I decided to go on the crazier side of things and bought land with a panel house to be built on it. It is all the way out in placerville and it is not complete yet. There are some days that I wonder if this was the correct path. It has been a longer process than my other options would have been.
I climb off the couch and step down the stairs. I open the door and stand in front of the Blue light train. I close my eyes and think about seeing future me and asking about the decision we made. I stick my hand out and close my eyes. I take a deep breath and step in to the light. I open my eyes. It is mid June out in Placerville. I am standing in front of a house that looks complete on the out side. I walk up to the house and open the door. I look around there are appliances in place in the kitchen, but the floor is still wood, with tarp over it. the furniture from out apartment is in the house, but it still has bare walls. I step into the bed room Future me is laying flooring in the bathroom.
"Hi" I say.
She pauses and sits back and takes a deep breath. but she doesn't turn around.
I ask "What do you think of our choice?"
"I never would have done this if I had got a house that was move in ready. I am learning so much that I would not have otherwise. I am going to be ready for buying rental properties when I am done with this because I will know how to put new stuff in. Even if I screw this one up."
"Are the kids happy?"
"They love that they get to be a part of creating our home. The drive is a little much, but we make it work."
"How about the money?" I ask.
"The total amount was ok..we are doing good."
Ok so we are happy?"
"Yes this is great!"
"How did we get the loan approvals for this?
"I really don't know. I just kept trying different things until one of them worked."
"Any advice for what I should be doing all the way back in Feb?
"Still buy the ticket to EOL, still put a deposit for the trip to Hawaii. You will be disappointed that you didn't and when you realize you still have the money it will be too late."
"Ok thank you!
"Your welcome" She responds.
I turned around and went into the kids bedrooms and then the Master bedroom, the kids were asleep in the bed. I turned around and went back outside and walked to the edge of the grass. I stepped into the thin veil and back onto the platform. Up the stairs and back to my living room.
Showing posts with label #lifechanges #Iwilldoitmyself #dreambig. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #lifechanges #Iwilldoitmyself #dreambig. Show all posts
Monday, February 26, 2018
Conversation with Future me part 2
I have decided to buy a mobile home instead of a house. This decision has weighed heavily on me because there are some things that having a house allows that just simply are not there with a mobile home. I wanted a dog and a yard for the kids to play. Those are just not going to happen at this time. But I still want to make sure that this was the right choice. I am going to visit my future self to see if we are happy with decision in the future.
I step off the couch and walk down the stairs, through the double doors. I pause at the Time Travel Train. I need to think about what I want and where I want tot go . I want to ask my future self whether we are happy with our decision to buy a mobile instead of a house. I close my eyes and think about how far in the future I want to ask. I choose June; mid June. I put my hand out and stick it into the blue light. I leave it there for a moment, thinking about my future self. I open my eyes and step into the blue light. I step out onto concrete. There is a pool there and it is hot outside. I turn, I am sitting at a table by the pool. I walk up to me.
I ask "Are we happy with buying a mobile instead of a house?"
Future me is reading a book and sets it down for a moment. I never actually look up at me.
"At least we have a pool." Future me says.
"Do we like the place?"
"Its nice"
"Are we saving money?"
"Not as much as we wanted to."
"Are the kids happy?" I ask
"Yes..though they don't know what its like to have a house and a yard. I feel like I stole that opportunity from them."
"How is the commute?"
"Its easy."
"Do you regret buying mobile instead of a house?"
"No, its just hard trying to convince the kids why this is better."
"Ok thank you" I reply.
"Your welcome." Future me picks up he book again and goes back to reading. I walked to the edge of the concrete and stepped through the thin veil into the blue light and back onto the platform, through the door, up the stairs and back to the couch.
I step off the couch and walk down the stairs, through the double doors. I pause at the Time Travel Train. I need to think about what I want and where I want tot go . I want to ask my future self whether we are happy with our decision to buy a mobile instead of a house. I close my eyes and think about how far in the future I want to ask. I choose June; mid June. I put my hand out and stick it into the blue light. I leave it there for a moment, thinking about my future self. I open my eyes and step into the blue light. I step out onto concrete. There is a pool there and it is hot outside. I turn, I am sitting at a table by the pool. I walk up to me.
I ask "Are we happy with buying a mobile instead of a house?"
Future me is reading a book and sets it down for a moment. I never actually look up at me.
"At least we have a pool." Future me says.
"Do we like the place?"
"Its nice"
"Are we saving money?"
"Not as much as we wanted to."
"Are the kids happy?" I ask
"Yes..though they don't know what its like to have a house and a yard. I feel like I stole that opportunity from them."
"How is the commute?"
"Its easy."
"Do you regret buying mobile instead of a house?"
"No, its just hard trying to convince the kids why this is better."
"Ok thank you" I reply.
"Your welcome." Future me picks up he book again and goes back to reading. I walked to the edge of the concrete and stepped through the thin veil into the blue light and back onto the platform, through the door, up the stairs and back to the couch.
Friday, February 23, 2018
Conversations with my soul. Part 4
I need to talk to my soul again. I need more guidance. I have questions. I need clarification. I fear making a wrong turn. There is no way for me to know the alternate path. I can only imagine what the different outcomes would be. This path is the only one I can see.
I climb off my couch. I step up onto the platform behind me. I walk up until I can see the vegetation I can see the narrow path. I start walking up the path. It is warm and sunny today. Normally it is cold and gloomy. I weave my way through the bushes that hang over the path. It is steep and I have to lean forward to keep my balance. I push dead branches out of the way as I make my way to the top of the path. I see the opening in the path as it opens up to a clearing at the edge of the lake . There is fine ground rocks and some old pieces of wood that have been pushed to the shore. The wood not the sand. The gravelly sand is there in a small clearing. The other part of the lake has grass all the way to the edge of the water. I look across the lake.
"Hello!" I call out. "Are you here?"
I look to the far edge of the lake where my soul took me last time. The land curves away to where I can no longer see the path. I focused my sights there and waited.
"I'm here!" I hear a voice call out.
I wait. She rounds the corner of the path across the lake. I look down at the waters edge. I imagine a boat there and slowly I see the air swirl around as a boat appears to be being built from dust in the air. When it is complete I step into the boat. I focus my sights on the opposite edge of the lake. The boat seems to just know that is where I want to go. It pushes through the water to other edge. I climb out of the boat. I remember that last time I had my mind interfere with what I was trying to hear and see. I focus on my surroundings. And I try to stay focused on my questions.
My soul runs up to me. "What are you doing here today? I wasn't expecting you today."
"I know I wasn't planning on visiting so soon. I need more answers."
She looks at me .. "OK what do you need?"
"My questions are: What am I training for? What do I need to focus on? When should I start? What kind of training am I doing? Physical, Mental, emotional, educational, vocational? There are too many options I need help to focus. What happens if I train in the wrong area?"
She laughs out loud. Inwardly, I have a little awkward feeling. I have much anxiety about these things. She looks at me. "You know you're me right?
" ...Well yes..technically." I reply
"Not technical...you are me. You choose to hide under your veil."
"Why do you not choose to hide?" I ask
"Because I chose freedom." She said.
"But you are me; did we not both choose freedom?" I asked; feeling perplexed.
"You chose earth. I chose a different...earth place. We chose."
"Is earth harder to take off the veil? " I ask
"...no it is harder for you than for me. Hmmm let me think of your questions for a moment. Don't add your thoughts to mine ... let me contemplate." She pauses and steps back. I am back in my living room for a moment chatting with my kids. I hear her start to talk so I jump back to the lake..
"Just as you answered yourself; you need to train physically. It will hep with mental focus. You need to train and practice living on earth. You cannot hide until its over. Write more think less."
"What is my goal?"....
"There is not a goal.. there is a pattern of evolving. There is people to connect to and paths to clear for others. Doors to open and soulful practice of healthy beliefs. To concrete the healthy patterns, so as to not need to repeat learning them again. You can set goals for yourself to help you, but not as an end result. You need to understand the patterns of growth are not set. Focus on reaching for a feeling and keeping it here. Write your new belief. and practice it. There are events that are going to occur and you will do best with training." She stops for a moment. "Your thoughts are merging with mine. give me a moment."
I pause and I lean down a dip my fingers in the water. It is cold and clear. There is grass growing on the edge of the lake. I can see small fish darting around in the grass in the water. I look up at my soul... she is prancing around in circles and humming a tune. I look down and feel the water on my fingers. so cold and refreshing. I look up and she walks up to me again.
"You need to focus on your feet. stay on the ground. talk to people. Set up a healthy pattern for your family. Reach for more earth knowledge. The soul already knows what you need to remember. Let me speak through you while you are on earth not just here. All the things that you dream of ...pick one... and bring it to life. Then the next one. Don't try all at once. Learn then use it. Don't try to learn all first. Did I mention you need to write more? You need to grow out from the veil. It hides you very well. Your light is blocked completely from here. I can only see you when you are here. You will understand when you pull it off what I mean. But If I tell you each step the path will change."
"I have another question: on the earth that you live are we with our soul mate?" I ask..
"No I am waiting for us to catch up to each other. That is a journey we take together. when we are both whole."
"Am I not whole now?" I ask. "I feel like a whole person..."
"Your soul is hiding.... whole ..not like fruit, but like all the cylinders on a car working; all the tires inflated evenly. All the rooms cleaned during spring... does this make sense?"
"Yes.... So the first step?"
"You will see... the mundane things save space for the rest of it." She answers.
"Do I start tomorrow?" I ask...as I feel my anxiety rise in my chest.
"You cannot grow a plant in a day.... Maybe you can plant the seed... or pull the weeds where you want to plant... maybe a tree or rocks are in the way and you need to remove them first.... Maybe if you write it down. Not goals..patterns of success...with limitless outcomes... with a leap that is freedom, with patterns after that, that you can't plan yet.."
"Do you have bad days on your earth?" I ask
"Yes...my freedom was hard fought, but the blanket on my earth is not as heavy as yours. It takes less time, energy, emotion and fight to gain freedom."
"How can 1 soul split? I ask.
"With out a long story... we chose to divide and conquer. Not all souls do. Some splinter. Earth has been hard. This time is better with a tether to my earth. I can't explain more yet."
"Do you travel in time? I ask
"Yes." She replies.
"Can you actually leave your earth?" I ask.
"Yes, but again my earth is not as heavy." She says.
"Will I be able to travel like that?"
"I cannot say... it depends. It is not a end goal nor a focus for our soul to master. As long as you do not hide behind it." She says.
I take a deep sigh. "OK."
"Do not leave here disappointed. You came for answers, they should be without expectation of answer. Go home and write the patterns down that you want to have, write down the belief you want and why. write down the emotions you want to feel, and what they are brought from. Write why you want to travel and where. Write it down until it is clear where you are in your gardening process. Think about how long it takes for a plant to grow. Draw a garden if you must. Plan out what you want it to look like. design it, then create it. And remember it is yours and your alone, but all of those you want in your life must have a place in, and space in your garden. You need to plan, and train."
I thank my soul for her/our /my help. I give her a hug and for a moment our soul is one. I try to feel the lightness and freedom as it is a part of me for a moment. I can feel the veil over me. I step back and thank her again.
She laughs. "Of course." "Be sure and let me know when you meet him. I know where he is on my earth. I am just waiting for you."
I laugh .."OK I will come tell you. Gosh will I know when I meet him?"
She laughs...not at first. But as you tether yourself to your memories they will resonate with him. HE will know. Don't let that go."
"OK sounds good" I reply.
I turn around and walk to the boat. I climb in and enjoy the cruise across the lake with the warm air blowing my hair. I climb out and start on the path down the away from the lake. I go quickly. I can see my couch at the bottom of the trail I step onto my couch and back to my living room.
I climb off my couch. I step up onto the platform behind me. I walk up until I can see the vegetation I can see the narrow path. I start walking up the path. It is warm and sunny today. Normally it is cold and gloomy. I weave my way through the bushes that hang over the path. It is steep and I have to lean forward to keep my balance. I push dead branches out of the way as I make my way to the top of the path. I see the opening in the path as it opens up to a clearing at the edge of the lake . There is fine ground rocks and some old pieces of wood that have been pushed to the shore. The wood not the sand. The gravelly sand is there in a small clearing. The other part of the lake has grass all the way to the edge of the water. I look across the lake.
"Hello!" I call out. "Are you here?"
I look to the far edge of the lake where my soul took me last time. The land curves away to where I can no longer see the path. I focused my sights there and waited.
"I'm here!" I hear a voice call out.
I wait. She rounds the corner of the path across the lake. I look down at the waters edge. I imagine a boat there and slowly I see the air swirl around as a boat appears to be being built from dust in the air. When it is complete I step into the boat. I focus my sights on the opposite edge of the lake. The boat seems to just know that is where I want to go. It pushes through the water to other edge. I climb out of the boat. I remember that last time I had my mind interfere with what I was trying to hear and see. I focus on my surroundings. And I try to stay focused on my questions.
My soul runs up to me. "What are you doing here today? I wasn't expecting you today."
"I know I wasn't planning on visiting so soon. I need more answers."
She looks at me .. "OK what do you need?"
"My questions are: What am I training for? What do I need to focus on? When should I start? What kind of training am I doing? Physical, Mental, emotional, educational, vocational? There are too many options I need help to focus. What happens if I train in the wrong area?"
She laughs out loud. Inwardly, I have a little awkward feeling. I have much anxiety about these things. She looks at me. "You know you're me right?
" ...Well yes..technically." I reply
"Not technical...you are me. You choose to hide under your veil."
"Why do you not choose to hide?" I ask
"Because I chose freedom." She said.
"But you are me; did we not both choose freedom?" I asked; feeling perplexed.
"You chose earth. I chose a different...earth place. We chose."
"Is earth harder to take off the veil? " I ask
"...no it is harder for you than for me. Hmmm let me think of your questions for a moment. Don't add your thoughts to mine ... let me contemplate." She pauses and steps back. I am back in my living room for a moment chatting with my kids. I hear her start to talk so I jump back to the lake..
"Just as you answered yourself; you need to train physically. It will hep with mental focus. You need to train and practice living on earth. You cannot hide until its over. Write more think less."
"What is my goal?"....
"There is not a goal.. there is a pattern of evolving. There is people to connect to and paths to clear for others. Doors to open and soulful practice of healthy beliefs. To concrete the healthy patterns, so as to not need to repeat learning them again. You can set goals for yourself to help you, but not as an end result. You need to understand the patterns of growth are not set. Focus on reaching for a feeling and keeping it here. Write your new belief. and practice it. There are events that are going to occur and you will do best with training." She stops for a moment. "Your thoughts are merging with mine. give me a moment."
I pause and I lean down a dip my fingers in the water. It is cold and clear. There is grass growing on the edge of the lake. I can see small fish darting around in the grass in the water. I look up at my soul... she is prancing around in circles and humming a tune. I look down and feel the water on my fingers. so cold and refreshing. I look up and she walks up to me again.
"You need to focus on your feet. stay on the ground. talk to people. Set up a healthy pattern for your family. Reach for more earth knowledge. The soul already knows what you need to remember. Let me speak through you while you are on earth not just here. All the things that you dream of ...pick one... and bring it to life. Then the next one. Don't try all at once. Learn then use it. Don't try to learn all first. Did I mention you need to write more? You need to grow out from the veil. It hides you very well. Your light is blocked completely from here. I can only see you when you are here. You will understand when you pull it off what I mean. But If I tell you each step the path will change."
"I have another question: on the earth that you live are we with our soul mate?" I ask..
"No I am waiting for us to catch up to each other. That is a journey we take together. when we are both whole."
"Am I not whole now?" I ask. "I feel like a whole person..."
"Your soul is hiding.... whole ..not like fruit, but like all the cylinders on a car working; all the tires inflated evenly. All the rooms cleaned during spring... does this make sense?"
"Yes.... So the first step?"
"You will see... the mundane things save space for the rest of it." She answers.
"Do I start tomorrow?" I ask...as I feel my anxiety rise in my chest.
"You cannot grow a plant in a day.... Maybe you can plant the seed... or pull the weeds where you want to plant... maybe a tree or rocks are in the way and you need to remove them first.... Maybe if you write it down. Not goals..patterns of success...with limitless outcomes... with a leap that is freedom, with patterns after that, that you can't plan yet.."
"Do you have bad days on your earth?" I ask
"Yes...my freedom was hard fought, but the blanket on my earth is not as heavy as yours. It takes less time, energy, emotion and fight to gain freedom."
"How can 1 soul split? I ask.
"With out a long story... we chose to divide and conquer. Not all souls do. Some splinter. Earth has been hard. This time is better with a tether to my earth. I can't explain more yet."
"Do you travel in time? I ask
"Yes." She replies.
"Can you actually leave your earth?" I ask.
"Yes, but again my earth is not as heavy." She says.
"Will I be able to travel like that?"
"I cannot say... it depends. It is not a end goal nor a focus for our soul to master. As long as you do not hide behind it." She says.
I take a deep sigh. "OK."
"Do not leave here disappointed. You came for answers, they should be without expectation of answer. Go home and write the patterns down that you want to have, write down the belief you want and why. write down the emotions you want to feel, and what they are brought from. Write why you want to travel and where. Write it down until it is clear where you are in your gardening process. Think about how long it takes for a plant to grow. Draw a garden if you must. Plan out what you want it to look like. design it, then create it. And remember it is yours and your alone, but all of those you want in your life must have a place in, and space in your garden. You need to plan, and train."
I thank my soul for her/our /my help. I give her a hug and for a moment our soul is one. I try to feel the lightness and freedom as it is a part of me for a moment. I can feel the veil over me. I step back and thank her again.
She laughs. "Of course." "Be sure and let me know when you meet him. I know where he is on my earth. I am just waiting for you."
I laugh .."OK I will come tell you. Gosh will I know when I meet him?"
She laughs...not at first. But as you tether yourself to your memories they will resonate with him. HE will know. Don't let that go."
"OK sounds good" I reply.
I turn around and walk to the boat. I climb in and enjoy the cruise across the lake with the warm air blowing my hair. I climb out and start on the path down the away from the lake. I go quickly. I can see my couch at the bottom of the trail I step onto my couch and back to my living room.
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
Kylego into reality
Kylego for Wed, Thurs, Fri Feb 14,15,16................................................................................
Wednesday started out great...I actually followed my schedule almost perfectly. It felt good. We all got out of the house smoothly. My day at work could have been stressful but I insisted on being positive all day. I got a lot accomplished. After my piano lesson and a great dinner with the ex... I was proud of myself for being able to articulate my boundaries. When I got home I dived into writing for my Crime Lab blog and got more content up. I also got to watch a great video of Kyle's about entrepreneur ship. It is going to help immensely. Thursday morning I got up early, and decided to buy a lottery ticket and a scratcher. After a GREAT day at work with many accomplishments I went to look at houses. None of the ones we looked at were great. But it was ok...they just weren't the right ones. Friday I was super proud of myself because I was still on schedule!! Off to school and work. I taught class all day, and the day zipped by. I got a call from the realtor about a house coming on the market. In the area I wanted and the size I wanted. I went to go see it and loved it and put an offer on it right then...yay!! Then I went to the store to check my lottery ticket.................I won. Not like a little bit................but like 3 million dollars won.....................I am still so freaking shocked. I wont actually feel real until I see the first check. It will be here in 6 weeks!!!!!!!!!!
Luckily I totally screwed this up. On Wednesday morning, I accidentally turned off my alarm and slept in until 6:30am.... Sheer panic set in as me and the kids scrambled to get ready for school. I can barely remember what I did at work. I accomplished very little. I had a lot of meetings that day I guess I did get some stuff accomplished at work. My piano lesson was great. Dinner was great, and I didn't even need to articulate my boundaries. There was no push or awkward requests made. However I didn't get home until 11pm...No videos watched, nothing typed...just straight to bed.
Thursday...I hit the snooze button religiously for an hour maybe two. My realtor had a place for me to look at first thing in the morning. So off I went to see that ..I actually liked it for a hot second. And all the other viewings got cancelled....And NO I didn't buy a lottery or Scratcher ticket.
Friday.. another snooze button fest in the morning. I did teach class all day... no call from the realtor because he went out if town for the weekend.
Even though I didn't kylego Saturday...I'm adding it on anyway. I hit the snooze button for along time today too. I drank a whole pot of coffee before I went to work. I taught class all day. Got home and promptly fell asleep. I still need to clean, practice piano, did I mention clean? and type some blog stuff. And of course...Kylego either a crazier week ahead, or a more realistic one. I wanted all these to happen, but they weren't meant to. I need to tune into more of the meant to than want to's.
Wednesday started out great...I actually followed my schedule almost perfectly. It felt good. We all got out of the house smoothly. My day at work could have been stressful but I insisted on being positive all day. I got a lot accomplished. After my piano lesson and a great dinner with the ex... I was proud of myself for being able to articulate my boundaries. When I got home I dived into writing for my Crime Lab blog and got more content up. I also got to watch a great video of Kyle's about entrepreneur ship. It is going to help immensely. Thursday morning I got up early, and decided to buy a lottery ticket and a scratcher. After a GREAT day at work with many accomplishments I went to look at houses. None of the ones we looked at were great. But it was ok...they just weren't the right ones. Friday I was super proud of myself because I was still on schedule!! Off to school and work. I taught class all day, and the day zipped by. I got a call from the realtor about a house coming on the market. In the area I wanted and the size I wanted. I went to go see it and loved it and put an offer on it right then...yay!! Then I went to the store to check my lottery ticket.................I won. Not like a little bit................but like 3 million dollars won.....................I am still so freaking shocked. I wont actually feel real until I see the first check. It will be here in 6 weeks!!!!!!!!!!
Luckily I totally screwed this up. On Wednesday morning, I accidentally turned off my alarm and slept in until 6:30am.... Sheer panic set in as me and the kids scrambled to get ready for school. I can barely remember what I did at work. I accomplished very little. I had a lot of meetings that day I guess I did get some stuff accomplished at work. My piano lesson was great. Dinner was great, and I didn't even need to articulate my boundaries. There was no push or awkward requests made. However I didn't get home until 11pm...No videos watched, nothing typed...just straight to bed.
Thursday...I hit the snooze button religiously for an hour maybe two. My realtor had a place for me to look at first thing in the morning. So off I went to see that ..I actually liked it for a hot second. And all the other viewings got cancelled....And NO I didn't buy a lottery or Scratcher ticket.
Friday.. another snooze button fest in the morning. I did teach class all day... no call from the realtor because he went out if town for the weekend.
Even though I didn't kylego Saturday...I'm adding it on anyway. I hit the snooze button for along time today too. I drank a whole pot of coffee before I went to work. I taught class all day. Got home and promptly fell asleep. I still need to clean, practice piano, did I mention clean? and type some blog stuff. And of course...Kylego either a crazier week ahead, or a more realistic one. I wanted all these to happen, but they weren't meant to. I need to tune into more of the meant to than want to's.
Monday, January 8, 2018
A Visit to My Soul
I went to see my soul last night. I hadn't been up there for awhile. I guess along the way I figured out how to plant some trees on my side of the water. She did too. They are all in bloom. The pink cherry blossoms adding color to the the trees and the ground around them. Like a soft pink circle of light. I brought a boat with me this time. I had tried to build a bridge to my soul before. I wasn't successful. I realize now there are many ways to get across the water. I climb in the boat and paddle to the shore where my soul is standing. My soul turns to light and swirls around me as I walk along this distant shore. I try to memorize the feeling of walking in the light of my soul. It is not as different as I had thought it would be. I look across the shore to where I started. The trees I planted are still small. I need to visit more often to cultivate them. I look at the water in hopes that instead of ripples in the water I would see words floating by. I see my reflection in the water. I look the same, but the discontent is not. I feel loved from within.
The sun starts to set behind the fog and the mist. The grey starts to fade to darkness. I climb in the boat, wondering if my soul will just stay with me or if she will stay on the distant shore. I start to paddle across the water. I close my eyes for a moment. I don't want to know if the light is still around me or not. I know I need to figure out why she stays on the other side of the water. I had hoped this was the answer. The trees planted, the boat across the water, the walk together on the other side of the shore.
I reach the shore and feel the boat bump the shore. I open my eyes and look back across the water. My soul was dancing along the shore. I still feel the comfort from within. I too dance among the small trees. I stop at each tree and tend to it. I clear the weeds from around the roots. It is dark now. I notice I still have light to light my path. It shines from around me. I smile to myself as I walk down the path to my world.
The sun starts to set behind the fog and the mist. The grey starts to fade to darkness. I climb in the boat, wondering if my soul will just stay with me or if she will stay on the distant shore. I start to paddle across the water. I close my eyes for a moment. I don't want to know if the light is still around me or not. I know I need to figure out why she stays on the other side of the water. I had hoped this was the answer. The trees planted, the boat across the water, the walk together on the other side of the shore.
I reach the shore and feel the boat bump the shore. I open my eyes and look back across the water. My soul was dancing along the shore. I still feel the comfort from within. I too dance among the small trees. I stop at each tree and tend to it. I clear the weeds from around the roots. It is dark now. I notice I still have light to light my path. It shines from around me. I smile to myself as I walk down the path to my world.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Tonight. Tonight? Tonight.
Well today is the day that I am faced with planning time for these new changes. My health needs it. My writing skills need it and my income needs it. How much time do I need to create for each one of these? Where do I squeeze these things into my life? I am faced today and ultimately with my time/space conundrum. I ultimately want more time with my kids, and the freedom to do things outside the confines of work and home.
To do this I need my health. I need to have strength to be active. I need to have the energy to follow through with what I want. I need to exercise and eat right. I need to want this for myself. If I want more time with my kids I need to be healthy enough to provide it for them.
I need to practice my writing as I am today. I have spent enough time getting the list of contests together it would be a waste of previously spent time to not follow through with this. I don't really know how much time it will take me to write each one. I need that window of dedicated time to do so though. This might not make any money, but writing is a great hobby that can be honed. I will take time each week to work on my video game that I want to create. I need to carve a notch of time to do this. When? I don't know yet.
During the next week, month, 6 months I will work diligently to create the reality that I want. Health, freedom, knowledge, love and family.
Tomorrow is the first day. Tonight is the first night.
These tasks might sound insignificant, but they feel like mountains on most days.
To take better care of me, I will wash my face twice a day, I will brush my teeth twice a day, I will shower daily.
To take care of my children I will have dinner with them very night. I will make sure they brush their teeth twice a day. I will make sure they get enough sleep, and they will have stories read to them every night.
I am already overwhelmed by my small task list. I start tonight.
I have let my physical strength go for so long that I will start with walking and yoga stretches. Daily? Daily.
At least I have my writing out of the way for tonight.
To do this I need my health. I need to have strength to be active. I need to have the energy to follow through with what I want. I need to exercise and eat right. I need to want this for myself. If I want more time with my kids I need to be healthy enough to provide it for them.
I need to practice my writing as I am today. I have spent enough time getting the list of contests together it would be a waste of previously spent time to not follow through with this. I don't really know how much time it will take me to write each one. I need that window of dedicated time to do so though. This might not make any money, but writing is a great hobby that can be honed. I will take time each week to work on my video game that I want to create. I need to carve a notch of time to do this. When? I don't know yet.
During the next week, month, 6 months I will work diligently to create the reality that I want. Health, freedom, knowledge, love and family.
Tomorrow is the first day. Tonight is the first night.
These tasks might sound insignificant, but they feel like mountains on most days.
To take better care of me, I will wash my face twice a day, I will brush my teeth twice a day, I will shower daily.
To take care of my children I will have dinner with them very night. I will make sure they brush their teeth twice a day. I will make sure they get enough sleep, and they will have stories read to them every night.
I am already overwhelmed by my small task list. I start tonight.
I have let my physical strength go for so long that I will start with walking and yoga stretches. Daily? Daily.
At least I have my writing out of the way for tonight.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Dreams Without a Plan
I have been given alot of advice recently in regards to taking steps in to my unknown future. I have been been told I need to look internally and make changes in my self before anything good will happen outwardly. I have been told I need to focus on exactly what I want in the future so that I will bring those things to my present. I have been told to explore all of my interests and pursue those things, and that is where the future lies. I have been told to step back and watch my thoughts and emotions go by and examine what they mean and do. I have come to realize that I am the keeper of me. I am the designer of my future and the future of my children and family. What do I want to build? How do I build it? What have I built so far?
I built my present out of the "plan of necessity." My original plan was built of dreams. I dreamed of a life fighting crime and solving mysteries. I dreamed without a plan to get there. I dreamed of being there, without thought of How I was going to get there. I did not prepare my mind, body or soul for the journey, the arrival nor the failure to execute the dream. It was a staunch reminder that I lacked the tools of knowledge to build the paths to my dreams. I eventually gave up on the dream of FBI and profiling, and mystery solving. I stopped dreaming. I felt like I was in a giant ocean treading water. As I started to learn about finances, and bills I realized I had very few skills needed to get a "successful" job. I wanted to be rich, partly to prove I was as good at life as I had thought I was, and to be able to help others in a way I could not; all I had was my time to give others and that was in short supply. As I treaded water in the sea of life, things floated by that I grabbed a hold of. Each thing that floated by, and I grabbed a hold of, taught me something. I finally came upon something big enough to pull me out of the water. I couldn't let it float past me. I was exhausted from the search and the treading water. This boat was nursing school. It brought to where I am today. A good job, with benefits, that requires skill and knowledge. Four years have passed, and now I am tired of being on this floating boat in the middle of the ocean. Being on this boat was not a dream it was a necessity. I'm still one wave away from being in the ocean again; this time with my kids, which is an even scarier prospect. Now when I dream it is scattered and without sincerity. I can't tell the difference between the dreams of being off this boat, and the dreams of me. They are all jumbled together.
I still dream of being rich, not as much to prove something, and more to be able to have the means to help people in a way that I cannot right now.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
The dreams of me
As I continue to hunt for my hearts content aside from my sweet family of course; I have stumbled across a thought or two. If I want to act as a detective, or do crime scene tech stuff, why not just do it myself? The other thought I had was I will write all of my dreams as if they were reality.
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