I need to own the power that I had before. Before I felt used and cheapened. Before I gave away my power because I didn't know I was giving it away. I didn't even know it was something to have. It was an unbridled power that was seeming to harm myself and other people. I was stumbling through time, carelessly abusing what I had to offer. I didn't understand the wounds I was carving, or how I was changing my own timeline. I didnt understand how I was creating the walls I was building. I allowed myself to become broken.  I couldn't rid myself of this power. I convinced myself that this power that I had would be enough to convince someone of the beauty of my soul. And the men that loved this power would eventually love the rest of me. I was wrong. This took me a long time to learn. I tried to shed the power, I ignored it, refused to use it, pretended that it didn't exist. I tried to believe that if the power was no longer there and all that was left was my soul, that the man I had invested my time in would fall in love with me. I was wrong. I know things unfolded for reasons beyond the simplicity of power or no power.

I know now that I need my power. I need to learn to control it and harness it. I need to cultivate the power within myself. I need to have faith that  I will see through the men that simply want the power and nothing else I have to offer.

Alone

How do I say this? I just want to explain this moment of clarity I have. I remember being alone many times during my childhood. I realize now that the first times I was left alone were when my sister went to kindergarten (I was 2) and my mom was.....writing? Still working?.......Not home. I realize now that I correlated being alone with them being together. .....As I got older my sister (no longer in public school) chose to not want to be around me and my mom was.....writing?....Still working?.......Not home. We were home schooled so there's that. I continued to be alone a lot. As I entered puberty and my teenage years I might well have been an alien. My sister was coveted for her strengths and quirky traits. I was normal and left alone. I forged my own path separate and alone from my family. They didn't really notice. Then my sister had a meltdown ...wreaked havoc on my parents and left....leaving a huge mess for me to clean up. I worked diligently to fill the void my sister left behind...trying to build a bond that would not be broken if she returned one day. I grew close to my mom for the first time in my life. 15 years goes by and my sister decides to return into our lives. I feel the bond between them growing and mine shrinking. They are my biggest fans yet I feel suffocated by them. Them as a team. I feel the empty lonely ache return. I reach out to them trying to find proof that I wont be left alone again. Both of their words of wisdom are that I will indeed be alone. for many years. I have many issues, many obstacles to overcome. Many trials to face before I can feel the victorious feeling of having a loving partner. I believe them and feel the weight push me down further. I move to a new town and now my only sounding boards, my only friends, my only fans are the ones that make me feel like I cant breathe. No where to speak my me. Nowhere to post words that might accidentally be turned the wrong way. I realize now they are not the makers of happiness or loneliness. Nor are either of them allowed to judge what I need and don't need. Little do they know...I am not broken, I am not lost, I am not weak, I am not searching for happiness. I have strength, integrity, power, wisdom, honesty, faith, prosperity, happiness, and now I have reclaimed my power over loneliness. I can say that watching the relationship between them blossom has been somewhat painful. I am again lost in background noise. The part that I lost track of though is that the path they follow of traumas, inner turmoil, financial discord, hard lessons learned....is not my path. I have worked hard to have financial security and success. It is not better, just different. I wanted so badly to share my path with someone; that I latched back onto each of them in hopes of finding some strength and security, and like mindedness; that I forgot how different our paths have always been. I forgive my mom for any moments she left me alone and I hold no anger towards either of them for our paths differences. I will say this: being self sufficient, independent, and able to be alone, does not mean I need to be alone or that I deserve to be alone.

Thank You

So my sister says I should write a letter to my future partner.........lol I am doing this for her ...ahaha



Thank you for being you. Thank you for standing against racism with me. Thank you for understanding why I kneel for the anthem, and kneeling with me. Thank you for going on road trips with me and letting me sing with all the songs. Thank you for understanding what rape culture is and not participating in it. Thank you for going hiking with me, and going to the gym just so we can burn enough calories to go to a food festival. thank you for always finding humor in hard times. Thank you for loving and accepting my family even though they are not normal by society standards. Thank you for being my vault of my thoughts, fears, and dreams. Thank you for being a role model for my children. Thank you for showing them how to love a woman selflessly and respectfully. Thank you for showing me what love trully feels like. Thank you for being my best friend that I will always choose to be around above and beyond anything else. Thank you for giving me space to feel emotions and not marginalizing them. Thank you letting me love you with my whole soul. Thank you for wanting to learn how to rock climb with me..... and being willing to participate in everything that we can learn together. Thank you for staying true to you, and forcing me to stay me as we walk side by side through life. I might not ever meet you in this life time. But I love you anyway, wherever you are. I will still be true in the next life too. I would rather be alone than with someone other than you.

Love, Me