Simplicity of the Soul

I think one of the greatest things about life is the simplicity of the fundamentals. Our hearts beat for us, we breathe without control over its rhythm, we cannot stop our selves from crying or laughing. We feel love without thought. I think the unfortunate part is that we as a race have created outside sources of energy and thought. We are now controlled by rents and cars and jobs. These are now the sources of our laughter and our tears. Our worries and anxiety are all built from the world we have created. At what point are we allowed to free ourselves from this invisible bondage? At what point do we start sharing collective thoughts and live in agreement with what the earth has to offer? If we ourselves were herded into this thought process, how and when do we stop herding our children and those around us into this thought process? What is the actual meaning of religion and government? Has there ever been a point in human history without conflict or fighting? What is our overall purpose here on earth? In the grand scheme of things how is this whole plan supposed to shake out? Eventually; even with all of the wars, crime and other deaths we still have more babies being born each day than deaths of all ages. What is our endgame? Live in peace and over populate the planet? Fight in wars, burn all the oil, make the air unbreathable and die off? There is so much that one human can experience in a lifetime, it is hard to imagine what it can gather over hundreds of lifetimes. What are we supposed to do with all of these experiences? Why and how are there so many more souls on this planet that just a short time ago in history? Are our souls splintering into fragments? each one becoming its own little soul, but without the capacity to function as it would if it were whole? Kind of like a company that becomes publicly traded. The company decides how many splinters to break it up into and then it sells them. People who own more than a few are much better off than someone who owns 1 stock. Or maybe we are the company. We are allowing parts of our soul to be chipped off, and we need to learn how to gather them back up. My soul feels like it is tied to a pole right now. Unable to move or run free; I am tied down by the very thing I don't want to tied down by; Society. Yet I love the camaraderie that similarly thinking people have. I will continue to search for answers for all of these questions.

A dead woman's plea

I know I am lost
My soul can see
It's cold out here in the dark of day
My heart is cold
I wish to be free
Please find me
And release my soul.
I'm right here, I wish I could see
I try to reach out
I try to breathe
My soul sheds tears
And clings close to me
I dream of the day
That someone will see
Someone will discover me
And solve this mystery
I'm gonna stay right here
My silence is loud
My soul will stay by my side
But she is getting cold
I can feel the earth on my bones
My body is long gone
Now it's just my soul and I
Waiting here in these woods
Waiting here until the end of time.

Tonight. Tonight? Tonight.

Well today is the day that I am faced with planning time for these new changes. My health needs it. My writing skills need it and my income needs it. How much time do I need to create for each one of these? Where do I squeeze these things into my life? I am faced today and ultimately with my time/space conundrum. I ultimately want more time with my kids, and the freedom to do things outside the confines of work and home.

 To do this I need my health. I need to have strength to be active.  I need to have the energy to follow through with what  I want. I need to exercise and eat right. I need to want this for myself. If I want more time with my kids I need to be healthy enough to provide it for them.

 I need to practice my writing as I am today. I have spent enough time getting the list of contests together it would be a waste of previously spent time to not follow through with this. I don't really know how much time it will take me to write each one. I need that window of dedicated time to do so though. This might not make any money, but writing is a great hobby that can be honed.  I will take time each week to work on my video game that I want to create. I need to carve a notch of time to do this. When? I don't know yet.

During the next week, month, 6 months I will work diligently to create the reality that I want. Health, freedom, knowledge, love and family.

 Tomorrow is the first day. Tonight is the first night.

These tasks might sound insignificant, but they feel like mountains on most days.
To take better care of me, I will wash my face twice a day, I will brush my teeth twice a day, I will shower daily.

To take care of my children I will have dinner with them very night. I will make sure they brush their teeth twice a day. I will make sure they get enough sleep, and they will have stories read to them every night.

I am already overwhelmed by my small task list. I start tonight.

I have let my physical strength go for so long that I will start with walking and yoga stretches. Daily? Daily.

At least I have my writing out of the way for tonight.

The voice in my head.

I'm moving onto a new path. I need to, and will, I am taking responsibility for my own lack of inaction. I need to stop listening to the ugly self sabotage voice in my head. I will overcome and adapt to my anxiety. I have the power to stretch time by simply living more life within each moment.

I have decided that it is time to train myself into self confident me. I have decided to empower myself. I am no longer a selfish person because I want to feel good about myself.

I will lead by example instead of waiting for the leader.

I will no longer force myself to choose one area to learn and expand in.

The voice is loud, and I need to be louder than the voice. I will not let the voice dissuade me from my path.

The Dawn of an Era

Well today is the end of an Era and tomorrow is the dawn of new Era. No one will notice the change just yet. Tomorrow it will feel the same, yet life will be on a different path, headed in a new direction. I will stay humble and focused. I will start to train my body and mind for great things. I will not count the dollars earned only the successes. I will pursue all of my dreams. I refuse to choose between on dream and another. I will no longer trade my time for a paycheck. My time is more valuable then that. I will maintain a financial focus, and my risks will be measured with research and balanced with reward margin. I will no longer live in discontent. Every moment from here forward will be a moment closer to success. I will plant seeds for future success, not just for me but for all of those around me whom I love and want to share my success. I will continue to pursue knowledge in all aspects of life. I will take time to focus on my family and appreciate each moment, as irreplaceable and unrepeatable. My faith is no longer something I search for outside of me. I will look within to find my faith, I have faith in me to know the way. I have faith in the elements and the life forces around me. Tomorrow will appear no different, yet it will be a whole new world.

Motivation and The Plan

Motivation and self care. Important words for everyone. It is important to know ourselves well enough to create our own motivation, and to care about ourselves enough to be healthy both inside and out. For some people these things come almost naturally to them. Little thought is but into a healthy lifestyle, or curling their hair every morning. I happen to be one of those people that over analyze everything. I notice every small nuance of my thoughts and emotions and look at them as if they are a separate part of me that can be attached or detached at a moments notice. The action in life is almost painful, for fear of not having a complete enough analysis to move forward. At some point a person just needs to tell their mind to stop. And just let the physical muscles do some work. I have been letting my mind take over, because the actions didn't seem to be improving my life. I keep thinking I must be missing something simply because I haven't seen my plan to fruition. My end result of course are skinny, happy, beautiful, and rich. My plan was to work 8-5 while saving money to invest in RE and buy a house and buy rentals and start a business and quit my 8-5 job. Do I need to alter my plan? Because it hasn't worked yet, not even started to work. I have no savings or a house bought, let alone a rental, and I'm still working 8-5. All of my mind/thought time hasn't cleared a new path for me either. I simply haven't found something I love doing regardless of whether I'm getting paid to do it or not. When I feel like my mind has me on a good path, I am able to create action much easier. When I feel like there is progression in my life that does not require constant mental apprehension, and focus, I feel free to take care of me and spend that time not thinking. At what point does someone decide the end result is still good, but the plan to get there is not?

Questions on Life

I feel like I am in static inaction. I am enjoying the little moments, yet my thoughts and energy are off in the ethers of the unknown. I am surrounded by movement and decision making and learning, yet the idea of movement is unappealing to me. I have sunk into inaction, into my thoughts and emotions, lifes heartaches and the unknown future. Here is the reality of it. My skin is broken out, I am out of shape and I feel stuck in my apartment. My care for my self has declined to almost nothing. Why cant I take care of me? Put myself first? not in wants but in needs. I feel like I am not providing anything to the world. I  feel like I am imaginary at work, people walk past me, plan events, as though I am not even there. I know it is not true, but the loneliness is palpable. There are many facets to the feeling/problem. I need to have action in all realms of my life. I need to make room for self care for me. I need to carve this out of time that I don't feel exists at the moment. Nor do I feel worthy of that time. Time spent on anything besides work, kids, home and learning feels impossible. I need to learn how to do something different to make money, I need to spend time applying for jobs to be able to move, I need time to research articles or stories I want to write. I need to work at my job. I need to keep the house somewhat reasonably clean, I need to feed the kids, and interact with them, read to them, hug them and I refuse to carve me time out of this time. Somehow I am supposed to feel good about myself. Am I simply not managing my time well? I feel frozen. I guess I need to map out my time and create action, even if I don't want to. I don't want to fall deeper into this hole. I need to change my own thoughts, and decide I am worth my own time. How do I make myself go to the gym every day when I don't feel like I am worthy of that time spent? How do I put energy into something that feels like it is a waste of time, or could be used for something more worthwhile. How does a person decide their own worth? How does someone decide they are worthy of something, but not too much, not conceited or arrogant? self absorbed? to what extent am I worthy? who decides what I deserve and what I don't?

The Job

I have been working on ways to bring in money so I can stay home with my kids. I have many ideas, but very little time to see them to fruition. I also don't have the money to invest in ideas that require...well any money. Is it possible to replace my income from my 8-5 with at home work? Here is what I have discovered so far: NO It is not that it can't be replaced. But what I am wanting is time. If I work from home the time is simply swallowed up by another form of work. I don't really want to work from home. I don't want to sit at home and try to juggle the kids and find time to get my "work" tasks done. I want money to be coming in, but not from a menial task of one sort or another. What do I want? Do I want a more enjoyable 8-5? Would I do better part time? Part time still requires childcare unless I work at a time when their dad doesn't work. None of these things can be done while we live in a place that is beyond our means. What really needs to happen is a relocation of our family. Either with part time or if I must; full time work. Relocating means many changes. We haven't done it yet..I haven't done it yet, because I don't want to be the source of angst when things are tough. When my son has no friends at school, and my little one misses his Martha. All of the explaining in the world will not make it feel better. I worry that the move is not for the right reasons, or that it is selfish on my part. Will the kids feel the benefit of us moving? will they feel better than they do now? Is moving really the only answer? Granted I don't think my kids are unhappy, but they could definitely go in either direction on the happy scale. I think a big part is I just don't love my job anymore. It started out as a job I loved and slowly turned into a job that I don't want to continue in. I had hoped that the pay increase would help our living expenses, but it is barely noticeable after taxes. I am disappointed that it did not do more for us.I had hoped it would allow us to move into a bigger place, or allow us to go on more trips, but instead it is covering the newest rent increase and the higher food costs. It is such a deflating feeling when your efforts are blocked by unseen forces. It will be sad to leave our home. I vowed never to move my son again after I settled here. I wanted him to have roots and a sense of belonging. I didn't want his future self to say " I grew up in a bunch of places". The idea in and of itself is somewhat overwhelming. Again I don't want to be the decision maker. The jobs I apply to determine where we move to. There are job opportunities everywhere, but that doesn't mean they are all great places to be.  I will gather my thoughts and reflect on our next move.

Change Starts With Me

Change starts with me. I heard this thought float through my head today. I have been ruminating on the life I live, the life I want, and life of my fantasies. I feel like I need change in my life. I feel like I went from contentment to discontent in a really short amount of time. I went from busy, and striving, and social, and motivated....to nothing. Now I don't want to see people, I don't want to exercise, I don't want to keep up on my home, I don't want to keep up on me. I need to take a moment to reflect on the changes that DID take place, that I have allowed myself to move into this mental state. Let's rewind 1 year. At this time last year I was reviewing my numbers for my spa business and coming to the realization that not only did I not earn the extra money I wanted, I didn't even earn back the money I invested; but I lost enough money that I couldn't pay for my son's birthday party. Nor did I have money for Christmas. December I stopped the spa business. January came and went. February came and went. March came and Kieshan decided because his grandpa's health was not well, that he/ we needed to be closer to Mt. Shasta. We sorted things out and decided to move to Sacramento after my 9 year old got out of school. My heart did not want to leave SB but my mind told me it was the right thing to do. I agreed to move but only when Kieshan got a job with benefits, so when I quit my job the insurance would not have gaps. I mentally prepared myself to move. I disengaged with the people I worked with. I started trying to figure out how to make the move work. I started applying for jobs in Sacramento. April was filled with stress. I convinced myself I didn't like my job anymore. I decided that I needed to get in shape before we moved. In May I started going to the gym every morning. I was exhausted at work every day. I was asleep by 8pm every night. I tried to interpret the reasons behind us not getting any job responses. I started to feel like we needed to move no matter what. I was offered a new position within my clinic. I studied the possibilities surrounding the job, the impact of the pay increase. I studied the pay rates of jobs in Sacramento and the surrounding areas. I studied the real estate, the rents. I started feeling really aware of the space we live in. I started to feel like I was not a good provider for my children because of the space we live in. I started to feel proud of the action we were taking to provide our kids with more space and opportunity than we had. June came along and we had no responses to jobs. We pushed our max move date out to July, and then to August. I stopped wanting to make dinners because I was starkly aware of our small apartment, our lack of money to get groceries, our expensive costs of living, the lack of parking, lack of outdoor space for the kids to play. As we entered into summer the heat in our apartment was unbearable. Days and nights of heat. Unrelenting heat. It was exhausting. I didn't want to move when I got home from work. It was too hot to cook, too hot to wash dishes, too hot to take to kids to the park. Too hot to enjoy life as we knew it. I struggled with the fact that we were not moving. That all of my planning and reading, and disconnecting was all for nothing. I tried to accept that we were going to be here for a whole nother year. I accepted the position at my job with the expectation that I would be leaving soon. I hate my new position. I am lonely and separated from everyone. I feel horrible that I am not taking action like I thought I was. My promises to my kids came up empty. I am not giving them more space to run free. Now I spend my days and nights trying to learn where I went wrong in my deductions. Did I plan for the wrong city? Should I just be applying for jobs still? Should we move before the end of the next school year? What if I fail again? What if I can't find a job somewhere else? What if my family is not happy somewhere else? If I can't find a job somewhere else... What is plan B? Stay here? In our tiny space? With the unbearable heat? And no outdoor space for our children to play? And constant frustration over parking? And fail my children even more? Plan B is definitely a cold back up plan. It is only slightly more appealing than staying here. I feel like I'm frozen in time now...waiting for the window of light to unveil this mysterious timeframe to start our plan to move again. This time I can't let it fail. I can't let this sit just solely on whether we get a job or not. This will have to be a: we move no matter what, situation. And then I feel another pang of sadness in my heart, because this is where I am successful. Yet I still failed in some way. I am still not providing a good home space for my kids. This burdens me and I can't seem to shake it. I need.......something. My kids need........something. I need time with them. All of this time I have spent working so hard to provide a home, has not been time spent with them. Now my heart aches for both sides of the coin. For not providing a good home space, AND for not being home with them. Now I feel like I not only need to guarantee a move, but now my heart wants to be home with them too. I can't do all of this. I don't know how. I don't know how to guarantee a roof over their head and have me home all the time. Now it is November again. This year I have money to have a party for my son. My sister is coming to visit and stay in my little home. I fear I will be judged again, for having worked so hard to get here. I am struggling with where I should aim my focus. I am torn between feeling good with my job and feeling bad for my home.

Of Electricity and Currents

I have been asked before if I am a christian. I am what I like to call "A Pleaser". for those people whom I do not hold near and dear to my heart I answer questions in a way that I know you want me to answer. The people that I hold close don't ask me questions they don't want answers to. I always answer the same. "I believe in God". Most people nod their head and say "oh well then yes your a christian". I smile to them and carry on with whatever we were doing or talking about. What I want to say is: I believe in Electricity, and magnetism, and sound; on all vibration levels. I believe in different levels of reality that I can't understand nor is it tangible. I believe in the soul. I believe in MY soul. I believe in the laws of probability, and the language of math; though just to be clear I speak Spanish better than I speak math. What I don't believe is the bible says what it was meant to say 5000 years ago. I don't know who created the human, nor do I care. I do believe that religion was created to control people and make money. It was a great business venture that still works to this day. The bible is an interesting read. It has some really great points that if you so choose to live by them you could do great things. You know the ones: Don't Lie, Don't Cheat, Don't Steal. Do unto others as you would have done to you. Basic life rules that if you kept them at the forefront of all of your interactions with every living thing you would be happy. The air, water, earth and all that it encompasses is my God. When I pray, I am praying (or trying to focus my thoughts) on a certain sound level. We are all tiny atoms or cells inside a huge body. There are millions of bodies. We are an electric signal passing our spark to other electric signals. The moon affects us because of the magnetic pull. Our tides also get pulled by the power of the moon. That is more powerful that I can even grasp. Even when I am watching the tide rise and fall. The heat from the sun is felt by every thing on this earth. Except the deepest darkest depths of the ocean; it is its own world within our world. Everyone needs to feel like they have a purpose. Life is challenging enough without the sense that your soul is an unnecessary spark that is not needed. Cancer is one cell that mutates instead of reincarnating as a regular healthy cell and instead starts to infect and help mutate the cells around it. Sometimes the mutating cell is surrounded by healthy happy cells and the one bad cell is left to live out its life and reincarnate into either a healthy cell or a mutated cell again. Sometimes though the other cells hold strong and the electricity that feeds the cells become a regulated current instead of power surges through the system. We each have to be strong and not become infected by the mutated cells that are around us. We all need to understand that we might be the cells that make up the heart, and never know it.

      This is a hard concept to grasp in the day to day living of life. Having a job doesn't fit with a cell floating in an electrical current, nor does money. In my next post I will give some examples of life and all of the "stuff".

   
 

Happy Me, Happy Home

The difficulty with having a full time job, kids, and a spouse is trying to find the time, energy and resources to cultivate the home life everyone deserves. In my home we have tried a few different avenues of time management. For instance I used to insist that dinner be made every night. I had a calendar that marked who was cooking, who was cleaning up and what we were eating that night. It served its purpose in the sense that we had dinner every night together. It also created alot of tension when one of us was too tired and we didn't or couldn't complete our assigned task. I am exhausted. I don't know why. I don't feel focused, or happy most days. The tension of life leading in a direction I didn't want it to go is overwhelming. I imagined a way of life, but didn't know what it would take to get there. Now I'm on a dusty side road freaking out because this road is veering further off the path I wanted and imagined. We stopped our dinner regime because we were both tired. I started cooking all of the meals on Sundays. We could all eat whatever we wanted during the week. This worked for awhile until the family got bored of the leftovers. We were spending money on fast food as our cooked dinners grew mold in our fridge. Lately we have moved even further from our original idea. Now it is more of a fendforyourself dinner style. With the exception of my 3 yr old on some days.
    Part of my dilemma is that I had a grand vision ( long ago) that didn't include children. Then my vision morphed to include the kiddos. Now my vision is incorporating my kid's dad and that is something new. He is grown and has his own visions. I can't force my ideals onto him, yet we need to live cohesively. I struggle with frustration and jealousy regarding his help, and then the lack of it. I struggle with the reality of our relationship that is not what I imagined. I am technically doing what I am supposed to. I feed my kids, I bathe them, get them in bed, read stories, cuddle, buy them toys to play with. What am I missing? I need to create my happy home. This is what I struggle with. Why? Because I'm not sure what is missing.....or if I can fix the things that I do know are wrong. Today I will re- set my home vision. I will build a plan for the foundation of my happy home. Me. I am home. For me and my kids. My space around me needs to feel good. It doesn't right now, for a multitude of reasons. Some I have control over, some I do not.

Thanks to Authors

Today is National Authors Day! National Authors Day became a nationally observed day in 1949. You can celebrate today by buying a book by your favorite author or you can find your favorite author through social media and pass on a thank you for writing their novels, and use the tag line #NationalAuthorDay. Today I would like to thank some of my favorite authors. The first one is James A Michner may he rest in peace. James A michner wrote the most amazing, detailed historically correlated fiction. They were works of art spread across the pages. His words made memories. When I read his books I was there, in the book. I could taste the dust, feel the rain, smell the flowers and I could hear the voices of the people living in that time. The next author is Patricia Cornwell. This woman is my idol. She lives, and feels, and experiences the police work that she details in her books. She is able to bring to life a crime scene, and the internal process of all of the people involved in the investigation. Kay Scarpetta; though a fictional character is in her own right an amazing woman. Brought to life by the words of Patricia Cornwell. My next favorite author is Michael Connelly. I am proud of him like I would be of my brother. His books have become an amazing show produced by Amazon TV. His writing brings the life of a homicide detective in LA to life like no one else can. His knowledge through his own experiences as a detective shine brightly in his writing. My next favorite author is John Sanford. He writes with an intensity that is unmatched. When I am reading his books I can't turn the page fast enough. My heart races in rhythm with his writing. I am blessed to have these authors in my life. I am a better person for it. These books all sit proudly on my book shelf among other great writings. Thank you for writing. Any one who is out there wondering if they should write a book, the answer is yes. Your writing will have an effect on people that you will never know.

Dreams Without a Plan

I have been given alot of advice recently in regards to taking steps in to my unknown future. I have been been told I need to look internally and make changes in my self before anything good will happen outwardly. I have been told I need to focus on exactly what I want in the future so that I will bring those things to my present. I have been told to explore all of my interests and pursue those things, and that is where the future lies. I have been told to step back and watch my thoughts and emotions go by and examine what they mean and do. I have come to realize that I am the keeper of me. I am the designer of my future and the future of my children and family. What do I want to build? How do I build it? What have I built so far?
   I built my present out of the "plan of necessity." My original plan was built of dreams. I dreamed of a life fighting crime and solving mysteries. I dreamed without a plan to get there. I dreamed of being there, without thought of How I was going to get there. I did not prepare my mind, body or soul for the journey, the arrival nor the failure to execute the dream. It was a staunch reminder that I lacked the tools of knowledge to build the paths to my dreams. I eventually gave up on the dream of FBI and profiling, and mystery solving. I stopped dreaming. I felt like I was in a giant ocean treading water. As I started to learn about finances, and bills I realized I had very few skills needed to get a "successful" job. I wanted to be rich, partly to prove I was as good at life as I had thought I was, and to be able to help others in a way I could not; all I had was my time to give others and that was in short supply. As I treaded water in the sea of life, things floated by that I grabbed a hold of. Each thing that floated by, and I grabbed a hold of, taught me something. I finally came upon something big enough to pull me out of the water. I couldn't let it float past me. I was exhausted from the search and the treading water. This boat was nursing school. It brought to where I am today. A good job, with benefits, that requires skill and knowledge. Four years have passed, and now I am tired of being on this floating boat in the middle of the ocean. Being on this boat was not a dream it was a necessity. I'm still one wave away from being in the ocean again; this time with my kids, which is an even scarier prospect. Now when I dream it is scattered and without sincerity. I can't tell the difference between the dreams of being off this boat, and the dreams of me. They are all jumbled together.
    I still dream of being rich, not as much to prove something, and more to be able to have the means to help people in a way that I cannot right now.

The Secure Space

I continue to write my thoughts, but I am glaringly aware of my lack of contact with the outside world. I am not a "networker" of any sort, nor have I been an action person with regards to anything outside of my immediate family. I am sensing I will need to step out of my secure space to fulfill a need to help others, or make a change that affects more than those close to me. Even as I write this I know the only ones that will read this are family members. The bridge that needs to be built to get outside this secure area. At this time I do not know what the first step to take is. I will continue to write and hopefully it will become clearer.

The Aches of a Nation

As I continue to learn about the plights of people around the world less fortunate than myself here are some of the things I have discovered. There are rape kits across the nation that are not being processed. There are small police departments who do not have the funds, expertise, tools or man power to collect evidence from a crime scene. I also learned there is a great need to rebuild the the nations of Native America. They as a people continue to be neglected and misunderstood by the American public, and abused and destroyed by the US government. There are great groups already in place working hard to help these issues. It is hard to tell at this time if these issues are where I need to focus my energy. I also don't know yet how I could be of help. They are both large multi- faceted problems which require a variety of changes and accommodations to take place. I will continue to explore and learn.

The Old Lady

It was a crisp cool day in November. The sun was shining, but the air was cold and biting. The leaves that remained on the branches, still clinging to Autumn, were almost all turned yellow and red, but they were still there on the tree limbs. I was walking down the sidewalk on  a quiet street lined with trees and townhomes, headed into town for lunch.
I saw an elderly woman walking slowly up ahead of me a ways. I drifted off into thought for a few minutes.
I came back to reality as I got closer to the old woman. I did not want to startle her so I slowed my pace a little bit. She was carrying a blue reusable grocery bag, and a little brown purse in the crook of her right elbow. She wore a nice navy blue peacoat and white pants. I continued my slow pace behind her. As we approached the next grouping of townhomes, I looked up at them. They were brown with small windows upstairs and down. There was a little porch for each one, and a small concrete walkway that cut straight to the sidewalk. As we approached the first walkway the old lady turned and shuffled onto the concrete walkway. She glanced up towards me and made eye contact with me. I guess she could hear me behind her.
All of the sudden she let out a loud cry!
AHHH!.
OWW!
She gripped her elbow, and held it tight against her. She looked up at me as I trotted up to her. "What happened?" I asked....trying to assess the situation.
"Oh my elbow, it slipped out of socket!" She said. She moved her hand away from her elbow. Even through the thick blue peacoat, I could see the arm extend a little too far down at the bend of her elbow.
"Let me help you with your bags." I said.
She let me gently pull her bags off her arm. She shuffled up the step to her door, and with her left hand she fished around in her pocket and found her house keys. She got the door open and we stepped inside.
It was a small place. The entrance to the stairs was right in front of me. To my left was two closed doors and to my right was the living room. The old lady shuffled into the living room past the couch to the chair that was already pulled out at the table. There was an old man on the couch. He was dressed in a suit and his head was resting on a pillow on the arm of the couch. He had a black hat on and it was pulled down over his eyes.
"You just put those bags on the floor there."
She pointed to kitchen floor just around the corner of the room. I walked the bags over, trying to be quiet for her napping husband.
I turned toward her and said "do you want me to call an ambulance for you?"
She shook her her head, no. "If you could just help me get my coat off, that will do just fine."
I walked up to her with my back to the old man asleep on the couch. I was helping her stand up from her chair, when I felt something behind me. I turned around and the old man was standing behind me; towering over me by a solid foot. I gasped and started to apologize for waking him, when I realized he was not old. I stared at him for a few seconds as my thoughts started to process what was happening, and the fear started to rise in my throat.
My mind started to race through a million thoughts trying to reason with myself and calm the panic I was starting to feel. I continued to stare at him, unsure of what to say. My mouth was dry, I could feel my fingertips tingling with fear.
"I...I.........I am s..sorry I woke you up" I stammered. My voice cracking a little as I tried to get the words out.
He said nothing. He didn't move. He was standing so close to me I could feel the exhales of his breath through his nose. His were still cold, his face was emotionless.
I tried to step back and felt my leg hit the chair behind me. I finally remembered the old lady and slowly turned to look at her.
She was still old. She stood there with a slight smirk in her face, at least I think it was a smirk. She was still holding her elbow as if it hurt, but she didn't say anything.
"Is this your son?" I asked. My voice shaking a little. "What is going on?" "I should get going." The words were tumbling out of my mouth as a sinking realization started to wash over me.
I look at the man, then back to the old lady. I see the flash of the knife in the man's hand. I felt the knife sink into my gut.

I step aside and look at me standing there. This is how that life ended. I had wondered if the answers were in the moments leading up to my death, or if I would have to work backwards from here. I took another step away from the man. I am happy he can't see me this time. I watch my body slump to the floor. I write down a few notes in my notebook.
I step out of the townhouse. I take a deep breath. I hated the cold air for lifetimes after this. I hated to shiver, as if that was what led me inside the townhouse. I start to walk back up the  street. The portal to the next life I am studying is ready.

Traffic n Poop

My family and I are back from another mini VayCay. This time around we went to Palm Springs, and stayed at the Embassy Suites. The drive down however was a piece of work in and of itself. We had 203 miles to travel to get to our destination. We figured with traffic maybe 5 hours. So we load the car and head for the freeway. Meanwhile in the middle of California there was a major mudslide that shut down I-5; the major travel artery into the Los Angeles basin. It had been shut down for a whole day at this point, and all of the truck (and car) traffic had been rerouted to 101 to get to L.A.
  So we cruise up the road heading to the on-ramp, impressed that the accident that was here 30 minutes ago has already been cleared! We fly down the on ramp only to see that traffic had already screeched to a halt. We creep through our little city for over an hour! It was seriously The. Longest. Hour. Ever. As we moved on outside the city limits it finally cleared a little bit. We moved along for the next 20 or 30 minutes tops until we came to a stop again. I checked my phone (since I wasn't moving) and saw that the 101 freeway was closed! I am pretty sure I was the ONLY person who knew this important morsel of info. And then the kids and the hubby woke up. They were shocked and dismayed that they had been asleep for almost 2 hours and we were barely 45 miles from our start point. My youngest son was the first one to start. Mom, I have to poop really bad! Really bad mom! I have to go sssoooooo bad. So off the freeway we went in hunt of a bathroom. 15 minutes later we are back on the freeway sitting in traffic. We finally got to the junction off the 101, and actually cruised along at 50 mph for awhile. As soon as we moved onto the 210 we came to a baby crawl speed again. And we crawled for a couple more hours. Again my littlest one: mom I have to poop so bad again! Please stop I have to go poop! So off the freeway we go again. Now everyone is hungry, grumpy and tired. The hubby grabs some snacks, which includes 2 chocolate shakes. Ugh. Purchased while I was with the pooper of course. Back in the car, back on the road. A few minutes of happy silence goes by, until I hear the little one: oh no! My shake!! The hubs turns around to see my little one with milkshake down his side and into his car seat. Now he is crying because he doesn't want to sit in shake. I honestly couldn't  blame him. He finally realizes he is gonna be sitting in it for awhile, and got over it. We finally resorted to bribery with our oldest because this was not our shining moment as parents. He would earn himself 20 bucks in exchange for silence. It worked for awhile, but apparently when your not talking your thinking. And he was thinking about how long we had been in the car, and how much pool time he was missing. This was devastating to him and he ended up bawling in the back seat, as I tried to convince him for the 80th time that "we are almost there". His little brother tried to comfort him for a minute, but even he was annoyed. He started with " its OK brother " to "why you still cry? Can you stop now?" As we reached the 8th hour of our 3.5 hour trip we were all glad to be distracted by the lightening show that was on display in the desert sky. The traffic had cleared up, and of course we missed our exit to last leg of our journey. So we took the next exit and followed our Google maps directions to take us the long way through the city to get back on the highway to take us to our destination. Of course is started downpouring, so we couldn't read the road signs, but we made it finally to our mini VayCay.

Gardening in Life

As I continue to sort through ideas and dreams of me, I have unearthed some interesting finds. My love of horses never ended. I feel the land we live in is corrupt, and deviating from the paved road could ultimately and quickly end in death or worse, suffering. Not just me but my kids. I want to promote a life of happiness, but I am finding the paved road doesn't always allow for this. Can I find a dirt road that runs along side the main road? I am not prepared, nor do I want to wander off into the jungle of life in the complete unknown, and drag my children with me; only to find more evil hiding in the depths of the trees and plants. I continue to stare at my phone as if Google will actually have an answer for me. Though Google has armed me with knowledge that I would not otherwise have. Is my life path about fighting? Or learning? Or educating? Or helping? Or changing? To take on all of them feels daunting. I want all of these to start with my children. I need to be with them not just around them. I need to teach them not just show them. I want to play with them not just watch them. I will plant this seed and cultivate it with time and energy. I need this for me too, and my inner me, too. This seed has been planted but not cultivated properly. I need to learn the art of cultivation. I feel like I'm back at the beginning. Frustrated because I don't have the time, too many bills to quit my job, not enough money to provide experiences for my kids, that I don't have the time to provide. There must be a gardening step in here somewhere that I am missing, either that or I'm trying to over water the violet and starve the rhododendron. I guess before I plant seeds and cultivate stuff, I need to figure out what seeds I'm planting and what they need to grow. And I can't plant desert seeds right next to rainforest seeds. I'm so lost in the gardening world right now; I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. This is #frinkenomics101

The Bridge

I went to visit my soul last night. I brought supplies with me this time. I am not sure yet what I am doing, but I decided to build a bridge to the other side of the water. I do not know how to build a bridge, nor do I know what supplies I need. I brought with me every type of building supply, and every tool I could find. I unloaded everything onto the shore of the water. I looked across the water searching for my soul on the other side. I stood still, my eyes searching the trees, the hills and the waters edge. She finally appeared at the edge of the trees. I realized then that I was holding my breath as I waited. My soul smiled and waved to me. My soul has not smiled for many moons. I held up all of my tools and supplies for her to see. I could see her gently laughing. I looked at the dirt at my feet. Then I looked at the pile of wood, nails, cement, rebar, pipes, and tools. I started to feel overwhelmed, and frustrated. I grabbed a shovel and started digging. It felt good to be doing something. Even if that was not what was needed. I continued to dig until I had a deep hole in front of me. I picked up a piece of wood and stuck it into the hole, and filled the hole back up with dirt around the wood. I looked across the water and saw my soul had been doing the same thing. She had dug a hole, but she had put a flowering tree in the hole. She was gathering water to give the tree. Its flowers  were were bright and vivid against the dark grey background. I looked down at my wooden stake, firmly planted in the ground and burst out laughing. My soul even without words,  across an entire body of water, was able to tell me so much. Planning is needed to build something useful. It is important to cultivate the beauty of things around me. Do not act so hastily. Love what I do, as well as the outcome. I stood staring for a long time at the beauty of the tree she had planted. I left my stake in the ground. I waved farewell to my soul. I will be back soon and try again to build the bridge to my soul.

This is not humor

I have to say this: This picture in one lone frame, has captured many of the issues we have as a society and the outcome as well. Who raised the child; who became the man; who calls himself SoFloAntonio? Did they raise him to believe this is humorous? Who raised the woman in the photo? Was she not taught to not lie, or cheat? Was she not raised to understand the consequences of her actions? Who raised the photographer/videographer that took this picture? What were they trying to convey in this photo? Here is what I see: a little boy waiting for his dad, and doesn't know his home is about to become broken. A young mother who will be raising her second child alone. A woman overwhelmed with emotion as she waits. A man saluting, as he waits and tries to keep his composure. I don't see anything funny at all in this photo.

The wind and the water

I went to the waters edge again. I could see my soul on the other side of the lake. She is my sister, whom I have not conversed with for many years. She is my mother who passed away when I was too young to understand. She sat at the waters edge, running her fingers through the water. I did not tell her I was here. It upsets her that I am so far away. I gather my thoughts and go back to reality. My heart is burdened by her sadness. I must go see her in the daylight. As I step back into reality, I am hit with a sharp wind. It marks a cold path in front of me. I am cold and aware of every goosebump. It feels good to know I am still here. The cold air can only be felt here. I look around me, and I see people walking with importance, talking with important people. They are dressed with confidence, and skill. I blink my eyes and look again. I no longer see people; now I see wounded souls. I look at my hands; I look down at my feet. I am still just me. It's time to go see my children. I can feel my soul smiling from across the lake. I think to myself, Cheers to a great day soul.

The dreams of me

As I continue to hunt for my hearts content aside from my sweet family of course; I have stumbled across a thought or two. If I want to act as a detective, or do crime scene tech stuff, why not just do it myself? The other thought I had was I will write all of my dreams as if they were reality.

What to Do part 2

I have been struggling with the notion that what I do for a living is not truly what I love doing. This has become more clear to me as I try to define for myself what "I would love to do". What do I love? Am I so far away from my dreams that I can't even name something I love? Let's be clear that when I say "something" I am simply referring to an interest/hobby/passion. I remember dreaming as a child that I wanted to be a horseback rider, as I got a little older I wanted to become a detective. At this point in my life those dreams are definitely furthest from becoming a reality. I've had a lot of dreams since then, and I have done well in pursuing them, but the excessive success did not become reality fast enough for my young self. As I sit here today, even those dreams are pretty far away. All of my previous pursuits would require a redo from the gate, because all licenses expire. I feel like I need to dream up a new dream, but the pressure is exorbitant!! I am stressing myself out trying to come up with a dream! That is how far away from my souls passion I am. I have asked for a little guidance in this area. DREAM BIG OPTION 1 If I had all the money world, what would I be doing tomorrow instead of getting up at 5:30am and going to work? I would be taking my kids on a learning adventure. Let's back up. First I would go outside breathe in some fresh air as I looked out over the expanse of my land. I would exercise in my own home, THEN I would take my kids on an adventure. Hmmm..OK so the next day. I ,................,......don't know. I can only see work. Except for my investing ideas. I imagine I have a variety of business investments, that all bring in money. I don't have to "work" at anything. I can do that. The "how" has always stopped me. You need money to make money, at least that's how it feels. That can't be true. I need to find a way to do that.

Crime Scene Teams

I'm writing this without having current statistics, just knowledge from previous information. When a crime is committed in a large city, there a resources in place to process the crime scene, pay for the evidence to be ran through a forensics lab, computer techs to take info out of electronics, etc. The cost of having these specialties available costs money. In large cities, there is more crime, and more opportunity to utilize these tools. Small towns, poor counties don't have these tools available to them. Every police officer is trained in crime scene/evidence collection, but if a town only sees a murder every 6 years that doesn't offer very much practice to the officers. The cost of sending evidence to an independent lab is high. There is a backlog of evidence waiting to be processed. At this time I'm not even sure how the independent labs decide which evidence is run first. It could be first come, first serve. Or there could be monetary based decisions, or they at the lab have a triage of sorts to separate cases into priority. The people in these independent labs are not the ones that collected it, and I do not know if they testify in court as expert witnesses or not. I do know there is no national database of unsolved crimes or murders. Some states have databases. What I would like to offer is teams of crime scene techs who would travel upon request of a department to the scene and process it. Taking all microscopic evidence with them back to the lab to process. The process would be free to the department or possibly a flat fee that is reasonable. The question is would police departments utilize this if they had it available to them?

Crazytown USA

In the wake of yet another shooting, I find myself filled with a wide variety of emotions, ranging from anger, sadness, embarrassment, fear, anxiety and frustration. The shooting, and all other deaths at the hands of evil bring up the argument of gun control. I believe that it is the mentality that our nation carries that gives people power to kill without thought or remorse. Take the guns away, and they will be replaced with a different means of killing people. To change the mentality of an entire nation is a steep challenge. There are so many factors that play into the current mindset of the average American, that it feels like a uphill battle. We need to realize it is not just the school shooting; its the police shootings, the bomb threats, the deaths of children at the hands of their parents, neighbors, strangers. The random acts of violence throughout the country is terrifying. I know that I for one, have done nothing to stop it. Nor have I done anything to perpetuate it. I stand idly by, praying that, I nor my family becomes a victim to the senseless violence. There are many people like me. I have much respect for the people who are rallying for gun Rights on both sides of the argument. But taking away the guns isn't going to heal the mind.

The scene

I can see a business, a lab, a database. Teams of people who go out to crime scenes and collect and process the information for the city, state, county across the country. The depts. Would pay a flat fee to have everything done. We would be on-call. Crime happens we can be there. We are not trying to solve the crime, just collect evidence. The results would have weight in court because its a non partial 3rd party team. The people would be paid through..... Nonprofit donations? The lab would be state of the art. The database would be all unsolved crimes. It will be the largest database available for cross referencing crimes. Depts pay a yearly access fee. There are levels of access. No crime scene photos available to the public. Active cases will have certain evidence withheld from everyone. We will advocate for non violent offenders to be freed from prison/jail. We will have advocates for people who suffer at the hands of police brutality. We will offer real time adrenaline training  for officers.

Crime and Money

I recently read that there are 3000 rape kits in Kentucky that have not been processed. Why? Because there is not enough money to run the tests. No labs do it for free. There are cases that sit for years before being processed because there is a backlog of cases and evidence to go through. Why? Because there is not enough money for more labs? People get wrongfully convicted of crimes, because evidence wasn't ran through testing. Why? Because the police department didn't have the money. Small towns have crimes committed, they don't have crime scene techs, criminalists, photographers to take process the crime. People go free, people live in fear. Crimes go unsolved. This is not OK.

Change in me, changes the world

As I sit and contemplate the meaning of life and why I am here; I can hear my soul calling to me in the distance. I can see my soul trying to communicate with me but the voices in my head are drowning her out. She is trying to tell me something important. My soul and I have always known each other, but we have never sat down, body to soul and talked. I'm sure she knows alot more than I do. I miss her and want her to be closer to me. What is she trying to tell me? Why can't the voices be quiet? I am trying to understand her hand motions, I'm trying to read her lips. She is shouting. At times I think I can hear what she said. I go back to life and attempt to live it. But it doesn't seem quite right. As I sit here and contemplate the meaning of life. I feel more urgency to communicate with her. She is getting frustrated with me for not hearing her. As I stand here at the waters edge of my mind, she stands on the other side of the pond. The wind is blowing, and the sun is starting to set. Can you tell what she is trying to say?

My list continued

I want to write and captivate peoples attention. I want to own businesses. I want to own rental property and provide gardens for all the tenants.

What to do

There are so many interests and paths that I want to pursue. I know I want to give more. I want to have an impact on people's lives ( in a good way of course). I want to feel passionate about what I'm doing. I want to be physically present in the work. I want something that gives me freedom, and flexibility. Not just time freedom, but financial freedom too. I need to have purpose in what I'm doing. There are many pursuits that interest me. I would love to go back to school and become a criminalist. I would love to run a day care or overnight care. I would love to chronicle unsolved crimes into a cohesive database. I would love to have an acting role in a TV show. I would love to help people change their lives by guiding them in healthier living (after I concur this myself). I want to be a ER nurse. I want to be a stay at home mom. I want to make a difference. I want to travel and see the beauty of the world.

The lonely day at work

I recently changed departments at my job. The new position is at a desk, with a window. When I started in the new position, there was another person there. Now she is gone, and there is only me. I am not used to this lack of human contact and interaction.

The mom in me

I am always intrigued by the idea and reality of perception. I know that when we (people in general) see a tree, we all see a tree. But was is amazing is how everybody's past experiences, knowledge, judgements and thought paths all make a difference when you sit down with each person and get a different description, or feeling about the tree. Any way...I want to be a home with my kids, and I know that people looking a me from the outside feel that I should be more accepting and OK, happy, pleased appreciative, and thankful for where I am at. Full time job, no weekends or nights, benefits, happy kids, a car. How do I explain to someone that it was me who created all of my success and of course I am happy about it....but the person down the street, who gets to stay at home with her kids, doesn't have a job, lives in a bigger place than me, gets to buy better higher quality food than me... And here I am paying someone else to raise my kids. Is OK to stomp my foot and say "not fair!" In my most whiny voice ever. How do I get to have what the person down the street has? I want to be home with my babies... And they are almost too big to call babies. Why do I have to work so hard and have a less fulfilling life than the person down the street without the job? At home with the kiddos, teaching, and raising them how they want not how the babysitter wants. When I say I want more, what I really mean is I want more fulfillment. #frinkenomics101

Heartache for others

Over the last few weeks the stories on the new have increased about refugees trying to leave Syria. The photos and stories that accompany these news broadcasts are heartbreaking. These are people just like us; with homes and jobs and families. If this was us we would be fleeing to Canada, or further...the Russian tundra, Mexico, or the Caribbean islands. I can't help but cry when I think about how these refugees are feeling and what they are being forced to experience. The death of the boy washed onto shore; his parents crying in the photos, the family that dove in front of the train to avoid the refugee camp. This is so heartbreaking. What can I do to help these people who have nothing, because they had to run from their or die.

The What of Me

I have finally decided to do/write my thoughts and ideas down. I tend to be the one that smiles and gives a nod and a chuckle when people are voicing their opinions, judgements or thoughts. My reaction is always the same. A wry chuckle a slight acknowledgement nod and thats it. I am not the one to say my side or differing opinion. Mainly because I truly feel that people have a right to their own thoughts. I do not try to argue my judgement or opinion because I know we both have our own perspective. Our lives are filtered through different lens. But as I go through life feeling somewhat alone in my thoughts, I feel like this will be a good platform for me to share my thoughts. I could have written in a journal, but that really is writing to yourself. At least this way I know there is a slight possibility someone might stumble across this in the maze of the internet..... But probably not.