Freedom

I drop my keys on the desk. This is it, this moment has been a long time coming.

The last six months I have been working tirelessly on my websites. Everything feels so synchronistic. I checked my bank account this morning before I left work. I made more money last month than the previous six months combined. When I get to work my boss calls me into her office. The paper is sitting there. I already know that she is trying to discipline me for something unnecessary. She is rattling on about something, I'm not listening. My mind is calculating the things I will lose today. My heart is calculating what I will gain today. I had imagined I would do both jobs for a few years. I would create a secure, stable income from the websites first. Now I am standing here on the precipice of change, the brink of freedom.
I think about all of the tasks I am supposed to complete today. I think about the way people are going to react about my decision. I think about the people that are going to judge me, and the people that are going to feel like I am leaving them behind. I start to feel a twinge of doubt. My mind starts to convince me to pick the keys back up again.
I look at my boss, she has stopped talking, and is staring at me, waiting for me to respond to a question I did not hear. "I don't know" I answer, unsure if that will answer sufficiently. I start to feel panicked. I cant decide which way to go. My mind is screaming at me to make it work, to take my time, to plan it out. My heart is whispering at me to take the leap.
 I think to myself "jeez universe, help me out here". My phone dings. I turn the phone over and read the text. A call off for PM, another ding before I can even look away. A full time person just quit. My mind starts to wander to the schedule. Who is going to take of these people tonight? Who is going to find coverage? The phone dings again. Another call off. "OK universe, I get the message, no more call offs" I think to myself.
I look back at my boss, she is still rattling on about some report and how she is sure she told me about it.
I take a deep breath. I look at my phone. I delete the texts, I clear the call history, and I lock the phone. I set it on the table next to my keys.
She hands me the write up, mumbling the usual "please read and sign". I take it from her, and turn the paper over. I scribble my official statement noting that I quit, as of today. I know I am forfeiting my PTO. I don't care anymore. I turn to my boss, and hand her the paper.
"Good luck, you had two staff members call off tonight and two are quitting as of right now."
She stares at the paper as I turn and walk out the door.
As I step out into the sunshine, I finally realize what freedom felt like.

At The Movies

My friend set me up with a blind date. I'm not sure why I agreed, but I did. As I stood outside of the movie theatre my mind was racing with excuses on how to get out of the date, excuses how to leave early, and a thousand critiques of my flaws thus giving him a reason to leave early. I heaved a deep sigh as I checked my phone again.

I was standing outside the theatre waiting for him to arrive. I knew he would be wearing a blue shirt, but other than that, my friend didn't want to tell me anything else. It felt like everyone was wearing blue that day.

A movie attendant came out of the building and walked up to me. "Are you Rachel?" She asked.
"Yes" I replied. Instantly thinking he had called the theatre and cancelled.
"Your date is already in the theatre." She smiled, "Follow me" she said, as she turned around and headed back into the theatre.

I followed her in the main doors, and to my surprise we continued down the hall to a theatre. She pulled the door open and we walked up the ramp into the room. There was already something playing on the screen, but I couldn't tell if it was a movie or an advertisement. The theatre was empty with the exception of a man in a blue shirt in the middle of the sea of seats. I turned to say thank you to the attendant, but she was already gone.

Well, I thought, this it, I'm either in, or, I'm out. I walked up the stairs to the row he was sitting in and walked down to the seat next to him and sat down. The movie that was playing was dark and I couldn't see his face very well.

"Hi" he said. "You can call me what ever name you like, I am from the future and I cant tell you my real name."
I looked over at him as the lights changed again so I couldn't see his features.
"Why are you coming to see me here?" I asked. "Do I know you in the future?"
He laughed, "Of course you do. I wouldn't be here with you if we didn't know each other in the future."

"Why are you here?" I asked again.
"I came back because I didn't want you to doubt. In the future you talk a lot about this time in your life. That you doubt in your self of creating the life you want. You talk about how you don't think you will meet me. I just want to ease the doubt."
I sat quiet for a minute. "Yes I do have doubts, I cant see it, so it feels impossible. The life I want, the love I want." I looked down at my hands. " I feel lost most days, and some days, stuck. Most days i am not lonely, but when I do feel it, it lays on me like a heavy blanket."

"We build the life together. That is why it is so hard for you to imagine what we create. You cant read a mind you haven't met yet." He said quietly.

"When do I meet you?" I asked.
He laughed again, "you know I cant tell you that, it will screw up the timeline. You are the one who taught me that!"
"Why did we meet here at the theatre?"
"We met here because I wanted to show you some movies. These are parts of our lives that we have created. Just me coming here will alter some things in our timeline, but nothing drastic. These videos are parts that don't change. Are you ready to watch them?" He sat silently staring at me waiting for me to answer.
I sat in bewilderment for a few moments. I looked up at the screen, and noticed it was paused. I look over at him, "Ok, I am ready" I replied with a smile. I sat back in my seat, and faced the movie screen, as he hit play on the movie of our future life.

As the movie ended, I felt a pang of sadness in my chest, and it rose into my throat. "Its perfect." I said quietly, as a tear rolled down my cheek. He gently wiped the tear away.
 "Yes, and it is ours" he replied softly. "I don't learn how to time travel until after I meet you, you will have to find me. I am sorry for that." His voiced cracked. I looked up at him to see he had tears rolling down his cheeks too.
"What should I be doing now? Is there something I can be doing more of to meet you sooner?" I asked.
"Honestly, I don't know." He replied. "I don't want to mess up the timeline. My time is up to be here with you, I have to go, I'm sorry."
 He wiped his tears away and stood up and walked away. Before he reached the door of the theatre he disappeared. I stood up and walked out of the theatre, and out into the sunlight. I looked back at the theatre, and as I was about to turn and walk to my car a man approached me.
 "Hi, are you Rachel? I'm Ted, your blind date!"

Dig Deeper

"Dig Deeper" She said.

"I don't know how much further I can go" I replied, as I lifted another shovel full of dirt out of a gaping hole in the ground. 

It was dark out, it was the darkest out. There was no moon, a heavy layer of clouds blocking the light of the stars, and we were hundreds of miles away from civilization. 

We had hiked almost an hour into the hills, from the car. We had started hiking right as the light of day was turning gray.

"Dig deeper" She said again. "Just keep digging. you will know when you find it".

I look up at her, though I cant see anything, I can feel the dirt on my face, I am sweating, even through the cold night air. She is standing at the edge of the gaping hole, I am assuming, peering down at me.

"I don't even know what I am looking for, how can I know, if I don't know? This is crazy!" 

We had been out here for what felt like hours. The night air had turned from the warm of evening to the cold of night. Through the sweat I could feel the chill in my bones.

"You just have to keep digging, we wont leave until you find it." She said insistently.

"This is ridiculous, I am frickin tired of digging." I mumble under my breath.

Shovel, after shovel I continue to dig.

"There is nothing down here" I say exasperatedly

" I don't even know what I'm looking for!"

"Just keep going, keep digging deeper" she said calmly from the comfort of the surface above me.

THUMP. 

The shovel hit something hard, and hollow.

"Do you have me out here digging up a grave?!" I yell to her. "I am NOT digging up a dead body!"

"It is not a dead body" she laughs. "Just dig around it until you can get it out."

I  shovel on the sides until I don't feel the shovel hit anything, I finally get the box cleared of the dirt. I lift it up, it is heavy, with dirt stuck to it. I hoist it above my head as high as I can. "Here, grab it" I grunt as dirt falls in my face. I feel the box lift off my hands. I brush off my face and climb the dirt wall out of the hole.

It feels so dark out, I can hardly see my hand in front of my face.

"How are we going to make it back to the car tonight, with no light?" I ask.

"We don't, it is almost morning, and we can stay here until then."

I shiver at the thought of sitting out here all night, but I am too tired to fight with her, let alone even respond. I curl up on the cold ground and stare into the darkness.

I must have dozed off, laying on the cold hard ground, because I was awoken by the sun shining on my face.

I sit up, and sit in front of the box. It is wooden, with a lid that looks nailed down. I try to pull the lid off, and to my surprise it came off with ease. I set the lid down and peer inside the box. it is full of pictures and figurines. I look at each of the pictures. I stop at one. It is not a picture but maybe a postcard. It says the word resentment on it in bold letters. I set it down, and continue to sort through the items. A lot of them have pictures of someone that looks like me, but is not me. They are all in different eras, ages, and locations. I lay them out so I can see all of them. There are other postcards too, they say Love, Hate, Permission, and Dread. 

I pull the figurines out of the box next. They look like little angels with different emotions. One looks sad, one is dancing, One is thinking, one is sleeping, one crying, one is angry, one is happy. I stand them up in between the cards.

I look over my shoulder, "Sister, what the hell does all of this mean? What is this? How did you know we would find something?"

"Great Grandma told me." She said quietly, as she stood behind me, looking at the spread of items on the ground. "She said they were trinkets, treasures, and tribulations." 

I look into the wooden box again, at the bottom are some other small trinket looking items and they were sitting on some drawings. I reach in to pull the first trinket out. It is HEAVY. Like Thor's Hammer heavy. I stand up to get leverage and using both hands I pull this small thumb size trinket out of the box. I look at it, it is a silver bird cage. I drop it on the ground with a thump. I reach in and grab the next item. It is also small and immensely heavy. I pull it out and look at it. I cant tell at first what it is. It is a cleaver. I drop that one on the ground. I look in, three more to go. The next one looks like a blade of grass. The next one is a picture frame, and the last one was a heart. 

I pull out the drawings. They are changing images as I look at them. there are three papers with changing images on them. They slowly morph from one image to the next. I set them down next to the photographs.

"Sister, what are we supposed to do with all of this?" I ask.

"Well,  I guess we  are ready to head home. Pack up the box, it is coming with us." 

The Search for Heartsong

She climbed onto her horse and adjusted the reins. She was riding out into the woods in search of Shaman woman named Heartsong. The sun shone directly above her, she could feel the horse starting to sweat through his jet black coat. There was no saddle, or stirrups, just a blanket laid across his back. Her ranch was at the edge of the mountains, sitting on the valley floor. It would be cold at the higher parts of the mountains, so she made sure to pack an extra blanket in her backpack.

She had not spoken to Heartsong in many years.  It would be difficult at best to find her in the woods. She thought back to yesterday morning, she was sitting in the diner drinking coffee when her friend Janea sat down and joined her.
 "You know Heartsong is out there" Janea said as she sipped her coffee.
 I looked across the table at her and said "I haven't seen her in years, there is no way I could find her." Janea smiled "If you listen, you can find her. She is quiet, but not so quiet you cant find her if you look". "All right" I said, I will head out tomorrow and see if I can find her". "Where was she spotted last?"
Janea Responded "I'm sure she is among the trees".

As Jack started to trot across the field, her mind started to wander in thought. She wondered what Heartsong would say, would she recognize her. Jack slowed as they reached the trees, the horse and her headed into the woods. She rode all day and into the evening, winding through trees, across clearings, around rock outcroppings. She started to wonder if she could even find Heartsong. She was ready to make a camp for the night and start fresh in the morning. As she headed into a clearing she could see the glow of a fire. She rode cautiously up to the fire. It was Ranger Rich.
 "Hey Rich! What are you doing up here in the woods?"
 Rich said "I heard you might need some help finding Heartsong, so I figured I would come out and scout it out before you got here." She climbed off of Jack and sat down in front of the fire. She was happy to have the company out in the woods.
"Alright Rich, what am I looking for?" She asked. "I have searched everywhere today, I couldn't even find a trace of Heartsong anywhere."
Rich laughed "Rachel to find Heartsong, you have to listen to the sounds of her speaking. It is subtle, you have to listen beyond the clopping of the hooves, and the roar of the wind. It is in the leaves falling, a rock settling further into the ground. That kind of subtle."
"Thank you Rich." She replies. "I will listen carefully tomorrow so I can find Heartsong and speak to her."

The next morning when she woke, she sat still and listened to the sounds around her. Rich had left before dawn, and all that remained of the fire was ash, and coals hiding underneath. She decided not to ride Jack today, she would just lead him. She decided to climb over the ridge so the wind would not be so loud. The sun met her on the ridge and she could could feel the warm glow seeping into her skin. She stopped in a small clearing away from the wind, Jack was not moving around. She closed her eyes and listened.
 "Hello Rachel."
She opened her eyes and looked around, she could not see anyone. She thought she heard someone say her name, but now it might have the whistle of wind.
"What do you want to ask me?"
She kept her eyes closed and tried to focus on the voice. It was so quiet, she could not tell if she was actually hearing it or imagining it.
"Heartsong, is that you?" Rachel asked.
"Yes it is I" Heartsong responds.
"Why don't you speak to me anymore?" Rachel asked.
"The wind, and the sea can over power even the loudest voice, I cannot shout above them." Heartsong replied.
"So you just stopped speaking to me? What if I needed guidance? I feel lost. I thought you had died, and turned to stone." Rachel said.
"I have spoken. I have twisted the wind into words, so you could hear. I moved the waves so they could speak to you. You are not lost. You have always followed the guidance I have given. Even when you did not agree."
"What do you want to ask me?" Heartsong repeated  her question.
"What do I really want?" Rachel asked.
"Freedom" Heartsong replied.
"But what does that look like? How do I get that? How much? When?" Rachel rattled off her questions.
"Freedom to receive love, Freedom to spend your time as you desire, Freedom to write what you want, freedom to speak, freedom to travel, freedom to listen to me. As much as it takes to not make you feel I am made of stone. Now and tomorrow and forever on."
"How does that relate to work? I have bills and responsibility."
"You must listen intently. My wisdom is beyond a job. You must not damage yourself to show proof of listening. You must gently follow what warms the heart. A pot does not boil instantly. A heart does not thaw in a moment. Do not fear change, judgments and expectations from others. Do not fear, fear for others. What makes your heart feel warm? Do that."
"What if lots of things feel warm? What if I cant decide?" Rachel asked feeling perplexed
Heartsong responded  "You need to be gentle, gently follow, one small step at a time. Ask for guidance in the moment. It will help with clarity. It is getting cold out here my friend, you must head back home."
Rachel continued to listen intently, but could no longer her Heartsong's voice. The wind was howling now. Rachel had not noticed the storm rolling in. The air was getting colder by the minute, clouds were dark and menacing, she could feel the wind starting to bite at her cheeks. She heard hoof clops behind her. There was Rich on his horse. "What are you doing here?" Rachel asked. "Heartsong said you might need some guidance back down to the valley. I am here to lead the way." HE was holding a big light that looked like a beacon. It lit up the whole area around him. Rachel climbed on Jack and as they both turned the horses around the rain started to fall. Rich's light shone like a beacon lighting a path in front of the horses, all the way down the mountain. They were both soaking wet and shivering as they started across the valley floor.
"I think you can make from here." Rich said, as he turned and headed home. Rachel waved good-night and headed to the stables. She could here the echo of Heartsongs words in her head. "Gently follow what makes the heart warm."

Just a Picture

As I step into the stairwell, I look around. This stairwell used to feel dark and somewhat foreboding. The walls were dark, just one light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and it smelled of old wood and varnish. I no longer fear the door at the bottom of the stair case. Now the walls are white, with bright flowers painted on them. Raindrop shaped lights are hung from the ceiling all the way down the stairs. The door is still heavy, but it has wooden gate with climbing flowers painted on it, so it feels like you are entering into a secret garden. I walk down the stairs and push the door open. I step onto the platform and let the door fall closed behind me.

I pause for a moment letting my thoughts fall around me. What do I want to know? What are my expectations? What is my brain telling me I should see? I watch my thoughts turn into pictures and float to ground around me, like leaves falling in autumn. My urge is to pick them back up and put them in my pocket. I look up at the blue freight train of energy, light and images zooming past me. I step towards the edge of the platform. I look back at the pictures laying on the floor. I take deep breath, I start to feel naked and lost without holding onto everything the pictures represent. Before I convince myself to go get them I reach my hand out and touch the blue freight train. I zoom along for a few minutes. I feel myself tumbling for a little while. I start to focus on where and when I want to go to. I want so badly to know where my pinnacle of success lies, internally. Where all the parts of my world feel fulfilled. Where my heart feels content, and I feel connected to my heart and my soul. I tumble along further and suddenly fall into an office.

I look around. There are big floor to ceiling windows along one whole wall, looking down over a city. There is a blue couch facing the window. There is a desk in the corner to my left. The walls have pictures hanging on them, but no photographs. there is a round wooden table in the right corner of the room. I look around at the table and desk. There are no calenders or newspapers to look at to see when  I travelled to. I look out the window, there is another tall building almost directly across from the window. I look to left and I can see smaller buildings as far as I can see. There are cars driving on the street. They look like regular cars from here, but I am at least 25 stories up. I look around the room again. along the back wall, opposite of the windows there is a door. I open the door and step into the hallway. there are cubicles to my left, that appear to all be empty. On my right are four elevators. I walk up to it and push the down button. The doors open. The elevator is empty. I step inside and look at the button panel. I click on floor one. As the elevator hums down the many levels, I wonder where time took me? What on Earth am I meant to see here? Where am I? The elevator doors open. The lobby is spacious and vacant. I walk to the doors leading outside. I pull the glass door open and step out onto the sidewalk. I stand there just letting everything soak in. The sun shining, the trees, the cars, the people walking past me. I look across the street, there is a small park area to the left. There is a woman sitting on the bench with a man. I walk down the sidewalk towards her, as  I get closer, I realize it is me. I cant actually tell how much older I am. I don't recognize the man, but we seem close. I don't seem to be able to get closer to her. My legs feel heavy. I look up in the sky. I hear a loud wind sound, I see the blue freight train of energy appear in the sky. It swoops towards me and scoops me up, for a brief second I am floating, then I see the platform and I am standing there again. All of my pictures are still laying on the floor. I watch them all turn to ash except one. What do I want to know? I pick up the picture and look at it. It is a picture of me and the man sitting on the park bench. I smile and put the picture in my pocket. I open the heavy door and head back up the stairs.

Reflection Question

It was a rainy evening in the city. It was the middle of October and the air had a crisp bite, as the rain fell softly. It was dusk, but the sky was dark with clouds, so it felt darker, and colder. I stood outside the restaurant door. People walking past me opening the door, coming and going. The air smelled good as it wafted out of the restaurant. I could feel the warm air of inside for a brief moment before the crisp October wind swept it away. I shivered in my coat, my shoulders hunched over as if it would keep me protected from the rain.

I was here to do an interview. My questions already jotted down on a piece of paper that I held clenched tightly in my fist, shoved in my coat pocket. I wanted to cancel the meeting. I was tired, cold and not really sure if I wanted to know the answers to my questions. I took another deep breath. My mind floated to my friend Rich. He had sent me a message letting me know the meeting had been set up. I didn't want to let him down. I knew he would want to ask about it, even if he didn't. I wanted to be able to tell him I went through with it.

I knew my interviewee was already inside the restaurant. Even though she acted carelessly most of the time, she was always worried about the judgment of being late, and not knowing how to get somewhere, where to park, what to say, where to sit.

I shook off the cold and opened the door to the restaurant. I stepped inside, and was greeted with warm air, the smell of bread, and a hint of old alcohol from the bar. I looked around at the tables to see if I could see anyone sitting alone. I spotted her towards the back of the room. She was of course facing the door. She was always paranoid, thinking people were following her, thinking she was seeing shadow figures, dead people, she thought most men were serial killers.

There I was 20 years younger sitting at the table waiting for me to arrive. My stomach turned, I could feel my heart racing, all of the sudden it felt really hot. I closed my eyes and took a step towards her. What the fuck is wrong with me!? The words echoed in my head. I am not going to let a damn 17 year old intimidate me. I pulled my shoulders back, and walked down to the table.

Hi, I said to my 17yo self. I guess I don't have to introduce myself. I chuckled uncomfortably as I sat down in the booth. I looked across the booth at my younger self. We sat there and stared at each other. Thoughts were zooming through my head. So many emotions. I felt anger rising in my throat as tears started to sting my eyes. She stared back at me, she had a startled look on her face. I could see the confusion in her eyes.

I took another deep breath, and pulled out my crinkled piece of paper from my coat pocket. I slowly uncurled it, trying to smooth the wrinkles out of it, then I unfolded it. I stared at the paper. It was blank. My questions were gone. I looked up at 17yo me. "Ummmm....ok, I guess I am just going to you whatever questions come up." I said to her. "Ok" she replied with a shrug. "Of course she doesn't care", I think to my self. My mind floats back to Rich, and the message he sent me...I wasn't supposed to think about the questions ..it was whatever came up first. If I am remembering it right.

I look up again at 17yo me.
 Why do you want to be a criminal profiler? what are you going to do if you fail? why cant you be more realistic with your goals? Why didn't you study more? Why do ruin my future? Why cant you be normal? Why cant you just leave men alone? Don't you know its a useless endeavor? Why do you think you will ever get married? Why are your expectations so ridiculous? Why cant you just plan for something more realistic? why do you have to be so grandiose? Why doesn't anyone love you? What are you doing wrong? Why cant you figure it out sooner? Why does it take you so long to to do anything?

I stopped for a moment to catch my breath.

"Do you have anything you want to say to me?" I asked.

"I'm sorry." She replied.
"Me too" I said. "I thought we were going to be so much more than what we are."
"Where do we go wrong?" she asked.
"I don't know, I guess life is planned differently than we expected it to." I said.
"I thought we were the makers of our own destiny?!" She replied.
I sighed, and looked down at my hands. I didn't really know what to tell her.
She asked "Wait...I don't get into the FBI?"
I shook my head. "No, we become a nurse."
Now 17yo me has tears welling up in her eyes. I can see the anger starting to flash through them. Her voice gets a little louder and her words become sharper. "This is your fault! You are future me, what the fuck did you do?! You ruined our dream? Why?"
I felt the hot sting of tears run down my cheeks, I had no answers for her. I stared down at the blank paper in front of me.
I look up at 17yo me. She got up from the table, and walked out the door.
At least my interview was finally over.

The Dreaded Ease of Discomfort

I sat down in front of the TV. Unsolved Mysteries was about to start. Every week Robert Stack would tell the world about another woman who was found dead in the woods, another child dragged from the park into a car, never to be seen again.
"This is it." I thought.
"I'm going to help find these killers."

"I am going to be a Criminal Profiler for the FBI." I announced to no one in particular.

I read every book I could find about serial killers, criminal profiling, I studied psychology, I bought a gun, I went on Ride-ALongs, I dated a guy whose uncle was a serial killer (and in prison). I trained, I ran, I did push-ups, sit-ups, I learned how to fight, how to break a neck, an arm, whatever I needed to.

I was ready.

Next step college. My gateway to freedom, my path to my dream. My downfall.

The first class I took, I failed. Doubt crept in like a thick fog, and settled in to stay.

I took another class, I passed. I took a few more. Time marched on faster than my expectations.

The weight of life pushed down on me. My gateway to freedom started to look like a dark abyss out in front of me.

I looked over and Fear was standing next to me.
"How long have you been standing there?" I asked.
"Long enough" Fear replied.

I am not meant to be an FBI agent, I am not smart enough, fast enough, educated enough. I dont have the right tools, right mindset, right degree.

Fear stood there with a boombox on his shoulder and played this on repeat. It echoed through the fog of doubt, and amplified the dark abyss.

I stood at the crossroads of FBI and anything else. My heart hurt, my soul ached. I took a step towards anything else. I picked up my backpack of Dread. It was almost to heavy to bear. I looked down at my feet. One slow step at a time. Five hundred steps, a thousand.

As I walked through life, life continued to happen. I look behind me as I walk. Fear is next to me, the fog of doubt surrounds me if I pause for too long, the backpack of Dread is heavy. Around my ankles I now have tied to me Regret and Guilt. I dont even remember when they latched on to me. But we have been walking together for many, many miles now.

I am tired. I tell Fear to go away. I yell at him.  I try to run. Dread is too heavy. I try to put the backpack down, but when I stop moving, the fog of Doubt envelopes me. I cant see. All I can hear is Fears boombox on repeat. I start walking again. The comfort of the rhythm. Guilt and Regret dragging along. Fears sounds start to sound normal. The fog becomes comforting like a blanket, and the backpack makes me feel grounded.

Time continues to march on. My expectations lay shattered like glass all around me. I just keep walking.

Dear Money

Dear Money,

How are you? I am doing well, thanks. I wanted to write you and talk about our relationship. I appreciate the energy you provide. I enjoy working for you, but I wish you were available under less duress. It kinda scares me to think about not having you here. You are a great provider.

Moving forward I would like to have a more energetic relationship with you. The more you are with me, the more I can give to others. I would appreciate it, if you could show up in more ways. I will work on my end to give you more avenues to get here. To show up.

Sometimes I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I appreciate the support you offer and are able to provide.

I will show you more love, and appreciation for the work you do, and how often you show up in times of need.

I look forward to our relationship evolving and growing. To where we have a mutual respect for each other, and are striving towards the same goal of lifting others up.

Love,
Rachel

Conversation #4

I decided to go on the crazier side of things and bought land with a panel house to be built on it. It is all the way out in placerville and it is not complete yet. There are some days that I wonder if this was the correct path. It has been a longer process than my other options would have been.

I climb off the couch and step down the stairs. I open the door and stand in front of the Blue light train. I close my eyes and think about seeing future me and asking about the decision we made. I stick my hand out and close my eyes. I take a deep breath and step in to the light. I open my eyes. It is mid June out in Placerville. I am standing in front of a house that looks complete on the out side. I walk up to the house and open the door. I look around there are appliances in place in the kitchen, but the floor is still wood, with tarp over it. the furniture from out apartment is in the house, but it still has bare walls. I step into the bed room Future me is laying flooring in the bathroom.
"Hi" I say.
She pauses and sits back and takes a deep breath. but she doesn't turn around.
I ask "What do you think of our choice?"
"I never would have done this if  I had got a house that was move in ready. I am learning so much that I would not have otherwise. I  am going to be ready for buying  rental properties when I am done with this because I will know how to put new stuff in. Even if I screw this one up."
"Are the kids happy?"
"They love that they get to be a part of creating our home. The drive is a little much, but we make it work."
"How about the money?" I ask.
"The total amount was ok..we are doing good."
Ok so we are happy?"
"Yes this is great!"
"How did we get the loan approvals for this?
"I really don't know. I just kept trying different things until one of them worked."
"Any advice for what I should be doing all the way back in Feb?
"Still buy the ticket to EOL, still put a deposit for the trip to  Hawaii. You will be disappointed that you didn't and when you realize you still have the money it will be too late."
"Ok thank you!
 "Your welcome" She responds.
 I turned around and went into the kids bedrooms and then the Master bedroom, the kids were asleep in the bed. I turned around and went back outside and walked to the edge of the grass. I stepped into the thin veil and back onto the platform.  Up the stairs and back to my living room.

Conversation part 3

I decided to stay in the apartment and funnel all my extra money into buying a rental property. It has been really stressful. I took my whole bonus, and some of my retirement and borrowed some money and bought a rental property. I am wanting to know if this is really the right way to go. I could have bought a house or a mobile, but  I chose to stay here for now in my apartment. I need to know if this is the right choice to make.  I am going to ask future me how things are going with this option. I walk down the stairs again and open the door. I stand in front of the blue light tunnel.  I close my eyes and think about the future me early to mid June. I stick my hand out into the light and step in. I step out into the  concrete. I am by a pool again. Future me is still reading. Did I accidentally go to the wrong one?  I walk up to future me and ask"
 ..Hi did we buy a rental property?" Future me pauses her reading and sets the book down. She is staring into the pool and doesn't look up at me. "
We bought a rental property."
"Was it worth it I ask?"
She looks down at the book. The book has a bookmark in it. She pull it out of the book and looks at it. It is a check for some amount.
"This is our first rent check from the property we bought. It's not much but this a start."
"Are the kids happy?" I ask
"Yes..the possibility of having a house is still there and that is good."
"Are we doing ok money wise?"
"Yes, I'm getting a promotion so that will help."
"What made us decide not to buy something?"
"There wasn't a need to compromise what we wanted. Either have the house we want or stay."
"Where did we buy a place?" I asked
"We just needed to decide that was what we wanted. It will come up."
"OK thanks!"
"No problem." Future me says.
 Future me sat back in her chair and kept reading. I looked at the pool and the boys were playing happily in the pool. I stepped into the veil and back to home.

Conversation with Future me part 2

I have decided to buy a mobile home instead of a house. This decision has weighed heavily on me because there are some things that having a house allows that just simply are not there with a mobile home. I wanted a dog and a yard for the kids to play. Those are just not going to happen at this time. But I still want to make sure that this was the right choice. I am going to visit my future self to see if we are happy with decision in the future. 

I step off the couch and walk down the stairs, through the double doors. I pause at the Time Travel Train. I need to think about what I want and where I want tot go .  I want to ask my future self whether we are happy with our decision to buy a mobile instead of a house. I close my eyes and think about how far in the future I want to ask. I choose June; mid June. I put my hand out and stick it into the blue light. I leave it there for a moment, thinking about my future self. I open my eyes and step into the blue light. I step out onto concrete. There is a pool there and it is hot outside. I turn, I am sitting at a table by the pool. I walk up to me.
I ask "Are we happy with buying a mobile instead of a house?"
Future me is reading a book and sets it down for a moment. I never actually look up at me.
"At least we have a pool." Future me says.
"Do we like the place?"
"Its nice"
"Are we saving money?"
"Not as much as we wanted to."
"Are the kids happy?" I ask
"Yes..though they don't know what its like to have a house and a yard. I feel like I stole that opportunity from them."
"How is the commute?"
"Its easy."
"Do you regret buying  mobile instead of a house?"
"No, its just hard trying to convince the kids why this is better."
 "Ok thank you" I reply.
"Your welcome." Future me picks up he book again and goes back to reading. I walked to the edge of the concrete and stepped through the thin veil into the blue light and back onto the platform, through the door, up the stairs and back to the couch.

Conversation with future me.

Conversation with future me.


I am not really sure if I need to travel to the future to speak to future me or not. I take a deep breath. I climb off the couch and walk down a flight of stairs. I run my hands along the wood paneling on the walls. I stop at the door at the bottom of the stairs. I think to myself that I need to go just a few moths a head in the future. June in the beginning o June June 3rd. I focus on the date. I pull the heavy door open towards me. I feel the cool whoosh past me. I step onto the platform. The blue train size tube of energy is zooming past me. I look around in the  pictures that are floating in the blue zooming light. The pictures go slower than the light does. I focus on June 3rd 2018 A picture stops in front of me. I can feel the flicker of my mind trying to take over. I stop. I close my eyes. I let the picture go back in the blue light. I let the air continue to blow by me. I put my hand out into the  blue light  I open my eyes. I step into the picture before I can think too much about it it. I am standing at work. I look around I am parked in the same place. It is warm outside. I turn around and step back into the blue light and step onto the platform. ..hmmm what I am wanting to know from future me is if I bought a house, or mobile, or nothing and stayed in my apartment. I take another deep breath. I think to myself and ask.... I need to know which one I chose.  I step back in to the light. I am at work again. I am standing outside my car. Future me is in my car on her phone...probably scrolling through Facebook. The car is on and the window is rolled up. Future me answers without looking up from the phone "..Why do you need to know?"
 "I want to stop stressing about it now" I reply.
"We get a house."
 "Is it what we wanted?" I ask.
 "Mostly."
 "What is wrong with it?"
 "Its small, but we are making it work." Future me sighs.
 "Do we regret it?"
 "A little."
 "Should I buy a place or not?"
 "Maybe it will be better further in the future" future me says.
"Should I try more for a mobile?"
 "I dont know .."
"Is the house close to here?"
 "Close to school. Not here."
 "If I buy a mobile will I change the future?"
 "I guess that is how it works."
 "Ok thank you.."
"Yup. no problem."
 "You don't seem happy."
 "I hate this job remember...haha"
"Oh yea I forgot."
 I turn and step back into the blue light and I am back on the platform. I open the door, walk up the stairs to my couch.

Conversations with my soul. Part 4

I need to talk to my soul again. I need more guidance. I have questions. I need clarification. I fear making a wrong turn. There is no way for me to know the alternate path. I can only imagine what the different outcomes would be. This path is the only one I can see.


I climb off my couch. I step up onto the platform behind me. I walk up until  I can see the vegetation I can see the narrow path. I start walking up the path. It is warm and sunny today. Normally it is cold and gloomy. I weave my way through the bushes that hang over the path. It is steep and I have to lean forward to keep my balance. I push dead branches out of the way as I make my way to the top of the path. I see the opening in the path as it opens up to a clearing at the edge of the lake . There is fine ground rocks and some old pieces of wood that have been pushed to the shore. The wood not the sand. The gravelly sand is there in a small clearing. The other part of the lake has grass all the way to the edge of the water. I look across the lake.
"Hello!" I call out. "Are you here?"
 I look to the far edge of the lake where my soul took me last time. The land curves away to where I can no longer see the path. I focused my sights there and waited.
"I'm here!"  I hear a voice call out.
I wait. She rounds the corner of the path across the lake. I look down at the waters edge. I imagine a boat there and slowly I see the air swirl around as a boat appears to be being built from dust in the air. When it is complete I step into the boat. I focus my sights on the opposite edge of the lake. The boat seems to just know that is where I want to go. It pushes through the water to other edge. I climb out of the boat. I remember that last time I had my mind interfere with what I was trying to hear and see. I focus on my surroundings. And I try to stay focused on my questions.
 My soul runs up to me. "What are you doing here today?  I wasn't expecting you today."
"I know I wasn't planning on visiting so soon.  I need more answers."
 She looks at me .. "OK what do you need?"
"My questions are: What am I training for? What do I need to focus on? When should  I start? What kind of training am I doing? Physical, Mental, emotional, educational, vocational? There are too many options I need help to focus. What happens if I train in the wrong area?"
 She laughs out loud. Inwardly, I have a little awkward feeling. I have much anxiety about these things. She looks at me. "You know you're me right?
" ...Well yes..technically." I reply
 "Not technical...you are me. You choose to hide under your veil."
"Why do you not choose to hide?" I ask
"Because  I chose freedom." She said.
 "But you are me; did we not both choose freedom?" I asked; feeling perplexed.
"You chose earth. I chose a different...earth place. We chose."
 "Is earth harder to take off the veil? " I ask
"...no it is harder for you than for me.  Hmmm let me think of your questions for a moment. Don't add your thoughts to mine ... let me contemplate." She pauses and steps back. I am back in my living room for a moment chatting with my kids. I hear her start to talk so I jump back to the lake..

"Just as you answered yourself; you need to train physically. It will hep with mental focus.  You need to train and practice living on earth. You cannot hide until its over. Write more think less."
 "What is my goal?"....
"There is not a goal.. there is a pattern of evolving. There is people to connect to and paths to clear for others. Doors to open and soulful practice of healthy beliefs. To concrete the healthy patterns, so as to not need to repeat learning them again. You can set goals for yourself to help you, but not as an end result. You need to understand the patterns of growth are not set. Focus on reaching for a feeling and keeping it here. Write your new belief. and practice it. There are events that are going to occur and you will do best with training." She stops for a moment. "Your thoughts are merging with mine. give me a moment."
 I pause and I lean down a dip my fingers in the water. It is cold and clear. There is grass growing on the edge of the lake. I can see small fish darting around in the grass in the water. I look up at my soul...   she is prancing around in circles and humming a tune. I look down and feel the water on my fingers. so cold and refreshing. I look up and she walks up to me again.
"You need to focus on your feet. stay on the ground. talk to people. Set up a healthy pattern for your family. Reach for more earth knowledge. The soul already knows what you need to remember. Let me speak through you while you are on earth not just here. All the things that you dream of ...pick one... and bring it to life. Then the next one. Don't try all at once. Learn then use it. Don't try to learn all first. Did I mention you need to write more? You need to grow out from the veil. It hides you very well. Your light is blocked completely from here.  I can only see you when you are here. You will understand when you pull it off what I mean. But If I tell you each step the path will change."
"I have another question: on the earth that you live are we with our soul mate?" I ask.. 
"No I am waiting for us to catch up to each other. That is a journey we take together. when we are both whole."
"Am I not whole now?" I ask. "I feel like a whole person..."
 "Your soul is hiding.... whole ..not like fruit, but like all the cylinders on a car working; all the tires inflated evenly. All the rooms cleaned during spring... does this make sense?"
 "Yes.... So the first step?"
 "You will see... the mundane things save space for the rest of it." She answers.
"Do I start tomorrow?" I ask...as I feel my anxiety rise in my chest.
 "You cannot grow a plant in a day.... Maybe you can plant the seed... or pull the weeds where you want to plant... maybe a tree or rocks are in the way and you need to remove them first.... Maybe if you write it down. Not goals..patterns of success...with limitless outcomes... with a leap that is freedom, with patterns after that, that you can't plan yet.."
"Do you have bad days on your earth?" I ask
 "Yes...my freedom was hard fought, but the blanket on my earth is not as heavy as yours. It takes less time, energy, emotion and fight to gain freedom."
 "How can 1 soul split? I ask.
"With out a long story... we chose to divide and conquer. Not all souls do. Some splinter. Earth has been hard. This time is better with a tether to my earth. I can't explain more yet."
"Do you travel in time? I ask
 "Yes." She replies.
"Can you actually leave your earth?" I ask.
"Yes, but again my earth is not as heavy." She says.
"Will I be able to travel like that?"
"I cannot say... it depends. It is not a end goal nor a focus for our soul to master. As long as you do not hide behind it." She says.
I take a deep sigh. "OK."
"Do not leave here disappointed. You came for answers, they should be without expectation of answer. Go home and write the patterns down that you want to have, write down the belief you want and why. write down the emotions you want to feel, and what they are brought from. Write why you want to travel and where. Write it down until it is clear where you are in your gardening process. Think about how long it takes for a plant to grow. Draw a garden if you must. Plan out what you want it to look like. design it, then create it. And remember it is yours and your alone, but all of those you want in your life must have a place in, and space in your garden. You need to plan, and train."
I thank my soul for her/our /my help. I give her a hug and for a moment our soul is one. I try to feel the lightness and freedom as it is a part of me for a moment. I can feel the veil over me. I step back and thank her again.
She laughs. "Of course."  "Be sure and let me know when you meet him. I know where he is on my earth. I am just waiting for you."
 I laugh .."OK I will come tell you. Gosh will  I know when I meet him?"
 She laughs...not at first. But as you tether yourself to your memories they will resonate with him. HE will know. Don't let that go."
"OK sounds good" I reply.
I turn around and walk to the boat. I climb in and enjoy the cruise across the lake with the warm air blowing my hair. I climb out and start on the path down the away from the lake. I go quickly. I can see my couch at the bottom of the trail I step onto my couch and back to my living room.

Kylego into reality

Kylego for Wed, Thurs, Fri Feb 14,15,16................................................................................

Wednesday started out great...I actually followed my schedule almost perfectly. It felt good. We all got out of the house smoothly. My day at work could have been stressful but I insisted on being positive all day. I got a lot accomplished. After my piano lesson and a great dinner with the ex... I was proud of myself for being able to articulate my boundaries.  When I got home I dived into writing for my Crime Lab blog and got more content up. I also got to watch a great video of Kyle's about entrepreneur ship. It is going to help immensely. Thursday morning I got up early, and decided to buy a lottery ticket and a scratcher. After a GREAT day at work with many accomplishments I went to look at houses. None of the ones we looked at were great. But it was ok...they just weren't the right ones. Friday I was super proud of myself because  I was still on schedule!! Off to school and work. I taught class all day, and the day zipped by. I got a call from the realtor about a house coming on the market. In the area I wanted and the size I wanted. I went to go see it and loved it and put an offer on it right then...yay!! Then I went to the store to check my lottery ticket.................I won. Not like a little bit................but like 3 million dollars won.....................I am still so freaking shocked. I wont actually feel real until I see the first check. It will be here in 6 weeks!!!!!!!!!!

Luckily I totally screwed this up. On Wednesday morning, I accidentally turned off my alarm and slept in until 6:30am.... Sheer panic set in as me and the kids scrambled to get ready for school. I can barely remember what I did at work. I accomplished very little. I had a lot of meetings that day I guess I did get some stuff accomplished at work. My piano lesson was great. Dinner was great, and I didn't even need to articulate my boundaries. There was no push or awkward requests made. However I didn't get home until 11pm...No videos watched, nothing typed...just straight to bed.
Thursday...I hit the snooze button religiously for an hour maybe two. My realtor had a place for me to look at first thing in the morning. So off I went to see that ..I actually liked  it for a hot second. And all the other viewings got cancelled....And NO I didn't buy a lottery or Scratcher ticket.
Friday.. another snooze button fest in the morning. I did teach class all day... no call from the realtor because he went out if town for the weekend.
Even though I didn't kylego Saturday...I'm adding it on anyway. I hit the snooze button for along time today too. I drank a whole pot of coffee before I went to work. I taught class all day. Got home and promptly fell asleep. I still need to clean, practice piano, did I mention clean? and type some blog stuff. And of course...Kylego either a crazier week ahead, or a more realistic one. I wanted all these to happen, but they weren't meant to. I need to tune into more of the meant to than want to's.

Travel to Ireland....for 2 seconds

If I were to travel in time...where would I go? Hmmm.....I would want to go somewhere I knew looked different from here. I want to be able to physically feel things and speak...without messing up the timeline. I want to see an actual portal that I can step through. For now I will practice traveling in my etheric self.

I walk down a flight of stairs. They are wood, with wood paneling on the walls. There are double doors at the bottom of the stairs. They are a brick red color. There is not a door knob, just a red handle. I pull open the door and step past the door. There is a blue light racing by in front of me. I can't see any ground past the landing I am standing on. Besides the blue light, it is dark. The blue light whooshing by reaches high above the overhang, but I see the dark above it. I look down either direction.. It looks like a train station.. or a subway... the blue light zooming past can be seen as far as I can see in either direction. I look at the blue light...there are images that float past pretty quickly. It appears to be hollow in the center of the blue light . I look at the images to see if I recognize anything...hmmm I see some familiar memories. I look up at the images towards the top. I am having a hard time focusing. My kids are talking and asking questions. I am trying to stay there but I cant stay focused. ...............................the images look like movie clips.....old movies, nature movies, I am trying not to focus on movies...... where do I want to go?.......Ireland.  I had a dream many moons ago about a woman. I start to search the images for Ireland...The images stop. The one in front of me is green grass, with some hills, it is cold outside, there are low clouds on the horizon, and high clouds above me. I step into the image. The ground is solid under my shoes, I question whether I should go further...its flippin cold. I step further in, and look back behind me. I want to come home when I'm done. I can see a shadow of the doors and the landing platform I was standing on. It was more like shadows playing tricks on the eyes. The clouds moved more and the shadow was gone. I turn back around. I look to my left ....in the distance I can see some buildings one of them has some smoke coming out of the chimney. To my right...rocks, grass, and the hill slowly goes down. Looking forward it looks like the edge of the slope right in front of me but as I step forward I can see the rolling hills continue out in front of me for awhile. I take a step, the ground is cold under my feet.  I'm not sure what I should do now. I don't want to go to the houses, but going forward there is nothing. I decide to head home. As soon as I thought it, it was like the images were on rewind. Everything zipped backwards and I was at the top of the stairs. I turned around and stepped into bed.

A visit with my soul. A friend in nature

I went to see my soul last night. I have been to see her a few times. I meet her at a lake somewhere. I don't know how I get there, or how I know where to go. I was able to see the trail this time, that leads up to the lakes edge. I walk up the narrow dirt path. It is steep and is overgrown with tall bushes; their branches reaching across the path to each other. I stop at the top of the trail and look around. Both sides of the lake are lined with pink blooming trees. The water is dark and calm. For the first time it is not foggy. The sun is setting on the horizon and the sky is painted in red and orange. I look across the lake and I see my soul standing on the other side of the lake. I look down at the waters edge and see a small boat appear in front of me. I climb in the boat and it takes me across the lake with little effort. I climb out and walk up to my soul. As she stands there in front of me; I pause and say hi. We have not spoke before. Last time, we walked together, and before that I did not know how to cross the water.
"Hello, I'm so happy you are finally here!" She says very excitedly. I feel a little stunned to hear her voice.
 "I haven't heard you speak before" I said. ...
"I never had the opportunity" she replied.
 "Am I still on Earth?" I ask...My voice trailing off at the end...
She responds... "well...not your earth."
"I traveled to a different earth!?" I asked excitedly.
"You sound surprised" she says, "you have come here before though, so I thought you knew this was not your earth."
 I start to hear sounds around me, there is buzzing in my ears, zapping electrical sounds as what im looking at change and return. and I can see images flashing in the background, like a outdoor movie. they are loud, and the images surround me. I see everything around me start to change.
 "You need to tell your brain to stop" she says.
 In an instant the sounds and images are gone.
"What was that?" I asked.
"It was your mind trying to scare you. Walk with me" she says and starts to walk along the shore. I follow her.
"Do you have questions? What would you like to know?" she asks.
"Yes." I reply .."I do have a question.... What am I supposed to do? Why am I here? It is for my kids? Is there something specific I should be doing?" I start to hear the sounds around me again, like someone changing the stations on a radio and the volume is full blast. images are flashing around me. I feel myself slipping away....like I am being pulled into the flashing images. I am trying to focus on her through the images and sounds.
"FOCUS!" she says sternly and grabs my shoulders. The images are gone instantly.
"I am sorry" I tell her.."I am trying to stay focused but I think I am falling asleep at home."
"Come with me" she says "I want to show you something." We walk around the bend that follows the waters edge. I have never seen this part of the lake before. We are now facing the setting sun. I can feel the warmth of the last of the suns rays on my cheeks. I can see past the lake.  I look farther...I see what looks like a valley. I turn to her and ask what that is, where that is. She says that is her home in the future.
 She turns and faces me..."you need to start training" she tells me. "Training?" I ask.... "what kind of training?"
 "You need to be ready for the fight." she says. "Start now and you will be ready."
 "Like a physical fight?" I ask. I can feel nervousness start to rise in my throat and my cheeks. She laughs.
 "This I cannot say. There is more I would like to tell you" she says. The sounds come back, they are loud buzzing sounds, I can't hear her. I can tell she is still talking. Images of other worlds and other thoughts start to flash in front of me. I try to focus on what she is saying but I can't hear her. she continues to speak.. I can make out a few of the words..Search.... tomorrow..... you will find it. I turn and look back to where we had walked from...the sounds and flashes still there. I can't get them to stop. I need to go home. I blink and I am back around the bend. I can see the boat. I stare at it for a second and I am instantly in the boat that I had looked at. I look at the shore where I started and I am instantly there. I start walking down the path away from the lake. I can't see the bottom of the trail. The sounds are gone, the images are gone. I can feel my tiredness covering me like a blanket. I can feel my self walking closer to me falling asleep.

New job!

I am starting a new job on the 1st of February! Super exciting...It is actually currently a volunteer position. I have been asked to write content for a blog about crime labs. Stats, productivity, state run vs private, wages, accreditation, funding.... pretty much anything about a lab that  I can think of. They want me to start from scratch with a website and blog name. I will spend the first few days setting everything up on the back end before I start writing. I have to create a schedule to show how often I will post and how much time I will be putting in, what platforms I will share the content on, and what my goals are for the 3-6-12 month marks are for the website. Wish me luck on this new adventure! Any suggestions on names of the blog or website would be appreciated. Thanks!!

Week 1 is here!  This week is planning. The website name is www.crimelabinfo.com
I will post content weekly and each weeks post will have at least 1 affiliate permalink in it. During the first 3 months I will be building content. I really am not sure what the expectation for this type of content to be in high demand is. This will focus on a pretty specific demographic. I would like to have a few websites that sell crime lab supplies linked to the site within the 3 month period.
3-6 months I would like to have a few research papers posted. Not as frequent posting, but more content.
6-12 months this should have enough content to be clicked into regularly. and regular weekly postings.

My goal is to spend about 4-5 hours a week on this. Some in research, some on learning curve, some on actual website maintenance.
I do not know what day I will post each week yet. TBT
I'm not sure why I don't want to project any income. Silly me. 0-3 months let's aim for 100-500 dollars 3-6 months 500-5000, 6-12 months let's aim for a steady stream with an average of 2500 a month.

Night Lights

I am going to try an experiment... I often times tune in to things when I am driving or writing. So I am going to try writing, and on Saturday I will try it driving...Safely of course.


Today I am focusing on #MybestfriendIhaventmetyet I know it is not the right time to meet him, but I have faith he is out there. I don't know where, but that is OK too..


I start to rise up from my room up into the sky..I start to question what exactly I'm looking for. Am I looking for someone? Am I looking for a light that I feel good about? I float higher in the sky. Is he here in the city with me? Is he far away? I turn around in circles looking around. I see a light ...as I float to it...the energy is not comforting. I float past it and climb higher. I wonder if he is sleeping? Does his soul know mine is looking? Is his looking for mine? What will his soul do if he is looking for me? what will I say?
I can see all of Lake Tahoe, the mountains and the sea to west in the distance.  I stop and scan the ground. I can see a few lights floating above the ground swirling around their home. I look around some more. Will his soul be out here looking for mine?
 I rise higher into the sky. The city lights are gone, and the mountains look like bumps on the ground. I look out on the horizon. Not as many souls are floating around. Some are zooming around, some are like shooting stars. They can only be seen for a moment. 
I know if he is here, he will be doing the same thing I am...searching. I start to fly East as I look for the familiar light. It has been many lifetimes since we have danced in the beam of each others light. I see a light in the distance that shines brighter than others. I rush towards this orb of shining light. I stop in front of the light. I can see the image of who the soul belongs to. He looks at me bewildered and gives me a hug. I know at this moment he is just a friendly soul. I climb higher into the sky.
 The curve of the earth is now a complete crescent. I can see the light of the sun peeking on the horizon. I look around and there he is. The familiar glow that only his soul can produce. I fly to him, our souls swirl around each other as we become brighter together. We dance in the light of the sun on the horizon. We soared up higher and circled the world. We flew past the heat of the sun and back to the dark of the night.


I hear my alarm start to buzz .. in an instant I'm back in my room reaching for my alarm. I hit the snooze button and close my eyes again. I fly back up the edge of the sky and search for him. I stop and scan the sky. I cant find him anywhere. Searching for his light, and his comfort. The moment was so fleeting and quick. I let myself fall back to earth, no longer feeling the want to fly.

I feel the wind howling around me as I continue to fall. I feel the earth getting closer to me, I can feel my heart start to beat again. I take a deep breath and my alarm buzzes again. Back in my room again. I sit up in bed, and think to myself...When will I see him and feel him again. Will we meet face to face or only on the astral plane? We can always dance in the the light of the night, and dance in our dreams.

A Visit to My Soul

I went to see my soul last night. I hadn't been up there for awhile. I guess along the way I figured out how to plant some trees on my side of the water. She did too. They are all in bloom. The pink cherry blossoms adding color to the the trees and the ground around them. Like a soft pink circle of light. I brought a boat with me this time. I had tried to build a bridge to my soul before. I wasn't successful. I realize now there are many ways to get across the water. I climb in the boat and paddle to the shore where my soul is standing. My soul turns to light and swirls around me as I walk along this distant shore. I try to memorize the feeling of walking in the light of my soul. It is not as different as I had thought it would be. I look across the shore to where I started. The trees I planted are still small. I need to visit more often to cultivate them. I look at the water in hopes that instead of ripples in the water I would see words floating by. I see my reflection in the water. I look the same, but the discontent is not. I feel loved from within.
The sun starts to set behind the fog and the mist. The grey starts to fade to darkness. I climb in the boat, wondering if my soul will just stay with me or if she will stay on the distant shore. I start to paddle across the water. I close my eyes for a moment. I don't want to know if the light is still around me or not. I know I need to figure out why she stays on the other side of the water. I had hoped this was the answer. The trees planted, the boat across the water, the walk together on the other side of the shore.
I reach the shore and feel the boat bump the shore. I open my eyes and look back across the water. My soul was dancing along the shore. I still feel the comfort from within. I too dance among the small trees. I stop at each tree and tend to it. I clear the weeds from around the roots. It is dark now.  I notice I still have light to light my path. It shines from around me. I smile to myself as I walk down the path to my world.

The Power

I recently came to an epiphany. A paused moment in time, a second of clarity where I can see everything behind me and in front of me. I need to own the power that I had before. Own it, not relive it. Own it, not redo it. Own it, not accept at face value. I dont want to put this power back on, like an old coat that smells of mold and moth balls. I need to own it, like a vase that you retrieve from the pawn shop. But this time you actually use it to put flowers in; instead of using it as a puke bucket. I need to own the power that I had before. Before I felt used and cheapened. Before I gave away my power because I didn't know I was giving it away. I didn't even know it was something to have. It was an unbridled power that was seeming to harm myself and other people. I was stumbling through time, carelessly abusing what I had to offer. I didn't understand the wounds I was carving, or how I was changing my own timeline. I didnt understand how I was creating the walls I was building. I allowed myself to become broken.  I couldn't rid myself of this power. I convinced myself that this power that I had would be enough to convince someone of the beauty of my soul. And the men that loved this power would eventually love the rest of me. I was wrong. This took me a long time to learn. I tried to shed the power, I ignored it, refused to use it, pretended that it didn't exist. I tried to believe that if the power was no longer there and all that was left was my soul, that the man I had invested my time in would fall in love with me. I was wrong. I know things unfolded for reasons beyond the simplicity of power or no power.

I know now that I need my power. I need to learn to control it and harness it. I need to cultivate the power within myself. I need to have faith that  I will see through the men that simply want the power and nothing else I have to offer.

Blind Date .... Dry run

I went on a blind date with my self tonight. It was an eye opener. First and for most I had to work late, so the date was 2 1/2 hours later than planned. I automatically made the assumption  that the other person would instantly no longer be interested. Which I guess I really do not know. So I got home from work to change my clothes and I instantly started to talk myself out of going. Too tired , nothing to wear. (I was going to Starbucks...alone) Then I go in the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I hear the voice saying you look awful, no one is going to want to hang out with you. I look like a mess. I have pimples, my hair is gray, and brown, and blond. Super unattractive. If the voice is this loud going somewhere alone, I cant imagine how loud it would be if  I was actually meeting a stranger. I almost convinced myself I wasn't worth my own time. That is crazy. As I sit and reflect on the evening, I can see that my expectations of myself in this type of situation is unreasonable. I feel like I should magically turn into someone else that this person I've never met will like. I'm caught between not wanting someone to only want to be with me for what I can offer them physically, and still wanting them to find me attractive. As if the idea that someone finding me attractive means they will not see the beauty of my soul.

Time Traveller

One of the biggest things that happened in 2018 was that I learned how to time travel. I know it sounds crazy, and I'm not that good at it yet....lol.

I was running at the park one evening after work, and there was someone else there running too. The person stopped me after we had passed each other a few times. I really thought the person was crazy at first. They asked if I remembered who they were....they said their name as if I would know it. I was drawing a blank...lol I was thinking...um ...crazy person 😂
The person became somewhat annoyed and asked if they could just run in the same direction as me so we wouldn't keep crossing paths. I needed to do 2 more laps so I agreed...lol
As we were running, the person brushed up against my arm and we were instantly in a different time. It was crazy. I kinda freaked out a little bit, but it was like putting on an old pair of jeans, or like riding a bike. I realized that I had already been a time Traveller, but I had forgotten about this ability.

I can travel through time😂 what an incredible gift.