The Struggle to See Beyond The Veil

I poured myself a cup of hot coffee, and sat down at the table in the kitchen. The sun was shining and I could feel the warm sun shining in to the kitchen. Roger steps into the kitchen carrying an old book. It is big with a leather cover and raised images on the front. He sits down in the chair next me.
"Rachel" he says, with an Italian accent. He sounds like Massimo from The Wedding planner.
"I need to show you these images in the book."
 I sigh heavily. "I have tried. I don't see anything the pages are blank."
"Rachel, just look, I put them in a book, so maybe to help see them."
I open the cover of the book to the first page. there are some words centered in the middle of the page. They are blurry. I pause and try to get my eyes to focus on them. for a moment I can read it. Dedicated to, and in loving memory my Grandmother Bertha.
I turn to the next page. The index.
I turn a few more pages until I get to a page that only says: Chapter 1
I turn the page over. Bob Seger's Turn the Page starts to play from inside the book somehow. I stare at the pages, they look blank to me. ummm.... I see a glimpse of red on the right page and then its gone.  On the left page I see blue...like the ocean and a boat, a sailboat, in the ocean. The image fades in and out.  on the other page it looks like a drawing or painting. The red dress....it's on a woman. She is sitting on a bench.. in a park, or on a trail. she is looking away, I cant see her face in the picture. I turn to look at Roger...."Ok I can see these two pictures."
"Yes Rachel" as he smooths the page over with his hand .."that is good, look more, can you find the words in the picture? I will get myself a cup of coffee while you look."
 I turn and look at the page with the boat. I can barely see the image. I have to keep repeating Boat, boat, boat, in my head to keep the image on the page, or it fades to white. I smooth the page over with my hand. Maybe its the light glare on the shiny page. For a moment I can see writing under the boat in the water. I run my hand over the page again..but its gone.
In a blink I am back in real life. Sitting in the chair in my living room. I get a real cup of coffee, peruse Facebook for a minute, watch my dad play his fishing game...
I can hear Roger yelling at me from the kitchen.
Ok, back to the book.
I sit back down in the chair, in the kitchen next to Roger.
"I've been calling for you." Roger laughs...."I am only kidding ..where you go, I go."
"Can you see the words?" Roger asks.
I stare at the boat picture. It is staying on the page for longer. I can see the details of the water. The fuzzy line where sky meets the sea. I lean in to look closer at the picture.
Roger laughs again. "You do not need to bring closer to you. Maybe imagine it like a zoom on your phone." He pinched his fingers on the page and expanded them ...the picture got bigger.
"Hmm OK let me try."
I look at the boat in the ocean, and reach out and expand the image like I would on my phone. It gets bigger, but blurry, then nothing, its gone. I pinch the image..the boat is back. I try again, slower. There are numbers on the side of the boat. I see for a brief moment what looks like GPS coordinates in the water. hmm...some words mixed in too. M.. comp...s...45
 On the boat there is the letter C and then numbers.
Back to trying to see the words in the water... 0645N.
Roger places his hand over the image. "Look at the next page, we will come back to this later."
"OK." I reply.
 I look at the other image on the right. The girl is white, thin, with reddish brown hair. She is wearing a red summer dress.
"See if you can read the sign." Roger said.
"I don't even see a sign in the picture." I said.
"You must walk in the image past her to see."
I look over at him, trying hard not to roll my eyes.
"I'm already imagining that I am here in the kitchen with you, now you want me to imagine in an imagination?"
"Yes."
I stare at the picture. next hing I know..I'm standing on the dirt trail.
"Hi" i say to the girl.
She doesn't turn towards me or respond.
"She cannot hear you yet. These are just pictures for now." Roger said.
I start to walk past her. She seems frozen in that spot. I can see the sign now. It's around the bend just enough to not see it from where I was. It's a wooden sign like what you see on hiking trails.
The words are printed white on the board with a brown background. I can't focus on them.
Roger whispers "White River." "That's cheating" I tell him, "I'm supposed to reading it and I can't."
"Yes but you can hear me so well, and I can read it." Said Roger. "It is OK. we will try again in a bit."
 I looked back at the girl sitting on the bench frozen in time. and with a deep breath I was back to here. sitting typing the words out onto my computer.

**I have since learned that the letters on a boat are registration. The letters correspond with the state.
** There is a town called White River, and a campground called White River, both here in California.

Photo Credit: Photo by Colton Sturgeon on Unsplash

Conversations with my Spirit Guide

How these conversations unfold.

Me: um, ok what do I want to know....
Me: Is my name Rachel
Roger: Rolls his eyes and laughs...yes your name is Rachel
Me: Ok, am I twelve
Roger: Obviously...no.
Me: Why isnt the pendulum moving?
Roger: can you not hear me?
Me: I can hear you...
Roger: Then why does it need to move?
Me: But I need proof that you are there...
Roger: um....can you hear me still?
Me: Yes
Roger: *Face Palm* Ok......
Roger: Ask something else..
Me: Ok...um.....um......ummmmmmmmm
Me: Ok...what is your favorite color?
Roger: Really? Purple and Brown
Me: the pendulum didnt move
Roger: no it did not.
Me: Ok...um..will I stay at Brookdale?
Roger: Until when?
Me: idk I guess, stay until I have something else...
Roger: Is that what you want?
Me:..um...yes...
Roger: then that is what it will be *chuckling*
Roger: Ask me something else....something that you want to know, but dont have the answer for..
Me: Will I get the job at Suncrest...
Roger: *Gives me the side eye and starts doing pushups...
Me: When will I meet someone?
Roger: *Sits back down* When you are ready..
Me: When is that?
Roger: Be ready now....
Me: It doesnt feel right....
Roger: That is where we will start...
Me: Ok..........Well there is that panic attack feeling that won't go away..

Photo Credit: Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

Together

As I got up from the kitchen table, Roger stood up as well. I felt nervous showing him the time travel train station in my basement. This is the kind of thing that freaks people out. I took a a deep breath and walked over to the door. Today the stairs were brightly lit. For the first time I spoke words while I walked down the stairs. "I painted the scenes on the walls to make it brighter in here" I said to Roger, who was behind me. "I love them" he said quietly, as he gazed up along the walls and the ceiling.

At the bottom of the stairs I heaved the big heavy door open, and stepped aside as I let Roger walk past me into the room. I let the door swing shut, as I stood there in silence.
 "There is no train right now." He said.
"Where do you want to go? Do we pick? Or does the train pick for us?"
 "It depends on if you have a purpose, or just want an adventure" I replied.
"Which shall we do today?" He asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know." I responded.
"A moment in the past has already been lived, and a moment in the future is one of many possibilities. Let us travel to another world." He said. "Let us meet your ancestors."
"Ok" I replied. We stepped up to the platform; we could feel the wind starting to blow gently. Then we could hear the rumble of time and space moving.The tunnel started to light up in blue. With a blast of air the tunnel was filled with bright blue light zooming past us.
Roger grabs my hand, "Come with me I will show you where to go."
We step into the blue zooming light train and immediately step off onto the other side. I look around but everything appears blurred. "Can you see ok?" Roger asked, seeming to know that I could not see.
"It is blurry, everything is really blurry." I said.
 "Keep my hand I will lead you." We start to walk and I can feel the ground crunching under my feet. I can see blurry objects moving around me, and I can feel a breeze on my neck. We stop walking. A blurry image stops in front of us.
"This is your Great Grandma Drake" Roger says to me. "I cant see her." I reply.
"Close your eyes." Roger said. "Take a deep breath. Can you hear her?" I shut my eyes and breath in.
"Hello Rachel." Says a crackly old voice. "Yes I heard that." Roger laughs........"you can respond to her. She can hear you and see you."
"Hi Grandma Drake. How are you?" I ask.
"I'm dead." She responds, and her and Roger start laughing. I join in the laughter as well.
"Well, its nice to meet you, I'm sorry I can't actually see you", I say after the chuckles have subsided. "Don't be scared of me, I'm here to help." I can hear the crackly voice say as her voice  starts getting quieter.
"Roger I can't even hear her very good" I say to him. he pulls me closer to him, I can feel him lean in next me. "Can you hear me ok? he asked. "Yes, now keep your eyes closed and you can hear her too." "I'm here to help" I can hear her clearly say. "Help with what " I ask.
 "Help with......" her words seem to drown out again."
"Thank you Grandma" Roger says. "OK for now" she replied. I open my eyes, everything is still blurry, though I can tell she is not in front on me anymore. I turn towards Roger. "Who else am I going to meet here today?"
"We will come back in a week," Roger says. "Come with me." We walk a little ways, then we step though what looks like a veil.
"Do you recognize this?" Roger Asks.  Everything is clear. We are standing at the edge of field with thousands of TVs on stands all playing something different. "Yes, this was from my dream, after the long amount of time walking through the dark woods. My soul showed me that this, would be after that. She said something about how these are all choices and outcomes." I look over at him, thankful I can see him clearly in this light.
"This is what we navigate this week. Together."

Photo credit:Photo by Antonio Grosz on Unsplash

One. Moment in Time

I paused for a moment. I realized in that moment I was not where I thought I should be. A moment ago I was sitting on my couch in my living room, scrolling aimlessly through Facebook, and with a long blink I am here.

I look down, I'm standing on a concrete slab, with green rolling hills falling away from the edges. I am wearing black boots, a long red dress with short sleeves. I take a step forward and hear a scraping sound on the concrete next to me. I turn and look down at my left hand and realize I'm holding a long sword. I am dragging the tip of it on the ground. I look around me...I don't see anyone..It is light outside, but overcast.

I take a deep breath...wtf is going on...where am I? How the f**k do I get home?

I see someone walking towards me in the distance. It appears to be a man. He is wearing all black, and dragging a sword behind him. As he gets closer I wonder if I am going to have to fight this dude. I have no idea how to sword fight...my heart starts to race as the impending doom sensation starts to roll over me. This is the beginning of the end.
I shut my eyes for a second...am I dreaming? did I fall asleep on the couch? It didn't feel like it, and this didn't feel like a dream either.

The man stops at the edge of the concrete...too far to fight, but close enough to see him and hear him.

"You wanted to see me".. He said
"I don't know what you're talking about." I reply.
"You don't recognize me?" he asked
I shook my head.... "No" I replied. "I don't."
"It's not time." He said.
"Time for what?" I asked
"Time for me to be there." He said, as he raised his sword and pointed at the sky.
I look up behind at what he is pointing at.....through the clouds I can see me sitting on the couch...still on my phone.
I look back at him...."Who are you? why are we holding swords?"
"This was our last lifetime together, do you remember? It was here on this hill that we summoned the universe and asked for the vision of our lives. What it would look like. We saw dark thunder clouds and images...remember? they were scary and dark...we held each other and cried...it was then that we decided we would live the next lives apart from each other. We did not want to darken the love we had. Do you remember?" He asked again.
"I remember the decision...I don't remember here...when do I meet you? Why did I come here?"
"I brought you here to remember."....he stepped closer to me.
"Your sister told you today, to remember the feeling...the feeling we shared ...lifetime after lifetime."

"But this is not my home" I said..."I have kids and an ex, and work...and I haven't felt this for seven or eight lifetimes...how do I feel this and all of that? Why is it not time?" I asked.
He looked down at his feet....he took another step forward..I could see the features on his face now...I could see the tears in his eyes...."I'm not ready yet" He replied softly.
"I don't think I am either" I said softly.
He stepped closer again..If I reached out I could touch him.
He stepped in again, we embraced. I could smell him, the tears stung my eyes as I held him tight.
He stepped back..."I need you to stay in the light, so I can find you"  He said.
"I don't even know what that means" I said...
"I don't either...but I keep asking the universe to bring you to me..and it keeps telling me *You will find her in the light, keep looking into the light, she will be there*."
"OK" ..I said. "I will remember" ..
"And I will find you, I promise." He said.
He looked behind him, into the distance. He looked back at me.."I have to go, I'm sorry.."
he turned and walked away, dragging his sword along the concrete until it ended.
He disappeared into the distance.
I looked up at the sky, I could still see me sitting on the couch...I could see the image on the phone..I focused on it and in a flash, I was on the couch focusing on my phone again.
I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to hold onto the feeling I had...for a second..I could feel it. The warmth of a thousand lifetimes.

The Mood

I get up from my chair in the kitchen and walk to the door leading down to the travel platform. I open the door and and take a deep breath in. I can smell the sweet smell of flowers and cut grass. I walk down the stairs to the heavy wooden door at the bottom of the stairs. I pull it open with a heave and step onto the cool platform. I haven't been here for  awhile. I look around and wonder why. I realize in that moment I haven't spoken to my soul in a long time. I close my eyes and try to clear my mind of my thoughts and fears. I want answers to questions I haven't thought of, I want to know, until the moment arrives and then I don't. I wistfully dream of a million different variations of my future, and don't know where to grasp onto.I want to know that life has more than what I am currently taking and creating. What do I want? and what does that look like? So many ways to reach the same....destination? Feeling? Apex? A collection of experiences? What am I dreaming? What am I reaching for? What is missing? Do I really want to travel with the kids everywhere? I want them to feel secure...and see the world...I want to not be tied to a corporation...Business? I want to work from home? Alone? everyday? So I can go crazy in my own head?

I could feel the wind blowing and leaves were floating trough the air around me... all of them have different images of the thoughts in my head. I look up and see more leaves falling and swirling around me. I stand there and let the thoughts fall around me. The leaves start to gather on the ground, with gusts of wind picking them back up again....I reach out my hand to see if I can catch any leaves...as if I want to control at least one of my thoughts. The leaves evade my grasp as they sway through the wind.

I start to think about everything I have now...the blessings, the feelings, the smiles, the laughter, the cuddles, the friendships, the family, the loneliness, the tiredness, the pressure, the regret, the fear, the searching, the wishing, the planning, the freedom, the constraint, the silence......

The leaves continue to fall with all of these recognizable images in them as they mix and mingle with the other leaves. I can feel the emotions of each thought as they fall to the ground. I lean over and pick up some of the leaves off the ground...some of them still have images, some have words carved in them. Expectations, fear, guilt. I pick up a few of the expectation leaves. I can't even see the images that were on them when they fell from my mind. I crumble the leaves as they turn to dust and fall to the ground. I bend over and pick up a few more leaves with words on them. Fear, guilt, regret. I cradle them in my hands before I crumble them into dust in my palms.

The leaves with happy current moments, and images of people, stayed close to my feet where they fell. I looked further around me...there were piles of leaves everywhere. I picked up a hand full of leaves and looked at the images that were on them. People I didn't recognize, places  I  haven't been. The futures emotions are not very different from the ones I feel now. The same words are carved in the future leaves, as they are in the current leaves.  I pick up another handful of leaves as the other pile drops from my hands and drifts to the floor. I look closely at the ones in my hands. I find one that has an image of me on it. I stare at the leaf for a few moments and let the leaf slip out of my hand and fall gracefully to the floor. I turn and walk away from everything and head back through the heavy door and up the stairs.