Lunch with Mom

 I sit down on my couch ready to talk to Roger.

"Ok, Roger what am I supposed to do? I am so tired and my feet hurt really bad today." 

"Oh My friend Racqele. Here is the plan tomorrow. Take vitamins in the morning, drink water. and when you get home, chart, put lights in. On Saturday work on CAC website." 

NEXT NIGHT

"Hiiiiii Roger. I did not work on CAC website today. Ugh, no vitamins, no water. I did chart today......God I feel so fucking useless."

"Racqele please focus and listen. Are you listening?"

"Ok, yes, I am listening." I say sullenly.

"Racqele, today we talk to your mom. It is the anniversary of her death you know."

"Yes I know." I said quietly.

"Racqele, you have deep sadness seeping through you. Much loss that has not been felt. Please know that starting tomorrow you will have a new energy. Your mom will be here. She is taking a seat at the table. She will be guiding you with energy to get you to your goals past the screens. Please remember that you are allowed to ignore the energy. But if you choose to respond to it, you will feel the guidance and energy. Let us go speak with her my friend."

"OK, lets go" I reply.

We both get up and walk down the stairs through the heavy door. The blue light train is already flying through the station. We walk right up and hop on the train. I have never ridden the train with Roger before. 

"This is where we go my friend." He says.

We step off to the left. I am expecting to see the grassy area where I met with Grandma Bertha. But no. We are standing in front of the coffee place that used to be called Avalon in Mt Shasta. I see my mom sitting at the bench writing in her notebook. 

I look up at Roger. "Is this right?" I ask. 

"I thought my mom could not take the form of her old self?"

"She is manipulating energy. You have met her in the light so you now recognize her energy. you add the rest and she is able to adapt to your memory. Let us go talk to her, shall we?"

"Ok," I respond.

We walk through the wooden gate and walk up to the bench. 

"Hi Mom, we are here" I say. 

"Hi, There she is, you made it. have a seat! Its good to see you!" My mom said enthusiastically.  

I try to think back and remember if my mom would say my name when she saw me and greeted me.  I don't think she did. 

Roger and I sit down opposite my mom at the picnic bench. My mom's shirt keeps changing and the cigarette she is smoking keeps appearing and disappearing. 

"Racqele  you need to pick a shirt for your mom."

"OK black and white checkers is it." I reply.

"Smoking or no?" Roger asks quietly.

"Mmmm, yes. It gives her hands something to do."

I look across the table and see my mom sitting right in front of me. smiling and smoking. She has her lists and a notebook. Ready to collaborate with me. Our favorite past time. 

"So I brought your chart and the geometry cards today so we can look at those. I'm writing a list of everything I want to get done this week. Mostly writing my book. Though you will most likely finish it after I am gone. It is too much for me to do in one lifetime." Mom says.

"Don't talk like that mom, you will finish your book, I will help." I respond. Forgetting she has already passed away and her book is not done.

"What do you have planned for this week?" She asks.

"I need to start a ton of good habits this week. Start exercising, eating healthy, showering daily."

You didn't used to have a problem with that last one. what happened?" 

"I don't know, I just struggle with it now." I say dejectedly.

"Don't let my energy from here grab onto you. It wasn't supposed to. Did you pick it up after I put it down?" 

"Um where did you put it down?" I ask.

"I buried them in the woods." Mom says. 

"I did unbury a box with a bunch of stuff in it. they were pretty heavy." 

"We are going to need to review those and find homes for them. They are just clutter." 

"Ok we can do that." I reply.

"Do you have them with you today? Mom asks.

"No I left them somewhere maybe in the house. I will need to look for them. I can bring them next time though." 

My mom opened the notebook in front of her and took a drag of her cigarette. 

"Well I reviewed your chart, and as you move out of Aries and into Taurus your energy will match that strength. It is a great time to start your new habits. The first few weeks will be challenging, and feel somewhat exhausting. Your Leo moon will solidify it. Its important to hold out until then." She explains.

"OK well that is promising."  

She continues "There is a planet transiting that says write, write write. A little everyday." 

"About what?" I ask.

"It doesn't really matter. It will all come together later." She says. 

"OK. Shower, eat healthy, write, and exercise every day from here until forever. Got it." I say somewhat sarcastically.

"Yes" she says as she chuckles.

My mom starts to flicker in and out like the reception is on the fritz. I turn to Roger. "What is happening here? Why is she flickering?" I ask.

"The focus takes energy. It fades a little after a bit. This is good. You can come here anytime to talk to mom." Roger explains. 

"Ok, I will start first thing tomorrow."

Second attempt to find mom

 Today is the day to try talking to my mom again. I take a deep breath and try to imagine what it would be like if she was alive right now. What advice would she be able to give? What would she not know? What could she know if she wasn't walking on this earth anymore? 

Before my mom passed and after she has been diagnosed with terminal cancer with very little time to live, we were driving in the car and my mom turned to me and asked me: "Is there anything I can do for you after I die? I am not leaving you with very much." I thought for a moment and half jokingly I said, "Well can you let me know some winning lotto numbers? I don't really care if you give me the numbers or fix the lotto balls to match what I picked." She laughed and said "you got it, I can do that"

It is one of the only strong memories that I have of her during that time frame. There was a lot of stress and life happening and I feel like everything else just blurred together.

Since that time, I have not had mom show up easily and identifiably yet. My sister who talks to dead people has said that she cant identify mom and feels she is really far out in the ether's and cannot connect with her very well. This made me lose hope for a long time that I would ever feel my mom close to me after death. She was the only person I was ok with haunting me. I reached out to a friend that also talks to spirits and asked if my mom was indeed too far away to reach. My friend said she could feel my mom right away, it was just that she didn't maintain the physical form after death. So for people like me who look for the identifiable markers of recognizable traits to help identify who I am talking to there isn't much to go on.

I attempted to find her with the help of my great grandma Bertha. While I was able to feel her for a moment it was very brief and not very tangible. Not that I need to win the lottery, I don't even buy lotto tickets. I just want this or some simile of it to help heal me and the energy that mom left behind. 

I am asking Grandma Bertha to lead me to her again. today and see if I can get more help, comfort or anything that feels like it.

I get up off the couch and walk down the stairs in the kitchen. I open the heavy door at the bottom of the stairs  and step onto the train platform. The leaves are starting to show on the trees and there are still flower petals everywhere. The air is warm and there is natural light shining on the platform. I walk forward to the edge of the platform and stand there waiting for the train to arrive. I feel the rumble under my feet and whoosh! the train blows through the station. I reach out and step onto the train. I float along in the train for a moment until I step off the other side of the train. Grandma Bertha is waiting for me on the grass. 

"Hello my dear, it is good to see you." She continues to talk as we walk to the cabin. "How are you doing? It has been a week since we spoke. We had talked about checking in more regularly, my dear. It will help your focus." 

We get to the porch and I see Roger is sitting in a rocking chair. There are still two more chairs there. 

"Roger!" I exclaim. "I normally do not see you. What are you doing here?"

"Racquele I am here to see you and check in as well. You have not spoken to us all week. You had your Uncle die this week. we have felt the compartment being created."

I take a deep breath. "Yes he did."

"What day?" asked Roger. 

I thought for a moment as guilt started to rise up. "I think it was Wed night. April 20th"

"Did you provide yourself a safe place to sit and mourn?"

"No, I did not really do anything." 

"We will find time to sit in silence and be alone." Roger says. "Next weekend please plan a morning away from home. Today we are both going to walk with you to see if we can find your mom." 

We all stand up and walk down the steps of the cabin. We walk around the building, and start walking towards the apple orchard.

We step into the orchard and all of the blossoms light up. 

"She is here" says Grandma Bertha. 

We continue to walk deeper into the orchard. I look around at all the trees towering over me. All of the trees all lined up perfectly. 

I felt Roger grip my arm. 

"Here we stop" he says. 

I see a ball of white light start forming in front of me. Out of the white light a fight steps out. It is so bright I can barely see. "Hi Rachel"

I hear my moms voice and the figure in front of me waves. I can only see the dark hair, but cant see a face or a body. 

"Mom is that really you?"  I ask. It actually sounds like you."

"Well I am trying to find a way for you to recognize me until you get better at this. So I picked the voice. she starts to sing the "Casons Go Rolling Along" song. 

I laugh. "You always sang that song." 

"Yes, its hard because I let all of the ties go. except the ties to the people I loved while on earth. Hopefully I can hold onto the this sound for a while." 

As I listen to my mom talk I can hear the voice change in and out of sounding like mom.

"You have a question? that is why you are here. Right?"

"Well yes, and because I miss you, and do not feel connected to you at all." 

"You are getting closer to that. It takes time." The voice says.

"Ask her the questions my dear," I hear Grandma Bertha say with a little nudge of her elbow to my side.

"Ok, here are my questions if you can answer them great if not its ok. Are you able to help me win the lotto?"

"Are you buying the tickets yet?" The voice of mom asks.

"Not recently, but I will this week. Do I need to come here and get numbers? Will you just guide the balls to the numbers? Will this even work?"

"I will do what I can. I cannot manipulate the physical earth, so I will try to guide you to pick the correct numbers."

"I felt tiredness sweeping over my body. I look over at Roger. Should I lay down?" I ask.

"For a few moments sure," Roger says. "We will wait here until you awake."

(20 real minutes later after a short nap)

"Hi, I'm here now. I feel better. Thank you  everyone for waiting for me." 

I look around and see that Grandma Bertha, Roger and the bright light, with a figure in front of it, are all still standing right where they were when I left them.

"Mom, please help in any way you can. I need help navigating this financial area. I need to be able to lift us out of this financial cycle of barely making it. I need help. I need help moving past this depression. What do I do?" 

"Help me define the financial area Rachel. I'm sorry I'm struggling to keep my voice matching with my earth self."

"Ok, I want large amounts of money coming in monthly with little work/energy needed. I want to be able to work from anywhere so I can travel as I see fit. Help Michelle, help Ginnie, Help DeDe."

"Hmmm ok, I will review and let you know what I come up with."

"Are you taking vitamins? supplements?" The voice asks.

"No." I answer.

"Rachel you are not going to be your dad. It will help you take a step forward. It will not fix it." 

"How do I fix it?"

"Through a series of steps. Including coming here to talk things out with all of us." 

"Ok, How long will it take?" 

"If you start now by the end of summer you will feel like a whole different person."

"Ok can we go back to the whole financials Mom? You and dad left us with so little, we are struggling. Michelle is struggling. We don't want to be like you and dad were during the last 30 years of your life. How do we break this cycle? What do we do different? Can you help? Can dad help us?

What should I do?" 

"Well Rachel, you have a plan laid out. Do you not feel it will work? Is it too much?" 

"I don't know mom. I just need to spend my energy on something that will work. If that isn't it then I don't want to do it." 

"Its not really that though is it?" The voice asks. 

"I guess I have not been feeling motivated to work on them." 

"Well you have a lot going on, and you have not been feeling well mentally. I think we should not panic about the websites not working. We need to take time to get through a few other things at the same time. New job, mental health, lifestyle changes, and house remodel. We are doing  a little of each one. None of them are going to show great results instantly. let me sit with it for a little longer."

"I have run out of time tonight mom. I gotta go. I love you." 

I motion for Roger and Grandma Bertha to start walking back. I can see the ball of light fade to nothing. we walk all the way to the train and I come home. Climb the stairs and back to the couch.

Finding Mom

 I take a deep breath as I prepare for my journey with Grandma Bertha. She is confident that she can lead me to my mom so I can talk to her.

I walk down the stairs and open the heavy door at the bottom. The train platform is calm and warm with the sweet smell of honeysuckle. I take a deep breath in smelling the sweetness. I then step up to the edge of the platform and the white and blue light whooshes by at the same time I feel the rumble of its arrival. I step into the train and pause for a moment. I stick my hand out on the other side and before I feel grandma Bertha's hand I step off. She is standing there, arm outstretched. 

She chuckles, "so you are getting better at this my dear." 

She turns and starts walking towards the cabin before I have a chance to respond. I follow her to the porch and we both take our places in the rocking chairs. I am not really sure what to say so I just move my foot up and down and rock in the chair.

 Grandma Bertha chuckles again. "Do you not speak today my dear?" 

"Oh, I am sorry." I reply. "I am a little nervous today." 

"There is no need. are you ready to go look for your mom?"

"Yes," I say with a sigh. "What am I looking for exactly?"

"Well let us get up and explore and I will see if I can explain well enough. It might not be today, but we will look."

"Is my mom lost is that why we have to look for her?" I ask.

"No your mom just does not look like me and you. and you have not connected to people in energy or angel form. I do not know if you will be able to see her. but we shall try. Let us go."

 We get up off the porch and walk to the left. 

"We shall go straight back from the cabin and walk through the field and into the apple orchard." Says Grandma Bertha.

As we step away from the cabin for the first time I see the rows of flowering apple trees with rows and rows of trees.

"Please focus on each step for now. and the grass brushing against your legs and the feel of the sun on your forehead and face. The feel of the slight breeze pulling your hair away from your neck." Grandma says as we walk.

We stop at the entrance to the orchard. The flowers glow with white light barely discernible with the sun shining,

"Are those my mom?" I ask. 

"No, that is the energy in the flowers. It is good that you can see that." Grandma says.

I look at the tree trunks the have orange and red and white light flowing up the trunks now.

"What is that?" I ask.

"Their life force." Grandma replies matter-of-factly.

We step further into the orchard. I can feel the shade of the trees and the slightly cooler temperature of the orchard. There is still grass on the ground but not as high. A dog goes running through the field in front of us. 

"Is that my mom?" I ask, feeling like that book for little kids.

Grandma Bertha laughs and says no.

As we approach what feels like the middle of the field, there is a white ball of light. We both stop in front of it.

"This is her?" I ask.

"Yes this is your mom." Grandma says quietly. 

"Well she is fairly easy to see. She is showing up extra bright for you." Grandma says with a smile.

"I miss her." I say with my throat catching as I say it. I hear what feels like a faint voice in my head say "I love you."

But it honestly feels like it is my own thoughts.

"Mom, can you talk to me?" I ask. 

"Not in the way you are used to." I hear, faintly. like a whisper through the trees. 

"Can you show me how?" I ask.

"Not at this time, but you can come here to the apple orchard. You seem to hear me now."

Poof the white ball of light is gone.

I turn to Grandma Bertha and ask, "where did she go?"

"She is back to being an angel you will get better at this my dear. remember those things you dug up so long ago with your sister? They are still important and we will explore them. You have much careful planning to do, with follow up of action steps."

"Ugh, Grandma it is so hard not to just let myself be distracted by social media." I say dejectedly. 

"You must find a way to nurture the part that wants to be distracted."

"What part is that? I don't even know. I just feel frozen." I explain.

"You are feeling neglected. the most difficult part is that you are doing it to yourself.  you cannot shift everything over night. It is step by step. Your steps these last 4 days have done well. It is very important to take steps every day, but not all of the steps in one day. Please take some time tonight to complete your new work tasks and plan out the rest of this week. With measurable steps. Roger and I are here to help as you allow us to. Let us get you back home, my dear." 

Finding Grandma Bertha

 Time to talk to Grandma Bertha.

Deep breath. Currently sitting on the couch with my feet up typing this out on my computer. Becoming aware of my heartburn. 

Heart starts to beat a little faster. Maybe I should bring Roger with me. Feeling a little dizzy now. It is time. Kids dad just got back with groceries. 

(gets distracted for a little bit.)

Back to writing, attempting to focus, kids talking.

Focus, deep breath. just kidding I cant breathe with this smell in here.

(More time goes by) 

Ok, i'm gonna try again.

(A little while later)

The smell is dissipating a little. Now I will retry this. Ugh...it is hard when people are around to concentrate.

Deep breath.

(SEVERAL HOURS LATER!)

Finally hours later silence in the house, generic background noise playing on the tv. 

Sigh. It should not be this hard to focus. I get up from the couch open the door to the train station. walk down the stairs. 

(Distracted again for another 15 minutes)

 Continue to walk down the stairs and pull open the door slowly. I step onto the platform and let the door swing shut behind me. I stand there for a long time, paused in space and time. 

(Another interruption)

Anyway, back to the train platform. Deep breath. The Spring flowers are still dropping petals, and the warm breeze still pulls the air around me. I step up to the platform waiting for the blue time travel train to arrive. I can feel the rumble under my feet before I can feel the breeze pick up. With a loud whoosh the blue and white train is rushing through the station. 

I think out loud to myself, "ok, Grandma Bertha you wanted me to come visit you , here I come."

 I close my eyes and reach my hand out in front of me. As soon as the tips of my fingers touch the blue I am pulled into the train and am now floating in the train. I wonder where I am supposed to get off the train. I close my eyes and reach out my hand to the left of me. I feel a hand grasp mine and I immediately stop. I open my eyes. I am standing on a dirt path with open Fields all around me. Grandma Bertha is standing in front of me smiling. There is a wooden cabin a ways behind her. 

"Rachel you are here. You arrived sooner than I thought you would. I figured it would take you a few days."

"Yes I am here. I should have been here yesterday." I say with a chuckle.

Grandma Bertha turns away and starts walking towards the cabin. There are two rocking chairs on the porch. We walk up the stairs and we both take a seat in the rockers.

"Why am I here, Grandma?" I ask.

"I need to be sure you are listening my dear." 

"Listening to what?" I ask.

"Listening to your mother, me, Roger, and Heartsong." 

"Ok, what am I supposed to be hearing?" 

"Let us take a moment to reflect, shall we?" says Grandma Bertha.

"Sure." I reply.

"42 years, 6 cycles. To be completed in October. Circles within other circles. 7 years of writing, which you saw and noted. what other cycles can you think of my dear?"

"Umm,  6 years since  I moved, 3 years since mom died. She would be 80 this year. Um I don't know,  I can't think of others. Why?"  I ask.

"Well my dear it is important to know the past circles to better see the future circles. You have many goals, and some require bigger circles than others. They cannot all follow the same timelines. It is important to see where the lines cross. you also have many gardens to tend, my dear. Things do not grow without time and energy."

"Ok, Grandma, I hear you, but which things are circles and what things are gardening?"

"The earth and the stars are able to be seen and felt at the same time by everyone." Grandma Bertha says. 

"Ugh ok, I know that I have not been active enough in *doing stuff* around the house, with the kids. Is this what you are talking about?"

Grandma Bertha sighs. "My dear I am not angry with you. Please know we are here to help you."

"How can you help?"" I ask.

"Ahh, that is why we are here my dear.

Every morning you can come here and chat with me. we can figure out what needs to be done, And I will offer ways I can help. It will be you who decides if it is helpful or not. Check in with Roger at night if that helps. He will also offer suggestions and ways he can help. In your mind you can see it, now you must physically create it. all of it. it will heal your soul. your soul does not heal first. It is in the action that you find peace. Not before or after. But you must see and understand the circles, and tend the garden."

"It feels like a lot Grandma. I need to learn more and more and earn more and more, It is never enough." I say dejectedly.

"It is you that deserves more my dear. and while it often feels empty to be the one providing your own needs it is important to know that you already know your worth. and you know you can, and will do more. Your soul deserves to feel the love of being seen and heard."

"Remember the healing is in all of the action. not just the thoughts. I will leave you to enjoy the view and rest for a little. Please come see me tomorrow."

I watch Grandma Bertha get up and walk off the porch and disappear into the sunlight. I close my eyes and feel the warm sun and breeze blow over me. It is so quiet out here. 

I get it. The part of me that refuses to move, refuses to create action is afraid. I don't know what of at this point. Maybe change. I sit back into the rocker and gently rock back and forth. Happy to not be sitting in fear at the moment. Is change that scary? Is my fear of failure that strong? my lack of trust to be able to re-create the small success I have created? I feel like it took me 40 years to get here at this moment, and I don't have another 40 years to re-create exactly this. The weight of failing to create security for my kids leaves me with sheer panic. Anything to not jeopardize the current security they have right now. The feeling of being selfish for wanting more, for thinking beyond the kiddos. This feeling leaves me frozen unable to do anything. even the things I need to keep my physical and mental health good. Thinking out loud I say to myself, "I will try to draw out the circles and see what comes up." 

NEXT DAY

Let me go find grandma Bertha and talk to her.

I swing the door open and trot down the stairs. Fling the heavy door open and step onto the train platform. The train arrives quickly. I confidently stick my hand out in front of me, and step into the train. I take a deep breath and hold my hand out to my side. Still unsure where I am supposed to find Grandma Bertha. I feel her hand and I am pulled from the train. We are back at her wooden cabin. Sunny quiet, peaceful. 

"Hi Grandma, I did what you asked. I made some circle diagrams. can we talk about them?"

Grandma Bertha laughs, "of course! Let us go sit down first." We walk up the porch and I sit in the same rocker as yesterday. 

"Tell me more about your drawings my dear."

"Ok will I drew out the time lines that I could think of. and I found patterns in the 5s and 7s."

"Were you able to extend any into the future? Not really only the LVN one that looks like it will be 2 cycles instead of 1."

"Tell me dear, if you could know anything from the future, what would it be?"

"Ummm, lotto numbers?"

"What else my dear?"

"Will I feel happy?, Will I fall in love? will I ever do investigative work?, Will I have the financial success I dream of? Will I lose weight? Will I finish my house? Will I move to Italy, or somewhere else?"

Grandma Bertha sat silent for awhile as thoughts and judgments whirled around in my head.

She turned to me and finally said: "Yes my dear IF those are your true desires. Let us work through them. 

1st: Feel happy..of course. your soul is starting to lighten the load and the actions are going to light it more. 

2nd: yes when you are ready, when he is ready. When? I do not know at this time. We can chat about this particular one in a separate time. 

3rd: There is nothing stopping you but energy, distraction, and action. two of those will create the third.

4th: we shall see. The actions are important. CAN you? Yes. The dreams of what that looks like should be harnessed, noted and then realized.

5th: Yes, again the actions are there. We will get there. I see you heard all of my and Rogers promptings this morning.

6th: of course. This takes time and....action my dear. And money of course. Focus on the steps, you are doing great.

7th: You will live in all the places that you dream of. Even if only for 6 months. 1 year. regardless of financial "success". No fretting. You will have this.

How can I help you today? On this day my dear?"

"Can you ask my mom how she is? I cant see her or hear her. I miss her deeply, and want to feel like she is close when I know she isn't." 

"Your mother is well. She is healing from the life and cross over. She is wanting to connect, but is still very quiet. She also understands the duality of you and your sister. You want to connect and not have it seen or heard by your sister. Her intuition is strong and she connects beyond a level of most. We will need to revisit this later my dear. Please spend a little time with Roger today to help with the weekend."

I look over and Grandma Bertha is already disappeared from the rocking chair. I stand up and am instantly sitting in my living room again.

After talking to Grandma, I realized that I have felt abandoned yet again by mom even in death. I had thought I would feel her close to me, and if anyone was going to appear it would be her. I am angry that I haven't felt her.