2018 in Retrospect

2018 was a great year.... I finally got a dog! I love him😍 I bought my first home that me and the boys moved into. I was also able to buy not one but Two rental properties this year!  I got promoted into an ED position which I love, and it continues to challenge me in my skills😂 I finally got in shape, so there that, and I am volunteering for two disaster relief organizations. I just came back from helping clean up after a huge earthquake. It was humbling and exhausting and fulfilling. I also learned how to time travel, which I should have opened with😂😅.  I got to regular travel with the boys alot this year. We went all over the place and we visited everyone we love. I am on the city council here, and that has been an adventure 😁. I have financing lined up for investments in 2019; including......my crime lab😱😍 which I wondered if it would ever happen...and now it's in the making. I learned how to play the piano😍 that has been amazing.... I am learning how to write music...my teacher is phenomenal! I am getting ready to sell my video game!...that will be completed in 2019. I finally got my camera this year too! I love it! I am still writing my graphic novels, and the sales continue to grow each month. Sometimes it is a struggle to come up with content, and I am always amazed and shocked when I'm done that I was able to pull something out of my ass😅. I have my Salmon ladder in place! I can go up a notch, but not back down😂😂 I will continue to work on that...lol

Alone

How do I say this? I just want to explain this moment of clarity I have. I remember being alone many times during my childhood. I realize now that the first times I was left alone were when my sister went to kindergarten (I was 2) and my mom was.....writing? Still working?.......Not home. I realize now that I correlated being alone with them being together. .....As I got older my sister (no longer in public school) chose to not want to be around me and my mom was.....writing?....Still working?.......Not home. We were home schooled so there's that. I continued to be alone a lot. As I entered puberty and my teenage years I might well have been an alien. My sister was coveted for her strengths and quirky traits. I was normal and left alone. I forged my own path separate and alone from my family. They didn't really notice. Then my sister had a meltdown ...wreaked havoc on my parents and left....leaving a huge mess for me to clean up. I worked diligently to fill the void my sister left behind...trying to build a bond that would not be broken if she returned one day. I grew close to my mom for the first time in my life. 15 years goes by and my sister decides to return into our lives. I feel the bond between them growing and mine shrinking. They are my biggest fans yet I feel suffocated by them. Them as a team. I feel the empty lonely ache return. I reach out to them trying to find proof that I wont be left alone again. Both of their words of wisdom are that I will indeed be alone. for many years. I have many issues, many obstacles to overcome. Many trials to face before I can feel the victorious feeling of having a loving partner. I believe them and feel the weight push me down further. I move to a new town and now my only sounding boards, my only friends, my only fans are the ones that make me feel like I cant breathe. No where to speak my me. Nowhere to post words that might accidentally be turned the wrong way. I realize now they are not the makers of happiness or loneliness. Nor are either of them allowed to judge what I need and don't need. Little do they know...I am not broken, I am not lost, I am not weak, I am not searching for happiness. I have strength, integrity, power, wisdom, honesty, faith, prosperity, happiness, and now I have reclaimed my power over loneliness. I can say that watching the relationship between them blossom has been somewhat painful. I am again lost in background noise. The part that I lost track of though is that the path they follow of traumas, inner turmoil, financial discord, hard lessons learned....is not my path. I have worked hard to have financial security and success. It is not better, just different. I wanted so badly to share my path with someone; that I latched back onto each of them in hopes of finding some strength and security, and like mindedness; that I forgot how different our paths have always been. I forgive my mom for any moments she left me alone and I hold no anger towards either of them for our paths differences. I will say this: being self sufficient, independent, and able to be alone, does not mean I need to be alone or that I deserve to be alone.

The Journey of our Souls

Many years ago they lived in the mist.
 They danced in light, and their souls shined their brightest when they were near to each other.
Never did either one stray far. The warmth of the light and their love surrounded them and anyone near to them. As they held each other tight, they knew the time was right. Their love was at it brightest. They had spent lifetimes together. In the mist of the heavens and on the land of this earth. Always together, only moments apart. As each lifetime passed they knew the time drew near. Time apart was the only way. Their souls had to learn some painful things. They chose to separate and learn while apart. Rather than risk damaging the love and the light that they shared. As the time drew near they held each other close. Confident that their souls would continue to shine bright enough; that after all was said and done, they would still find each other in the dark of night. They embarked on their journeys separate from each other for the first time in eons of lifetimes. As they both endured struggles and setbacks, they tumbled through lifetimes. Their souls still shined bright.  Many diminished souls drew close to share the light. After many lifetimes their souls bright light began to fade. They needed each other to stay that bright. Finally they arrived at this lifetime. They are both alright. They were sure that as they had done before, the searching would not be necessary. Their love and light would bring them together right from the start. Neither had realized the path
back to each other would be another struggle to overcome in this life. The other diminished souls; who remember them from before, still tried to latch on to gain some insight. Time has faded their memories, their souls were not as resilient as they had hoped. They continue to search for each other on this mother earth plane. So they can hold each close in the comfort of their light again. So their souls can heal again with renewed love and freedom. The knowledge they carry now will keep them together forever now. In the mists of the heavens and lands of this earth.

Im Sorry

For my whole life I was told I had Native American blood flowing through my veins. I was told this because someone close to me also believed that native blood flowed through her. I was proud to have the tribe name attached to me. I felt it helped make me who I was. My heart is heavy  that for so many years I misrepresented who I am. That I appropriated someone elses culture to be mine when indeed I had no rights to say that.

I am sorry. Im sorry for the pain this might have caused.

Thank You

So my sister says I should write a letter to my future partner.........lol I am doing this for her ...ahaha



Thank you for being you. Thank you for standing against racism with me. Thank you for understanding why I kneel for the anthem, and kneeling with me. Thank you for going on road trips with me and letting me sing with all the songs. Thank you for understanding what rape culture is and not participating in it. Thank you for going hiking with me, and going to the gym just so we can burn enough calories to go to a food festival. thank you for always finding humor in hard times. Thank you for loving and accepting my family even though they are not normal by society standards. Thank you for being my vault of my thoughts, fears, and dreams. Thank you for being a role model for my children. Thank you for showing them how to love a woman selflessly and respectfully. Thank you for showing me what love trully feels like. Thank you for being my best friend that I will always choose to be around above and beyond anything else. Thank you for giving me space to feel emotions and not marginalizing them. Thank you letting me love you with my whole soul. Thank you for wanting to learn how to rock climb with me..... and being willing to participate in everything that we can learn together. Thank you for staying true to you, and forcing me to stay me as we walk side by side through life. I might not ever meet you in this life time. But I love you anyway, wherever you are. I will still be true in the next life too. I would rather be alone than with someone other than you.

Love, Me

Dancing in the Light

We danced in the light, two souls holding each other tight
We swayed and swirled, dancing to the beat of our hearts
It happened in a flash, darkness fell with a crash

I cant remember your face, or your favorite movie or music taste
It feels like so long ago, that we were standing toe to toe
Dancing in the light

I close my eyes and try to see, you standing right in front of me
Your in my heart and soul, I wonder if you can tell
Can you feel me too
Do you remember us dancing, dancing in the light

It feels like it was 5 lifetimes ago, that we had to let each other go
Will you remember me, its been so long though
I dont think you will recognize me
I hope your soul tells you it me

Maybe if we dance again, feel the light of love again
dream as if our lives will never end,
Hold each other tight until the end.
Maybe not today, tomorrow, or until years end
I hope we meet again

Dancing in the light, our souls holding each other tight
For now I only dream at night, that you will come back to me in this life

A Moment in the Night

Summertime, in the night time, its the right time, with the moon shine
the wind is carressing my skin, only a thin, veil between me and him
The light from the stars in the night sky, in the dusk of night the dragonflys
it just seems like time, slows a little in my mind.

The warmth on my skin is euphoric, the breeze in the dark of night
I feel the calm of day rolling into the night, with the fade  from the light of day

I close my eyes and bask in the night,
I close my eyes and feel the breeze still clinging to the day
I sit down and want to stay wrapped in the arms of change to night from day

The sun starts to fade, this is the moment that dreams are made
The stress of the day melts away, whisked away into the darkness thats left of the day
For a moment time stands still, everything around me is paused until
The wind in the trees starts to whisper and breathe.
In a moment of quiet, a second of reprieve

Somewhere in the sky the moon takes over and owns the night
where was I, for a breath and a blink of an eye
The breeze of nightfall on me, for a moment he is next to me
The man in my dreams, when I close my eyes

I close my eyes again, reach my hand out and feel the veil between me and him
the darkness of night closes in, tonights dreams are ready to begin
The moon and the stars looking down, taking it all in
In the end I dream and begin again

A song awaiting its music

I was dreaming
in a moment I was here
startled and scared
I never thought I would see you again
I was starting to think I wasnt going to recognize your face
I thought I had lost my way
I thought I would never feel your embrace

Now that we are here, our souls are shining brighter
dancing under the moon, we hold each other tighter
as I stand here with you now, Im stronger than I ever knew how
we have waited for this moment, for what seems like foreever now
my soul is free to love you now

In the darkness of the night, sleep escaping me
I see you in my mind, reaching out towards me
your calling out my name, and in the night it starts to rain
I dream of you, and our hearts dancing, to a rythym all our own

Dont forget me, my mind keeps telling me so
Im right here standing, reaching out to you
my dreams are coming true

The value of me

The struggle is real. How do I sit here and watch my boys suffer because I want happiness? I am struggling to believe that I have value. To be told that that I am worthless because I don't complete enough tasks. I don't do enough things to make the other person feel like they don't have to do anything.

The struggle is real.

 When two people hold different beliefs their worlds will never fit together. One person believes that to have someone show them love is for that person to do everything (clean, cook, plan, organize, etc) for them. While the other person believes that to have someone show them love is for that person to share burdens and tasks, explore ideas, have conversations, build each other up.

It amazes me that even though I am aware of the manipulation, I cant seem to keep myself from getting entangled in it unless I am separate from it. I know the words that are spoken are not true, yet my heart hurts and  I question my own measurement of value in the face of adversity. I can only hope that as I reach for the sky and pull myself out of this hole, I can learn enough to not put myself back in the hole again.

I know I have value. My value is not measured in the tasks I complete. I know this. My value is, or should be measured by my ability to love, my compassion for others, my integrity, my perseverance. I might not be a great housekeeper. In fact; I know this. I do my best. I measure my best against my previous best. I always try to improve the person I am today.

Not lately. Not for the last year. I lost my strength. The struggle against the mental warfare is real. I have allowed myself to be mentally reduced to nothing. Why? I don't know. The imagined greater good. The happiness of others. At some point my children's "happiness" was measured as more important. That is ultimately not what I want them to learn. I don't want them to think that someone else's happiness measures higher than their own. We measure our happiness against our previous happiness. (or at least we should). They have not benefited from the last year of their "happiness".

I will heal. I will become the woman I imagine in my head. I will not allow anyone else to devalue me. I am tired of fighting against the mind games. I need to regain my strength. I don't know how. I am mentally exhausted. I will find my way, find my strength. I will not allow the coldness I feel in my heart to overrun me.