The Plan

 As I sit here pondering the next 6 months and what I intend on creating, I feel my thoughts and emotions tumbling down the stream bed bouncing off rocks and swirling around, blending into the next fold of water without care. 

What do I want? What do I want to change? Accomplish? Create? Learn? 

What is wrong with what is currently being accomplished, created, learned, received and altered?

Am I being selfish? Crazy, illogical? Unrealistic? Arrogant? 

I carefully pluck each of these words off of me and set them down on the table. 

I take a deep breath in, close my eyes and open them again. I look at the words sitting on the table as each of them bursts into a water puddle and water runs off the edge of the table. 

Roger appears; standing in front of my sliding glass door. He sits down at the table and starts patting his hand on the water puddled on the table splashing everything. 

"Raquel, what is this? you know you can call me like normal people and not pour water everywhere." He laughs at his own joke and then quiets again. 

"You have been doing well Raquel. Every action today echos into the future. Bold changes require bold action, but the proof is in the echos. Let us meet with the OGs and GOATs. They await our arrival." He places his hand over mine and in a blink we are in the conference area we had met before. They are all seated at the table already. The Skeleton Woman speaks first. 

"Do you have your written plan to present?" I turn to Roger and give him a look that says: What plan? written? what did you not tell me? I don't have a plan!

"Raquel has lived in the confines of humanhood for too long to truly articulate her plan. She weighs and measures against pesky things like gravity and the Gregorian calendar." Roger says.  They all chuckle in unison while I give Roger the Side eye. 

"Speak anyway" says Skeleton Woman. 

"Ok, I start. I want to own a Crime lab, and a bookstore, and have search dogs and horses, and a contract with DOJ? FBI? Interpol? to assist with cases. I want to have a presence on the internet via websites, youtube or whatever."..I start to trail off. 

"And?" says Skeleton Woman.

"Um I guess that's it" I reply.

 "You know I can see your thoughts, right?" She says.

"Oh well, now I do ...yes." I stammer.  

"Remember to be whole, your dream must have all 4 pillars AND a foundation. Please continue." Says Skeleton Woman. 

"Ok.....I want financial freedom to pay....Nevermind...just finanacial freedom" I correct myself. "There are those pesky earth limits." I joke uncomfortably.  "I want to travel and provide a stable and secure life for my kids."

I stop talking and pause.

"Go on" says Skeleton woman. 

"Ummmm, I guess I would like to have a partner, a compadre, someone to share this journey with." 

I stop talking again and look at Skeleton Woman.

"Keep going" she says.

"Uhhh ok, I want to trave..  "NO" she interrupts..."Keep going. Remember 4 pillars AND a foundation."

"Um ok," I say.

 I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I have no idea what she wants me to say. I look to Roger for help and he is playing Sudoku. Ugh ok.

Pillars and foundation. 

"I need a clear path, healthy body, happy family and action?" I ask. 

I admonish myself: I didn't mean to form this into a question. I take a deep breath because honestly I cant tell if I am holding my breath or not. 

"Um maybe you can help me with my own thoughts," I say, with a nervous chuckle. I feel my face turn hot as I realize I said this out loud to a table full of literal God and Goddesses.

Skeleton Woman stands up. 

I take a step back from the table. I feel Rogers hand on my back as he pushes me back to the edge of the table. 

Skeleton Woman starts to speak and then pauses. "You need to speak" she says.

"Your foundation is knowledge, love, health and action. Your pillars are family, finances, freedom, and friendship." 

"I am so sorry, I don't know how that helps me" I reply. I look at Roger for support in my confusion.

 "I literally want to create a variety of somethings out of nothing, without the you know...knowledge part of the foundation. I don't know how to learn all of that in one lifetime." I continue. 

This elicits another round of chuckles and outright laughter from the table. 

"You must Speak" says Ganesh. "the Action of speaking out loud TO people will allow us *he motions to the table* to follow the energy lines needed to help you. This is what you called us for correct?"

"Um, yes" I reply quietly. 

The old man stands. "We *he motions to the table* only see the energy. We are not bogged down by peskiness as you put it. You have called us to you, to assist with, for us, a very simple endeavor. YOU my friend carry the heavy shall we say Gravitous burden of creating the energy. "

The old man sits back down. 

"Ok," I reply. "I honestly am unsure where to start, or what the best path is."

Skeleton Woman rises again. "You must speak aloud to people until you are no longer uncomfortable."

I feel Rogers hand on my arm and before I could even blink I was back at my kitchen table. and another blink sitting in my room typing this.

The Old Lady Part 2

It was a crisp cool day in November. The sun was shining, but the air was cold and biting. The leaves that remained on the branches, still clinging to Autumn, were almost all turned yellow and red, but they were still there on the tree limbs. I was walking down the sidewalk on  a quiet street lined with trees and townhomes, headed into town for lunch.
I saw an elderly woman walking slowly up ahead of me a ways. I drifted off into thought for a few minutes.
I came back to reality as I got closer to the old woman. I did not want to startle her so I slowed my pace a little bit. She was carrying a blue reusable grocery bag, and a little brown purse in the crook of her right elbow. She wore a nice navy blue peacoat and white pants. I continued my slow pace behind her. As we approached the next grouping of townhomes, I looked up at them. They were brown with small windows upstairs and down. There was a little porch for each one, and a small concrete walkway that cut straight to the sidewalk. As we approached the first walkway the old lady turned and shuffled onto the concrete walkway. She glanced up towards me and made eye contact with me. I guess she could hear me behind her.
All of the sudden she let out a loud cry!
AHHH!.
OWW!
She gripped her elbow, and held it tight against her. She looked up at me as I trotted up to her. "What happened?" I asked....trying to assess the situation.
"Oh my elbow, it slipped out of socket!" She said. She moved her hand away from her elbow. Even through the thick blue peacoat, I could see the arm extend a little too far down at the bend of her elbow.
"Let me help you with your bags." I said.
She let me gently pull her bags off her arm. She shuffled up the step to her door, and with her left hand she fished around in her pocket and found her house keys. She got the door open and we stepped inside.
It was a small place. The entrance to the stairs was right in front of me. To my left was two closed doors and to my right was the living room. The old lady shuffled into the living room past the couch to the chair that was already pulled out at the table. There was an old man on the couch. He was dressed in a suit and his head was resting on a pillow on the arm of the couch. He had a black hat on and it was pulled down over his eyes.
"You just put those bags on the floor there."
She pointed to kitchen floor just around the corner of the room. I walked the bags over, trying to be quiet for her napping husband.
I turned toward her and said "do you want me to call an ambulance for you?"
She shook her her head, no. "If you could just help me get my coat off, that will do just fine."
I walked up to her with my back to the old man asleep on the couch. I was helping her stand up from her chair, when I felt something behind me. I turned around and the old man was standing behind me; towering over me by a solid foot. I gasped and started to apologize for waking him, when I realized he was not old. I stared at him for a few seconds as my thoughts started to process what was happening, and the fear started to rise in my throat.
My mind started to race through a million thoughts trying to reason with myself and calm the panic I was starting to feel. I continued to stare at him, unsure of what to say. My mouth was dry, I could feel my fingertips tingling with fear.
"I...I.........I am s..sorry I woke you up" I stammered. My voice cracking a little as I tried to get the words out.
He said nothing. He didn't move. He was standing so close to me I could feel the exhales of his breath through his nose. His eyes were still, and cold, his face was emotionless.
I tried to step back and felt my leg hit the chair behind me. I finally remembered the old lady and slowly turned to look at her.
She was still old. She stood there with a slight smirk in her face, at least I think it was a smirk. She was still holding her elbow as if it hurt, but she didn't say anything.
"Is this your son?" I asked. My voice shaking a little. "What is going on?" "I should get going." The words were tumbling out of my mouth as a sinking realization started to wash over me.
I look at the man, then back to the old lady. I see the flash of the knife in the man's hand. I felt the knife sink into my gut.

I step aside and look at me standing there. This is how that life ended. I had wondered if the answers were in the moments leading up to my death, or if I would have to work backwards from here. I took another step away from the man. I am happy he can't see me this time. I watch my body slump to the floor. I write down a few notes in my notebook.
I step out of the townhouse. I take a deep breath. I hated the cold air for lifetimes after this. I hated to shiver, as if that was what led me inside the townhouse. I start to walk back up the  street. The portal to the next life I am studying is ready.

THE REST OF THE STORY

 I stood there for  awhile staring down at my body lying on the floor. I tried hard to move my fingers and toes. I felt like I was breathing yet it was effortless. But I could not get myself back to being on the floor. I watched the man wrap my body up in a tarp and carry me out of the room. I watched him carry me down the stairs to his basement. I started to feel more panic as I start to realize I might not connect to my body again. This might be it. I I start to float higher like a hot air balloon. I start yelling and kicking and screaming and grabbing at the air. Nothing happens. No sounds, no sensations besides my fear anger, and sadness. I scream and cry until I just can't anymore. I must fall asleep as I am floating, because when I wake up I am in a room with a movie theater size TV. 

The first person I see, I walk up to and ask, "can you hear me?" 

He turns to me and says "yes of course. Welcome to the other side of the veil. How are you feeling?"

"Like shit" I reply. "How do I get back to ....earth?" as I motion toward the screen. 

"Oh that takes a little time. There is the planning room down the hall."

"I don't want to plan, I want to go back to the one I was just at." I reply. 

"Oh, he says quietly . you can't, you died. Your body died." 

"But what if I am never found? I have to stay connected somehow. I need to be sure my parents know what happened to me. Its not fair, I need to tell them."

"The communication area in down the hall, but good luck its REALLY loud on earth. Nobody hears anything down there." The person says.

I take a deep breath and walk down the hall. I see a sign that says communication center, I push the double doors open. And the room seems infinite. I can't see the end of the room nor the sides. The room is full of people, screens and keyboards clacking. There is someone standing by the doorway. I walk up to them, and say "I need to get a message to my parents. apparently I died on earth and I need to make sure my body is found so my parents will be ok. Can you help me?"

"Of course" the person replies. He walks us down a path between the computer stations until we reach an empty one. "Ok how to I use this?" I ask. 

"Well you find the person you want to send a message to and then you use different things around them to send them a message. If you need to search for person you don't know, you can ask here in this section. Good luck, people there can't hear much." "Yeah, I heard that already." I say. 

I sit down and type in Mom. I zoom in and can see my mom and dad sitting on their couch. They don't know I am gone yet. ugh. Ok, how to I tell my parents I am dead? 

I start typing into the communication box: mom, can you hear me? I hit the enter button and wait. I don't really know what I am waiting for. My mom picks up her phone and looks at it. "She hasn't called yet tonight, I'm surprised." she says to my dad. He shrugs and says "well she is probably working or hanging out with friends. You can't expect her to call every day."

"I know" she says with a sigh and puts down her phone. I type in the box: call me and hit enter. I wait for my mom to respond. nothing. Mom, call me. I type and hit enter. I wait again. My mom picks up her phone. "I'm just gonna text her." She types a message to me. Somehow I am able to zoom in and read it. Hi its mom, just checking in. love you. She hits send. I see the image zoom to my phone. Its sitting on the table in the house I just died in. I feel cold and sick to my stomach. I see the man pick up the phone. He must have unlocked it with my fingerprint. I see him start to respond to the message. 

"NOOOOO!!! STOP!!!! "I scream at the screen.

 Love you too mom, im super tired tonight, just chilling in bed. He hits send on the message. My moms phone dings. She picks it up and reads it. She smiles and says "oh honey you were right, she is at home." I start typing furiously into the communication box. Mom that wasn't me that was someone else. I never go to bed right now. I didn't put a heart emoji at the end of my sentence you have to know that's not me MOMMM!! you have to listen to me! I hit enter on the keyboard and wait. and wait, and wait. Nothing. My mom and dad get up and go to bed after the movie they are watching. Ok think think think. Who else can I tell. Ooh my friend jessica. I type in her name and she appears on the screen. Jessica can you hear me? I type and hit enter. She is at dinner with friends from work. nothing. I hear static. Ok this isnt working. I get up and go back to the person at the entrance.

 "I can't get anyone to hear me. What do I do now?" I ask. 

"Well you can wait until morning and try again." 

"OK do I need to go sleep or eat or something?" I ask. 

"No" the person laughs. "you just scroll the timeline. you can move it back and forth. Its not linear here."

 I went and sat back down at the screen. I had the next few days off from work so there would not be any red flag there. My main hope was my mom. I typed into the box: mom can you hear me? I died, I need you to find me. I hit enter. The words swirled around on the screen and turned into what seemed like random images. This must be my mom's dream. It's me driving in a car telling her I'm dead. in the dream she is crying. Fingers crossed she understands the message. I roll fast forward on the timeline to morning. She gets up and looks at her phone. she looks again at the message from my phone. Good morning, can you call me? she texts and hits send. She turns to my dad and tells him she had a bad dream and doesn't feel good. He gets up and says he will grab her some coffee. The man who killed me turned off my phone. The message to me stayed on delivered. Mom went to work. I typed messages to her all day. Just static responses. As she left work she opened her cell and called me. The phone went straight to voicemail. The static stopped. I started typing again. Mom please check on me. Go to my house. She called my dad and said she was going to run some errands before heading home. Instead, she drove to my house. I can't tell if she heard me or not. I see her calling the police. Everything seems to move a little faster. they search the house. the officer takes notes. I fast forward through a few days. The Detective seems to be on the right path to finding me. He keeps driving past the house I died in. I just need to figure out how to tell him. I seemed to get my mom to understand. She keeps telling the detective I didn't run away, didn't do drugs, and that I must be held captive in a house somewhere. 

I zoom in on the detective. He is studying the case file. I start typing Hi can you hear me? It's me, the person you are currently looking for. I'm in a house. I hit enter and wait to see if he can hear me. There is no static, so I am hoping he can. The person that helped me with the computer walks up behind me.

 "You know you can click on items in and around the person you are trying to communicate with and use those if they have energy flowing through them."

"Oh like the TV?" I ask. "Yes." he says. 

I click on the TV. I type in the box: I'm in a house. Can you hear me? The next commercial is a hearing aid commercial with a man in front of a house that has the same colors as the one I died in. I start to get excited as he stares at the TV. Maybe he gets it! I think. He grabs his phone and opens his texts. He starts typing Hey! we should get a house soon, I just saw a commercial that reminded me that  I wanted to tell you that. He hits send and puts his phone down. I heave a deep sigh and turn to the person helping me. 

"Is all communication this hard?"

The person nods. "Yes, it can be challenging until you find someone who truly hears. Keep trying, maybe some of the message will get through."

 I spend the next week, then month, then three months typing messages to the detective. I tried to give him the address, I showed him the color of the house, I sent basement images. He noticed everything yet didn't put anything together. I even got clear tarps to fall in front of him at Home Depot. The address was on every license plate, the cost of gas. My mom seemed to have heard me and kept insisting I was inside someone's home. He even pulled over IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE I DIED IN to respond to my mom's text. I watch in anguish as the direction of my parent's lives shift completely. 

I sit back in my chair and think. It's been months since I left. No one is understanding the messages. It's like charades and pictionary together with a wall in between the players. Who else can I try? I think back to my time on earth. I snap my fingers. John Edwards! I type his name in. Meeting room 4 is the message that pops up on my screen. The person from the door way comes over to me. "Follow me" the person says. I get up and we walk through a door that didn't seem to be there a few minutes ago. There are hundreds of people in the room. There are seats but people are milling around.

 "What is this?" I ask. 

"Everyone hopes to get a message through. People like John Edwards tune in and everyone starts typing at once. If the person they are connected to on earth is near to him their message gets bolded. He can hear it better." The person explains. "Ugh, ok so if the detective or my mom isn't seeking him out he probably won't hear me." I say dejectedly. "Unfortunately yes," the person responds. "Are all of them like this?" I ask. "The big psychics. Yes." The person replies. 

"Have you tried spirit guides yet? sometimes they are more successful."

"No" I reply. "What's a spirit guide and where are they?" 

"Follow me" the person says. We walk through the room and exit into another large open area. It looks like a bunch of starbucks lounge areas, with groups of people at each one. Some of them only have 2-3 people some have 6-7 people. There is what looks like a hostess stand in front of us. The person motions to come over to it. "Here is where you can look up the group. Let's type in Mom and hit enter." The person explains. The group in front of us seems to morph into a different group. "This is your mom's spirit guides."

 I walk up to them. "Can you get a clear message to my mom?" I ask. "We can try. What is the message?" One of them asks. "I can be found at 628 Jefferson street in the basement." I reply. 

"Oooooooh That's tough." one of the group says. "Super clear details are very hard to get through. We can get the 6 and Jefferson but the rest gets lost. We will try though."

"Ok, thank you." I reply. I walk back to the hostess stand and type in the detectives name. I watch as the groups blend and change until the group in front of me is clear. I walk up the new group and ask, if they are the spirit guides for the detective. "Yes ma'am" they reply in unison. "Can you get him a message?" I ask. They all break out in hearty laughter, "Have you met this man?" one of them asks. 

"No, I have only seen him through the veil." I reply. 

"We have been trying to give him guidance on your case. so far, no luck."

"Do all of his cases ask for help?" I ask. 

"No, some are happy to cut ties and move on. Some give up, some have other things that weigh heavier on them to communicate with the otherside. We have a few. We keep their case files here and when we feel like there might be a chance he will hear us, we open the file and pull them to us." 

"Can I leave a case file with you?" I ask. "Yes ma'am. Just touch the corner of the table here and it will be here." I reach over and touch the corner and sure enough a grey case file appears on the table. 

I turn to the Helper. "What about a broad search of people that might be able to hear me that know either my mom or the detective? Can I find them and send a message?" The person points back to the desk I was at. "Just zoom out. It will show you if anyone near them can hear you."

 I go and sit back down. It feels like it has been a whole year of trying to get people to hear me but it has only been a few days as far as I can tell. On earth it has now been 6 months. I continue to send messages and practice different ways to get my message across. I try everyone I can think of, and everyone that they know. It all ends up garbled, ignored or mistranslated. I wish I could just step through the veil and write a note. Would they even believe what they saw? 

I need a break. I get up and before I can step away from my desk the Helper is next to me. Come with me the person says. We walk through the big conference room to the other side where the spirit guides gather. We step in and stand in front of the hostess station. "What are we doing here?" I ask. "I am tired and ready to give up. It might be time. I left my case file with the detective and I have done everything I can to get through to my mom."

 The person turns to me. "You can always leave an impression here and move on. But it is not as strong of a signal when there is communication."

 "OK" I sigh. 

"There are people who work on cases outside of the detective and there are people that can hear their spirit guides better than others. This group here is the spirit guides for someone named Rachel. This is Roger. he communicates most frequently with her."

 I walk up to him. "Roger, you are able to talk with someone on earth?" I ask a little incredulously. "How? they don't understand anything."

 Roger laughs "that is true." He says with a strong italian accent. "I don't know how Raquelle understands me but she does. She ignores me on purpose, often, but can still hear me when she chooses."

" Can you tell her to find me?" I ask. 

"I can." Roger replies. "She will not be able to find you immediately. She is working on opening up the channels needed to be able to execute missing person searches properly."

 "What does she need?" I ask. "How long until she is ready? Why can't you just tell her my name?" I ask. "What is your name?" Roger asks. 

"I'm......um, my name is....." I turn to the helper. "Why can't I remember my own name?" I gasp. "I am...me. I am .....fuck how do I not remember?"

 I turn to Roger and ask "How will you know when she sees my case?"

" Oh I have a map" says Roger. "It will send a signal. I will call you as soon as she looks at it."

 "Has she found anyone yet?" I ask.

 "Wellll, so the problem is I have been prodding Raquelle to start looking for people her whole life, but things came up and we are back on track. She has reviewed and studied many cases. There is an entire room full of people that are awaiting her skills to be utilized."

 "What is she doing now? Can I talk to her?" I ask. "Do I need to go to my computer to speak with her?"

 "No" Roger replies. "She can hear you now. She is driving. and listening."

 "Tell her I am waiting for her to find me, so I can be set free."

 "She heard you" Roger replied. 

I sit down and take a deep breath. I guess now I wait. 

The Struggle to See Beyond The Veil

I poured myself a cup of hot coffee, and sat down at the table in the kitchen. The sun was shining and I could feel the warm sun shining in to the kitchen. Roger steps into the kitchen carrying an old book. It is big with a leather cover and raised images on the front. He sits down in the chair next me.
"Rachel" he says, with an Italian accent. He sounds like Massimo from The Wedding planner.
"I need to show you these images in the book."
 I sigh heavily. "I have tried. I don't see anything the pages are blank."
"Rachel, just look, I put them in a book, so maybe to help see them."
I open the cover of the book to the first page. there are some words centered in the middle of the page. They are blurry. I pause and try to get my eyes to focus on them. for a moment I can read it. Dedicated to, and in loving memory my Grandmother Bertha.
I turn to the next page. The index.
I turn a few more pages until I get to a page that only says: Chapter 1
I turn the page over. Bob Seger's Turn the Page starts to play from inside the book somehow. I stare at the pages, they look blank to me. ummm.... I see a glimpse of red on the right page and then its gone.  On the left page I see blue...like the ocean and a boat, a sailboat, in the ocean. The image fades in and out.  on the other page it looks like a drawing or painting. The red dress....it's on a woman. She is sitting on a bench.. in a park, or on a trail. she is looking away, I cant see her face in the picture. I turn to look at Roger...."Ok I can see these two pictures."
"Yes Rachel" as he smooths the page over with his hand .."that is good, look more, can you find the words in the picture? I will get myself a cup of coffee while you look."
 I turn and look at the page with the boat. I can barely see the image. I have to keep repeating Boat, boat, boat, in my head to keep the image on the page, or it fades to white. I smooth the page over with my hand. Maybe its the light glare on the shiny page. For a moment I can see writing under the boat in the water. I run my hand over the page again..but its gone.
In a blink I am back in real life. Sitting in the chair in my living room. I get a real cup of coffee, peruse Facebook for a minute, watch my dad play his fishing game...
I can hear Roger yelling at me from the kitchen.
Ok, back to the book.
I sit back down in the chair, in the kitchen next to Roger.
"I've been calling for you." Roger laughs...."I am only kidding ..where you go, I go."
"Can you see the words?" Roger asks.
I stare at the boat picture. It is staying on the page for longer. I can see the details of the water. The fuzzy line where sky meets the sea. I lean in to look closer at the picture.
Roger laughs again. "You do not need to bring closer to you. Maybe imagine it like a zoom on your phone." He pinched his fingers on the page and expanded them ...the picture got bigger.
"Hmm OK let me try."
I look at the boat in the ocean, and reach out and expand the image like I would on my phone. It gets bigger, but blurry, then nothing, its gone. I pinch the image..the boat is back. I try again, slower. There are numbers on the side of the boat. I see for a brief moment what looks like GPS coordinates in the water. hmm...some words mixed in too. M.. comp...s...45
 On the boat there is the letter C and then numbers.
Back to trying to see the words in the water... 0645N.
Roger places his hand over the image. "Look at the next page, we will come back to this later."
"OK." I reply.
 I look at the other image on the right. The girl is white, thin, with reddish brown hair. She is wearing a red summer dress.
"See if you can read the sign." Roger said.
"I don't even see a sign in the picture." I said.
"You must walk in the image past her to see."
I look over at him, trying hard not to roll my eyes.
"I'm already imagining that I am here in the kitchen with you, now you want me to imagine in an imagination?"
"Yes."
I stare at the picture. next hing I know..I'm standing on the dirt trail.
"Hi" i say to the girl.
She doesn't turn towards me or respond.
"She cannot hear you yet. These are just pictures for now." Roger said.
I start to walk past her. She seems frozen in that spot. I can see the sign now. It's around the bend just enough to not see it from where I was. It's a wooden sign like what you see on hiking trails.
The words are printed white on the board with a brown background. I can't focus on them.
Roger whispers "White River." "That's cheating" I tell him, "I'm supposed to reading it and I can't."
"Yes but you can hear me so well, and I can read it." Said Roger. "It is OK. we will try again in a bit."
 I looked back at the girl sitting on the bench frozen in time. and with a deep breath I was back to here. sitting typing the words out onto my computer.

**I have since learned that the letters on a boat are registration. The letters correspond with the state.
** There is a town called White River, and a campground called White River, both here in California.

Photo Credit: Photo by Colton Sturgeon on Unsplash

Together

As I got up from the kitchen table, Roger stood up as well. I felt nervous showing him the time travel train station in my basement. This is the kind of thing that freaks people out. I took a a deep breath and walked over to the door. Today the stairs were brightly lit. For the first time I spoke words while I walked down the stairs. "I painted the scenes on the walls to make it brighter in here" I said to Roger, who was behind me. "I love them" he said quietly, as he gazed up along the walls and the ceiling.

At the bottom of the stairs I heaved the big heavy door open, and stepped aside as I let Roger walk past me into the room. I let the door swing shut, as I stood there in silence.
 "There is no train right now." He said.
"Where do you want to go? Do we pick? Or does the train pick for us?"
 "It depends on if you have a purpose, or just want an adventure" I replied.
"Which shall we do today?" He asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know." I responded.
"A moment in the past has already been lived, and a moment in the future is one of many possibilities. Let us travel to another world." He said. "Let us meet your ancestors."
"Ok" I replied. We stepped up to the platform; we could feel the wind starting to blow gently. Then we could hear the rumble of time and space moving.The tunnel started to light up in blue. With a blast of air the tunnel was filled with bright blue light zooming past us.
Roger grabs my hand, "Come with me I will show you where to go."
We step into the blue zooming light train and immediately step off onto the other side. I look around but everything appears blurred. "Can you see ok?" Roger asked, seeming to know that I could not see.
"It is blurry, everything is really blurry." I said.
 "Keep my hand I will lead you." We start to walk and I can feel the ground crunching under my feet. I can see blurry objects moving around me, and I can feel a breeze on my neck. We stop walking. A blurry image stops in front of us.
"This is your Great Grandma Drake" Roger says to me. "I cant see her." I reply.
"Close your eyes." Roger said. "Take a deep breath. Can you hear her?" I shut my eyes and breath in.
"Hello Rachel." Says a crackly old voice. "Yes I heard that." Roger laughs........"you can respond to her. She can hear you and see you."
"Hi Grandma Drake. How are you?" I ask.
"I'm dead." She responds, and her and Roger start laughing. I join in the laughter as well.
"Well, its nice to meet you, I'm sorry I can't actually see you", I say after the chuckles have subsided. "Don't be scared of me, I'm here to help." I can hear the crackly voice say as her voice  starts getting quieter.
"Roger I can't even hear her very good" I say to him. he pulls me closer to him, I can feel him lean in next me. "Can you hear me ok? he asked. "Yes, now keep your eyes closed and you can hear her too." "I'm here to help" I can hear her clearly say. "Help with what " I ask.
 "Help with......" her words seem to drown out again."
"Thank you Grandma" Roger says. "OK for now" she replied. I open my eyes, everything is still blurry, though I can tell she is not in front on me anymore. I turn towards Roger. "Who else am I going to meet here today?"
"We will come back in a week," Roger says. "Come with me." We walk a little ways, then we step though what looks like a veil.
"Do you recognize this?" Roger Asks.  Everything is clear. We are standing at the edge of field with thousands of TVs on stands all playing something different. "Yes, this was from my dream, after the long amount of time walking through the dark woods. My soul showed me that this, would be after that. She said something about how these are all choices and outcomes." I look over at him, thankful I can see him clearly in this light.
"This is what we navigate this week. Together."

Photo credit:Photo by Antonio Grosz on Unsplash

One. Moment in Time

I paused for a moment. I realized in that moment I was not where I thought I should be. A moment ago I was sitting on my couch in my living room, scrolling aimlessly through Facebook, and with a long blink I am here.

I look down, I'm standing on a concrete slab, with green rolling hills falling away from the edges. I am wearing black boots, a long red dress with short sleeves. I take a step forward and hear a scraping sound on the concrete next to me. I turn and look down at my left hand and realize I'm holding a long sword. I am dragging the tip of it on the ground. I look around me...I don't see anyone..It is light outside, but overcast.

I take a deep breath...wtf is going on...where am I? How the f**k do I get home?

I see someone walking towards me in the distance. It appears to be a man. He is wearing all black, and dragging a sword behind him. As he gets closer I wonder if I am going to have to fight this dude. I have no idea how to sword fight...my heart starts to race as the impending doom sensation starts to roll over me. This is the beginning of the end.
I shut my eyes for a second...am I dreaming? did I fall asleep on the couch? It didn't feel like it, and this didn't feel like a dream either.

The man stops at the edge of the concrete...too far to fight, but close enough to see him and hear him.

"You wanted to see me".. He said
"I don't know what you're talking about." I reply.
"You don't recognize me?" he asked
I shook my head.... "No" I replied. "I don't."
"It's not time." He said.
"Time for what?" I asked
"Time for me to be there." He said, as he raised his sword and pointed at the sky.
I look up behind at what he is pointing at.....through the clouds I can see me sitting on the couch...still on my phone.
I look back at him...."Who are you? why are we holding swords?"
"This was our last lifetime together, do you remember? It was here on this hill that we summoned the universe and asked for the vision of our lives. What it would look like. We saw dark thunder clouds and images...remember? they were scary and dark...we held each other and cried...it was then that we decided we would live the next lives apart from each other. We did not want to darken the love we had. Do you remember?" He asked again.
"I remember the decision...I don't remember here...when do I meet you? Why did I come here?"
"I brought you here to remember."....he stepped closer to me.
"Your sister told you today, to remember the feeling...the feeling we shared ...lifetime after lifetime."

"But this is not my home" I said..."I have kids and an ex, and work...and I haven't felt this for seven or eight lifetimes...how do I feel this and all of that? Why is it not time?" I asked.
He looked down at his feet....he took another step forward..I could see the features on his face now...I could see the tears in his eyes...."I'm not ready yet" He replied softly.
"I don't think I am either" I said softly.
He stepped closer again..If I reached out I could touch him.
He stepped in again, we embraced. I could smell him, the tears stung my eyes as I held him tight.
He stepped back..."I need you to stay in the light, so I can find you"  He said.
"I don't even know what that means" I said...
"I don't either...but I keep asking the universe to bring you to me..and it keeps telling me *You will find her in the light, keep looking into the light, she will be there*."
"OK" ..I said. "I will remember" ..
"And I will find you, I promise." He said.
He looked behind him, into the distance. He looked back at me.."I have to go, I'm sorry.."
he turned and walked away, dragging his sword along the concrete until it ended.
He disappeared into the distance.
I looked up at the sky, I could still see me sitting on the couch...I could see the image on the phone..I focused on it and in a flash, I was on the couch focusing on my phone again.
I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to hold onto the feeling I had...for a second..I could feel it. The warmth of a thousand lifetimes.

The Mood

I get up from my chair in the kitchen and walk to the door leading down to the travel platform. I open the door and and take a deep breath in. I can smell the sweet smell of flowers and cut grass. I walk down the stairs to the heavy wooden door at the bottom of the stairs. I pull it open with a heave and step onto the cool platform. I haven't been here for  awhile. I look around and wonder why. I realize in that moment I haven't spoken to my soul in a long time. I close my eyes and try to clear my mind of my thoughts and fears. I want answers to questions I haven't thought of, I want to know, until the moment arrives and then I don't. I wistfully dream of a million different variations of my future, and don't know where to grasp onto.I want to know that life has more than what I am currently taking and creating. What do I want? and what does that look like? So many ways to reach the same....destination? Feeling? Apex? A collection of experiences? What am I dreaming? What am I reaching for? What is missing? Do I really want to travel with the kids everywhere? I want them to feel secure...and see the world...I want to not be tied to a corporation...Business? I want to work from home? Alone? everyday? So I can go crazy in my own head?

I could feel the wind blowing and leaves were floating trough the air around me... all of them have different images of the thoughts in my head. I look up and see more leaves falling and swirling around me. I stand there and let the thoughts fall around me. The leaves start to gather on the ground, with gusts of wind picking them back up again....I reach out my hand to see if I can catch any leaves...as if I want to control at least one of my thoughts. The leaves evade my grasp as they sway through the wind.

I start to think about everything I have now...the blessings, the feelings, the smiles, the laughter, the cuddles, the friendships, the family, the loneliness, the tiredness, the pressure, the regret, the fear, the searching, the wishing, the planning, the freedom, the constraint, the silence......

The leaves continue to fall with all of these recognizable images in them as they mix and mingle with the other leaves. I can feel the emotions of each thought as they fall to the ground. I lean over and pick up some of the leaves off the ground...some of them still have images, some have words carved in them. Expectations, fear, guilt. I pick up a few of the expectation leaves. I can't even see the images that were on them when they fell from my mind. I crumble the leaves as they turn to dust and fall to the ground. I bend over and pick up a few more leaves with words on them. Fear, guilt, regret. I cradle them in my hands before I crumble them into dust in my palms.

The leaves with happy current moments, and images of people, stayed close to my feet where they fell. I looked further around me...there were piles of leaves everywhere. I picked up a hand full of leaves and looked at the images that were on them. People I didn't recognize, places  I  haven't been. The futures emotions are not very different from the ones I feel now. The same words are carved in the future leaves, as they are in the current leaves.  I pick up another handful of leaves as the other pile drops from my hands and drifts to the floor. I look closely at the ones in my hands. I find one that has an image of me on it. I stare at the leaf for a few moments and let the leaf slip out of my hand and fall gracefully to the floor. I turn and walk away from everything and head back through the heavy door and up the stairs.

At The Movies

My friend set me up with a blind date. I'm not sure why I agreed, but I did. As I stood outside of the movie theatre my mind was racing with excuses on how to get out of the date, excuses how to leave early, and a thousand critiques of my flaws thus giving him a reason to leave early. I heaved a deep sigh as I checked my phone again.

I was standing outside the theatre waiting for him to arrive. I knew he would be wearing a blue shirt, but other than that, my friend didn't want to tell me anything else. It felt like everyone was wearing blue that day.

A movie attendant came out of the building and walked up to me. "Are you Rachel?" She asked.
"Yes" I replied. Instantly thinking he had called the theatre and cancelled.
"Your date is already in the theatre." She smiled, "Follow me" she said, as she turned around and headed back into the theatre.

I followed her in the main doors, and to my surprise we continued down the hall to a theatre. She pulled the door open and we walked up the ramp into the room. There was already something playing on the screen, but I couldn't tell if it was a movie or an advertisement. The theatre was empty with the exception of a man in a blue shirt in the middle of the sea of seats. I turned to say thank you to the attendant, but she was already gone.

Well, I thought, this it, I'm either in, or, I'm out. I walked up the stairs to the row he was sitting in and walked down to the seat next to him and sat down. The movie that was playing was dark and I couldn't see his face very well.

"Hi" he said. "You can call me what ever name you like, I am from the future and I cant tell you my real name."
I looked over at him as the lights changed again so I couldn't see his features.
"Why are you coming to see me here?" I asked. "Do I know you in the future?"
He laughed, "Of course you do. I wouldn't be here with you if we didn't know each other in the future."

"Why are you here?" I asked again.
"I came back because I didn't want you to doubt. In the future you talk a lot about this time in your life. That you doubt in your self of creating the life you want. You talk about how you don't think you will meet me. I just want to ease the doubt."
I sat quiet for a minute. "Yes I do have doubts, I cant see it, so it feels impossible. The life I want, the love I want." I looked down at my hands. " I feel lost most days, and some days, stuck. Most days i am not lonely, but when I do feel it, it lays on me like a heavy blanket."

"We build the life together. That is why it is so hard for you to imagine what we create. You cant read a mind you haven't met yet." He said quietly.

"When do I meet you?" I asked.
He laughed again, "you know I cant tell you that, it will screw up the timeline. You are the one who taught me that!"
"Why did we meet here at the theatre?"
"We met here because I wanted to show you some movies. These are parts of our lives that we have created. Just me coming here will alter some things in our timeline, but nothing drastic. These videos are parts that don't change. Are you ready to watch them?" He sat silently staring at me waiting for me to answer.
I sat in bewilderment for a few moments. I looked up at the screen, and noticed it was paused. I look over at him, "Ok, I am ready" I replied with a smile. I sat back in my seat, and faced the movie screen, as he hit play on the movie of our future life.

As the movie ended, I felt a pang of sadness in my chest, and it rose into my throat. "Its perfect." I said quietly, as a tear rolled down my cheek. He gently wiped the tear away.
 "Yes, and it is ours" he replied softly. "I don't learn how to time travel until after I meet you, you will have to find me. I am sorry for that." His voiced cracked. I looked up at him to see he had tears rolling down his cheeks too.
"What should I be doing now? Is there something I can be doing more of to meet you sooner?" I asked.
"Honestly, I don't know." He replied. "I don't want to mess up the timeline. My time is up to be here with you, I have to go, I'm sorry."
 He wiped his tears away and stood up and walked away. Before he reached the door of the theatre he disappeared. I stood up and walked out of the theatre, and out into the sunlight. I looked back at the theatre, and as I was about to turn and walk to my car a man approached me.
 "Hi, are you Rachel? I'm Ted, your blind date!"

Just a Picture

As I step into the stairwell, I look around. This stairwell used to feel dark and somewhat foreboding. The walls were dark, just one light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and it smelled of old wood and varnish. I no longer fear the door at the bottom of the stair case. Now the walls are white, with bright flowers painted on them. Raindrop shaped lights are hung from the ceiling all the way down the stairs. The door is still heavy, but it has wooden gate with climbing flowers painted on it, so it feels like you are entering into a secret garden. I walk down the stairs and push the door open. I step onto the platform and let the door fall closed behind me.

I pause for a moment letting my thoughts fall around me. What do I want to know? What are my expectations? What is my brain telling me I should see? I watch my thoughts turn into pictures and float to ground around me, like leaves falling in autumn. My urge is to pick them back up and put them in my pocket. I look up at the blue freight train of energy, light and images zooming past me. I step towards the edge of the platform. I look back at the pictures laying on the floor. I take deep breath, I start to feel naked and lost without holding onto everything the pictures represent. Before I convince myself to go get them I reach my hand out and touch the blue freight train. I zoom along for a few minutes. I feel myself tumbling for a little while. I start to focus on where and when I want to go to. I want so badly to know where my pinnacle of success lies, internally. Where all the parts of my world feel fulfilled. Where my heart feels content, and I feel connected to my heart and my soul. I tumble along further and suddenly fall into an office.

I look around. There are big floor to ceiling windows along one whole wall, looking down over a city. There is a blue couch facing the window. There is a desk in the corner to my left. The walls have pictures hanging on them, but no photographs. there is a round wooden table in the right corner of the room. I look around at the table and desk. There are no calenders or newspapers to look at to see when  I travelled to. I look out the window, there is another tall building almost directly across from the window. I look to left and I can see smaller buildings as far as I can see. There are cars driving on the street. They look like regular cars from here, but I am at least 25 stories up. I look around the room again. along the back wall, opposite of the windows there is a door. I open the door and step into the hallway. there are cubicles to my left, that appear to all be empty. On my right are four elevators. I walk up to it and push the down button. The doors open. The elevator is empty. I step inside and look at the button panel. I click on floor one. As the elevator hums down the many levels, I wonder where time took me? What on Earth am I meant to see here? Where am I? The elevator doors open. The lobby is spacious and vacant. I walk to the doors leading outside. I pull the glass door open and step out onto the sidewalk. I stand there just letting everything soak in. The sun shining, the trees, the cars, the people walking past me. I look across the street, there is a small park area to the left. There is a woman sitting on the bench with a man. I walk down the sidewalk towards her, as  I get closer, I realize it is me. I cant actually tell how much older I am. I don't recognize the man, but we seem close. I don't seem to be able to get closer to her. My legs feel heavy. I look up in the sky. I hear a loud wind sound, I see the blue freight train of energy appear in the sky. It swoops towards me and scoops me up, for a brief second I am floating, then I see the platform and I am standing there again. All of my pictures are still laying on the floor. I watch them all turn to ash except one. What do I want to know? I pick up the picture and look at it. It is a picture of me and the man sitting on the park bench. I smile and put the picture in my pocket. I open the heavy door and head back up the stairs.

Reflection Question

It was a rainy evening in the city. It was the middle of October and the air had a crisp bite, as the rain fell softly. It was dusk, but the sky was dark with clouds, so it felt darker, and colder. I stood outside the restaurant door. People walking past me opening the door, coming and going. The air smelled good as it wafted out of the restaurant. I could feel the warm air of inside for a brief moment before the crisp October wind swept it away. I shivered in my coat, my shoulders hunched over as if it would keep me protected from the rain.

I was here to do an interview. My questions already jotted down on a piece of paper that I held clenched tightly in my fist, shoved in my coat pocket. I wanted to cancel the meeting. I was tired, cold and not really sure if I wanted to know the answers to my questions. I took another deep breath. My mind floated to my friend Rich. He had sent me a message letting me know the meeting had been set up. I didn't want to let him down. I knew he would want to ask about it, even if he didn't. I wanted to be able to tell him I went through with it.

I knew my interviewee was already inside the restaurant. Even though she acted carelessly most of the time, she was always worried about the judgment of being late, and not knowing how to get somewhere, where to park, what to say, where to sit.

I shook off the cold and opened the door to the restaurant. I stepped inside, and was greeted with warm air, the smell of bread, and a hint of old alcohol from the bar. I looked around at the tables to see if I could see anyone sitting alone. I spotted her towards the back of the room. She was of course facing the door. She was always paranoid, thinking people were following her, thinking she was seeing shadow figures, dead people, she thought most men were serial killers.

There I was 20 years younger sitting at the table waiting for me to arrive. My stomach turned, I could feel my heart racing, all of the sudden it felt really hot. I closed my eyes and took a step towards her. What the fuck is wrong with me!? The words echoed in my head. I am not going to let a damn 17 year old intimidate me. I pulled my shoulders back, and walked down to the table.

Hi, I said to my 17yo self. I guess I don't have to introduce myself. I chuckled uncomfortably as I sat down in the booth. I looked across the booth at my younger self. We sat there and stared at each other. Thoughts were zooming through my head. So many emotions. I felt anger rising in my throat as tears started to sting my eyes. She stared back at me, she had a startled look on her face. I could see the confusion in her eyes.

I took another deep breath, and pulled out my crinkled piece of paper from my coat pocket. I slowly uncurled it, trying to smooth the wrinkles out of it, then I unfolded it. I stared at the paper. It was blank. My questions were gone. I looked up at 17yo me. "Ummmm....ok, I guess I am just going to you whatever questions come up." I said to her. "Ok" she replied with a shrug. "Of course she doesn't care", I think to my self. My mind floats back to Rich, and the message he sent me...I wasn't supposed to think about the questions ..it was whatever came up first. If I am remembering it right.

I look up again at 17yo me.
 Why do you want to be a criminal profiler? what are you going to do if you fail? why cant you be more realistic with your goals? Why didn't you study more? Why do ruin my future? Why cant you be normal? Why cant you just leave men alone? Don't you know its a useless endeavor? Why do you think you will ever get married? Why are your expectations so ridiculous? Why cant you just plan for something more realistic? why do you have to be so grandiose? Why doesn't anyone love you? What are you doing wrong? Why cant you figure it out sooner? Why does it take you so long to to do anything?

I stopped for a moment to catch my breath.

"Do you have anything you want to say to me?" I asked.

"I'm sorry." She replied.
"Me too" I said. "I thought we were going to be so much more than what we are."
"Where do we go wrong?" she asked.
"I don't know, I guess life is planned differently than we expected it to." I said.
"I thought we were the makers of our own destiny?!" She replied.
I sighed, and looked down at my hands. I didn't really know what to tell her.
She asked "Wait...I don't get into the FBI?"
I shook my head. "No, we become a nurse."
Now 17yo me has tears welling up in her eyes. I can see the anger starting to flash through them. Her voice gets a little louder and her words become sharper. "This is your fault! You are future me, what the fuck did you do?! You ruined our dream? Why?"
I felt the hot sting of tears run down my cheeks, I had no answers for her. I stared down at the blank paper in front of me.
I look up at 17yo me. She got up from the table, and walked out the door.
At least my interview was finally over.

Conversation #4

I decided to go on the crazier side of things and bought land with a panel house to be built on it. It is all the way out in placerville and it is not complete yet. There are some days that I wonder if this was the correct path. It has been a longer process than my other options would have been.

I climb off the couch and step down the stairs. I open the door and stand in front of the Blue light train. I close my eyes and think about seeing future me and asking about the decision we made. I stick my hand out and close my eyes. I take a deep breath and step in to the light. I open my eyes. It is mid June out in Placerville. I am standing in front of a house that looks complete on the out side. I walk up to the house and open the door. I look around there are appliances in place in the kitchen, but the floor is still wood, with tarp over it. the furniture from out apartment is in the house, but it still has bare walls. I step into the bed room Future me is laying flooring in the bathroom.
"Hi" I say.
She pauses and sits back and takes a deep breath. but she doesn't turn around.
I ask "What do you think of our choice?"
"I never would have done this if  I had got a house that was move in ready. I am learning so much that I would not have otherwise. I  am going to be ready for buying  rental properties when I am done with this because I will know how to put new stuff in. Even if I screw this one up."
"Are the kids happy?"
"They love that they get to be a part of creating our home. The drive is a little much, but we make it work."
"How about the money?" I ask.
"The total amount was ok..we are doing good."
Ok so we are happy?"
"Yes this is great!"
"How did we get the loan approvals for this?
"I really don't know. I just kept trying different things until one of them worked."
"Any advice for what I should be doing all the way back in Feb?
"Still buy the ticket to EOL, still put a deposit for the trip to  Hawaii. You will be disappointed that you didn't and when you realize you still have the money it will be too late."
"Ok thank you!
 "Your welcome" She responds.
 I turned around and went into the kids bedrooms and then the Master bedroom, the kids were asleep in the bed. I turned around and went back outside and walked to the edge of the grass. I stepped into the thin veil and back onto the platform.  Up the stairs and back to my living room.

Conversation part 3

I decided to stay in the apartment and funnel all my extra money into buying a rental property. It has been really stressful. I took my whole bonus, and some of my retirement and borrowed some money and bought a rental property. I am wanting to know if this is really the right way to go. I could have bought a house or a mobile, but  I chose to stay here for now in my apartment. I need to know if this is the right choice to make.  I am going to ask future me how things are going with this option. I walk down the stairs again and open the door. I stand in front of the blue light tunnel.  I close my eyes and think about the future me early to mid June. I stick my hand out into the light and step in. I step out into the  concrete. I am by a pool again. Future me is still reading. Did I accidentally go to the wrong one?  I walk up to future me and ask"
 ..Hi did we buy a rental property?" Future me pauses her reading and sets the book down. She is staring into the pool and doesn't look up at me. "
We bought a rental property."
"Was it worth it I ask?"
She looks down at the book. The book has a bookmark in it. She pull it out of the book and looks at it. It is a check for some amount.
"This is our first rent check from the property we bought. It's not much but this a start."
"Are the kids happy?" I ask
"Yes..the possibility of having a house is still there and that is good."
"Are we doing ok money wise?"
"Yes, I'm getting a promotion so that will help."
"What made us decide not to buy something?"
"There wasn't a need to compromise what we wanted. Either have the house we want or stay."
"Where did we buy a place?" I asked
"We just needed to decide that was what we wanted. It will come up."
"OK thanks!"
"No problem." Future me says.
 Future me sat back in her chair and kept reading. I looked at the pool and the boys were playing happily in the pool. I stepped into the veil and back to home.

Conversation with Future me part 2

I have decided to buy a mobile home instead of a house. This decision has weighed heavily on me because there are some things that having a house allows that just simply are not there with a mobile home. I wanted a dog and a yard for the kids to play. Those are just not going to happen at this time. But I still want to make sure that this was the right choice. I am going to visit my future self to see if we are happy with decision in the future. 

I step off the couch and walk down the stairs, through the double doors. I pause at the Time Travel Train. I need to think about what I want and where I want tot go .  I want to ask my future self whether we are happy with our decision to buy a mobile instead of a house. I close my eyes and think about how far in the future I want to ask. I choose June; mid June. I put my hand out and stick it into the blue light. I leave it there for a moment, thinking about my future self. I open my eyes and step into the blue light. I step out onto concrete. There is a pool there and it is hot outside. I turn, I am sitting at a table by the pool. I walk up to me.
I ask "Are we happy with buying a mobile instead of a house?"
Future me is reading a book and sets it down for a moment. I never actually look up at me.
"At least we have a pool." Future me says.
"Do we like the place?"
"Its nice"
"Are we saving money?"
"Not as much as we wanted to."
"Are the kids happy?" I ask
"Yes..though they don't know what its like to have a house and a yard. I feel like I stole that opportunity from them."
"How is the commute?"
"Its easy."
"Do you regret buying  mobile instead of a house?"
"No, its just hard trying to convince the kids why this is better."
 "Ok thank you" I reply.
"Your welcome." Future me picks up he book again and goes back to reading. I walked to the edge of the concrete and stepped through the thin veil into the blue light and back onto the platform, through the door, up the stairs and back to the couch.

Conversation with future me.

Conversation with future me.


I am not really sure if I need to travel to the future to speak to future me or not. I take a deep breath. I climb off the couch and walk down a flight of stairs. I run my hands along the wood paneling on the walls. I stop at the door at the bottom of the stairs. I think to myself that I need to go just a few moths a head in the future. June in the beginning o June June 3rd. I focus on the date. I pull the heavy door open towards me. I feel the cool whoosh past me. I step onto the platform. The blue train size tube of energy is zooming past me. I look around in the  pictures that are floating in the blue zooming light. The pictures go slower than the light does. I focus on June 3rd 2018 A picture stops in front of me. I can feel the flicker of my mind trying to take over. I stop. I close my eyes. I let the picture go back in the blue light. I let the air continue to blow by me. I put my hand out into the  blue light  I open my eyes. I step into the picture before I can think too much about it it. I am standing at work. I look around I am parked in the same place. It is warm outside. I turn around and step back into the blue light and step onto the platform. ..hmmm what I am wanting to know from future me is if I bought a house, or mobile, or nothing and stayed in my apartment. I take another deep breath. I think to myself and ask.... I need to know which one I chose.  I step back in to the light. I am at work again. I am standing outside my car. Future me is in my car on her phone...probably scrolling through Facebook. The car is on and the window is rolled up. Future me answers without looking up from the phone "..Why do you need to know?"
 "I want to stop stressing about it now" I reply.
"We get a house."
 "Is it what we wanted?" I ask.
 "Mostly."
 "What is wrong with it?"
 "Its small, but we are making it work." Future me sighs.
 "Do we regret it?"
 "A little."
 "Should I buy a place or not?"
 "Maybe it will be better further in the future" future me says.
"Should I try more for a mobile?"
 "I dont know .."
"Is the house close to here?"
 "Close to school. Not here."
 "If I buy a mobile will I change the future?"
 "I guess that is how it works."
 "Ok thank you.."
"Yup. no problem."
 "You don't seem happy."
 "I hate this job remember...haha"
"Oh yea I forgot."
 I turn and step back into the blue light and I am back on the platform. I open the door, walk up the stairs to my couch.

Conversations with my soul. Part 4

I need to talk to my soul again. I need more guidance. I have questions. I need clarification. I fear making a wrong turn. There is no way for me to know the alternate path. I can only imagine what the different outcomes would be. This path is the only one I can see.


I climb off my couch. I step up onto the platform behind me. I walk up until  I can see the vegetation I can see the narrow path. I start walking up the path. It is warm and sunny today. Normally it is cold and gloomy. I weave my way through the bushes that hang over the path. It is steep and I have to lean forward to keep my balance. I push dead branches out of the way as I make my way to the top of the path. I see the opening in the path as it opens up to a clearing at the edge of the lake . There is fine ground rocks and some old pieces of wood that have been pushed to the shore. The wood not the sand. The gravelly sand is there in a small clearing. The other part of the lake has grass all the way to the edge of the water. I look across the lake.
"Hello!" I call out. "Are you here?"
 I look to the far edge of the lake where my soul took me last time. The land curves away to where I can no longer see the path. I focused my sights there and waited.
"I'm here!"  I hear a voice call out.
I wait. She rounds the corner of the path across the lake. I look down at the waters edge. I imagine a boat there and slowly I see the air swirl around as a boat appears to be being built from dust in the air. When it is complete I step into the boat. I focus my sights on the opposite edge of the lake. The boat seems to just know that is where I want to go. It pushes through the water to other edge. I climb out of the boat. I remember that last time I had my mind interfere with what I was trying to hear and see. I focus on my surroundings. And I try to stay focused on my questions.
 My soul runs up to me. "What are you doing here today?  I wasn't expecting you today."
"I know I wasn't planning on visiting so soon.  I need more answers."
 She looks at me .. "OK what do you need?"
"My questions are: What am I training for? What do I need to focus on? When should  I start? What kind of training am I doing? Physical, Mental, emotional, educational, vocational? There are too many options I need help to focus. What happens if I train in the wrong area?"
 She laughs out loud. Inwardly, I have a little awkward feeling. I have much anxiety about these things. She looks at me. "You know you're me right?
" ...Well yes..technically." I reply
 "Not technical...you are me. You choose to hide under your veil."
"Why do you not choose to hide?" I ask
"Because  I chose freedom." She said.
 "But you are me; did we not both choose freedom?" I asked; feeling perplexed.
"You chose earth. I chose a different...earth place. We chose."
 "Is earth harder to take off the veil? " I ask
"...no it is harder for you than for me.  Hmmm let me think of your questions for a moment. Don't add your thoughts to mine ... let me contemplate." She pauses and steps back. I am back in my living room for a moment chatting with my kids. I hear her start to talk so I jump back to the lake..

"Just as you answered yourself; you need to train physically. It will hep with mental focus.  You need to train and practice living on earth. You cannot hide until its over. Write more think less."
 "What is my goal?"....
"There is not a goal.. there is a pattern of evolving. There is people to connect to and paths to clear for others. Doors to open and soulful practice of healthy beliefs. To concrete the healthy patterns, so as to not need to repeat learning them again. You can set goals for yourself to help you, but not as an end result. You need to understand the patterns of growth are not set. Focus on reaching for a feeling and keeping it here. Write your new belief. and practice it. There are events that are going to occur and you will do best with training." She stops for a moment. "Your thoughts are merging with mine. give me a moment."
 I pause and I lean down a dip my fingers in the water. It is cold and clear. There is grass growing on the edge of the lake. I can see small fish darting around in the grass in the water. I look up at my soul...   she is prancing around in circles and humming a tune. I look down and feel the water on my fingers. so cold and refreshing. I look up and she walks up to me again.
"You need to focus on your feet. stay on the ground. talk to people. Set up a healthy pattern for your family. Reach for more earth knowledge. The soul already knows what you need to remember. Let me speak through you while you are on earth not just here. All the things that you dream of ...pick one... and bring it to life. Then the next one. Don't try all at once. Learn then use it. Don't try to learn all first. Did I mention you need to write more? You need to grow out from the veil. It hides you very well. Your light is blocked completely from here.  I can only see you when you are here. You will understand when you pull it off what I mean. But If I tell you each step the path will change."
"I have another question: on the earth that you live are we with our soul mate?" I ask.. 
"No I am waiting for us to catch up to each other. That is a journey we take together. when we are both whole."
"Am I not whole now?" I ask. "I feel like a whole person..."
 "Your soul is hiding.... whole ..not like fruit, but like all the cylinders on a car working; all the tires inflated evenly. All the rooms cleaned during spring... does this make sense?"
 "Yes.... So the first step?"
 "You will see... the mundane things save space for the rest of it." She answers.
"Do I start tomorrow?" I ask...as I feel my anxiety rise in my chest.
 "You cannot grow a plant in a day.... Maybe you can plant the seed... or pull the weeds where you want to plant... maybe a tree or rocks are in the way and you need to remove them first.... Maybe if you write it down. Not goals..patterns of success...with limitless outcomes... with a leap that is freedom, with patterns after that, that you can't plan yet.."
"Do you have bad days on your earth?" I ask
 "Yes...my freedom was hard fought, but the blanket on my earth is not as heavy as yours. It takes less time, energy, emotion and fight to gain freedom."
 "How can 1 soul split? I ask.
"With out a long story... we chose to divide and conquer. Not all souls do. Some splinter. Earth has been hard. This time is better with a tether to my earth. I can't explain more yet."
"Do you travel in time? I ask
 "Yes." She replies.
"Can you actually leave your earth?" I ask.
"Yes, but again my earth is not as heavy." She says.
"Will I be able to travel like that?"
"I cannot say... it depends. It is not a end goal nor a focus for our soul to master. As long as you do not hide behind it." She says.
I take a deep sigh. "OK."
"Do not leave here disappointed. You came for answers, they should be without expectation of answer. Go home and write the patterns down that you want to have, write down the belief you want and why. write down the emotions you want to feel, and what they are brought from. Write why you want to travel and where. Write it down until it is clear where you are in your gardening process. Think about how long it takes for a plant to grow. Draw a garden if you must. Plan out what you want it to look like. design it, then create it. And remember it is yours and your alone, but all of those you want in your life must have a place in, and space in your garden. You need to plan, and train."
I thank my soul for her/our /my help. I give her a hug and for a moment our soul is one. I try to feel the lightness and freedom as it is a part of me for a moment. I can feel the veil over me. I step back and thank her again.
She laughs. "Of course."  "Be sure and let me know when you meet him. I know where he is on my earth. I am just waiting for you."
 I laugh .."OK I will come tell you. Gosh will  I know when I meet him?"
 She laughs...not at first. But as you tether yourself to your memories they will resonate with him. HE will know. Don't let that go."
"OK sounds good" I reply.
I turn around and walk to the boat. I climb in and enjoy the cruise across the lake with the warm air blowing my hair. I climb out and start on the path down the away from the lake. I go quickly. I can see my couch at the bottom of the trail I step onto my couch and back to my living room.

Travel to Ireland....for 2 seconds

If I were to travel in time...where would I go? Hmmm.....I would want to go somewhere I knew looked different from here. I want to be able to physically feel things and speak...without messing up the timeline. I want to see an actual portal that I can step through. For now I will practice traveling in my etheric self.

I walk down a flight of stairs. They are wood, with wood paneling on the walls. There are double doors at the bottom of the stairs. They are a brick red color. There is not a door knob, just a red handle. I pull open the door and step past the door. There is a blue light racing by in front of me. I can't see any ground past the landing I am standing on. Besides the blue light, it is dark. The blue light whooshing by reaches high above the overhang, but I see the dark above it. I look down either direction.. It looks like a train station.. or a subway... the blue light zooming past can be seen as far as I can see in either direction. I look at the blue light...there are images that float past pretty quickly. It appears to be hollow in the center of the blue light . I look at the images to see if I recognize anything...hmmm I see some familiar memories. I look up at the images towards the top. I am having a hard time focusing. My kids are talking and asking questions. I am trying to stay there but I cant stay focused. ...............................the images look like movie clips.....old movies, nature movies, I am trying not to focus on movies...... where do I want to go?.......Ireland.  I had a dream many moons ago about a woman. I start to search the images for Ireland...The images stop. The one in front of me is green grass, with some hills, it is cold outside, there are low clouds on the horizon, and high clouds above me. I step into the image. The ground is solid under my shoes, I question whether I should go further...its flippin cold. I step further in, and look back behind me. I want to come home when I'm done. I can see a shadow of the doors and the landing platform I was standing on. It was more like shadows playing tricks on the eyes. The clouds moved more and the shadow was gone. I turn back around. I look to my left ....in the distance I can see some buildings one of them has some smoke coming out of the chimney. To my right...rocks, grass, and the hill slowly goes down. Looking forward it looks like the edge of the slope right in front of me but as I step forward I can see the rolling hills continue out in front of me for awhile. I take a step, the ground is cold under my feet.  I'm not sure what I should do now. I don't want to go to the houses, but going forward there is nothing. I decide to head home. As soon as I thought it, it was like the images were on rewind. Everything zipped backwards and I was at the top of the stairs. I turned around and stepped into bed.

A visit with my soul. A friend in nature

I went to see my soul last night. I have been to see her a few times. I meet her at a lake somewhere. I don't know how I get there, or how I know where to go. I was able to see the trail this time, that leads up to the lakes edge. I walk up the narrow dirt path. It is steep and is overgrown with tall bushes; their branches reaching across the path to each other. I stop at the top of the trail and look around. Both sides of the lake are lined with pink blooming trees. The water is dark and calm. For the first time it is not foggy. The sun is setting on the horizon and the sky is painted in red and orange. I look across the lake and I see my soul standing on the other side of the lake. I look down at the waters edge and see a small boat appear in front of me. I climb in the boat and it takes me across the lake with little effort. I climb out and walk up to my soul. As she stands there in front of me; I pause and say hi. We have not spoke before. Last time, we walked together, and before that I did not know how to cross the water.
"Hello, I'm so happy you are finally here!" She says very excitedly. I feel a little stunned to hear her voice.
 "I haven't heard you speak before" I said. ...
"I never had the opportunity" she replied.
 "Am I still on Earth?" I ask...My voice trailing off at the end...
She responds... "well...not your earth."
"I traveled to a different earth!?" I asked excitedly.
"You sound surprised" she says, "you have come here before though, so I thought you knew this was not your earth."
 I start to hear sounds around me, there is buzzing in my ears, zapping electrical sounds as what im looking at change and return. and I can see images flashing in the background, like a outdoor movie. they are loud, and the images surround me. I see everything around me start to change.
 "You need to tell your brain to stop" she says.
 In an instant the sounds and images are gone.
"What was that?" I asked.
"It was your mind trying to scare you. Walk with me" she says and starts to walk along the shore. I follow her.
"Do you have questions? What would you like to know?" she asks.
"Yes." I reply .."I do have a question.... What am I supposed to do? Why am I here? It is for my kids? Is there something specific I should be doing?" I start to hear the sounds around me again, like someone changing the stations on a radio and the volume is full blast. images are flashing around me. I feel myself slipping away....like I am being pulled into the flashing images. I am trying to focus on her through the images and sounds.
"FOCUS!" she says sternly and grabs my shoulders. The images are gone instantly.
"I am sorry" I tell her.."I am trying to stay focused but I think I am falling asleep at home."
"Come with me" she says "I want to show you something." We walk around the bend that follows the waters edge. I have never seen this part of the lake before. We are now facing the setting sun. I can feel the warmth of the last of the suns rays on my cheeks. I can see past the lake.  I look farther...I see what looks like a valley. I turn to her and ask what that is, where that is. She says that is her home in the future.
 She turns and faces me..."you need to start training" she tells me. "Training?" I ask.... "what kind of training?"
 "You need to be ready for the fight." she says. "Start now and you will be ready."
 "Like a physical fight?" I ask. I can feel nervousness start to rise in my throat and my cheeks. She laughs.
 "This I cannot say. There is more I would like to tell you" she says. The sounds come back, they are loud buzzing sounds, I can't hear her. I can tell she is still talking. Images of other worlds and other thoughts start to flash in front of me. I try to focus on what she is saying but I can't hear her. she continues to speak.. I can make out a few of the words..Search.... tomorrow..... you will find it. I turn and look back to where we had walked from...the sounds and flashes still there. I can't get them to stop. I need to go home. I blink and I am back around the bend. I can see the boat. I stare at it for a second and I am instantly in the boat that I had looked at. I look at the shore where I started and I am instantly there. I start walking down the path away from the lake. I can't see the bottom of the trail. The sounds are gone, the images are gone. I can feel my tiredness covering me like a blanket. I can feel my self walking closer to me falling asleep.

Time Traveller

One of the biggest things that happened in 2018 was that I learned how to time travel. I know it sounds crazy, and I'm not that good at it yet....lol.

I was running at the park one evening after work, and there was someone else there running too. The person stopped me after we had passed each other a few times. I really thought the person was crazy at first. They asked if I remembered who they were....they said their name as if I would know it. I was drawing a blank...lol I was thinking...um ...crazy person 😂
The person became somewhat annoyed and asked if they could just run in the same direction as me so we wouldn't keep crossing paths. I needed to do 2 more laps so I agreed...lol
As we were running, the person brushed up against my arm and we were instantly in a different time. It was crazy. I kinda freaked out a little bit, but it was like putting on an old pair of jeans, or like riding a bike. I realized that I had already been a time Traveller, but I had forgotten about this ability.

I can travel through time😂 what an incredible gift.

The Old Lady

It was a crisp cool day in November. The sun was shining, but the air was cold and biting. The leaves that remained on the branches, still clinging to Autumn, were almost all turned yellow and red, but they were still there on the tree limbs. I was walking down the sidewalk on  a quiet street lined with trees and townhomes, headed into town for lunch.
I saw an elderly woman walking slowly up ahead of me a ways. I drifted off into thought for a few minutes.
I came back to reality as I got closer to the old woman. I did not want to startle her so I slowed my pace a little bit. She was carrying a blue reusable grocery bag, and a little brown purse in the crook of her right elbow. She wore a nice navy blue peacoat and white pants. I continued my slow pace behind her. As we approached the next grouping of townhomes, I looked up at them. They were brown with small windows upstairs and down. There was a little porch for each one, and a small concrete walkway that cut straight to the sidewalk. As we approached the first walkway the old lady turned and shuffled onto the concrete walkway. She glanced up towards me and made eye contact with me. I guess she could hear me behind her.
All of the sudden she let out a loud cry!
AHHH!.
OWW!
She gripped her elbow, and held it tight against her. She looked up at me as I trotted up to her. "What happened?" I asked....trying to assess the situation.
"Oh my elbow, it slipped out of socket!" She said. She moved her hand away from her elbow. Even through the thick blue peacoat, I could see the arm extend a little too far down at the bend of her elbow.
"Let me help you with your bags." I said.
She let me gently pull her bags off her arm. She shuffled up the step to her door, and with her left hand she fished around in her pocket and found her house keys. She got the door open and we stepped inside.
It was a small place. The entrance to the stairs was right in front of me. To my left was two closed doors and to my right was the living room. The old lady shuffled into the living room past the couch to the chair that was already pulled out at the table. There was an old man on the couch. He was dressed in a suit and his head was resting on a pillow on the arm of the couch. He had a black hat on and it was pulled down over his eyes.
"You just put those bags on the floor there."
She pointed to kitchen floor just around the corner of the room. I walked the bags over, trying to be quiet for her napping husband.
I turned toward her and said "do you want me to call an ambulance for you?"
She shook her her head, no. "If you could just help me get my coat off, that will do just fine."
I walked up to her with my back to the old man asleep on the couch. I was helping her stand up from her chair, when I felt something behind me. I turned around and the old man was standing behind me; towering over me by a solid foot. I gasped and started to apologize for waking him, when I realized he was not old. I stared at him for a few seconds as my thoughts started to process what was happening, and the fear started to rise in my throat.
My mind started to race through a million thoughts trying to reason with myself and calm the panic I was starting to feel. I continued to stare at him, unsure of what to say. My mouth was dry, I could feel my fingertips tingling with fear.
"I...I.........I am s..sorry I woke you up" I stammered. My voice cracking a little as I tried to get the words out.
He said nothing. He didn't move. He was standing so close to me I could feel the exhales of his breath through his nose. His were still cold, his face was emotionless.
I tried to step back and felt my leg hit the chair behind me. I finally remembered the old lady and slowly turned to look at her.
She was still old. She stood there with a slight smirk in her face, at least I think it was a smirk. She was still holding her elbow as if it hurt, but she didn't say anything.
"Is this your son?" I asked. My voice shaking a little. "What is going on?" "I should get going." The words were tumbling out of my mouth as a sinking realization started to wash over me.
I look at the man, then back to the old lady. I see the flash of the knife in the man's hand. I felt the knife sink into my gut.

I step aside and look at me standing there. This is how that life ended. I had wondered if the answers were in the moments leading up to my death, or if I would have to work backwards from here. I took another step away from the man. I am happy he can't see me this time. I watch my body slump to the floor. I write down a few notes in my notebook.
I step out of the townhouse. I take a deep breath. I hated the cold air for lifetimes after this. I hated to shiver, as if that was what led me inside the townhouse. I start to walk back up the  street. The portal to the next life I am studying is ready.