The Old Lady Part 2

It was a crisp cool day in November. The sun was shining, but the air was cold and biting. The leaves that remained on the branches, still clinging to Autumn, were almost all turned yellow and red, but they were still there on the tree limbs. I was walking down the sidewalk on  a quiet street lined with trees and townhomes, headed into town for lunch.
I saw an elderly woman walking slowly up ahead of me a ways. I drifted off into thought for a few minutes.
I came back to reality as I got closer to the old woman. I did not want to startle her so I slowed my pace a little bit. She was carrying a blue reusable grocery bag, and a little brown purse in the crook of her right elbow. She wore a nice navy blue peacoat and white pants. I continued my slow pace behind her. As we approached the next grouping of townhomes, I looked up at them. They were brown with small windows upstairs and down. There was a little porch for each one, and a small concrete walkway that cut straight to the sidewalk. As we approached the first walkway the old lady turned and shuffled onto the concrete walkway. She glanced up towards me and made eye contact with me. I guess she could hear me behind her.
All of the sudden she let out a loud cry!
AHHH!.
OWW!
She gripped her elbow, and held it tight against her. She looked up at me as I trotted up to her. "What happened?" I asked....trying to assess the situation.
"Oh my elbow, it slipped out of socket!" She said. She moved her hand away from her elbow. Even through the thick blue peacoat, I could see the arm extend a little too far down at the bend of her elbow.
"Let me help you with your bags." I said.
She let me gently pull her bags off her arm. She shuffled up the step to her door, and with her left hand she fished around in her pocket and found her house keys. She got the door open and we stepped inside.
It was a small place. The entrance to the stairs was right in front of me. To my left was two closed doors and to my right was the living room. The old lady shuffled into the living room past the couch to the chair that was already pulled out at the table. There was an old man on the couch. He was dressed in a suit and his head was resting on a pillow on the arm of the couch. He had a black hat on and it was pulled down over his eyes.
"You just put those bags on the floor there."
She pointed to kitchen floor just around the corner of the room. I walked the bags over, trying to be quiet for her napping husband.
I turned toward her and said "do you want me to call an ambulance for you?"
She shook her her head, no. "If you could just help me get my coat off, that will do just fine."
I walked up to her with my back to the old man asleep on the couch. I was helping her stand up from her chair, when I felt something behind me. I turned around and the old man was standing behind me; towering over me by a solid foot. I gasped and started to apologize for waking him, when I realized he was not old. I stared at him for a few seconds as my thoughts started to process what was happening, and the fear started to rise in my throat.
My mind started to race through a million thoughts trying to reason with myself and calm the panic I was starting to feel. I continued to stare at him, unsure of what to say. My mouth was dry, I could feel my fingertips tingling with fear.
"I...I.........I am s..sorry I woke you up" I stammered. My voice cracking a little as I tried to get the words out.
He said nothing. He didn't move. He was standing so close to me I could feel the exhales of his breath through his nose. His eyes were still, and cold, his face was emotionless.
I tried to step back and felt my leg hit the chair behind me. I finally remembered the old lady and slowly turned to look at her.
She was still old. She stood there with a slight smirk in her face, at least I think it was a smirk. She was still holding her elbow as if it hurt, but she didn't say anything.
"Is this your son?" I asked. My voice shaking a little. "What is going on?" "I should get going." The words were tumbling out of my mouth as a sinking realization started to wash over me.
I look at the man, then back to the old lady. I see the flash of the knife in the man's hand. I felt the knife sink into my gut.

I step aside and look at me standing there. This is how that life ended. I had wondered if the answers were in the moments leading up to my death, or if I would have to work backwards from here. I took another step away from the man. I am happy he can't see me this time. I watch my body slump to the floor. I write down a few notes in my notebook.
I step out of the townhouse. I take a deep breath. I hated the cold air for lifetimes after this. I hated to shiver, as if that was what led me inside the townhouse. I start to walk back up the  street. The portal to the next life I am studying is ready.

THE REST OF THE STORY

 I stood there for  awhile staring down at my body lying on the floor. I tried hard to move my fingers and toes. I felt like I was breathing yet it was effortless. But I could not get myself back to being on the floor. I watched the man wrap my body up in a tarp and carry me out of the room. I watched him carry me down the stairs to his basement. I started to feel more panic as I start to realize I might not connect to my body again. This might be it. I I start to float higher like a hot air balloon. I start yelling and kicking and screaming and grabbing at the air. Nothing happens. No sounds, no sensations besides my fear anger, and sadness. I scream and cry until I just can't anymore. I must fall asleep as I am floating, because when I wake up I am in a room with a movie theater size TV. 

The first person I see, I walk up to and ask, "can you hear me?" 

He turns to me and says "yes of course. Welcome to the other side of the veil. How are you feeling?"

"Like shit" I reply. "How do I get back to ....earth?" as I motion toward the screen. 

"Oh that takes a little time. There is the planning room down the hall."

"I don't want to plan, I want to go back to the one I was just at." I reply. 

"Oh, he says quietly . you can't, you died. Your body died." 

"But what if I am never found? I have to stay connected somehow. I need to be sure my parents know what happened to me. Its not fair, I need to tell them."

"The communication area in down the hall, but good luck its REALLY loud on earth. Nobody hears anything down there." The person says.

I take a deep breath and walk down the hall. I see a sign that says communication center, I push the double doors open. And the room seems infinite. I can't see the end of the room nor the sides. The room is full of people, screens and keyboards clacking. There is someone standing by the doorway. I walk up to them, and say "I need to get a message to my parents. apparently I died on earth and I need to make sure my body is found so my parents will be ok. Can you help me?"

"Of course" the person replies. He walks us down a path between the computer stations until we reach an empty one. "Ok how to I use this?" I ask. 

"Well you find the person you want to send a message to and then you use different things around them to send them a message. If you need to search for person you don't know, you can ask here in this section. Good luck, people there can't hear much." "Yeah, I heard that already." I say. 

I sit down and type in Mom. I zoom in and can see my mom and dad sitting on their couch. They don't know I am gone yet. ugh. Ok, how to I tell my parents I am dead? 

I start typing into the communication box: mom, can you hear me? I hit the enter button and wait. I don't really know what I am waiting for. My mom picks up her phone and looks at it. "She hasn't called yet tonight, I'm surprised." she says to my dad. He shrugs and says "well she is probably working or hanging out with friends. You can't expect her to call every day."

"I know" she says with a sigh and puts down her phone. I type in the box: call me and hit enter. I wait for my mom to respond. nothing. Mom, call me. I type and hit enter. I wait again. My mom picks up her phone. "I'm just gonna text her." She types a message to me. Somehow I am able to zoom in and read it. Hi its mom, just checking in. love you. She hits send. I see the image zoom to my phone. Its sitting on the table in the house I just died in. I feel cold and sick to my stomach. I see the man pick up the phone. He must have unlocked it with my fingerprint. I see him start to respond to the message. 

"NOOOOO!!! STOP!!!! "I scream at the screen.

 Love you too mom, im super tired tonight, just chilling in bed. He hits send on the message. My moms phone dings. She picks it up and reads it. She smiles and says "oh honey you were right, she is at home." I start typing furiously into the communication box. Mom that wasn't me that was someone else. I never go to bed right now. I didn't put a heart emoji at the end of my sentence you have to know that's not me MOMMM!! you have to listen to me! I hit enter on the keyboard and wait. and wait, and wait. Nothing. My mom and dad get up and go to bed after the movie they are watching. Ok think think think. Who else can I tell. Ooh my friend jessica. I type in her name and she appears on the screen. Jessica can you hear me? I type and hit enter. She is at dinner with friends from work. nothing. I hear static. Ok this isnt working. I get up and go back to the person at the entrance.

 "I can't get anyone to hear me. What do I do now?" I ask. 

"Well you can wait until morning and try again." 

"OK do I need to go sleep or eat or something?" I ask. 

"No" the person laughs. "you just scroll the timeline. you can move it back and forth. Its not linear here."

 I went and sat back down at the screen. I had the next few days off from work so there would not be any red flag there. My main hope was my mom. I typed into the box: mom can you hear me? I died, I need you to find me. I hit enter. The words swirled around on the screen and turned into what seemed like random images. This must be my mom's dream. It's me driving in a car telling her I'm dead. in the dream she is crying. Fingers crossed she understands the message. I roll fast forward on the timeline to morning. She gets up and looks at her phone. she looks again at the message from my phone. Good morning, can you call me? she texts and hits send. She turns to my dad and tells him she had a bad dream and doesn't feel good. He gets up and says he will grab her some coffee. The man who killed me turned off my phone. The message to me stayed on delivered. Mom went to work. I typed messages to her all day. Just static responses. As she left work she opened her cell and called me. The phone went straight to voicemail. The static stopped. I started typing again. Mom please check on me. Go to my house. She called my dad and said she was going to run some errands before heading home. Instead, she drove to my house. I can't tell if she heard me or not. I see her calling the police. Everything seems to move a little faster. they search the house. the officer takes notes. I fast forward through a few days. The Detective seems to be on the right path to finding me. He keeps driving past the house I died in. I just need to figure out how to tell him. I seemed to get my mom to understand. She keeps telling the detective I didn't run away, didn't do drugs, and that I must be held captive in a house somewhere. 

I zoom in on the detective. He is studying the case file. I start typing Hi can you hear me? It's me, the person you are currently looking for. I'm in a house. I hit enter and wait to see if he can hear me. There is no static, so I am hoping he can. The person that helped me with the computer walks up behind me.

 "You know you can click on items in and around the person you are trying to communicate with and use those if they have energy flowing through them."

"Oh like the TV?" I ask. "Yes." he says. 

I click on the TV. I type in the box: I'm in a house. Can you hear me? The next commercial is a hearing aid commercial with a man in front of a house that has the same colors as the one I died in. I start to get excited as he stares at the TV. Maybe he gets it! I think. He grabs his phone and opens his texts. He starts typing Hey! we should get a house soon, I just saw a commercial that reminded me that  I wanted to tell you that. He hits send and puts his phone down. I heave a deep sigh and turn to the person helping me. 

"Is all communication this hard?"

The person nods. "Yes, it can be challenging until you find someone who truly hears. Keep trying, maybe some of the message will get through."

 I spend the next week, then month, then three months typing messages to the detective. I tried to give him the address, I showed him the color of the house, I sent basement images. He noticed everything yet didn't put anything together. I even got clear tarps to fall in front of him at Home Depot. The address was on every license plate, the cost of gas. My mom seemed to have heard me and kept insisting I was inside someone's home. He even pulled over IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE I DIED IN to respond to my mom's text. I watch in anguish as the direction of my parent's lives shift completely. 

I sit back in my chair and think. It's been months since I left. No one is understanding the messages. It's like charades and pictionary together with a wall in between the players. Who else can I try? I think back to my time on earth. I snap my fingers. John Edwards! I type his name in. Meeting room 4 is the message that pops up on my screen. The person from the door way comes over to me. "Follow me" the person says. I get up and we walk through a door that didn't seem to be there a few minutes ago. There are hundreds of people in the room. There are seats but people are milling around.

 "What is this?" I ask. 

"Everyone hopes to get a message through. People like John Edwards tune in and everyone starts typing at once. If the person they are connected to on earth is near to him their message gets bolded. He can hear it better." The person explains. "Ugh, ok so if the detective or my mom isn't seeking him out he probably won't hear me." I say dejectedly. "Unfortunately yes," the person responds. "Are all of them like this?" I ask. "The big psychics. Yes." The person replies. 

"Have you tried spirit guides yet? sometimes they are more successful."

"No" I reply. "What's a spirit guide and where are they?" 

"Follow me" the person says. We walk through the room and exit into another large open area. It looks like a bunch of starbucks lounge areas, with groups of people at each one. Some of them only have 2-3 people some have 6-7 people. There is what looks like a hostess stand in front of us. The person motions to come over to it. "Here is where you can look up the group. Let's type in Mom and hit enter." The person explains. The group in front of us seems to morph into a different group. "This is your mom's spirit guides."

 I walk up to them. "Can you get a clear message to my mom?" I ask. "We can try. What is the message?" One of them asks. "I can be found at 628 Jefferson street in the basement." I reply. 

"Oooooooh That's tough." one of the group says. "Super clear details are very hard to get through. We can get the 6 and Jefferson but the rest gets lost. We will try though."

"Ok, thank you." I reply. I walk back to the hostess stand and type in the detectives name. I watch as the groups blend and change until the group in front of me is clear. I walk up the new group and ask, if they are the spirit guides for the detective. "Yes ma'am" they reply in unison. "Can you get him a message?" I ask. They all break out in hearty laughter, "Have you met this man?" one of them asks. 

"No, I have only seen him through the veil." I reply. 

"We have been trying to give him guidance on your case. so far, no luck."

"Do all of his cases ask for help?" I ask. 

"No, some are happy to cut ties and move on. Some give up, some have other things that weigh heavier on them to communicate with the otherside. We have a few. We keep their case files here and when we feel like there might be a chance he will hear us, we open the file and pull them to us." 

"Can I leave a case file with you?" I ask. "Yes ma'am. Just touch the corner of the table here and it will be here." I reach over and touch the corner and sure enough a grey case file appears on the table. 

I turn to the Helper. "What about a broad search of people that might be able to hear me that know either my mom or the detective? Can I find them and send a message?" The person points back to the desk I was at. "Just zoom out. It will show you if anyone near them can hear you."

 I go and sit back down. It feels like it has been a whole year of trying to get people to hear me but it has only been a few days as far as I can tell. On earth it has now been 6 months. I continue to send messages and practice different ways to get my message across. I try everyone I can think of, and everyone that they know. It all ends up garbled, ignored or mistranslated. I wish I could just step through the veil and write a note. Would they even believe what they saw? 

I need a break. I get up and before I can step away from my desk the Helper is next to me. Come with me the person says. We walk through the big conference room to the other side where the spirit guides gather. We step in and stand in front of the hostess station. "What are we doing here?" I ask. "I am tired and ready to give up. It might be time. I left my case file with the detective and I have done everything I can to get through to my mom."

 The person turns to me. "You can always leave an impression here and move on. But it is not as strong of a signal when there is communication."

 "OK" I sigh. 

"There are people who work on cases outside of the detective and there are people that can hear their spirit guides better than others. This group here is the spirit guides for someone named Rachel. This is Roger. he communicates most frequently with her."

 I walk up to him. "Roger, you are able to talk with someone on earth?" I ask a little incredulously. "How? they don't understand anything."

 Roger laughs "that is true." He says with a strong italian accent. "I don't know how Raquelle understands me but she does. She ignores me on purpose, often, but can still hear me when she chooses."

" Can you tell her to find me?" I ask. 

"I can." Roger replies. "She will not be able to find you immediately. She is working on opening up the channels needed to be able to execute missing person searches properly."

 "What does she need?" I ask. "How long until she is ready? Why can't you just tell her my name?" I ask. "What is your name?" Roger asks. 

"I'm......um, my name is....." I turn to the helper. "Why can't I remember my own name?" I gasp. "I am...me. I am .....fuck how do I not remember?"

 I turn to Roger and ask "How will you know when she sees my case?"

" Oh I have a map" says Roger. "It will send a signal. I will call you as soon as she looks at it."

 "Has she found anyone yet?" I ask.

 "Wellll, so the problem is I have been prodding Raquelle to start looking for people her whole life, but things came up and we are back on track. She has reviewed and studied many cases. There is an entire room full of people that are awaiting her skills to be utilized."

 "What is she doing now? Can I talk to her?" I ask. "Do I need to go to my computer to speak with her?"

 "No" Roger replies. "She can hear you now. She is driving. and listening."

 "Tell her I am waiting for her to find me, so I can be set free."

 "She heard you" Roger replied. 

I sit down and take a deep breath. I guess now I wait. 

Meeting Of the Minds

I sit down at my kitchen table and take a deep breath. I have so many things I need to be doing and instead I am panicking about meeting with a group of Deities that I have called upon to help me with this 7 month container. I look up and look at the sliding glass door leading outside to my backyard. I close my eyes and open them again. It has become a solid white door. I look across the table and my spirit guide is now sitting across from me. He motions to the door without saying anything. 

I get up and walk to the door and open it. I step into the darkened warehouse. The light above the conference table is bright. I go to the chair at the end of the table and sit down. I look down at the papers I have brought with me. I look up and all of the Deities are now sitting at the table. I gasp and jump back in my chair. 

The Dagda raises his hand in a little wave. "We move quietly and swiftly, pardon the surprise. You have something in your hand?"

"Yes, I printed the plan for the container so you could better understand and hopefully explain to me how you all can help and support me during this 7 month journey."

"Please read for us." He says.

"Ok, so there are 4 Pillars. Shadow Work, Witnessing, community, leveraged commitment.

The energy dynamics focus is Intentional Action, Consistent vulnerability, Power-with Boundaries, Finance/emotion/time commitment, Ceremonies/Rituals, Generous gratitude action.

The shadow work: "A willingness to open my heart, inviting deities and cohorts as peers, into the heart space. Seeking their support as witnesses and guides, as we call up our old stories, fears, wounds, and the death-life-death journey of the old."

You are the Deities." I stop talking at this point and put the papers back on the table.

All 9 of the OGs, and GOATs stand up.

The Dagda speaks again. "We are doing ....Shadow work. Are you ready for this next step?" He does a "come here" hand motion towards the door.

Roger my spirit guide steps into the warehouse, and walks up to the conference table.

The Dagda turns to Roger and asks: "She decerns you clearly?"

"Yes she hears me clearly. and does well with separating her internal dialogue and myself."

The Dagda nods. "Very well. Thank you."

"These meetings will need to be done while you are alone moving forward."

He sits back down as does everyone else.

There are the golden goblets in front of each of us.

Hygieia speaks first - "The Depth and importance of self care. What we learned at 12 we will learn again."

Erebus speaks next. - "The Fears will rise, your understanding of your past lives helps greatly. "

Itspapalotl raises her goblet- "The dead shall speak."

Aine places her hand on her goblet- "The gratitude is in the details, we will find them."

Ganesh picks up his goblet- "Its luck when you can't hear the whispers. You must silence the mind."

Soteria leans forward in her chair, and clasps both hands around her goblet, but stays silent.

Euphorsyne picks up her goblet- "Finding joy underneath the darkness. Tulips in the snow."

The Dagda touches his goblet-him and Soteria look at each other. He looks back at me.

Soteria speaks up- "I will guide the protection."

The Dagda joins in- "And I am your accountability. We will meet more often than your sister wrote in the plan. We must see progress. We will let you work with your spirit guides to see clearly the goals to be reached by the end of the container."

With a blink of my eyes they were gone. It was just Roger and I at the conference table. We both got up and walked quietly through the door, back to my kitchen. Another deep sigh as I sit back down at the table.

I turn to Roger, "why didn't Caishen say anything?" I ask.

"He did", Roger replied. "You have some work to do in this area. He held up his goblet and said -Moving the stones of desire and fear open the creekbed to the flow of wealth and water.

You couldn't hear him." Roger says.

Meeting with OGs and GOATs

 I sit down at a kitchen table with Roger. 

"How does this work? where do I go for this meeting?" I ask. 

"There is a conference room. In your mind, that is a common meeting ground. Its through the door." He points to a door along the back wall that I thought went outside. 

"Do you come with me?" I ask.

"I am here," he points to his temple. "and I am here." he points to the chair. 

I take a deep breath and look down to see what I'm wearing. Its a grey business suit. with a pink blouse..lol

I open the door and step through the doorway. The door shuts behind me. I can see the floor, it is shiny with a single light over the conference table to the right of me. It is too dark to see the walls or see how big the room is.

I walk over to the conference table. It is oval with 4 chairs on either side and 1 chair at each end. 

I go and stand at the closest end of the table to me. 

I hear the thunder of horse hoofs coming towards me. A dark horse with a skeleton wearing a black cape, rides up to me. As the horse and skeleton rider stop, there is a swarm of black and purple butterflies that catch up to the rider. I see a few pink butterflies floating around too. 

"I am Itspapalotl." The skeleton woman says. "I shall have a seat as we await the arrival of the others."

Another horse gallops up. this one has no rider and the horse is a deep red. The horse turns into a woman with long red hair. 

"I am Aine." She says. She look to the Skeleton woman and nods, and takes a seat next to her. 

I hear an elephant bellow loudly but I don't see an elephant. A man walks out of the shadows. He is wearing a grey suit and a green shirt underneath the jacket. 

"Hello all, I am Ganesh." He nods towards me and the women, already seated. 

Three women walk out of the darkness together. One is wearing a long white gown, with black hair. 

"I am Euphrosyne" (Eh fro sin ee). 

One is wearing a white pantsuit and has a box of golden wine glasses with a golden snake carved on the stems. 

"I am Hygieia, I have brought a goblet for everyone," she says as she lifts the box of goblets up. 

The third woman is wearing a long purple dress, and has a flower wreath in her brown hair. 

"I am Soteria, It is a pleasure to meet with all of you." 

There is a pause as the three women sit down. In the distance we can hear crows cawing and a loud deep tiger roar. We also hear the sound of a sword dragging along the floor.  

A man steps out of the shadows dragging his large sword. Next to him is a black and gold striped tiger, and there is a swarm of crows flying around them. 

"I am The Dagda" says the man, in a deep booming voice, as he lifts his sword over his back, and slides it into its sheath. 

The black tiger turns into a man. "I am Caishen." He puts his hands to his sides and bows and then takes a seat. 

The crows continue to fly in circles until man appears and the crows disappear. "I am Erebus." 

The man standing before us is wearing all black, with dark skin. He makes a fist and places his arm across his chest and takes a long nod to the people at the table. He then walks over and quietly takes a seat. 

They all shift in their seats and turn towards me. I want to melt into the floor. I don't really know what to say. My throat feels dry. 

"Hi." I finally croak out. I wave to the table feeling like an idiot. "Um, so, thank you for all showing up. I am sure you have a very busy schedule, and to be honest I am surprised you received the invite AND were able to make it to this meeting." I hear a few chuckles coming from the table. 

The Skeleton woman raises her bones hand. "I have a question." 

"Yes, of course, go ahead." I reply. 

 "How can we help?" Skeleton woman says.

"Um, to be honest, at the moment I don't know. I was hoping you would know." I stutter out a reply. 

Skeleton woman laughs. "Well we have our work cut out for us." Everyone at the table laughs. 

"I joke," she says. "We will help you figure this out. Please tell us about this container."

"Ok, well it is a self led course my sister wrote the basics of the plan for, and I am to follow the guidelines." 

"What are your goals for the container?" asks Soteria.

"Well, I had written that I wanted seeds planted in the 12 realms. After my visit with Ginnie, I feel less settled in this." 

"Less settled about the seeds? or what the names of the realms are?" Soteria asks again.

"Um, maybe what the names are, sure. " I say hesitantly. 

"You will start all of the seeds." says Erebus. "They will be fruitful." he nods as he says this.

"I, as I am sure you all know, am struggling with the action part of all the things. The physical manifestation of what I dream, and think about is the hardest. Even as I sit here in front of all of you, I am not taking action." I say with a deep sigh. 

The Dagda stands up. "We are impressed by the group you have gathered here. We feel that the offerings you could provide will be helpful for many souls. These souls check in often for some, less frequent for others, but the ties that wrap around the fingers of earth are threaded through all the lifetimes. We are in a time of turmoil but with greatly heightened love and fortitude." He sits back down.

"There are many ways I can help." says Ganesh. "But my hints and clues are hidden and obscure at times. You will need to seek them out and feel into them. I will, during this container, offer clearer insight."

"We will decide the names of the 12 realms at a later time. we are in agreement there are 12." Says Hygieia. The table nods in agreement. 

"What is the focus within the container? "Asks Hygieia.

"Um, to move into alignment with my soul desire to work in an investigative capacity while providing above and beyond to my family and those around me." I respond.

"But beyond the investigative, is there more?" asks Aine. 

"I thought so." I reply. 

"But again I might need to narrow my scope? I understand what Ginnie was saying that trying to do so much different stuff keeps me away from the goal."

"Where is your soul currently?" asks Caishen.

"Um here with me?" I reply.

"Are you sure?" he asks.

"Well where else could my soul be? I am alive it must be with me. Right?"

"You question your souls location. To not be in alignment is to mean you are not centered with your soul, is it to mean your soul is not present. Is it elsewhere doing what you wish you are doing here on earth? That is not the process of the soul. We will seek different language to help understand alignment, and soul connection." 

"While the seeds are a solid plan, they are, as you have spoken of earlier, non tangible outside the written word." Says Itspapalotl. "We must seek early on tangible measurements of these seeds we are planting." 

"The first most tangible item we would like to see is exercise. It will help clear the mind and allow our words to flow through." 

The Dagda stands again.

"Caishen you will focus on clear language to understand the soul relationship.

Itspapalotl you will stay close and guide. 

Ganesh you will guide with clearer signs.

Erebus, Euphrosyne, Aine, Soteria, and Hygieia- please take some time to align with our next tasks. I will work with Roger and Grandma Bertha to help maintain focus." 

"Wait" I stand up. "Am I supposed to say more? Ask more?" 

"You can" The Dagda says, "but your mind whispered that it did not have more questions."

We shall meet again on Thursday."

I blinked and the table was empty. A black feather floated down and landed on the table. I turn around and walk out of the room. 

Chat with Roger

M.  Roooooger!!!!

R. Racqele! Im right here. Never far from you. 

"Roger, what am I doing wrong? I literally came home and took a nap. No exercise, no vitamins taken, no run, no walking, no money won, bedroom not done, no social media posts. WTF!! I am feeling useless. oh and no dinner made, and even though I was done at 4PM ITS 7PM AND NOTHING IS DONE!!

Please help me, send someone to help me, something. please."

"Racqele, please let us list together the things you did today.

Laundry, work, drove kids to store, drove son to school. visited with older son. took a nap, played on phone 

AND ITS ONLY 7PM! You ordered skates, and other items to move forward with the room.

Could you perform more? Sure." 

Roger shrugs. "But it is steps. Healthy eating, water, vitamins=websites, exercise, home renovation.

You reap the rewards of the efforts you sow. My dear.  What will you sow this evening?  Connection? Happy feelings? 

It will help you to find what you search for in thought Racquele"

"That is what I was hoping you could tell me." I reply dejectedly.

"If you had all the riches in the world right in this moment what would you be doing?" Roger asks.

"Not feeling guilty about not working harder to get more success...." as my voice trails off.

"Ahhhh my friend. You are feeling very hard towards yourself for the websites, job plan that is not moving at a pace you like, while you put all the energy into a job that brings you security. Let me prove to you that all it takes is small steps. Every week. In all the areas of your world. May, June July August. 4 Months. 80 lbs lost, running 2 miles, backyard done. Bedroom done, Cassius room done. And you my friend, writing every day. posting on You Tube and all 4 sites launched. Raquele they might not be making money yet. You will need to be ok, with this going slow." 

Onward we press.

Conversations with Roger April 16/17

 April 16

Roger: Good morning my friend!

ME good morning.

R: no no need to travel with me today, we can just chat here on the couch, no?

M: yes we can just stay here.

R: What is the want for today?

M: I don't have a want, I just want guidance and help.

R: of course my friend. How can I help?

M: I guess its time to try to reach my mom. I want to see her. and talk to her, but my sister says she is too far away. Can you hear her? Can you talk to her?

R: yes, I can hear her, and talk to her. 

M: Ok, so what do I do now?

R: well what do you want from her? Do you have questions?

M: I want to hear her like I hear you.

R: remember how quiet I was at first? Laura was able to give you access to hear me. We will need to travel, but not today. Please think of a couple of questions or things you want to say. It will help when we get there. We will work on bringing your mom closer over the course of the next year.

M: Why so much time? 

R: Your mom is planning on taking a seat at the table. We need to prepare accordingly. This next year will have many exciting things. We need to start writing them. and not like *motions to the page* like this. but in many ways. Photos, on paper, in front of others, and fiction non fiction, and travel writing. 

M: well this is exciting, what if don't do it right? 

R: the exciting things will happen regardless. it will just be you choosing to participate or not.

M: What first?

R: lol, you heard the answer before you could even type it. He laughed out loud

M: ok so health and exercise?

R: and active participation in all of the things.

M: ok,  I will start doing the exercises that my mom used to do every day. as a start. and I have everything to start a diet. 

R: remember not a diet, new chapter, new life, new plan, different timeline. Your mom is no longer on this current timeline. At all. You will need to be actively in the new timeline to truly connect with her.

M: ok new healthy eating plan. New life plan. How often should I check in? Should I always type our conversations?

R: yes, it is important to have ALL of the dialogue documented to review at later times. You always wanted a Mildred. Plus you will hopefully get better at typing...lol

M: true, ok I will find the exercise list and review the new eating healthy plan. Can  I have a bagel today though?

R: lol, I am not your boss.

M: What is coming up about my sister? If I did not call her 3 times a week for last 2 years would we have the relationship we do? Is it real? Why does she feel like she needs to help me or support me, help me be seen? 

R:You are correct Racqele, your relationship would not be the same, but not without regret. She has not the time nor capacity to feed the energy to reach to you as you do to her. This is your gift. It is felt and in wanting to acknowledge is the want to *help. You have gifted her with being seen and cared for. On a consistent basis. You have helped, and you do not need praises of such. 

April 17

ME: Are you there?  Helooooo...

R: Yes maam,  I am here, Now I'm really here.

M: What was I supposed to do today? Did I fail at my first day on my new timeline?

R: Let us review. We spent time discussing some things. No Clean, No exercise. But the plan for tomorrow is in place?

M: No not really. I downloaded a Couch to 5k app. 

R: let us talk about what we need to shift. 1. Energy 2. Time. If you do not have one the other is challenging. let us start taking vitamins and documenting energy levels/ability to finish tasks. 5AM tomorrow. we will stretch, and take vitamins, and please plan on managing your calories tomorrow. 

M: ok, anything else? 

R: We must review foods and money to prepare for these large changes coming. 

M: Ok, I will know more tomorrow about pay schedules and on call weekends. 

R: there is something bothering you about your money plan.

M:  I just worry that I am feeding into a system that I hate and creating more waste and just stuff for people to consume. without being truly truthful about the products. Idk how to reconcile that. 

R; Hmmm, this is a good observation. It does not feel great to see others that succeed in the same way?

M: Idk, yes a little, but the ones I feel really great about are the ones that are really helping. 

R: please inform me of which ones you have seen recently that feel enthusiastically good. 

M: Non profit, articles that really help, researched articles. 

R: You must practice the writing language before you get too wrapped up into the Capitalism of it. You have not made any money yet. After you have made 10000 dollars you can sit down and review the parts you like and don't like. Until then it is the action that holds the energy not the end result. You might write 1000 articles before you get a sale. So the topics and products do not really carry weight. Only in your mind. If you are not feeling well about it I would presume first that it is discomfort of action before principal. You have the goal and energy to help people. When you create the platform the help will be extended. First we build. You have Business, travel, spirit, home. Plus the dark and the light Investigate/ art/humor/mugs for creating things.

Onward we press.

Lunch with Mom

 I sit down on my couch ready to talk to Roger.

"Ok, Roger what am I supposed to do? I am so tired and my feet hurt really bad today." 

"Oh My friend Racqele. Here is the plan tomorrow. Take vitamins in the morning, drink water. and when you get home, chart, put lights in. On Saturday work on CAC website." 

NEXT NIGHT

"Hiiiiii Roger. I did not work on CAC website today. Ugh, no vitamins, no water. I did chart today......God I feel so fucking useless."

"Racqele please focus and listen. Are you listening?"

"Ok, yes, I am listening." I say sullenly.

"Racqele, today we talk to your mom. It is the anniversary of her death you know."

"Yes I know." I said quietly.

"Racqele, you have deep sadness seeping through you. Much loss that has not been felt. Please know that starting tomorrow you will have a new energy. Your mom will be here. She is taking a seat at the table. She will be guiding you with energy to get you to your goals past the screens. Please remember that you are allowed to ignore the energy. But if you choose to respond to it, you will feel the guidance and energy. Let us go speak with her my friend."

"OK, lets go" I reply.

We both get up and walk down the stairs through the heavy door. The blue light train is already flying through the station. We walk right up and hop on the train. I have never ridden the train with Roger before. 

"This is where we go my friend." He says.

We step off to the left. I am expecting to see the grassy area where I met with Grandma Bertha. But no. We are standing in front of the coffee place that used to be called Avalon in Mt Shasta. I see my mom sitting at the bench writing in her notebook. 

I look up at Roger. "Is this right?" I ask. 

"I thought my mom could not take the form of her old self?"

"She is manipulating energy. You have met her in the light so you now recognize her energy. you add the rest and she is able to adapt to your memory. Let us go talk to her, shall we?"

"Ok," I respond.

We walk through the wooden gate and walk up to the bench. 

"Hi Mom, we are here" I say. 

"Hi, There she is, you made it. have a seat! Its good to see you!" My mom said enthusiastically.  

I try to think back and remember if my mom would say my name when she saw me and greeted me.  I don't think she did. 

Roger and I sit down opposite my mom at the picnic bench. My mom's shirt keeps changing and the cigarette she is smoking keeps appearing and disappearing. 

"Racqele  you need to pick a shirt for your mom."

"OK black and white checkers is it." I reply.

"Smoking or no?" Roger asks quietly.

"Mmmm, yes. It gives her hands something to do."

I look across the table and see my mom sitting right in front of me. smiling and smoking. She has her lists and a notebook. Ready to collaborate with me. Our favorite past time. 

"So I brought your chart and the geometry cards today so we can look at those. I'm writing a list of everything I want to get done this week. Mostly writing my book. Though you will most likely finish it after I am gone. It is too much for me to do in one lifetime." Mom says.

"Don't talk like that mom, you will finish your book, I will help." I respond. Forgetting she has already passed away and her book is not done.

"What do you have planned for this week?" She asks.

"I need to start a ton of good habits this week. Start exercising, eating healthy, showering daily."

You didn't used to have a problem with that last one. what happened?" 

"I don't know, I just struggle with it now." I say dejectedly.

"Don't let my energy from here grab onto you. It wasn't supposed to. Did you pick it up after I put it down?" 

"Um where did you put it down?" I ask.

"I buried them in the woods." Mom says. 

"I did unbury a box with a bunch of stuff in it. they were pretty heavy." 

"We are going to need to review those and find homes for them. They are just clutter." 

"Ok we can do that." I reply.

"Do you have them with you today? Mom asks.

"No I left them somewhere maybe in the house. I will need to look for them. I can bring them next time though." 

My mom opened the notebook in front of her and took a drag of her cigarette. 

"Well I reviewed your chart, and as you move out of Aries and into Taurus your energy will match that strength. It is a great time to start your new habits. The first few weeks will be challenging, and feel somewhat exhausting. Your Leo moon will solidify it. Its important to hold out until then." She explains.

"OK well that is promising."  

She continues "There is a planet transiting that says write, write write. A little everyday." 

"About what?" I ask.

"It doesn't really matter. It will all come together later." She says. 

"OK. Shower, eat healthy, write, and exercise every day from here until forever. Got it." I say somewhat sarcastically.

"Yes" she says as she chuckles.

My mom starts to flicker in and out like the reception is on the fritz. I turn to Roger. "What is happening here? Why is she flickering?" I ask.

"The focus takes energy. It fades a little after a bit. This is good. You can come here anytime to talk to mom." Roger explains. 

"Ok, I will start first thing tomorrow."

Second attempt to find mom

 Today is the day to try talking to my mom again. I take a deep breath and try to imagine what it would be like if she was alive right now. What advice would she be able to give? What would she not know? What could she know if she wasn't walking on this earth anymore? 

Before my mom passed and after she has been diagnosed with terminal cancer with very little time to live, we were driving in the car and my mom turned to me and asked me: "Is there anything I can do for you after I die? I am not leaving you with very much." I thought for a moment and half jokingly I said, "Well can you let me know some winning lotto numbers? I don't really care if you give me the numbers or fix the lotto balls to match what I picked." She laughed and said "you got it, I can do that"

It is one of the only strong memories that I have of her during that time frame. There was a lot of stress and life happening and I feel like everything else just blurred together.

Since that time, I have not had mom show up easily and identifiably yet. My sister who talks to dead people has said that she cant identify mom and feels she is really far out in the ether's and cannot connect with her very well. This made me lose hope for a long time that I would ever feel my mom close to me after death. She was the only person I was ok with haunting me. I reached out to a friend that also talks to spirits and asked if my mom was indeed too far away to reach. My friend said she could feel my mom right away, it was just that she didn't maintain the physical form after death. So for people like me who look for the identifiable markers of recognizable traits to help identify who I am talking to there isn't much to go on.

I attempted to find her with the help of my great grandma Bertha. While I was able to feel her for a moment it was very brief and not very tangible. Not that I need to win the lottery, I don't even buy lotto tickets. I just want this or some simile of it to help heal me and the energy that mom left behind. 

I am asking Grandma Bertha to lead me to her again. today and see if I can get more help, comfort or anything that feels like it.

I get up off the couch and walk down the stairs in the kitchen. I open the heavy door at the bottom of the stairs  and step onto the train platform. The leaves are starting to show on the trees and there are still flower petals everywhere. The air is warm and there is natural light shining on the platform. I walk forward to the edge of the platform and stand there waiting for the train to arrive. I feel the rumble under my feet and whoosh! the train blows through the station. I reach out and step onto the train. I float along in the train for a moment until I step off the other side of the train. Grandma Bertha is waiting for me on the grass. 

"Hello my dear, it is good to see you." She continues to talk as we walk to the cabin. "How are you doing? It has been a week since we spoke. We had talked about checking in more regularly, my dear. It will help your focus." 

We get to the porch and I see Roger is sitting in a rocking chair. There are still two more chairs there. 

"Roger!" I exclaim. "I normally do not see you. What are you doing here?"

"Racquele I am here to see you and check in as well. You have not spoken to us all week. You had your Uncle die this week. we have felt the compartment being created."

I take a deep breath. "Yes he did."

"What day?" asked Roger. 

I thought for a moment as guilt started to rise up. "I think it was Wed night. April 20th"

"Did you provide yourself a safe place to sit and mourn?"

"No, I did not really do anything." 

"We will find time to sit in silence and be alone." Roger says. "Next weekend please plan a morning away from home. Today we are both going to walk with you to see if we can find your mom." 

We all stand up and walk down the steps of the cabin. We walk around the building, and start walking towards the apple orchard.

We step into the orchard and all of the blossoms light up. 

"She is here" says Grandma Bertha. 

We continue to walk deeper into the orchard. I look around at all the trees towering over me. All of the trees all lined up perfectly. 

I felt Roger grip my arm. 

"Here we stop" he says. 

I see a ball of white light start forming in front of me. Out of the white light a fight steps out. It is so bright I can barely see. "Hi Rachel"

I hear my moms voice and the figure in front of me waves. I can only see the dark hair, but cant see a face or a body. 

"Mom is that really you?"  I ask. It actually sounds like you."

"Well I am trying to find a way for you to recognize me until you get better at this. So I picked the voice. she starts to sing the "Casons Go Rolling Along" song. 

I laugh. "You always sang that song." 

"Yes, its hard because I let all of the ties go. except the ties to the people I loved while on earth. Hopefully I can hold onto the this sound for a while." 

As I listen to my mom talk I can hear the voice change in and out of sounding like mom.

"You have a question? that is why you are here. Right?"

"Well yes, and because I miss you, and do not feel connected to you at all." 

"You are getting closer to that. It takes time." The voice says.

"Ask her the questions my dear," I hear Grandma Bertha say with a little nudge of her elbow to my side.

"Ok, here are my questions if you can answer them great if not its ok. Are you able to help me win the lotto?"

"Are you buying the tickets yet?" The voice of mom asks.

"Not recently, but I will this week. Do I need to come here and get numbers? Will you just guide the balls to the numbers? Will this even work?"

"I will do what I can. I cannot manipulate the physical earth, so I will try to guide you to pick the correct numbers."

"I felt tiredness sweeping over my body. I look over at Roger. Should I lay down?" I ask.

"For a few moments sure," Roger says. "We will wait here until you awake."

(20 real minutes later after a short nap)

"Hi, I'm here now. I feel better. Thank you  everyone for waiting for me." 

I look around and see that Grandma Bertha, Roger and the bright light, with a figure in front of it, are all still standing right where they were when I left them.

"Mom, please help in any way you can. I need help navigating this financial area. I need to be able to lift us out of this financial cycle of barely making it. I need help. I need help moving past this depression. What do I do?" 

"Help me define the financial area Rachel. I'm sorry I'm struggling to keep my voice matching with my earth self."

"Ok, I want large amounts of money coming in monthly with little work/energy needed. I want to be able to work from anywhere so I can travel as I see fit. Help Michelle, help Ginnie, Help DeDe."

"Hmmm ok, I will review and let you know what I come up with."

"Are you taking vitamins? supplements?" The voice asks.

"No." I answer.

"Rachel you are not going to be your dad. It will help you take a step forward. It will not fix it." 

"How do I fix it?"

"Through a series of steps. Including coming here to talk things out with all of us." 

"Ok, How long will it take?" 

"If you start now by the end of summer you will feel like a whole different person."

"Ok can we go back to the whole financials Mom? You and dad left us with so little, we are struggling. Michelle is struggling. We don't want to be like you and dad were during the last 30 years of your life. How do we break this cycle? What do we do different? Can you help? Can dad help us?

What should I do?" 

"Well Rachel, you have a plan laid out. Do you not feel it will work? Is it too much?" 

"I don't know mom. I just need to spend my energy on something that will work. If that isn't it then I don't want to do it." 

"Its not really that though is it?" The voice asks. 

"I guess I have not been feeling motivated to work on them." 

"Well you have a lot going on, and you have not been feeling well mentally. I think we should not panic about the websites not working. We need to take time to get through a few other things at the same time. New job, mental health, lifestyle changes, and house remodel. We are doing  a little of each one. None of them are going to show great results instantly. let me sit with it for a little longer."

"I have run out of time tonight mom. I gotta go. I love you." 

I motion for Roger and Grandma Bertha to start walking back. I can see the ball of light fade to nothing. we walk all the way to the train and I come home. Climb the stairs and back to the couch.

Finding Mom

 I take a deep breath as I prepare for my journey with Grandma Bertha. She is confident that she can lead me to my mom so I can talk to her.

I walk down the stairs and open the heavy door at the bottom. The train platform is calm and warm with the sweet smell of honeysuckle. I take a deep breath in smelling the sweetness. I then step up to the edge of the platform and the white and blue light whooshes by at the same time I feel the rumble of its arrival. I step into the train and pause for a moment. I stick my hand out on the other side and before I feel grandma Bertha's hand I step off. She is standing there, arm outstretched. 

She chuckles, "so you are getting better at this my dear." 

She turns and starts walking towards the cabin before I have a chance to respond. I follow her to the porch and we both take our places in the rocking chairs. I am not really sure what to say so I just move my foot up and down and rock in the chair.

 Grandma Bertha chuckles again. "Do you not speak today my dear?" 

"Oh, I am sorry." I reply. "I am a little nervous today." 

"There is no need. are you ready to go look for your mom?"

"Yes," I say with a sigh. "What am I looking for exactly?"

"Well let us get up and explore and I will see if I can explain well enough. It might not be today, but we will look."

"Is my mom lost is that why we have to look for her?" I ask.

"No your mom just does not look like me and you. and you have not connected to people in energy or angel form. I do not know if you will be able to see her. but we shall try. Let us go."

 We get up off the porch and walk to the left. 

"We shall go straight back from the cabin and walk through the field and into the apple orchard." Says Grandma Bertha.

As we step away from the cabin for the first time I see the rows of flowering apple trees with rows and rows of trees.

"Please focus on each step for now. and the grass brushing against your legs and the feel of the sun on your forehead and face. The feel of the slight breeze pulling your hair away from your neck." Grandma says as we walk.

We stop at the entrance to the orchard. The flowers glow with white light barely discernible with the sun shining,

"Are those my mom?" I ask. 

"No, that is the energy in the flowers. It is good that you can see that." Grandma says.

I look at the tree trunks the have orange and red and white light flowing up the trunks now.

"What is that?" I ask.

"Their life force." Grandma replies matter-of-factly.

We step further into the orchard. I can feel the shade of the trees and the slightly cooler temperature of the orchard. There is still grass on the ground but not as high. A dog goes running through the field in front of us. 

"Is that my mom?" I ask, feeling like that book for little kids.

Grandma Bertha laughs and says no.

As we approach what feels like the middle of the field, there is a white ball of light. We both stop in front of it.

"This is her?" I ask.

"Yes this is your mom." Grandma says quietly. 

"Well she is fairly easy to see. She is showing up extra bright for you." Grandma says with a smile.

"I miss her." I say with my throat catching as I say it. I hear what feels like a faint voice in my head say "I love you."

But it honestly feels like it is my own thoughts.

"Mom, can you talk to me?" I ask. 

"Not in the way you are used to." I hear, faintly. like a whisper through the trees. 

"Can you show me how?" I ask.

"Not at this time, but you can come here to the apple orchard. You seem to hear me now."

Poof the white ball of light is gone.

I turn to Grandma Bertha and ask, "where did she go?"

"She is back to being an angel you will get better at this my dear. remember those things you dug up so long ago with your sister? They are still important and we will explore them. You have much careful planning to do, with follow up of action steps."

"Ugh, Grandma it is so hard not to just let myself be distracted by social media." I say dejectedly. 

"You must find a way to nurture the part that wants to be distracted."

"What part is that? I don't even know. I just feel frozen." I explain.

"You are feeling neglected. the most difficult part is that you are doing it to yourself.  you cannot shift everything over night. It is step by step. Your steps these last 4 days have done well. It is very important to take steps every day, but not all of the steps in one day. Please take some time tonight to complete your new work tasks and plan out the rest of this week. With measurable steps. Roger and I are here to help as you allow us to. Let us get you back home, my dear." 

Finding Grandma Bertha

 Time to talk to Grandma Bertha.

Deep breath. Currently sitting on the couch with my feet up typing this out on my computer. Becoming aware of my heartburn. 

Heart starts to beat a little faster. Maybe I should bring Roger with me. Feeling a little dizzy now. It is time. Kids dad just got back with groceries. 

(gets distracted for a little bit.)

Back to writing, attempting to focus, kids talking.

Focus, deep breath. just kidding I cant breathe with this smell in here.

(More time goes by) 

Ok, i'm gonna try again.

(A little while later)

The smell is dissipating a little. Now I will retry this. Ugh...it is hard when people are around to concentrate.

Deep breath.

(SEVERAL HOURS LATER!)

Finally hours later silence in the house, generic background noise playing on the tv. 

Sigh. It should not be this hard to focus. I get up from the couch open the door to the train station. walk down the stairs. 

(Distracted again for another 15 minutes)

 Continue to walk down the stairs and pull open the door slowly. I step onto the platform and let the door swing shut behind me. I stand there for a long time, paused in space and time. 

(Another interruption)

Anyway, back to the train platform. Deep breath. The Spring flowers are still dropping petals, and the warm breeze still pulls the air around me. I step up to the platform waiting for the blue time travel train to arrive. I can feel the rumble under my feet before I can feel the breeze pick up. With a loud whoosh the blue and white train is rushing through the station. 

I think out loud to myself, "ok, Grandma Bertha you wanted me to come visit you , here I come."

 I close my eyes and reach my hand out in front of me. As soon as the tips of my fingers touch the blue I am pulled into the train and am now floating in the train. I wonder where I am supposed to get off the train. I close my eyes and reach out my hand to the left of me. I feel a hand grasp mine and I immediately stop. I open my eyes. I am standing on a dirt path with open Fields all around me. Grandma Bertha is standing in front of me smiling. There is a wooden cabin a ways behind her. 

"Rachel you are here. You arrived sooner than I thought you would. I figured it would take you a few days."

"Yes I am here. I should have been here yesterday." I say with a chuckle.

Grandma Bertha turns away and starts walking towards the cabin. There are two rocking chairs on the porch. We walk up the stairs and we both take a seat in the rockers.

"Why am I here, Grandma?" I ask.

"I need to be sure you are listening my dear." 

"Listening to what?" I ask.

"Listening to your mother, me, Roger, and Heartsong." 

"Ok, what am I supposed to be hearing?" 

"Let us take a moment to reflect, shall we?" says Grandma Bertha.

"Sure." I reply.

"42 years, 6 cycles. To be completed in October. Circles within other circles. 7 years of writing, which you saw and noted. what other cycles can you think of my dear?"

"Umm,  6 years since  I moved, 3 years since mom died. She would be 80 this year. Um I don't know,  I can't think of others. Why?"  I ask.

"Well my dear it is important to know the past circles to better see the future circles. You have many goals, and some require bigger circles than others. They cannot all follow the same timelines. It is important to see where the lines cross. you also have many gardens to tend, my dear. Things do not grow without time and energy."

"Ok, Grandma, I hear you, but which things are circles and what things are gardening?"

"The earth and the stars are able to be seen and felt at the same time by everyone." Grandma Bertha says. 

"Ugh ok, I know that I have not been active enough in *doing stuff* around the house, with the kids. Is this what you are talking about?"

Grandma Bertha sighs. "My dear I am not angry with you. Please know we are here to help you."

"How can you help?"" I ask.

"Ahh, that is why we are here my dear.

Every morning you can come here and chat with me. we can figure out what needs to be done, And I will offer ways I can help. It will be you who decides if it is helpful or not. Check in with Roger at night if that helps. He will also offer suggestions and ways he can help. In your mind you can see it, now you must physically create it. all of it. it will heal your soul. your soul does not heal first. It is in the action that you find peace. Not before or after. But you must see and understand the circles, and tend the garden."

"It feels like a lot Grandma. I need to learn more and more and earn more and more, It is never enough." I say dejectedly.

"It is you that deserves more my dear. and while it often feels empty to be the one providing your own needs it is important to know that you already know your worth. and you know you can, and will do more. Your soul deserves to feel the love of being seen and heard."

"Remember the healing is in all of the action. not just the thoughts. I will leave you to enjoy the view and rest for a little. Please come see me tomorrow."

I watch Grandma Bertha get up and walk off the porch and disappear into the sunlight. I close my eyes and feel the warm sun and breeze blow over me. It is so quiet out here. 

I get it. The part of me that refuses to move, refuses to create action is afraid. I don't know what of at this point. Maybe change. I sit back into the rocker and gently rock back and forth. Happy to not be sitting in fear at the moment. Is change that scary? Is my fear of failure that strong? my lack of trust to be able to re-create the small success I have created? I feel like it took me 40 years to get here at this moment, and I don't have another 40 years to re-create exactly this. The weight of failing to create security for my kids leaves me with sheer panic. Anything to not jeopardize the current security they have right now. The feeling of being selfish for wanting more, for thinking beyond the kiddos. This feeling leaves me frozen unable to do anything. even the things I need to keep my physical and mental health good. Thinking out loud I say to myself, "I will try to draw out the circles and see what comes up." 

NEXT DAY

Let me go find grandma Bertha and talk to her.

I swing the door open and trot down the stairs. Fling the heavy door open and step onto the train platform. The train arrives quickly. I confidently stick my hand out in front of me, and step into the train. I take a deep breath and hold my hand out to my side. Still unsure where I am supposed to find Grandma Bertha. I feel her hand and I am pulled from the train. We are back at her wooden cabin. Sunny quiet, peaceful. 

"Hi Grandma, I did what you asked. I made some circle diagrams. can we talk about them?"

Grandma Bertha laughs, "of course! Let us go sit down first." We walk up the porch and I sit in the same rocker as yesterday. 

"Tell me more about your drawings my dear."

"Ok will I drew out the time lines that I could think of. and I found patterns in the 5s and 7s."

"Were you able to extend any into the future? Not really only the LVN one that looks like it will be 2 cycles instead of 1."

"Tell me dear, if you could know anything from the future, what would it be?"

"Ummm, lotto numbers?"

"What else my dear?"

"Will I feel happy?, Will I fall in love? will I ever do investigative work?, Will I have the financial success I dream of? Will I lose weight? Will I finish my house? Will I move to Italy, or somewhere else?"

Grandma Bertha sat silent for awhile as thoughts and judgments whirled around in my head.

She turned to me and finally said: "Yes my dear IF those are your true desires. Let us work through them. 

1st: Feel happy..of course. your soul is starting to lighten the load and the actions are going to light it more. 

2nd: yes when you are ready, when he is ready. When? I do not know at this time. We can chat about this particular one in a separate time. 

3rd: There is nothing stopping you but energy, distraction, and action. two of those will create the third.

4th: we shall see. The actions are important. CAN you? Yes. The dreams of what that looks like should be harnessed, noted and then realized.

5th: Yes, again the actions are there. We will get there. I see you heard all of my and Rogers promptings this morning.

6th: of course. This takes time and....action my dear. And money of course. Focus on the steps, you are doing great.

7th: You will live in all the places that you dream of. Even if only for 6 months. 1 year. regardless of financial "success". No fretting. You will have this.

How can I help you today? On this day my dear?"

"Can you ask my mom how she is? I cant see her or hear her. I miss her deeply, and want to feel like she is close when I know she isn't." 

"Your mother is well. She is healing from the life and cross over. She is wanting to connect, but is still very quiet. She also understands the duality of you and your sister. You want to connect and not have it seen or heard by your sister. Her intuition is strong and she connects beyond a level of most. We will need to revisit this later my dear. Please spend a little time with Roger today to help with the weekend."

I look over and Grandma Bertha is already disappeared from the rocking chair. I stand up and am instantly sitting in my living room again.

After talking to Grandma, I realized that I have felt abandoned yet again by mom even in death. I had thought I would feel her close to me, and if anyone was going to appear it would be her. I am angry that I haven't felt her. 

The Field of Screens Part 1

Conversation with Roger:

Him: "Hello Racqele"

He still has his Italian accent, and says my name in Italian.

Me: "Hi Roger, how are you?"

Him: "I am as good as you." He says with a chuckle.

Me: "Sorry it has been so long since I checked in."

Him: "it has been busy, you have been listening well without need to interrupt."

ME: "Last time I wrote our conversation  down, we were going to start navigating through the field of screens. Did we do that?"

Him: "Oh yes, the Field of Screens. Let us review the path to see where we are. Come with me."

ME: I get up off the couch and follow him down the stairs in the kitchen. We stand on the train platform again. It is no longer Fall in the train station. It is Spring with pink flower petals swirling around. It feels warm and smells like honeysuckle. 

"This is different." I say to Roger. As I am looking around. "It has always been fall when I am here."

"Yes," he says wistfully as he stands here with his hands in his pockets. "This is nice for you to be here at a different time. It is good for the soul. The train is coming are you ready to go?"

"Yes, yes I am."  I say, as I turn towards the tracks.

The blue and white light can be seen glowing in the distance down the track. And before I can soak in the feeling it is here, zooming through the station. 

"Let us go now Racqele," says Roger as he holds his hand for me to hold on to.

We step into the zooming light and off we go. I never stood in the blue light train before, but this time we paused. It feels like water without the wetness. it is thick but not constrictive. 

Roger turns to the left side of the train and steps off, pulling me with him.

We are standing at the edge of a grassy knoll. It is warm and sunny outside. 

"Let us go" he says again and starts walking away from the train. As we crest over the knoll we can see there is a valley down the hill in front of us. the field is filled with the screens. all with pictures or images on them like short movies or picture slides.

We walk until we are in front of the first row. 

"Can you see the images clearly on the screen?" Roger asks.

"No," I reply. "They are very bright. I can see the colors. But that is all."

"It is OK, please close your eyes," Roger says. I sigh, "OK" I respond, and close my eyes. 

"What color did you see before you closed your eyes?" he asked. "Dark Pink," I reply. "With some white rounded lines."

I can feel him pull me over a few feet until we are standing in front of different ones in the same row.

 "I want you to open your eyes and then close them again and tell me what colors you see," Roger says.

I open my eyes and see a dark green green color with the same white rounded lines. I close them again and we move further down. 

"Open them again," says Roger. I open them again and I see static. 

"This is good," says Roger. "You can keep them open now. We will go back to the ones you can see the colors."

We walk back down and stand there looking up at the big screens.

"What can you see?" I ask Roger.

"I see turmoil, money and happiness. Usually work, home and family. and not in that order all the time. 

Let us step into the Field of Screens and go to the next row," Roger says.

We walk past the first row of screens until we are standing at the next row. 

I see all dark muted colors. Brown, blue, maroon. All matte like colors. I tell Roger this.

"Oh yes," he says. "Turmoil again. we shall continue."

"These next few rows are all muted colors. We shall continue through." Roger says.

I look at all the screens as we slowly walk through the field. I can see the colors changing as the images flash on the screen. I need more practice to be able to see things more clearly when I am with Roger.

We are about half way through the field and we stop.

"This is where we are in the field," Roger says. 

"What do I need to do to finish the Field of Screens?" I ask.

He waves his hand in the air. "There is time that needs to pass, and things that need to be completed to continue."

"Like what?" I ask. 

"Well, Racqele you cannot see the screens. we come here more and practice and we will move faster through the screens."

"What happens after the screens?" I ask.

"When you spoke to your Soul, she told you, that is where a new journey begins with another soul. Maybe a boat ride across a lake, or a swim in the water. Or a picnic where you both pause and enjoy the view."

Roger points to my left and waves. there is a woman walking towards us in a long lightweight dress, with her hair in a bun. 

"Hello Rachel, how are you my dear?"

She sounds like my Aunt Arloa. I met her before, it is my Grandma Bertha. 

"Hi Grandma, I am good," I reply. 

"You always have so many questions, but never want to hear the answers." She laughs as she says this.

"Yes, I want to know everything that is going to happen until I can, then I don't want to know." I chuckle as I say it, knowing how silly it sounds. 

"You can ask questions if you have any right now," she says.

A thought flutters through my head, but I don't say it.

She laughs..."yes, you will. If that is a decision you make." 

I didn't even say anything. I say.

"You do not need to." she replies.

"Should I?" I ask aloud, as a follow up to the first unspoken question.

Be so busy you don't have time to question it. Grandma Bertha says.

"Fill you day from sunrise to Sunset, with activity." "This", she motions to the screens "is not of your phone or computer. You built this to help you see more clearly."

"Do all the things you need to, to make sure Roger and I are right there. You keep us away, my dear. Heartstrong too. You have learned well that our help, and guidance does not guarantee perfection, or absence of sadness or loneliness. But if you allow us to lift you up, you will feel the extra strength and guidance we can provide."

"Thank you Grandma." I say quietly. 

"Can I really do all of the things I want?" I ask, little incredulous. 

"Yes, all of them." Grandma Bertha says. "IF you keep your mind body and soul healthy."

"Come talk to me tonight. Let us help you align with what you need to be able to get what you want."

Before I could respond again she was gone. 

I turn to Roger and look at him. "What do we do now?" I ask. 

"Well we are in the beautiful Italian countryside. would you like to see the town?"

Before I can respond we are standing on a cobblestone road in front of a small Italian looking restaurant. I stand in the middle of the roadway and swirl slowly around soaking in the sights all around me. 

"I love it." I whisper.

I turn to Roger. "What do I need to work on?" I ask. 

Trust. Roger says.