At The Movies

My friend set me up with a blind date. I'm not sure why I agreed, but I did. As I stood outside of the movie theatre my mind was racing with excuses on how to get out of the date, excuses how to leave early, and a thousand critiques of my flaws thus giving him a reason to leave early. I heaved a deep sigh as I checked my phone again.

I was standing outside the theatre waiting for him to arrive. I knew he would be wearing a blue shirt, but other than that, my friend didn't want to tell me anything else. It felt like everyone was wearing blue that day.

A movie attendant came out of the building and walked up to me. "Are you Rachel?" She asked.
"Yes" I replied. Instantly thinking he had called the theatre and cancelled.
"Your date is already in the theatre." She smiled, "Follow me" she said, as she turned around and headed back into the theatre.

I followed her in the main doors, and to my surprise we continued down the hall to a theatre. She pulled the door open and we walked up the ramp into the room. There was already something playing on the screen, but I couldn't tell if it was a movie or an advertisement. The theatre was empty with the exception of a man in a blue shirt in the middle of the sea of seats. I turned to say thank you to the attendant, but she was already gone.

Well, I thought, this it, I'm either in, or, I'm out. I walked up the stairs to the row he was sitting in and walked down to the seat next to him and sat down. The movie that was playing was dark and I couldn't see his face very well.

"Hi" he said. "You can call me what ever name you like, I am from the future and I cant tell you my real name."
I looked over at him as the lights changed again so I couldn't see his features.
"Why are you coming to see me here?" I asked. "Do I know you in the future?"
He laughed, "Of course you do. I wouldn't be here with you if we didn't know each other in the future."

"Why are you here?" I asked again.
"I came back because I didn't want you to doubt. In the future you talk a lot about this time in your life. That you doubt in your self of creating the life you want. You talk about how you don't think you will meet me. I just want to ease the doubt."
I sat quiet for a minute. "Yes I do have doubts, I cant see it, so it feels impossible. The life I want, the love I want." I looked down at my hands. " I feel lost most days, and some days, stuck. Most days i am not lonely, but when I do feel it, it lays on me like a heavy blanket."

"We build the life together. That is why it is so hard for you to imagine what we create. You cant read a mind you haven't met yet." He said quietly.

"When do I meet you?" I asked.
He laughed again, "you know I cant tell you that, it will screw up the timeline. You are the one who taught me that!"
"Why did we meet here at the theatre?"
"We met here because I wanted to show you some movies. These are parts of our lives that we have created. Just me coming here will alter some things in our timeline, but nothing drastic. These videos are parts that don't change. Are you ready to watch them?" He sat silently staring at me waiting for me to answer.
I sat in bewilderment for a few moments. I looked up at the screen, and noticed it was paused. I look over at him, "Ok, I am ready" I replied with a smile. I sat back in my seat, and faced the movie screen, as he hit play on the movie of our future life.

As the movie ended, I felt a pang of sadness in my chest, and it rose into my throat. "Its perfect." I said quietly, as a tear rolled down my cheek. He gently wiped the tear away.
 "Yes, and it is ours" he replied softly. "I don't learn how to time travel until after I meet you, you will have to find me. I am sorry for that." His voiced cracked. I looked up at him to see he had tears rolling down his cheeks too.
"What should I be doing now? Is there something I can be doing more of to meet you sooner?" I asked.
"Honestly, I don't know." He replied. "I don't want to mess up the timeline. My time is up to be here with you, I have to go, I'm sorry."
 He wiped his tears away and stood up and walked away. Before he reached the door of the theatre he disappeared. I stood up and walked out of the theatre, and out into the sunlight. I looked back at the theatre, and as I was about to turn and walk to my car a man approached me.
 "Hi, are you Rachel? I'm Ted, your blind date!"

Dig Deeper

"Dig Deeper" She said.

"I don't know how much further I can go" I replied, as I lifted another shovel full of dirt out of a gaping hole in the ground. 

It was dark out, it was the darkest out. There was no moon, a heavy layer of clouds blocking the light of the stars, and we were hundreds of miles away from civilization. 

We had hiked almost an hour into the hills, from the car. We had started hiking right as the light of day was turning gray.

"Dig deeper" She said again. "Just keep digging. you will know when you find it".

I look up at her, though I cant see anything, I can feel the dirt on my face, I am sweating, even through the cold night air. She is standing at the edge of the gaping hole, I am assuming, peering down at me.

"I don't even know what I am looking for, how can I know, if I don't know? This is crazy!" 

We had been out here for what felt like hours. The night air had turned from the warm of evening to the cold of night. Through the sweat I could feel the chill in my bones.

"You just have to keep digging, we wont leave until you find it." She said insistently.

"This is ridiculous, I am frickin tired of digging." I mumble under my breath.

Shovel, after shovel I continue to dig.

"There is nothing down here" I say exasperatedly

" I don't even know what I'm looking for!"

"Just keep going, keep digging deeper" she said calmly from the comfort of the surface above me.

THUMP. 

The shovel hit something hard, and hollow.

"Do you have me out here digging up a grave?!" I yell to her. "I am NOT digging up a dead body!"

"It is not a dead body" she laughs. "Just dig around it until you can get it out."

I  shovel on the sides until I don't feel the shovel hit anything, I finally get the box cleared of the dirt. I lift it up, it is heavy, with dirt stuck to it. I hoist it above my head as high as I can. "Here, grab it" I grunt as dirt falls in my face. I feel the box lift off my hands. I brush off my face and climb the dirt wall out of the hole.

It feels so dark out, I can hardly see my hand in front of my face.

"How are we going to make it back to the car tonight, with no light?" I ask.

"We don't, it is almost morning, and we can stay here until then."

I shiver at the thought of sitting out here all night, but I am too tired to fight with her, let alone even respond. I curl up on the cold ground and stare into the darkness.

I must have dozed off, laying on the cold hard ground, because I was awoken by the sun shining on my face.

I sit up, and sit in front of the box. It is wooden, with a lid that looks nailed down. I try to pull the lid off, and to my surprise it came off with ease. I set the lid down and peer inside the box. it is full of pictures and figurines. I look at each of the pictures. I stop at one. It is not a picture but maybe a postcard. It says the word resentment on it in bold letters. I set it down, and continue to sort through the items. A lot of them have pictures of someone that looks like me, but is not me. They are all in different eras, ages, and locations. I lay them out so I can see all of them. There are other postcards too, they say Love, Hate, Permission, and Dread. 

I pull the figurines out of the box next. They look like little angels with different emotions. One looks sad, one is dancing, One is thinking, one is sleeping, one crying, one is angry, one is happy. I stand them up in between the cards.

I look over my shoulder, "Sister, what the hell does all of this mean? What is this? How did you know we would find something?"

"Great Grandma told me." She said quietly, as she stood behind me, looking at the spread of items on the ground. "She said they were trinkets, treasures, and tribulations." 

I look into the wooden box again, at the bottom are some other small trinket looking items and they were sitting on some drawings. I reach in to pull the first trinket out. It is HEAVY. Like Thor's Hammer heavy. I stand up to get leverage and using both hands I pull this small thumb size trinket out of the box. I look at it, it is a silver bird cage. I drop it on the ground with a thump. I reach in and grab the next item. It is also small and immensely heavy. I pull it out and look at it. I cant tell at first what it is. It is a cleaver. I drop that one on the ground. I look in, three more to go. The next one looks like a blade of grass. The next one is a picture frame, and the last one was a heart. 

I pull out the drawings. They are changing images as I look at them. there are three papers with changing images on them. They slowly morph from one image to the next. I set them down next to the photographs.

"Sister, what are we supposed to do with all of this?" I ask.

"Well,  I guess we  are ready to head home. Pack up the box, it is coming with us." 

The Search for Heartsong

She climbed onto her horse and adjusted the reins. She was riding out into the woods in search of Shaman woman named Heartsong. The sun shone directly above her, she could feel the horse starting to sweat through his jet black coat. There was no saddle, or stirrups, just a blanket laid across his back. Her ranch was at the edge of the mountains, sitting on the valley floor. It would be cold at the higher parts of the mountains, so she made sure to pack an extra blanket in her backpack.

She had not spoken to Heartsong in many years.  It would be difficult at best to find her in the woods. She thought back to yesterday morning, she was sitting in the diner drinking coffee when her friend Janea sat down and joined her.
 "You know Heartsong is out there" Janea said as she sipped her coffee.
 I looked across the table at her and said "I haven't seen her in years, there is no way I could find her." Janea smiled "If you listen, you can find her. She is quiet, but not so quiet you cant find her if you look". "All right" I said, I will head out tomorrow and see if I can find her". "Where was she spotted last?"
Janea Responded "I'm sure she is among the trees".

As Jack started to trot across the field, her mind started to wander in thought. She wondered what Heartsong would say, would she recognize her. Jack slowed as they reached the trees, the horse and her headed into the woods. She rode all day and into the evening, winding through trees, across clearings, around rock outcroppings. She started to wonder if she could even find Heartsong. She was ready to make a camp for the night and start fresh in the morning. As she headed into a clearing she could see the glow of a fire. She rode cautiously up to the fire. It was Ranger Rich.
 "Hey Rich! What are you doing up here in the woods?"
 Rich said "I heard you might need some help finding Heartsong, so I figured I would come out and scout it out before you got here." She climbed off of Jack and sat down in front of the fire. She was happy to have the company out in the woods.
"Alright Rich, what am I looking for?" She asked. "I have searched everywhere today, I couldn't even find a trace of Heartsong anywhere."
Rich laughed "Rachel to find Heartsong, you have to listen to the sounds of her speaking. It is subtle, you have to listen beyond the clopping of the hooves, and the roar of the wind. It is in the leaves falling, a rock settling further into the ground. That kind of subtle."
"Thank you Rich." She replies. "I will listen carefully tomorrow so I can find Heartsong and speak to her."

The next morning when she woke, she sat still and listened to the sounds around her. Rich had left before dawn, and all that remained of the fire was ash, and coals hiding underneath. She decided not to ride Jack today, she would just lead him. She decided to climb over the ridge so the wind would not be so loud. The sun met her on the ridge and she could could feel the warm glow seeping into her skin. She stopped in a small clearing away from the wind, Jack was not moving around. She closed her eyes and listened.
 "Hello Rachel."
She opened her eyes and looked around, she could not see anyone. She thought she heard someone say her name, but now it might have the whistle of wind.
"What do you want to ask me?"
She kept her eyes closed and tried to focus on the voice. It was so quiet, she could not tell if she was actually hearing it or imagining it.
"Heartsong, is that you?" Rachel asked.
"Yes it is I" Heartsong responds.
"Why don't you speak to me anymore?" Rachel asked.
"The wind, and the sea can over power even the loudest voice, I cannot shout above them." Heartsong replied.
"So you just stopped speaking to me? What if I needed guidance? I feel lost. I thought you had died, and turned to stone." Rachel said.
"I have spoken. I have twisted the wind into words, so you could hear. I moved the waves so they could speak to you. You are not lost. You have always followed the guidance I have given. Even when you did not agree."
"What do you want to ask me?" Heartsong repeated  her question.
"What do I really want?" Rachel asked.
"Freedom" Heartsong replied.
"But what does that look like? How do I get that? How much? When?" Rachel rattled off her questions.
"Freedom to receive love, Freedom to spend your time as you desire, Freedom to write what you want, freedom to speak, freedom to travel, freedom to listen to me. As much as it takes to not make you feel I am made of stone. Now and tomorrow and forever on."
"How does that relate to work? I have bills and responsibility."
"You must listen intently. My wisdom is beyond a job. You must not damage yourself to show proof of listening. You must gently follow what warms the heart. A pot does not boil instantly. A heart does not thaw in a moment. Do not fear change, judgments and expectations from others. Do not fear, fear for others. What makes your heart feel warm? Do that."
"What if lots of things feel warm? What if I cant decide?" Rachel asked feeling perplexed
Heartsong responded  "You need to be gentle, gently follow, one small step at a time. Ask for guidance in the moment. It will help with clarity. It is getting cold out here my friend, you must head back home."
Rachel continued to listen intently, but could no longer her Heartsong's voice. The wind was howling now. Rachel had not noticed the storm rolling in. The air was getting colder by the minute, clouds were dark and menacing, she could feel the wind starting to bite at her cheeks. She heard hoof clops behind her. There was Rich on his horse. "What are you doing here?" Rachel asked. "Heartsong said you might need some guidance back down to the valley. I am here to lead the way." HE was holding a big light that looked like a beacon. It lit up the whole area around him. Rachel climbed on Jack and as they both turned the horses around the rain started to fall. Rich's light shone like a beacon lighting a path in front of the horses, all the way down the mountain. They were both soaking wet and shivering as they started across the valley floor.
"I think you can make from here." Rich said, as he turned and headed home. Rachel waved good-night and headed to the stables. She could here the echo of Heartsongs words in her head. "Gently follow what makes the heart warm."

Just a Picture

As I step into the stairwell, I look around. This stairwell used to feel dark and somewhat foreboding. The walls were dark, just one light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and it smelled of old wood and varnish. I no longer fear the door at the bottom of the stair case. Now the walls are white, with bright flowers painted on them. Raindrop shaped lights are hung from the ceiling all the way down the stairs. The door is still heavy, but it has wooden gate with climbing flowers painted on it, so it feels like you are entering into a secret garden. I walk down the stairs and push the door open. I step onto the platform and let the door fall closed behind me.

I pause for a moment letting my thoughts fall around me. What do I want to know? What are my expectations? What is my brain telling me I should see? I watch my thoughts turn into pictures and float to ground around me, like leaves falling in autumn. My urge is to pick them back up and put them in my pocket. I look up at the blue freight train of energy, light and images zooming past me. I step towards the edge of the platform. I look back at the pictures laying on the floor. I take deep breath, I start to feel naked and lost without holding onto everything the pictures represent. Before I convince myself to go get them I reach my hand out and touch the blue freight train. I zoom along for a few minutes. I feel myself tumbling for a little while. I start to focus on where and when I want to go to. I want so badly to know where my pinnacle of success lies, internally. Where all the parts of my world feel fulfilled. Where my heart feels content, and I feel connected to my heart and my soul. I tumble along further and suddenly fall into an office.

I look around. There are big floor to ceiling windows along one whole wall, looking down over a city. There is a blue couch facing the window. There is a desk in the corner to my left. The walls have pictures hanging on them, but no photographs. there is a round wooden table in the right corner of the room. I look around at the table and desk. There are no calenders or newspapers to look at to see when  I travelled to. I look out the window, there is another tall building almost directly across from the window. I look to left and I can see smaller buildings as far as I can see. There are cars driving on the street. They look like regular cars from here, but I am at least 25 stories up. I look around the room again. along the back wall, opposite of the windows there is a door. I open the door and step into the hallway. there are cubicles to my left, that appear to all be empty. On my right are four elevators. I walk up to it and push the down button. The doors open. The elevator is empty. I step inside and look at the button panel. I click on floor one. As the elevator hums down the many levels, I wonder where time took me? What on Earth am I meant to see here? Where am I? The elevator doors open. The lobby is spacious and vacant. I walk to the doors leading outside. I pull the glass door open and step out onto the sidewalk. I stand there just letting everything soak in. The sun shining, the trees, the cars, the people walking past me. I look across the street, there is a small park area to the left. There is a woman sitting on the bench with a man. I walk down the sidewalk towards her, as  I get closer, I realize it is me. I cant actually tell how much older I am. I don't recognize the man, but we seem close. I don't seem to be able to get closer to her. My legs feel heavy. I look up in the sky. I hear a loud wind sound, I see the blue freight train of energy appear in the sky. It swoops towards me and scoops me up, for a brief second I am floating, then I see the platform and I am standing there again. All of my pictures are still laying on the floor. I watch them all turn to ash except one. What do I want to know? I pick up the picture and look at it. It is a picture of me and the man sitting on the park bench. I smile and put the picture in my pocket. I open the heavy door and head back up the stairs.

Reflection Question

It was a rainy evening in the city. It was the middle of October and the air had a crisp bite, as the rain fell softly. It was dusk, but the sky was dark with clouds, so it felt darker, and colder. I stood outside the restaurant door. People walking past me opening the door, coming and going. The air smelled good as it wafted out of the restaurant. I could feel the warm air of inside for a brief moment before the crisp October wind swept it away. I shivered in my coat, my shoulders hunched over as if it would keep me protected from the rain.

I was here to do an interview. My questions already jotted down on a piece of paper that I held clenched tightly in my fist, shoved in my coat pocket. I wanted to cancel the meeting. I was tired, cold and not really sure if I wanted to know the answers to my questions. I took another deep breath. My mind floated to my friend Rich. He had sent me a message letting me know the meeting had been set up. I didn't want to let him down. I knew he would want to ask about it, even if he didn't. I wanted to be able to tell him I went through with it.

I knew my interviewee was already inside the restaurant. Even though she acted carelessly most of the time, she was always worried about the judgment of being late, and not knowing how to get somewhere, where to park, what to say, where to sit.

I shook off the cold and opened the door to the restaurant. I stepped inside, and was greeted with warm air, the smell of bread, and a hint of old alcohol from the bar. I looked around at the tables to see if I could see anyone sitting alone. I spotted her towards the back of the room. She was of course facing the door. She was always paranoid, thinking people were following her, thinking she was seeing shadow figures, dead people, she thought most men were serial killers.

There I was 20 years younger sitting at the table waiting for me to arrive. My stomach turned, I could feel my heart racing, all of the sudden it felt really hot. I closed my eyes and took a step towards her. What the fuck is wrong with me!? The words echoed in my head. I am not going to let a damn 17 year old intimidate me. I pulled my shoulders back, and walked down to the table.

Hi, I said to my 17yo self. I guess I don't have to introduce myself. I chuckled uncomfortably as I sat down in the booth. I looked across the booth at my younger self. We sat there and stared at each other. Thoughts were zooming through my head. So many emotions. I felt anger rising in my throat as tears started to sting my eyes. She stared back at me, she had a startled look on her face. I could see the confusion in her eyes.

I took another deep breath, and pulled out my crinkled piece of paper from my coat pocket. I slowly uncurled it, trying to smooth the wrinkles out of it, then I unfolded it. I stared at the paper. It was blank. My questions were gone. I looked up at 17yo me. "Ummmm....ok, I guess I am just going to you whatever questions come up." I said to her. "Ok" she replied with a shrug. "Of course she doesn't care", I think to my self. My mind floats back to Rich, and the message he sent me...I wasn't supposed to think about the questions ..it was whatever came up first. If I am remembering it right.

I look up again at 17yo me.
 Why do you want to be a criminal profiler? what are you going to do if you fail? why cant you be more realistic with your goals? Why didn't you study more? Why do ruin my future? Why cant you be normal? Why cant you just leave men alone? Don't you know its a useless endeavor? Why do you think you will ever get married? Why are your expectations so ridiculous? Why cant you just plan for something more realistic? why do you have to be so grandiose? Why doesn't anyone love you? What are you doing wrong? Why cant you figure it out sooner? Why does it take you so long to to do anything?

I stopped for a moment to catch my breath.

"Do you have anything you want to say to me?" I asked.

"I'm sorry." She replied.
"Me too" I said. "I thought we were going to be so much more than what we are."
"Where do we go wrong?" she asked.
"I don't know, I guess life is planned differently than we expected it to." I said.
"I thought we were the makers of our own destiny?!" She replied.
I sighed, and looked down at my hands. I didn't really know what to tell her.
She asked "Wait...I don't get into the FBI?"
I shook my head. "No, we become a nurse."
Now 17yo me has tears welling up in her eyes. I can see the anger starting to flash through them. Her voice gets a little louder and her words become sharper. "This is your fault! You are future me, what the fuck did you do?! You ruined our dream? Why?"
I felt the hot sting of tears run down my cheeks, I had no answers for her. I stared down at the blank paper in front of me.
I look up at 17yo me. She got up from the table, and walked out the door.
At least my interview was finally over.

The Dreaded Ease of Discomfort

I sat down in front of the TV. Unsolved Mysteries was about to start. Every week Robert Stack would tell the world about another woman who was found dead in the woods, another child dragged from the park into a car, never to be seen again.
"This is it." I thought.
"I'm going to help find these killers."

"I am going to be a Criminal Profiler for the FBI." I announced to no one in particular.

I read every book I could find about serial killers, criminal profiling, I studied psychology, I bought a gun, I went on Ride-ALongs, I dated a guy whose uncle was a serial killer (and in prison). I trained, I ran, I did push-ups, sit-ups, I learned how to fight, how to break a neck, an arm, whatever I needed to.

I was ready.

Next step college. My gateway to freedom, my path to my dream. My downfall.

The first class I took, I failed. Doubt crept in like a thick fog, and settled in to stay.

I took another class, I passed. I took a few more. Time marched on faster than my expectations.

The weight of life pushed down on me. My gateway to freedom started to look like a dark abyss out in front of me.

I looked over and Fear was standing next to me.
"How long have you been standing there?" I asked.
"Long enough" Fear replied.

I am not meant to be an FBI agent, I am not smart enough, fast enough, educated enough. I dont have the right tools, right mindset, right degree.

Fear stood there with a boombox on his shoulder and played this on repeat. It echoed through the fog of doubt, and amplified the dark abyss.

I stood at the crossroads of FBI and anything else. My heart hurt, my soul ached. I took a step towards anything else. I picked up my backpack of Dread. It was almost to heavy to bear. I looked down at my feet. One slow step at a time. Five hundred steps, a thousand.

As I walked through life, life continued to happen. I look behind me as I walk. Fear is next to me, the fog of doubt surrounds me if I pause for too long, the backpack of Dread is heavy. Around my ankles I now have tied to me Regret and Guilt. I dont even remember when they latched on to me. But we have been walking together for many, many miles now.

I am tired. I tell Fear to go away. I yell at him.  I try to run. Dread is too heavy. I try to put the backpack down, but when I stop moving, the fog of Doubt envelopes me. I cant see. All I can hear is Fears boombox on repeat. I start walking again. The comfort of the rhythm. Guilt and Regret dragging along. Fears sounds start to sound normal. The fog becomes comforting like a blanket, and the backpack makes me feel grounded.

Time continues to march on. My expectations lay shattered like glass all around me. I just keep walking.

Dear Money

Dear Money,

How are you? I am doing well, thanks. I wanted to write you and talk about our relationship. I appreciate the energy you provide. I enjoy working for you, but I wish you were available under less duress. It kinda scares me to think about not having you here. You are a great provider.

Moving forward I would like to have a more energetic relationship with you. The more you are with me, the more I can give to others. I would appreciate it, if you could show up in more ways. I will work on my end to give you more avenues to get here. To show up.

Sometimes I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I appreciate the support you offer and are able to provide.

I will show you more love, and appreciation for the work you do, and how often you show up in times of need.

I look forward to our relationship evolving and growing. To where we have a mutual respect for each other, and are striving towards the same goal of lifting others up.

Love,
Rachel